The Pain And Guilt Are Too Much To Bear Any Longer

[Quivers mom]

My precious Quiver crossed Rainbow Bridge Labor Day at 2 AM without me for the first time in

in 13 years. I feel so guilty and depressed its unbareable. If I would have put him to sleep

it would have been easier to accept but this is what happened.

Quiver was rescued by the Phoenix Second Chance program in 2000. He had wondered the streets for days with

an arrow shot through him before someone finally picked up the phone and called the Police. The pain he

must have felt as he bumped into everything, they said was enough to kill him. They felt something special

with him and gave him a second chance at life.

Because of him and a couple other cases of cruelty at the time, our Sheriff Joe Arpiao, Known nationwide as the toughest Sheriff in the West passed it that animal cruelty in Arizona be a Felony!

Quiver went up for adoption and with hundreds of TV stations from all over and over a hundred applicants, I was

chosen to get him. I took him home and from the time he walked in the door he took to my 75 year old mother

and they were inseparable. I have no doubt she would have died soon had Quiver not entered her life. He would physically get sick and refuse to eat if she packed suitcases to go anywhere, so she had to do it behind his back in the garage.

Mom fell a couple of times so I sold my home and moved in with her. During that time Quiver went through a cancer

scare and a serious PU operation for crystals (at about $3000.00)

The Animal Planet wanted to do a story on him and were to start filming on Thursday. Mom was diagnoised with Cancer on Tues so we cancelled it.

Mom beat the cancer with the help of Quiver and lived to be 82. When she passed away, my siblings came to town and

hit me, pushed me out of the house and locked the door. But thats a whole other story. Bottom line was I stayed at the house sleeping on the back patio on boxes for 4 days. One day I was not there and they backed a truck up and stole everything I owned and mom's too. All this while mom was in the back room dying. I did not know this until she passed and they left.

I spent 3 months in bed, crying, depressed, lost weight till I was a skeletion. Neighbors could not get me to come to the door and said if I didn't they would call the police. I slowly came around only with Quivers help who never left my side.

Quiver would crawl up my lap, look me in the eye then touch the tear rolling down my cheek with his nose.

Then as if to wipe it away he would put his cheek on the tear to dry it up. He would put his paws on either side

of my neck and I could feel every muscle in his body as he help so tight as if to say "I'm here, everything will

be ok.

I lost my mother, my job, everything I owned, and part of my inheiretance (which mom had barely nothing anyway)

but all along, I had Quiver. He was like no other I ever had. He didn't even know he was a cat.

I was forced to move to this little miserable town where my daughter and grandsons live. I had not lived around

her for 20 years. She is a horrible person and mother, but I did not know. I was weak and fell. broke my arm and got a black eye. After that I had to have emergency back surgery. After two weeks, she refused to take me to the dr

for check up. I had to drive an hour to the next town to the dr with a turtle cast over my upper body with no

pain meds so I could drive 2 weeks after surgery. I was on a walker.

I had to stay in her basement and she would not allow the boys to come down to visit. I was allowed no heat

and it was snowing bad these months. So Quiver has instinct to stay close to me for his body heat and we

spent 7 months in bed.

I moved out and got a place. Then she came in and stole from me (I didn't have much) but took Quiver cage he

goes to the vet in. She is hateful, she controls everyone and was on perscription drugs (abusing them) I had

to go my own way from her.

So for Quiver, after all the time he has been there and got me throught this horrible life and ordeals, his

time had come.

It started last Friday when I noticed he would not eat anything. I immediately took him to the vet.

His regular vet was not there. The one I saw misdiagnoised him after blood test and said he

was constipated and sent me home with mere lubricant. All his organs, heart and lungs were good.

I called them on Sunday morning and she said to "just increase the dose".

He got weaker. I called again Sunday evening and the first thing out of her mouth

was "you know they charge more for weekends!" I said I don't care, tomorrow is labor day and he

wont make it to tues.

She met me there, said he had a blockage and did surgery. She called and said he is groggy but coming around.

I said should I come get him. She said best to leave him here and get some fluids.

I did not know she was going to leave him right away BEFORE she saw him come out of the anethesia alright.

She returned and called me that he was having problems breathing and I rushed there about 15 min later.

She met me and said he passed away.

She said he started vomiting and then having problems breathing.

I just went crazy uncontrolable sobbing, I didn't get to say good-bye.

I think she left him and he vomited and was to weak to stand up or get it out and asperated

and died either before she got there or she found him like that.

