Lost The Girl Of My Dreams After Her Nephew Passed

[cloudburst51]

1

[kayc]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through...and what she is going through also. You may have lost her, but if you have, it's not anything you have done or could have done different, it is just the fallout of tragedy and grief. Not everyone responds the way she does, but it occurs often enough that it seems to be a fairly common response. I have been through a lot in my life, yet I never would have cut out those closest to me, I would rather have drawn from their supportiveness so I was completely caught off guard when my fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying. It has been over two years now and although we talk on the phone often, nothing more...

I really don't know what to tell you. People who are grieving are very sensitive. It could be if you show up at her job she will take that as pressure and will not view it favorably. She may take your returning her items as rejection. If she had said "I don't want to see you any more, please bring my items back", then you should, but she didn't. It's hard to know what's going on in her mind.

What I have gathered is it is important to respect their wishes, give them their requested space, continue being supportive and caring and there if they want you. HOWEVER, it is not possible to continue this venue indefinitely. They seem to avoid confrontation and do not want to tell us what is going on with them so it is very difficult to ascertain where we stand with them. At some point we have to close off and move on emotionally for our own well being. While it is noble to continue being there for them, it would be foolish not to consider our own needs, our own mental health. We cannot live indefinitely with a broken heart.

I have concluded that many of the relationships described in this section of the forum, were either formed quickly or the other person had changed and no longer wanted the same thing...when death and stressors hit, they could no longer continue as they had and they pulled back. It is not merely lack of time or being overwrought with emotions, although those factored in greatly. It seems the relationships themselves were not as healthy as we had been led to believe and it finally comes to a head.

Here we are, pouring our hearts and souls into a person we love deeply and they are not feeling reciprocal. They are numb to our pain, which they are causing, and treat us callously. It is puzzling, but there you have it. We are left holding the bag, so to speak.

I wish you well and hope you do what you need for your own peace of mind. Remember, you cannot hold out for her forever. At some point, you have to do what is right for YOU.

[cloudburst51]

Thank you for your kind wise words. I have been reading a lot of your posts on this site and you seem to have a good grip on these type of situations. I know we all wish that we didn't have to know how to cope with something like this but life happens and we can't control it. But I still find my self banging my head against the wall. It's pretty much what you say. There's nothing I can do, I could keep calling and texting and demanding answer but what kind of idiot does that? Obviously, no matter what I have done for her and the feelings she had before, she doesn't feel the need to talk to me. And I really only want someone that does. The one thing that creeps in my mind is that she may have turned to someone else. I try to keep those thoughts out of my head though as much as possible. I haven't decided whether or not to find her at work. It seems romantic and noble but like you said, she could view it unfavorably. But, if she already has a problem with me, at least I would get some sort of resolution. Which I need greatly.

None of my friends or family, even my mom who is a hospice nurse, understand her behavior. They've had death and grief before but they've never shut people completely out of their lives. Especially ones that they thought meant something to them. I just can't believe how sad I am about her and her situation. It's not even her child though and it seems something else is going on. Especially a month ago we were planning to start going out again. Maybe I'll just call her and ask nicely for us to talk because I really think we need to. I have never pressured her about us so I don't think she'll be too overwhelmed with it.

[cloudburst51]

Appreciate all the help I can get thanks,

[kayc]

If you are truly interested in saving this relationship, I wouldn't talk relationship talk just yet. I'd give her space, be there in the background. But at some point you're going to have to put your own self first by doing what you need to do for YOU and begin your healing and moving on process. It's tough. Just remember, it's not you (I know, little consolation, huh?) and you can't control the outcome.

Hang in there, the pain will die down eventually, it always does. I don't get it any more than you do, no one here seems to understand this type of response...I lost my father, a nephew, niece, my MIL, grandparents, my husband, and countless pets...I've never shut out my loved ones. The hardest was my husband, but STILL I didn't shut out my loved ones! Maybe they're overwhelmed and don't have it in them to do a relationship at this time, but still they manage to go to work, see their other friends, etc. so that doesn't make sense. UNLESS maybe there was a fracture in the relationship to start with...something we didn't know about or see, but something THEY were aware of. Then maybe they couldn't handle dealing with that and their grief, I don't know, just speculating, but it seems that might be a key.

[Brokency]

Well, part of your problem is that you were only dating a few weeks when all of this happened. And the saying is that you are only as attached to your relationship as what you have invested in. While you have continued investing your heart, thoughts, and actions to her & pursuing your relationship, she has not invested in that--b/c she is absorbed in her own grief or she did not reciprocate your feelings of connection. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just throwing some reasoning out there.

I've gone through the same thing with my current boyfriend, who tried to shut me out completely after his mother died, while I had stood by his side through her sickness, cancer, and then death. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. But I did persist, and we are still together, although we were broken up for two months. However, we had a little more time together prior to the tragedy.

