This Is Always Harder At Night....

[Lina]

I am used to Arthur being gone during the day...5 out of 7 days he went off to work at the VA Hospital, but at night he should be home and that is when I struggle with loneliness and grief. It is at night when he should be here...when he should be watching TV for a titch to unwind, then getting ready for bed and finally snuggling down in our comfy cozy bed...that is when it feels so horribly wrong.

I have such a hard time going to bed knowing he is not there. I am used to going to sleep to the sound of him breathing at night...I am used to knowing I can just reach out and touch him if I want to...knowing that if I have a bad dream (which I am prone to) he will be there to wake me up. I have tried surrounding myself with pillows and I sleep with his shirt so that the bed does not feel so big and empty without him. He was a bed hog and would take up 2/3's...I feel like I am sleeping in the grand canyon...my bed is so huge, empty and lonely without him.

I have cats who sleep with me at night and that helps a tiny bit...but a cat does not replace a 6'4" beloved husband who seemed to big and healthy and real to be gone. Everyone sees me and talks to me during the day and they say I am doing so well and being so strong...but they don't see me at night when I can not stop crying and I can not go to bed. I stay up horribly late because I can not face that dang bed without him.

During the day I am numb...going about on autopilot...doing what needs to be done as best I can...but at night I feel gut shot...I feel like I am bleeding out and there is nothing I can do about it.

[Anne E]

Oh golly, I can so relate. Dick has been gone over three years and I still HATE night time. I have accepted the fact that the other side of the bed will be empty. HRH Miss Sophie, Queen of the Universe, (our Jack Russell Terrier) sleeps with me and insists on always being in contact with me. That is a bit helpful, but as you know, does not replace the 6'3" beloved husband. Plus the fact that she growls as me when I toss and turn. Dick NEVER did that!

I long to be able to sleep through the night, get a good nights rest and wake up in the morning feeling rested. That has not happened in years! Dick was ill for 5 years prior to the lung transplants and resulting mess. My sleep cycle is toast!

Waking up at 4:30, after finally getting to sleep after 2:00 is no fun! I understand how you feel numb during the day. I am a firm believer that a few nights of 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would really be helpful. Obviously, I have no answers, other than to tell you I think I understand a bit how you feel.

My acceptance of the situation has come over time. The worst of the pain has lessened, now it's more like a dull ache. I am learning to live with the fatigue, but would really like it to go away.

I would give anything to be able to discuss this problem with Dick, but he doesn't answer when I talk to him.

Wish I had some wonderful, easy, quick solutions, but of course I don't. Just wanted you to know that I think I understand a bit and you are not alone.

Hang in there, Lina.

[kayc]

George died in 2005 and I STILL sleep in my recliner instead of the bed. My son asked me why once, I told him something about breathing better, which is true, but the truth is, I don't like facing that empty bed. Some face it head on and get used to it, guess I'm a wimp.

[Lina]

I am almost looking forward to the moment when I achieve acceptance...I still feel so angry and cheated...I have moments of wanting to scream at the universe. I want to stomp my foot and yell that it is not fair. There are other moments when I want to go to sleep and never wake up...I want to hide from everything and everyone. I truly did not know anything could hurt so much.

Kay you are not a wimp...this is a monster bigger and more fierce then I ever imagined. We all have to deal with it and fight it in our own way. If you can sleep in that recliner then that is far better then laying in a bed unable to sleep. *hugs*

Anne I agree...I want to be able to talk to Arthur about this so bad...our beloveds are the one person who is never supposed to leave. Arthur was my best friend...the person who could always make everything better. He helped the world make sense for me.

[Anne E]

Lina, isn't that so true? Dick was the only person I ever knew who "got me". He understood. I know it's because he loved me and took the time to listen. I feel so luck, that I was able to have he for 40 years, we grew up together.

Yesterday, I went to my knit group and listened to three of the ladies sit and complain about their husbands. They were so happy that they took separate vacations and "did their own thing" most of the time and did not have to "put up" with their husbands. I wanted so badly to scream at them, you don't know how lucky you are to have your spouse. You have no idea how lonely and lost you are going to be if he dies before you.