Now my guilt is so bad that he had to die in a cage ALONE without me after all the years

of comfort he gave me. I am sooo sorry. I feel guilty for not thinking to tell her to give him

nausea meds with the anesthesia but knowing his history of vomiting she should have anyway!

I have been in bed 3 days and no will to live or go on. How could I do this to my baby. I can't prove

any of it but know thats what happened. I just want to tell him I am sooo sorry,

I have cried non stop, have not eat barely at all. I just want to go hold and be with my baby. I have

felt my mom around me and even seen them (her and others) walking around my house.

Yesterday I asked mom to please show me a sign that she has Quiver and that hes ok.

I was sitting on the floor in the bedroom looking for pictures of Quiver. There was a stack of books

across the room that had been stacked there undisturbed for a month. Those books suddenly fell over!

Is that the sign I asked for? Is he ok? Did the vet kill him? Did he suffer? Did he feel I let him

down not being there?

IF ANYONE PUTS THEIR PET UNDER ANESTHESIA MAKE THEM GIVE NAUSEA MEDS MIXED IN.

I am so depressed and distraught. I just don't know how to go on without my baby.

I feel so guilty, depressed and despondant over thinking of him in that cage dying with no one around

to comfort him when he gave his all and when I say ALL I mean it.

One of the grandsons has Cystic Fibrosis, Quiver seemed to know it and was gently with him. Once night

his mother (my daughter) kicked him out of the house and when I woke he was at my house. Quiver had

gotten up on his lap and put his arms around his shoulders and they were asleep.

How could I let my baby die alone like this? I didn't get to say good-bye and that I am so sorry.

I am just crying all day and don't know how to go on with this guilt and how he died.

I am 68 now and totally alone, empty house, silent walls, don't even want to get out of bed. Greiving

is hard enought but the guilt of him dying alone is more than I can bare. How do I go on?

[MartyT]

Dear one, I am so saddened by your story, and so sorry that your beloved Quiver has died. I understand that you are suffering the pain and guilt you feel due to the tragic circumstances of his death, and I won't try to take that pain and guilt away from you. You feel whatever you feel. All I can tell you is that, from what you have told us, it is clear that this is NOT YOUR FAULT ~ and I hope that, as you hear from others here who read your story, you will come to accept that as true.

I received a lovely newsletter this morning from a friend and colleague, Teresa Wagner, which I've forwarded to you via email, as I think it contains some information and resources that will prove helpful to you. Teresa is a wonderful, warm and caring person whose expertise in the field of pet loss is second to none, and I hope her words bring you some small measure of comfort. Meanwhile, please know that your voice has been heard, and you have our deepest sympathy. ♥

[CJ Anderson]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is one more unbearable thing on top of everything else you have gone through.

Next YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME - in fact, you did EVERYTHIN POSSIBLE for him and I KNOW that he knows it!

You are not to blame for his sickness.

You are not to blame for the vets choices!

You DID get him advance care - you cant DO more then that!

If I can share my belief after so many dogs of my own. I believe they can chose when to die.

I believe that a slow dead would have destroy you, watching it coming. The same for being present when he went!

I hate this life without my babies. It is just that there is another life to rescue and one more day, so I do what I can.

I hope you can let go of the quilt. The grieving is going to take a while. We are here for you!

He was such a precious soul, I feel strongly he has become your quardian angel!

Hugs

CJ

[enna]

You have my deepest sympathy.

"Grief is like the ocean , it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." This quote is by: Vicki Harrison and it reminded me of all the pain we will go through during our life times. I am so sorry that you are suffering the loss of your Quivers on top of so many other pains. We are here for you. enna

[kayc]

Oh my sweet soul, how you have suffered! I do understand your closeness to Quiver, it is what I feel with my dog, Arlie. Sometimes these companions are a godsend to us...and we to them. I am glad you had these 12 years with your Quiver, you were everything to each other. I am also sorry you lost your mother. There have been times I have questioned "Why?!" when things happened, but I never got an answer, and stopped asking...I only know that life is not fair or equitable, and some have it easy and some have it hard, it is only ours to do our best with and that is all we can do.

I have lived alone, for the most part of the last seven years when my husband passed away. I know what it is to feel alone. I know you may not feel ready yet, and I know it would not be the same as having Quiver, but perhaps you could give consideration to helping out another animal that needs your love and care...it seems it is a double-sided blessing, at least for me it has been...when you feel ready that is.

