New, Not Handling My Loss Well, Need Encouragement

[Laney]

I lost my sons father, my first true love and husband, 6 weeks ago. I am so full of sorrow and my heart is shattered. Our son is devastated, absolutely destroyed. His Dad was his soul mate, his best friend, his world. I am only going on for my son. This is so tragic. He was only 41 and so healthy, so physically fit, he exercised daily. He was adopted so we had no idea that heart disease ran in his family. I am taking it 5 minutes at a time. Im so worried about my son, he is so so sad. Im so angry, I don't know if I can do this

[mfh]

Dear Laney

I am so sorry for the loss you and your son are dealing with. A sudden loss is so shocking. You said you were full of sorrow and that your heart is shattered....we here ALL understand that. We have all lost someone really close to us. I lost my husband (my soul mate) last year and the grief is overwhelming. You said you did not know if you could do this. We have all said that and felt that way. I truly did not know how I would survive Bill's death. But here I am 23 months later...still here....still grieving each and every single day....We somehow make it through these dark and painful chapters. You will too. And so will your son.

You did not mention how old your son is but that he is extremely close to his dad. I understand how concerned you are on his behalf and on your own also. I do hope your son is able to talk to you about his dad and his pain and loss. It is so important that he feel free to do that with you and with whoever else is available to him. Again, I do not know how old he is but I suspect he is pretty young given his father's young age.

Do share more information and do come here often (if you wish) as people will reach out to you, for sure and I KNOW Marty (our moderator) will have great information for you on how to deal with your son and his loss.

Whoops...I just noticed on your title that your son is 16 years old...and therefore old enough to be able to share his pain and talk about it. There may even be some grief groups for teens in your area that could help him further.

I wish you peace,

Mary

[Anne E]

Laney,

I am so very sorry for your devastating loss. If course your grief is overwhelming and your heart is shattered. There is nothing I can say to make it better, except to tell you that I care and to the extent that I can, I understand.

My husband of 39 years died 4 years ago from complications from double lung transplants. He spent 8 1/2 months in the hospital counting the time before and after transplants. I was finally able to take him to the apartment I rented in St. Louis, and was able to have him "home" for about 2 weeks. He finally seemed to be making some positive progress and we were actually thinking we might make it back to Central Kansas and home. I woke up on a Monday morning and he had died in the night.

I can understand a bit of your shock, but my husband was 64 years old, we had been married 39 years, enjoyed a bit of the "empty nest" experience, and knew that the probability of him not surviving was pretty high. I have no understand of your terrific shock. Of course you and your son are angry and bewildered.

This site has been a true healing place for me. These people understand my grief and know how difficult is has been for me to "move on" and accept my "new normal" life, they have all been there. Their support has in some ways saved my life. I applaud you for seeking some help and encouragement. I struggled with my grief alone for the first two years after Dick's death, which was not healthy in any way.

Talk to us. Vent to us. We do care and will do what we can to support you.

Peace,

Anne

[melina]

Dear Laney,

I'm so sorry for the reason you had to join this site. But everyone here can empathize with your loss.

I lost my husband a year and a half ago to cancer. He was also very fit, exercised every day, had a healthy diet and had never smoked in his life. Yet still he got lung cancer and died. We have four sons - all four were devastated by the loss of their father. I also worried about my sons, but they came through it. Young people are resilient and can deal with grief, loss and trauma unexpectedly well.

You don't mention how old your son is, but there are grief support groups for children and teenagers. My sons refused to join any such groups - but managed all the same. I tried a support group as well, but quit early. I think some people benefit from these groups - others don't. It depends on the person and the group.

I didn't think I would be able to handle my loss - and the pain of seeing my children grieving was almost too much to bear. But I'm still here, my kids are thriving and I think we'll make it. You and your son will be okay too. Just hang in there and use this group as often as you need to.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Dear Laney, I am so terribly sorry for the loss you and your son are experiencing. You are overwhelmed and angry, and, I am sure, struggling to keep things together for your son. I am so sorry for you both.

We here all understand, and while every situation is different, they all have the same thing in them, devasting loss. This group has helped me a lot. My husband died suddenly of a massive coronary just over two years ago at age 62. No previous heart problems that we knew about. I have been coming here for support and encouragement, and for a place to vent and rage against this journey we are all making, since April, 2010. Not sure I would have made it without Marty and some of these wise people on this forum.

Please take care of yourself, eat well, and try to sleep. You not only have to do it for yourself, but you have a young son that you have to be there for. I know that is so hard right now, AND Laney, you can do it....you won't like it, and it will be very hard, but you can do it.

You do not mention if you have family or close friends for support, I hope that you do.

Thinking of you

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Laney,

I am sorry you are going through what we have been through...my husband was barely 51 and also looked very fit, not overweight, worked hard, had no idea he had heart problems, it takes your breath away to have a shock like this. I'm glad you and your son have each other, at 16 he will be home for at least a couple more years, that's good. My son was in the Air Force when my husband died, and it was hard on him being away from home and grieving. Even though George was his step-dad, they were very close and it was hard.

I hope you will continue to come back here, it helps to post and read what others write, helps you not feel quite so alone and to have a place to vent.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Laney]

THANK YOU all for your kind words. I am trying to see a light at the end of this tunnel. Seeing my son so sad is so painful. We also just found out that his dog, his best buddy that has been sleeping with him and comforting him, has cancer. They are giving him (detroit) 2 to 3 months, I can't bring myself to tell christopher. I just can't. I am trying to pray and keep faith but it is so difficult right now. I have never felt this alone and scared. I have to put on a brave face for my son, but some days I just can't. Thank you for thinking of us and keeping us in your prayers.

[mfh]

I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I know watching your son be in pain is harder than you being in pain yourself. We are here surrounding you and holding you in the light...there is one at the end of that tunnel....Mary

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Laney, I am so sorry to learn of this latest blow ~ I simply cannot imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. At the same time, I'm grateful that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. As I hope you've discovered by now, you are surrounded by some of the most compassionate folks you'll find anywhere. And most of us are animal lovers, too, so we certainly can relate to the pain you're feeling upon learning of your dog's serious illness.

I know it will be extremely difficult to share this awful news with your son, but I hope that you will reconsider doing so, and soon. The time you both have left with your dog is priceless, and now is the time to make the most of it ~ to plan and prepare for his passing, to take tons of photographs, to spend quality time with him, and to make the cherished memories that will comfort and sustain you both when the time comes that he is no longer with you.

I want to point you to a couple of resources that I hope you will find helpful. The first is Kerry Malak's website, Georgia's Legacy, a Canine Cancer Resource, which is packed with important information. Next, please read my article, Anticipatory Grief. Then, please read this beautiful piece by my friend and colleague Rita Reynolds: Excerpt from Blessing the Bridge

Finally, I invite you to read my article, How Do We Tell Our Son His Dog Has Died? Fortunately, you are in a better position than this couple was, as it is not too late for you and your son . . .

[kayc]

I too am very sorry you are facing another battle. I hope that you will break it to your son, perhaps in stages, start by sharing with him that his dog is very sick and it's a good time for both of you to shower the dog with extra care and attention. Explain that the dog may not feel up to things he used to do like walks and playing, but he may enjoy being sat with and his ears stroked. Death is as much a part of the cycle of life as birth, it's just we don't like this part of it. It can be a learning time for your son, I'd explain that there comes a time when we get to reunite and parting is not forever. You'll know how much to share the first time and how much the next time by your feel for your son and his responses.