I also lost my husband, the father of my children, in a car wreck 8 years ago. I vividly remember being absolutely unable to think outside of my own head for the first few months. It wasn't intentional, and I even had close friends say later on that I had hurt them by my actions of indifference. I never meant to be that way, but it was like I was so lost inside my own grief swirling in my head, trying to figure out my place and direction in life now....I was unable to carry on meaningful conversations or even light banter with people. Also, on top of that, I felt entitled to my callousness in a way--like life had been so cold to me, that I was entitled to be cold to the world. This did wear off slowly--and I think by 6 months after, I was not 'over it' but I was to the point of being able to converse and function again.

It's hard to say without knowing you and her and your relationship. I know I waited for my boyfriend to come around and he did. But the difficulty didn't end there, his grief is still ongoing, and there are still times that I have to walk on eggshells b/c I know he is having a hard day with his loss. That part doesn't feel good--it's undeserved--his mom's passing wasn't my fault, but yet I am the one that he chose to shut out. Honestly, the way he treated me in those 2 months apart still hurts!! I still question everything in my head b/c it was so foreign and strange for us to go from being madly in love to being treated like an acquaintance who was stalking him or something!! That pain doesn't go away, but I made the decision that I loved him enough to forgive him this--although the pain itself hasn't been forgotten just yet.

I feel like I have gone on and on and not really given any advice--this is such a difficult situation, and there doesn't seem to be a cut and dry explanation. You do have to reach the point of protecting yourself though. When I finally gave up on pursuing my boyfriend, texting him, calling him, checking in with him.....when I closed off myself to protect myself from his grief---this is when he came back to me. So, my best advice would be to focus on yourself and your own needs and keeping yourself peaceful and happy. You have to let it be what it is--if she comes back to you, then you can reassess and decide if your heart is still in it, but if she does not, then you haven't driven yourself to the point of madness over it. Kayc is quite right, we can be noble and giving of ourselves, but you reach a point when you are tearing yourself down to serve their purpose, and in the end, that will leave you resentful, and in their grief--they are so self-centered in the grief that they will not understand you being hurt by them.

Just like I didn't understand when my best friend told me I hurt her feelings after my husband died. I wanted to say "Who gives a flying *&% if your feelings are hurt--my husband just died!!!" I loved my best friend, and she is still my best friend, and I'd never purposefully hurt her....but at the time, her speaking to me as if she was demanding an apology during a time when I had nothing to give--I saw her as being selfish and self-centered, when it was in fact me that was being cold.

So, that's a little bit from both sides of the fence, hope it helps, and I wish you the very best.

[kayc]

That is a good point, but it is not only time that shows a real investment in a relationship, it is other things as well. I've recommended it before, and I'll recommend it again Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders is an excellent book to help one depict whether or not another person is relationship material or not. The persons discussed here on this forum...I think not.

[kayc]

WWhen I finally gave up on pursuing my boyfriend, texting him, calling him, checking in with him.....when I closed off myself to protect myself from his grief---this is when he came back to me. So, my best advice would be to focus on yourself and your own needs and keeping yourself peaceful and happy. You have to let it be what it is

Excellent advice.

[cloudburst51]

Thanks to you guys for all the great advice. And of course, you're both right. There's nothing I can do these days to get them to start talking to me, and I wouldn't want them to if they themselves didn't want to. It's been a month and a half since I've heard from her after sending her my last letter and text. It is very frustrating and I continued to keep contacting her because the last she said she wanted to see me. Then nothing. Just another broken heart on the way, but as you all said, you have to let go otherwise we keep beating ourselves up. I left a voicemail last week letting her know that I hope she's dealing well and that it seems she doesn't want to talk to me right now but I'm always here when she's ready. I don't understand grief, and being that it wasn't her own son but her nephew, I thought this was something that one gets over and goes back to her old life. Especially since she sounded as if she was ready. I feel some overpowering need to be this great noble, romantic guy and be there for her and be the strong man that she always called me but I have the feeling my presence after all this time of comforting and consoling from a distance may have now made me unromantic in her eyes. I don't know. I wish she would tell me to just go away and that she has moved on. Otherwise, I know I will keep thinking of her for the next six months wondering. I've never asked her directly about our status and where she holds me now and wonder if in a month I should drop a line and ask or just let her be completely until she returns. If ever...

[MartyT]

My friend, I am struck by your comment, I don't understand grief, and being that it wasn't her own son but her nephew, I thought this was something that one gets over and goes back to her old life. It may help for you to know that grief is unique to the person experiencing it, there is no specific time frame for it, and it does not matter if this was "only" her nephew. What matters is the relationship she had with this boy and how attached they were to each other. It also matters that you're dealing with a culture different from your own: Her family is so tight and very close as they are Hispanic background and all live in the same city. I would encourage you to do some reading about what is normal in grief, as it may help you to understand better why your lady is reacting the way she is. But please bear in mind that there are many, many factors going on here that are complex and way beyond your control, and only you can decide if you are willing and able to wait.

You might find these articles helpful:

Understanding the Grief Process

Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

[kayc]

Unfortunately, you can't put your heart on hold while you wait for her to return to you...I'm not sure it'd be wise to do that, for your sake, even if you could tough it out. A person can give some space and time, but eventually you do need to do what is best for you. I hope you have read some other threads here because there really are some similarities.