Thank you for sharing with us the tip to get anti-nausea meds along with anesthesia. We rely on vets and doctors to tell us these things.

You can talk to Quiver now and tell him how you feel. I talk to my dead husband sometimes, and who knows but maybe they hear us? Have you visited the Rainbow Bridge, I put the link on another thread here and I know Marty has too. I believe we will rejoin our beloved pets when it is our time, they are too vibrant to just be gone!

Please come here and share whenever you feel like it, there will be someone happen along to listen, okay?

You're in my thoughts and prayers today...

[Quivers mom]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and understanding. My tears are so thick

I can hardly read, but my heart is heavier.

I don't feel like I deserve another pet. Right now I don't feel like I even deserve

to eat. I've barely slept. I got out of the house for the first time to get meds

but was like I was in a foggy dream. I could see cars go by and people all around but

like I didn't hear them.

I haven't been to Rainbow Bridge but will look for it. I did order a heart locket that has

a little gold vial inside it for his ashes. On the back it says "always in my heart"

I will go to my email and get the newsletter, thank you

Thank you all

[kayc]

Try to be easy on yourself, after all, what do you think Quivers would want for you? Of course you deserve another pet, but it may take time before you realize it...and even more importantly, they deserve YOU! It took me a few months after losing Lucky before I went and got Arlie, you will know if and when the time is right.

There are many versions of The Rainbow Bridge, here is a link to one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

[Quivers mom]

Its been 11 days now and feels like this morning. It is still so much pain

I feel like I have a big hole inside. I feel blah like I have no feelings

anymore. Don't want to do anything, sleep aot, eat very little, lost weight,

and just no interest.

When does it get any better? Everytime I have to drive into town I have to

pass this horrible vet center and it hits me like a rock and I just want to

screem.

Does anyone believe in Pet psychics? pet reincarnation? They say that they

can come back if they chose to, but I know he is with my mom and they are happy.

I wished I could stop feeling so guilty and that I let him down. If I could have

held him and said goodbye, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.

[CJ Anderson]

You have got two separate things going on. One is the grieving. Do not leat anyone tell you how long that should take, Hospice of the Valley talks about the year of grieving because there are all these firsts with out them. I grieve for Boo bear that I lost last moth, for Junebug that I lost 3 years ago, for Thunder that I lost 11 uears ago...Different moments have different intensities but I do not let that stop me from continuing to work with the other rescues, especially when my heart is not in it.

Then there is the quilts, all the coulda, woulda and shouldas - and that dear one, you must be RUTHLESS with your self to know allow that in. I literally have two beings inside me - the one that blames me for everything that doesnt work out and the adult that knows that mistakes happen and we do the best we know how, even on the bad hair days!

We know how awful it is and we are here for you!!!

Hugs!

CJ

[Quivers mom]

Thank you, CJ. Its so true, both of it battling each other to see which will

control my mind for the day. Everything reminds me of Quiver. It is so hard.

Today is the first day (or night) I got some rest. I think just from sheer

exhaustion. I so appreciate this site. Not many people around me would even

understand how it hurts. It has helped me cope.

For the first time, I have been trying to find a way to not only honor Quiver

for all he gave me, but to warn (or educate) others on vet choices, care, and

following your instincts. Quiver had let me know many months prior he did not

like this vet the first time I saw her. (she had not done anything to him at the

time but he knew she was not good) I sensed it immediately as I watched him

in the exam and he gave me strong senses of discomfort from her.

After that, I always refused to have her if I could wait until the other vet was in.

It is so hard and so guilty, that when he needed it most, she was the only one available

there and after the Friday night I was forced to see her and she misdiagnoised him,

I should have gone elsewhere. I can't seem to live that down and feel I let him down after he

had clearly told me his dislike.

I am trying to interrupt the feelings of depression, guilt, anger, and grieving

when I get them, to try and think of what I can do. I have no family, alone and

past my golden years. He was my whole world.

I may be starting a website for him in his honor. I have learned so much after

he had died that I did not know before and part of the "I should have" too. I

don't know if he would have lived longer if I would have brought him home rather

than leave him there after surgery, where he was alone, but at least he would

have died in my arms with love and comfort and thats the hardest thing to get over.

Thanks for listening and being there.

[kayc]

I know that is how I'd be feeling too, but he may not have been aware of anything at the time either. I hope you can get such much needed rest.