They asked me if Dick and I vacationed and spent lots of time together? I said, yes we did and I would give anything I owned to be able to spend time with him again. Being a widow is so final and so very lonely. There are always things left unsaid and time you would love to spend together. Life is so darn short and often seems so unfair.

[kayc]

It is hard for me to listen to people complaining about their spouse. Some of them, I know, have legitimate concerns, but rather than backbite their partner, it'd be better if they'd spend that time working on their differences. George and I never complained about each other, we adored each other, and like you, I'd give everything I own if I could have him back.

[Lina]

I told my mom today that I would happily trade in every possession I owned to have Arthur with me...I would rather be homeless with him, then in a house without him. I hate hearing people bitch about their spouse. It makes me mad...why couldn't they have lost their husband rather then me. (Does that make me a bad person?) I cherished every second I got with my husband and he died way too early...it is just so unfair...we had such a beautiful relationship, we were deeply committed to communication and were very supportive of each other and truly loved and liked each other so much...we did not even make it to our first wedding anniversary. He died April 8th...our first anniversary is June 5th...I would give anything and everything to have him there with me for our anniversary.

[widower]

Well said by all of you and I can so relate. Bed time and first thing in the morning are hardest for me by far. Wishing you all the peace you can muster.

[Anne E]

I hate hearing people bitch about their spouse. It makes me mad...why couldn't they have lost their husband rather then me. (Does that make me a bad person?)

NO! That does not make you a bad person, It makes you a person who knew how to love someone! I am so very sorry for your loss. Dick and I would have been married 44 year, June 8th of this year. We had been married 39 years when he died. Bless your heart. I can't even begin to imagine your loss. While it is so painful, I love to hear your thoughts on your relationship. I know that really doesn't help you, but it does warm my heart to know that devotion in relationships does still exist. Sometimes, I wonder when I hear and see how other couple take each other so for granted.

Blessing,

Anne

[kayc]

Last night was the first time I cried in I don't know how long. I was talking to George's picture on the wall and telling him/remembering how special he was, how he is the only one I have ever felt this way about, the way he made me feel when he held me, I melted. I miss him so much.

[widower]

I'm so sorry kay. I can imagine. But hopefully some good came out of that ie that release-?

Today i was feeling pretty good then just had one as well. I was going around the kitchen, LR etc looking at the various knick-knacks around the house and not just remembering the details of each one (I bought her this for Christmas, someone gave her that when she was in the hospital, etc etc) but for some reason saying them out loud, as if someone was there and I was explaining it to them. Nutty or what? I admit sometimes I do talk out loud like that, as if someone was there, I guess it helps me feel less alone somehow. Anyway, I thought now this is all I have left are some odds and ends - just things - along with my memories. And I just lost it. I went out back today - a beautiful warm day - and looked up at the clouds as I often do and also as I often do wondered if she was "up there" somehow. Not in a cliched angel in the clouds kind of way exactly - just out among the heavens, wondering that if when you pass you're allowed to flit among the clouds or some such. I don't know. Just wondering what happens and wishing - more than any wish I have other than her still being here - that I could just KNOW already.

[amw]

Lina,

I so relate to all the things you are saying! I think you lost Arthur just a week before I lost Jim. I still have a hard time going into the bedroom, can't sleep in the bed yet, maybe never. I sleep in the recliner or on the couch, when I can sleep. I am even having a hard time making a cup of tea, can't even cook a meal yet, as Jim and I use to cook together and he loved to eat my cooking. I wonder around lost and frustrated too that others complain about their spouses, when I would take on all the pain and suffering he went through and give anything to have him back with me. I have family who tell me "well you knew it was coming, so just get on with your life" and to put all pictures and things from him away and move on. I don't know how they cann be so cold and unfeeling. Just know I get what your saying and feeling, even though you lost your spouse quickly and mine was terminal the loss is just as deep and painful.

amw

[Lina]

Honestly some people are just better off keeping their mouths shut...seriously the nerve telling you to put his pictures away...that is just WRONG! I have not put away any picture...in fact I have put up MORE pictures. They comfort me. *hugs* I am so sorry.