One of the problems with waiting in the wings for someone is it seems to devalue ones-self...to the degree the other person can begin to think lower of you for doing that, rather than appreciating your great sacrifice and understanding. I don't get it, but it sure seems to work that way in a lot of cases, and they don't treat you with the consideration YOU are due.

We can't change other people. We can't alter the grief situation. But we can respect their need for space, while understanding that it may be an "I" instead of a "we" in the future, and there may come a point you have to focus on your own healing and moving on. You will know if and when it is time.

I wish we could have an answer for you, but we don't; like Marty said, each person's grief journey is unique and so are their responses.

[cloudburst51]

Yes, it is weird that some look at someone caring for them a lot and waiting, in the romantic sense, as a value reducer. I don't know if that's the case here. I still haven't heard from her and haven't tried to reach out to her yet. I still miss her a lot and think of her every day, wondering how she is, if she's healing bit by bit, etc. I do my daily thing and live life but there is this overwhelming feeling all the time to go find her and just see how she is. It's so strange when you find someone that you click with that they stick around in your head forever. We may drift back to each other as we have in the past, but I felt so close to her recently and was there during the crisis that it seems only natural to seek her out and talk to her. I dunno. We'll see...

[kayc]

Cloudburst,

Thinking of you...(((hugs)))

[cloudburst51]

That was the hardest year of loss the girl had and as for me, it all turned out the worst I could imagine...I doubt there is any advice left to give. I finally reached out to this person in December through email to ask to meet her and discuss our relationship, or if there would ever be again. I told her I had some things to say to her and she didn't have to talk to me, just listen since we never discussed 'us' since the death of her nephew and to meet and I could also return back a couple of her little things. Well, I finally go a response a couple of hours later and was crushed. She was infuriated with me. It seems after all this time, all the things I had learned and tried to do to help out, ease the pain, comfort her had made her mad. That is was all an attempt to insert myself into her life when she made it clear that she wanted to be left alone. It was all about me not her and that I was very selfish and was making it hard for her to heal.

But the thing is, she had been into all the things I had done, was very appreciative and thankful and we had even started making plans to start seeing each other again during all this. It hurt a lot to see that see had contempt towards me when the last time we had seen each other she thought we were moving towards a heavy loving relationship and was so into me. I had kept myself so far out of the picture, barely contacting her, like once a month, if that, to check in on her well-being. Every friend and family member I tell this story to, they all think I did everything right and wish they knew more caring stand-up men like me. But the girl that I wanted to give my strength the most to, who probably needed it more, in the end, saw it differently than she had originally. This is so hard. Can't imagine what it is for her. I was told to say what I wanted to say, throw away her things as she doesn't need them anymore. I wrote back explaining that all I had done had been talked about between us previously and there was no problems, what happened? I told her I would leave her alone to heal and that I was sorry that I hurt her, when all I was trying to do was the opposite. She said she just couldn't be what I wanted her to be right now.

In the end I never did tell her the way I really felt about her, how she is one of those rare connections that happens only a couple times in life, and that I wasn't just me when we started dating. I just wrote an apology letter because I was so shocked to hear how she now looked at me. I am so pissed at the world. Try to be a great guy, the way I was raised to be caring in time of people's need and it blew up in my face. She had to defer all feelings and thought of relationships once the tragedy set in but the feelings stayed quite strong within me. I haven't contacted her in three months and I still think of her everyday and wonder if I'll ever hear from her or if I should tell her I still care about her and for her to get ahold of me when she feels she's ready and see if we have anything left. I try to date other woman but I haven't come across that spark since. Any thoughts?

[kayc]

I'm sorry it came to this. It truly wasn't anything you said or did, you know that, don't you? No matter who you were, she would have lashed out at you. Sometimes those who are grief-stricken aren't in their right mind. They feel angry and take it out on the one that's closest to them, they feel safer to do so with them. They don't think things out, they react.

To be quite honest, you need to focus on what is best for you and let her find her own way in her own time. When Jim broke up with me, I packed up his things and dropped them off on his front porch the next morning, his roommate was there and he was gone. We have been able to recover a friendship but that is all. Some do, some don't.

You ARE a good guy, and you just keep on being who you were raised to be and it will pan out eventually. Only God knows the plans He has for you but rest in this: He has someone for you...whether it's to recover this relationship someday or to have an even better one with someone else, He has a plan for you. I know, that seems of little consolation in the here and now when you don't know what that is or if/when, but hang in there, it won't stay like this forever, and neither will the heartache.

Give yourself a chance to heal...cut off all contact with her including Facebook. Any news you have of her will just prolong your agony. Tell your family/friends you don't want to hear about her, that you need to move on. And stick to it no matter what you feel. It will help you recover and then and only then will you be ready for what God has in store for you.

You didn't do anything wrong...I wish there was one of you my age!

[annette85035]

ALl I would think you can do at this point,is just let her know you're here incase she needs a friend or an ear. And that when she is ready you will be around.