missing him Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 It has been awhile since I posted/replied on here. I'm not doing well. It doesn't feel like anything will make me feel better. I cry every day and the tears come without warning. I have no energy to want to do anything. I know I should be walking, exercising, doing something for me. I just can't bring myself to doing so. I still can't believe that my husband is dead. August 4th will be 3 months. I can't believe he left me all alone. I don't know how to live life without him. I don't know who I am anymore. (Tears are coming down my face as I write this). Dave - I'm so sorry to hear about your home being broke in to and losing your memories - that is awful. Mary - great topic - "Significant Quotes". I like what I read from others too. Thank you. I'm always thinking of you all... Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more inspirational or helpful. But I can very much relate and wish I could wave a wand and take it all away from you, from all of us. I wish I could snap my fingers and all of our loved ones were back. Frankly more than once I'd wished it had been me instead of her. She was a far better person and had a much fuller life without "us." But that isn't how it worked so I can only plod ahead, one clumsy step at a time and ask you to try and do the same. I've been at this a good bit longer than you (almost a year) and am still struggling, so pls keep in mind you must give yourself a lot of time. And if anyone says "aren't you over it yet," you have my permission to whack them in the head with a baseball bat. Perhaps that will encourage their brain cells to function again. (speaking of clumsy, there's a clumsy attempt at humour, which we need more than ever even though we feel like it less than ever - and to tell the truth there's that piece of me steeped in anger about such things saying "Joking my ass, whack em") Take care and I hope this site helps you in some way or other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 i feel the same way. i don't have the energy to do much and i don't want to. i just emptied one of john's drawers and the tears are flowing again. it's been 7 weeks today since he passed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted July 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 So sorry. I still can't bring myself to go through his things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Take your time, there's no hurry. And if it doesn't get done, so what? There's no rule that says we have to have their things cleaned out by such and such day. I cleaned out his car to sell and his trailer to give away and it liked to have killed me! Stuff like that, see if you can get someone else to do it or at least be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 still haven't picked up his clothes and jewelry at assisted living. i know everything is safe there. it's going to be emotional when i do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 It's been awhile since I posted, too.... my husband's been gone since the end of April, which I guess is not that long ago (time is s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out in a very grotesque way), but a whole day can come and go and I have got nothing done at all. Yeah, going through the motions is exactly it. Drink the water, eat the food, take the shower, brush the teeth, do whatever, go to bed.... blah. Luckily I have a few pets that demand some attention, and my friends won't let me sit around too much... but right now, just the thought of arranging all the stuff I need to do in the near future (going back to school to start a different career, thanks to a little insurance money) exhausts me to the bone, when I should be all happy and excited about it. My heart goes out to everybody here; we're all hurting so much, yet there IS comfort to be had. I would like to share a groovy little piece of advice I received recently: let's all eliminate the word "should" from our vocabularies (and take out woulda and coulda while we're at it) because as bereaved people we are under no obligation to do ANYTHING except care for ourselves. I have also been told repeatedly to be kind to myself. What a concept--it's greek to me! I have a lot of issues, but sometimes I do listen and learn, so yes, there are miracles in this mean ol' world. Hope this was of help to anybody else walking around in these crummy shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Dear Lizardo, Yes, this is very early into your journey. Grief is exhausting. I have never been so tired in my life after a day of doing nothing but grieving. It does get easier but these days are important for you to just allow yourself to feel your pain and do what is good for you. I agree...the word "should" just does not fit. I have learned over these almost 28 months that grief is my teacher and it won't destroy me. It will change me and has...forever. I wish you some peace filled moments today...memories of happy times which I found difficult to think about early on but which do help a bit. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Everything is hard for me right now but I am finding two things the worst. The first is doing something (anything) for the first time without Pete. It can be going somewhere, looking at something, meeting someone - really anything. And the pain I feel is so deep it feels physical. I wonder, will doing these things the second time be less painful? The other thing is when I get engrossed in something - say a book, or doing something on the computer or whatever, and then stop and realise that just for a while I had forgotten that Pete has gone. And it's such a shock all over again! And yet I know I am still in denial that he has died. Because really I think what I am suffering is a temporary situation and soon things will get back to normal, in other words he will come back. How unrealistic am I? And when I see all the photos I have everywhere I feel worse and wonder if I ought not to have them on display. And I can't imagine he was ever here some times, even though we have been together for 50 years! And I can't hear his voice in my head though I long to. How can we ever manage to live when we have lost what seems to be everything that matters? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Jan, I have felt all of these feelings...every single one of them. Yes, it feels physical. I call it gut wrenching. And yes, I still think for a moment here and there that Bill is just gone somewhere and will be coming home soon. It does clear up as time goes on but I wonder if it ever goes away. I doubt it. Going places for the first time, second time, fifth time...all are hard but none, for me, as hard as the first time...that time is shocking. I do not know how we manage to live when we have lost so much but we do and hopefully we (I) will use the time well. I am sorry you are hurting so much. We all know this pain...too well. Love, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 my dear friend howie went to assisted living today and picked up john's things for me. what a relief. it would have been very hard for me to do it. he said he'll also help me pack the rest of john's things up when i'm ready. they'll be donated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizardo Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Dear Lizardo, Yes, this is very early into your journey. Grief is exhausting. I have never been so tired in my life after a day of doing nothing but grieving. It does get easier but these days are important for you to just allow yourself to feel your pain and do what is good for you. I agree...the word "should" just does not fit. I have learned over these almost 28 months that grief is my teacher and it won't destroy me. It will change me and has...forever. I wish you some peace filled moments today...memories of happy times which I found difficult to think about early on but which do help a bit. Peace, Mary Thank you so much, Mary.... and many hugggsss all around to everybody who is hurting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosel Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it is over. I can't believe he has been gone 20 months. 20 months seem much longer than the 48 years we were married. Cosel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Oh Cossel, that is hard. It's hard to go through all of these experiences without them. Jan, I've felt all that you are feeling, although it's been some time since I have. I made it through the transitory feeling, made it through denial, and it no longer is difficult for me to go places alone, I'm alone all of the time. The one thing I've never shed is missing him, although sometimes it seems like a dream that I ever knew him, ever had that life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 You are right Kay, the 20 years that I had with Mike seem more like a dream anymore, than the 30 months that he has been gone. I have learned to live without him, and will continue living alone. I have tried a little dating, but it is just not for me....I seem to compare everyone to that larger than life fellow that is gone. It is all right I guess, I get lonesome, but try to keep busy. Mary, what you said about forgetting for a moment that they are gone. I actually really did that the other day. I had dreamed about Mike, don't even really remember the dream, just that he was in it. Later the next morning, I was heading down my hallway to get something out of the bedroom, and the thought came to my mind that I would see if Mike would put up the new mailbox today. Then a second later, reality hit. 30 months, and I still expect him to be here. Even if I should live another 30 years, I think it will still be the same. Those of you who are so new to this journey, don't be discouraged by what I said, mostly things are all right, but there are still moments that I forget he is gone, and sudden unexpected grief comes rolling in when seconds later I remember. Time does help somewhat, and coping will become easier. Also, don't try to do anything to someone elses timetable. You will know when the time is right for you to do any of it. I just a few weeks ago finally took the last of Mike's stuff from the dresser drawers. I have about 5 totes in the basement with some of his clothes, shoes, hats, just some of his favorites that I could not give away. I have also taken boxes and boxes of his clothes and shoes to a local Share and Care. This is a slow process, don't be rushed by people that really don't understand. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 And when I see all the photos I have everywhere I feel worse and wonder if I ought not to have them on display. If you want them on display, then that is what you "ought" to do. If you don't, that is what you "ought" to do. My point being the only "oughts" or "shoulds" etc are what work FOR YOU. There is no other ought or should that means a bleepin darn thing! Pls don't think there is some unwritten rule about such things and nuts to anyone who tells you differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I have always been a person guided by Oughts and Pete was always telling me not to be. He had to remind me often. Thanks for the reminder. No Oughts. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I have always been a person guided by Oughts and Pete was always telling me not to be. He had to remind me often. Thanks for the reminder. No Oughts. Jan Hi Jan, I have not had much contact with you this week due to wicked schedule which is winding down now. As for "oughts" I have had a lot of those though my spirit is one of freedom-a rebel if you will....hopefully the next chapter will be more in keeping with that spirit again (i.e. a minimum shoulds, oughts, musts). When I was studying massage many years ago I was told that our shoulders are that place in our body where we carry our "shoulds". They are our "shudders" if you will. Hence their tightness. Mine are like steel right now. My massage therapist needs a pick ax...between the emotional stress and the stress of sitting at a computer. We all need to lighten up on the shoulds...I hope you can. Sounds like Pete would be smiling about that. Off to day 3 of 5 days of art. I am loving every minute of it. Saturday is training day for therapy dog program. That is the last of 7 full days of classes in a row. The ending of my too busy wicked schedule is going out with a bang. I will e you tonight when I get home. I think about you and your loss. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I have always been a person guided by Oughts and Pete was always telling me not to be. He had to remind me often. Thanks for the reminder. No Oughts. Jan You're welcome Not saying "oughts" should always be ignored, just that really there scarcely is such a thing when dealing with loss like this is concerned. The pics are a good example. Hang in there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2boysmom Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 I feel the same way. My husband had a heart attack at 52. It has been one month and I sometimes still forget for just a second when I wake up in the morning and the pain hits me again and again. I have two teenage boys and I am desparately trying to keep it together in front of them. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. I am back at work and run to the bathroom to cry several times a day. Everone wants to know if I am ok and I say yes. But I feel like I will never be OK again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widower Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. You're very early in this though, remember it will take time, lots of it. I realize having 2 boys (teens no less!) makes this harder in some ways, but on the other hand be glad you are there for each other. I had no one when I lost my loved one, which magnified the emptiness that much more. I know the "are you OK" brilliant question too, wow did I hate that initially. ("how do you think I am you #@{:content:}quot; I used to want to say) - and how I used to hate the phoniness of my "OK" response. That all said, I do believe confidently you can be "OK" again, although you will obviously never be the same again. I believe I can be too, though I'm not there yet and confess to having had my share of doubts. Just some random ramblings - hold on and feel free to vent here any time, that's what we're here for........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2012 Report Share Posted July 22, 2012 2boysmom (((hugs))) My husband had just turned 51 when he had his heart attack and died seven years ago. I hope you will continue to come here and post, sometimes it helps to have people to talk to that understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2boysmom Posted July 30, 2012 Report Share Posted July 30, 2012 It does help talking to others who have been there - no one else can understand the pain. Some days are much better than others. Going to try a local loss group and see if that helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeresaR Posted July 31, 2012 Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 I am grateful you are sharing your testaments to a great love. I feel the love you shared and still have as I read. Thank you Teresa Saw a couple and the dog park, they were holding hands. I felt a darkness coming over my heart as that's what we did and then I stepped back and was happy for them (still sad for me). Took Matthew from the hospital to hospice house today...he doesn't want to be touched, agitated...Going back to sit tonight....I am afraid he wont know me soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted July 31, 2012 Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 2boysmom, I am so very sorry for your loss. *hugs* My husband also died from heart issues. I have a nine year old daughter and initially I tried to hold it all together for her, until I realized that she needs to know it is ok to grieve and the best way to teach her that is to allow myself to grieve in front of her. I try not to wail, but I do cry in front of her (sometimes a lot). I explained to her that grieving is normal. When you love someone and they die you grieve for them. I also explained that everyone grieves in their own way and it is ok to grieve as you need to. If you need to cry then that is ok and if you do not need to cry that is ok also. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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