The last two days have been hard...I was cleaning the bedroom....Arthur had more clothes than any one person needed. He kept anything that might eventually have some vague use. I put some of the excess into bags to donate to ARC. I did not pack up all his clothes and still have a pile of his shirts I refuse to wash (they still smell like him and there is no way I am going to wash that away.) I realized yesterday that eventually I will need to throw out his toothbrush and realized that there is no way I can do that just yet.

It is odd how such seemingly little things just tear at you. His green tea in the cabinet that he drank every morning...his toothbrush...changing the sheet (which I know I need to wash, but they were the ones he slept on last)....one of these days I am going to have to deal with these things.

[kayc]

I remember changing the sheets a month after he died, and I cried. It's stuff like that that is hard, yet I couldn't go any longer. Oddly enough, at first I tried to sleep in the bed but now I don't. It's just too big a reminder that he's not in it. In fact, my son and his fiance just suggested I turn my bedroom into a craft room, I'm going to put the bed into a back bedroom, we'll work on it this summer, that way they'll have a place to stay when they come.

[amw]

Honestly some people are just better off keeping their mouths shut...seriously the nerve telling you to put his pictures away...that is just WRONG! I have not put away any picture...in fact I have put up MORE pictures. They comfort me. *hugs* I am so sorry.

The last two days have been hard...I was cleaning the bedroom....Arthur had more clothes than any one person needed. He kept anything that might eventually have some vague use. I put some of the excess into bags to donate to ARC. I did not pack up all his clothes and still have a pile of his shirts I refuse to wash (they still smell like him and there is no way I am going to wash that away.) I realized yesterday that eventually I will need to throw out his toothbrush and realized that there is no way I can do that just yet.

It is odd how such seemingly little things just tear at you. His green tea in the cabinet that he drank every morning...his toothbrush...changing the sheet (which I know I need to wash, but they were the ones he slept on last)....one of these days I am going to have to deal with these things.

Lina,

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to wash away his smell! I have one of the last shirts he wore and haven't washed it for that reason. And I too have put out more pictures! I guess until you go through what we have (talking about the one's who haven't, but want to tell us how to feel) you can say put stuff away, get rid of things and so on, but I am not getting rid of Jim's clothes, there are some I want to keep as they are ( like shirts from our vacations, or his favorite and my favorite one's) and the every day stuff I plan to have made into quilts, that way he will keep me warm in a sense, and part of him will be with me. So many have told me to give it time and don't get rid of anything until you have had time to grieve and think it through, once the stuff is gone you may regret it I was told, so give it time and do what feels right to and for you, not for anyone else. Some great advice I thought I would share.

I still can't sleep in our bed, when I sleep at all. I have a hard time even going into our bedroom. So, I could imagine how hard it is for you to think of washing the sheets he slept on last.

You are in my thoughts, as today was three weeks since I lost Jim, and I know you lost Arthur just about a week before that. I'm here for you!

amw

[missing him]

I can soooo relate. I hate night time (not that any part of the day is better). My baby was always next to me at night. It's like I can't sleep because he is not there next to my and I get scared. I always knew he would be there to protect me... Who will now? I still wear his shirts and spray his cologne on it and his pillows - He cracked me up - always needed a pillow under each arm or couldn't fall asleep. So dang cute.

[Lina]

It is funny how much we miss their quirks...those little things that was just them. I even find I miss his gross quirks...the ones I got on his case about.

I miss how he would claim I was hogging the bed when really I was right at the edge almost hanging off the bed and he had his pillow right in the center of the bed. I miss how he would snuggle with me, but when it was time to actually sleep he couldn't be touched. A week and a half before he died I woke him up in my sleep by petting him. He reported I did that three times in one night...all while sleeping. I told him that it was proof that even in my sleep I loved him.

