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Miscarriage And Anger

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I am new here, so Im a little shy.

I am 33 years old, and two days before my 33rd Birthday I found out that my pregnancy failed. My baby had no heartbeat at 9 weeks and 5 days. I have been completely devastated ever since. Ontop of this, there were complications from the D&C, and I live with my sister who is currently 6 months pregnant.

I am so angry I could punch a brick wall without batting an eye. I targeted my sister, and took out a ton of anger on her. My husband wants me to find some reason to be happy. Our relationship has been severely strained since the miscarriage. I can't stop myself from being absolutely 100% negative ALL THE TIME! and on top of that I don't really have an outlet for this anger.

Is this normal?

I know that anger is part of the grieving process, and that it is healthy. But I'm having a hard time managing it. And talking about it.....starts fights in the house because I can't see anything positive.

I'm starting to get the feeling that I shouldnt be talking at all at this point!

Any advice?

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Dear one, I'm so sorry to learn about your miscarriage, and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to be living with your sister who is six months into her pregnancy ~ which serves as a constant reminder of all you have lost.

I hope you've taken the time to read through some of the other topic threads in this forum, as they contain valuable information that I think will be helpful to you as well. See especially the posts in My Premature Daughter.

You're wondering if your anger is normal, and I can assure you that it is completely normal and understandable under the circumstances. (See my blog post, Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?) As you say, the challenge is in finding healthy ways to manage it. Since you're finding that talking about it "starts fights in the house," I encourage you to find someone else you can talk to, other than your spouse and members of your immediate family. Is there a close friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, clergy person or someone else in your circle you can trust to listen to you without judgment? If not, please consider contacting your local hospice, mortuary or even your obstetrician to see what grief support resources are available in your community.

Go to my website's Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page and explore some of the links listed there. Today there are dozens of websites and support groups devoted to women whose pregnancies ended unsuccessfully ~ many of them were started by bereaved mothers just like you.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Often times, people don't understand why a mother can't get over the loss of a miscarriage because the child wasn't ever born. They don't understand that it truly is a loss just the same as any other loss. The child had a heartbeat, a soul, and the mother loved that being inside of her. The mother feels that loss deeply. The mother had plans for that child and now the child is gone. I went thru this with my daughter. She lost two infants and had two miscarriages. We had many different feelings as we went thru our grief stages. I truly do feel for you because I can feel your pain pulsating thru your words on your page. I do hope you can find someone who is close to you who will listen to you and give you an outlet for your feelings. Only by the grace of God did we get thru our trials but we did get thru them. Again, I am sorry.

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  • 1 month later...

I agree with you.

It's one thing to go through a miscarriage (I have had 5 and a stillborn birth) but it's another to see someone you are close to continue with all the things you were looking forward to. The plans. The way that we all make room for a new one. Someone else is still doing that, where-as you are still dealing with the shock and changes of going back to being yourself before you were pregnant. Everything, (no matter how small) reminds you that you are no longer pregnant. If you have a headache and you look into the medicine cupboard, you automatically reach for the tylenol instead of the ibuprofen. Or when the waitress comes to ask if you would like something to drink and you hesitate, realizing that you are not longer restricted from alcohol. Every pregnant woman you see grates on the nerves. Their happiness is like a direct hit to a tender area deep inside.

I hate to say that I understand. How inadequate. No one honestly does. No one.

Husbands really can't comprehend it on the same level we do when we are carrying a child. They may be thinking of it as a change. But it's a "In 8 more months..." Or "We will have to look for a car with a back seat." It's not in the same intimate way a woman does. They aren't altering the most personal space (your body) with the anticipation of new life. They are altering their bedroom or house. As involved as a husband can try to get, they are still an extra on the set until the moment that new life is placed into their arms. That's when it really hits them. That's when they are able to participate. When they loose sleep. When it begins to take on a new meaning. Before that. Even with the kicking and throwing up and every other physical symptom that is associated with pregnancy. They still can't participate in it.

They feel the loss too. It's just not the same. They see their spouse struggling and can't fix it. They alter their plans too, but with a going forward mentality. More of a "What's done is done" outlook. Unfortunately it feels extremely callus and distant. That is also how they deal with it. My husband has been very careful not to talk about our losses. He skirts the subject in public and won't participate in private. Sometimes I think this is how he deals with it. How he comes to terms with it. A lost possibility that he shouldn't dwell on. It feels very different to me.

Anger is such an intense emotion. Hurt seems so passive. With anger I have always felt more in control. That somehow I was able to harness my feelings and direct them. Intense exercise or exertion seems to be the only way to completely drain it though. Running flat out, punching bags, screaming into a pillow. All seem pointless, but they let off steam on the pressure cooker.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to live with someone who was pregnant at this time. It's almost been a year since my daughter died (from stillbirth) and I still can't look a pregnant woman in the eye at the supermarket.

Luckily my sister has no children, although she can't relate to my situation with the pregnancy, miscarriages and stillbirth she has always been open and honest about not knowing what to say to me about it. There is something reassuring in that honesty. That she will listen when I call at 2:00 am crying or vent my frustrations in an angry email. That she loves me anyway, but that she can't fix it. That she will hurt because she sees me hurting.

Although it feels like something stitched on a pillow. There is every possibility of you having a normal birth in the future. Sometimes that seems so far away. So inanimate, intangible.

I hope everything works out for you and your husband. It can be very difficult when you don't feel like they are with you in grief.


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  • 8 months later...

I'm sorry for your loss.I'm sure your sister regrets what has happened as well.

My mother always told me how each of my two siblings had a twin who didn't make it and then she lost a child and then I popped into the world-no twin,just me.

We send our best that when the time is right that you will have a healthy child

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I lost three before having my two, but my heart has never forgotten what it's like to go through infertility or to lose a baby, it's tough. Peace to you with your life and your loss.

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