I feel less safe also without him. He was very protective and always made me feel like he would keep me safe. I still have the dogs and Arthur's home security system...but it is not the same as having him here.

I don't wear Arthur's shirts anymore, but I sleep with one of his tshirts against my cheek. I like to stroke the fabric between my fingers while falling asleep...there is something about that old soft cotton that is so comforting...maybe it is because I used to press my face up against it a lot while hugging him.

[missing him]

That is funy that you Arthur always claimed you were hogging the bed. My baby did too! I was like honey, i'm on the edge about to fall off... I miss watching him brush his teeth. He was so cute how he did that. Every day I look in the mirror when I'm brusing my teeth where he stood picturing him there brushing his teeth the way he did and when he was all done with his teeth, he would stick his tounge out, close his eyes and brush his tounge while placing one hand on the mirror for support because he was always so sick

I too would give anything to have him back in my life but we know that will never happen. Grief is absolutely the most painful thing anyone will have to go through and it sucks!!

Missing him

[Lina]

Arthur always brushed his teeth in the living room while watching TV or outside while checking his plants. He would wander around the yard with a cup of water in hand and his toothbrush in the other...when he brushed his teeth in the living room he would have a cup that he called his 'spittoon'...lol.

I miss how Arthur always nagged me to drink enough water and take my vitamins. It made me feel so loved when he nagged me to take care of myself.

[Cosel]

I find the nights are very hard but waking up in the morning and realizing today is going to be like yesterday the day before and the day before that, I am still alone to start another day. Reality sets in and I realize my husband is not here and never will be again. That is a hard way to start the day.

Cosel

[Lina]

*hugs* I understand. Truly it is all hard. It is a constant ache that does not go away. Some moments are piercing and some are more of a throbbing pain...but it hurts either way.

[missing him]

Too cute. Such a wonderful man who loves you so much.

Arthur always brushed his teeth in the living room while watching TV or outside while checking his plants. He would wander around the yard with a cup of water in hand and his toothbrush in the other...when he brushed his teeth in the living room he would have a cup that he called his 'spittoon'...lol.

I miss how Arthur always nagged me to drink enough water and take my vitamins. It made me feel so loved when he nagged me to take care of myself.

[ANC1117]

After Celene passed, I too spent the nights falling asleep in the recliner to the sound of the TV. Around the forth week I went out and bought a TV for the bedroom. I remember hoe Celene took the TV out of our bedroom after she watch Oprah and heard that a TV in the bedroom draws couples apart. In a way I guess that hold true; falling asleep to the TV helps me keep from lying awake all night missing Celene.

It has been 8 months and everything of Celene's is still sitting where she had left it (I did however do laundry). I see reminders of her when I wake up, go in the closet to get dressed, take a shower... I even took her toothbrush with me on a recent getaway. Today I sprayed some of her perfume on my pillow so I might feel closer to her. I too miss her being a bed hog and her accusing me of it, as I laid sideways on the edge of the bed; coverless...

Friday, Ciara and I will be going to a friends Dude Ranch for the weekend. Celene loved going their to give the horses kisses. It was where Celene and I spent our honeymoon along with several family getaways. There will be several memories their and I know I will find myself some quite time to grief (I may not sleep very well considering there are no TVs in the rooms). The owner offered, when the time was right, a memorial for her in a place I chose. There is a bench that overlooks the corral where we would sit and Celene would give the horses treats and kisses. I think that would be a lovely site.

In addition I want to thank you all for sharing you memories about your loved ones sleeping. It brought some joy to my heart. Prayers and hugs - Anthony

[kayc]

Anthony,

In the absence of a t.v., have you tried music to fall asleep by? Maybe something soothing...

[Lina]

I have taken to reading a bit of a book or playing stupid mindless games on my phone when I first go to bed....this all is brainless enough that I don't focus on the fact that Arthur is not there. I agree though...music might be a good substitute for when you can't have a tv.