Lost Heart Broken And Worried

[Jmiller]

Hello everyone and I am fairly new. My Finance lost her 20 year old daughter in May from complications from her double lung transplant the year prior due to Cystic Fibrosis. She went off with out me when her daughter passed to grieve and deal with family as they have been through all of this for years. It was tough her being gone for the month or so as I wanted to help comfort her. She said she would need me here at home when she got done to be there for her. Since that time she has many bad days grieving over her daughter. She spends allot of time with my 6 year old son helping get him to school or you name it. she is with him 24x7 at times she loves him allot. She counts the days of chelsea passing and has said that when chelsea husband dies it will be like living chelsea death over again and even more so as the last person connected to her daughter would now be gone. August 26th was her daughters 1st year wedding anniversary.

My Finance had a hard time with it then September 4th came around which marked her daughters day of death and she puts a mask on I could tell.. When we go to bed she hasn't been holding my hand as of late she is is hurting all over headaches dizzy at times smiles says she loves me , but she is just having a hard time with missing her daughter. if i make certain meals she gets upset as they where her daughters favorite. We bought my son a dog a few weeks ago and she took the dog on as her main mission to train .

Past couple weeks she has been still quiet. we plan our weekends, play games with my son, dinners, working on house etc. She has all these changes we need or would like at the house. we have completed alot of them over the past few weeks. Wednesday morning she helped me get ready talked to me about some ideas in the kitchen and ideas for halloween. Wednesday at 1145 she sent me a text saying I love you sweetie xxooo. she texted she was laying food out for dinner tonight for us. i called her twice after lunch and no answer. figured she was with the new dog or in the shower.

300 rolled around and i got home to see her car was gone some items were gone, and her cloths majority were gone all pictures of her daughter and toiletries etc. she left behind some boxes in the basement wall items vases and other stuff she loves and spent allot of money on. The dog and his bones and one dish was gone.

there was a letter on the island said I cannot pretend to be happy anymore and i need to heal my broken heart i miss my daughter Im Sorry.

I found out the next morning that her daughters husband passed that morning, so my fiance must of gotten a call on his condition and was told he was going to pass so she got upset and fled . I have not heard from her and I need to give her space to grieve. She made it clear to me before to allow her space and don't think she is mad at me or that she doesn't love me we have our whole life together and she needs time to fix her heart. she also would say that she wants to run off and curl up in a box and just cry.... My sons mother called and said that the day my fiance left she sat my son down and said she was going away to see her daughter and fix her heart and she was taking his dog and that the dog was still his.

I know late at night diet pepsi and snickers are her thing when she gets down. So i haven't tried to call her or text and wanted to give her space to try and deal with her pain and hurt as thats how she delt with it last time. So instead I mailed her some snickers bars she favors when in these moods and some money for gas food etc. i also included a letter letting her know that we love her and i am not going any where and I am committed to her and i will hold the fort down and take care of my son, keep her side of the bed warm and will not text or call her and that she can when she is ready to come home or talk. so far the package has not come back and I keep waiting everyday for it to be returned. .. insecurity on my side.

On her face book every now and then she post a new photo of her daughter and her husband and it says i cant believe you both are gone or this is the darkest day of my life and that is about it. Her fb is all about her daughter and then I noticed that she hide or removed our relationship status. Part of grieving? I don't know..

This isn't about me and it is about her and her loss, but it has now been a week since she left. Gone for good? i don't know,on a break for a few weeks or months i still don't know she loves us and misses us still don't know. I know her daughters bday is coming up October 15th and this will be another set back for her. I cannot help etc I am struggling. is this normal or common in grieving I lost a brother to suicide 14 years ago , but i never lost a child so I have no idea what she is going through. An advice from anyone would be helpful on how to handle or remain calm or should I be worried and that she isn't returning.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. This is one of the most perplexing positions to be in. You might want to do some reading in the "Loss of Love" section, as there are a lot of threads there in similar situations, usually from someone losing a parent but it could happen with losing a child as well...then distancing from their fiance, and in many cases, breaking off altogether. My fiance broke up with me over two years ago when his mom was dying and he was her caretaker. Grief can begin when someone is dying, or it can begin at death when it is sudden onset. Your fiance certainly seems to be demonstrating those familiar behaviors.

I can't give you any reason "why" a person pulls away from the closest person to them when they are grieving. I have been through a lot of losses in my life, including my sweet husband seven years ago, and I never pulled away from my loved ones. Yet in these threads, you will see that while they continue to see their friends, go to work, even take vacations, the fiances get left out for some reason.

I hope in your situation she will come back to you and your son. Everyone's situation is different so there is no predicting the outcome, so please don't put on your situation what has happened in everyone else's. But DO prepare yourself, if possible, for anything. My very best advice to you is to try and keep busy with your life, let your focus be on you and your son, while maintaining a low key supportive position for her. She wants space and you will need to respect her wishes, even though you may feel you're cutting your heart out in the process. We can't force someone to want to be with us. Know this had nothing to do with you, how you are, etc., it is just a horrible turn of events, something random that affected your lives in a very large way. Everything would be different if this hadn't happened, but it did happen. Our only choice is to deal with it as best as we can. You will feel pain as you grieve the loss of her as she pulls away, as she is off living her life without you. It will be hard to sleep. You may want to visit a doctor and let them know what's going on and see if they can help you with it. It will be really important to take good care of yourself, eat right, get exercise, etc. to give yourself the very best you can. Don't forget that your son also may grieve the loss of her as she's not around in his daily life right now. He may or may not get the dog back, we'll see. People who are grieving are lost in their grief and don't always see what others are going through and she may procrastinate returning the dog or seeing you guys face to face. This is one more thing for him to have to deal with. You may want to have him see a grief counselor so he can discuss his feelings about what he's going through. Keep the lines of communication open with him, but realize he may be hesitant talking to you because he may feel you have enough on your plate or not want to hurt you by bringing it up. Maybe talk to his teacher and let them know what is going on in his life so they can understand if they see anything different displayed and cue you in on how to help him through it.

I wish you the best possible outcome. You WILL get through this, one day at a time.

[SomeoneRandom]

Hello Jmiller!

The situation you describe is certainly perplexing but understandable.

Everyone's situation and "grieving time" is different. She will certainly need alot of time and space to heal. Hopefully she will return when she's good and ready. All you can do at the moment is show her you still are there to support her, but at the distance she wants. I pulled away from everyone when I was grieving and still hold my distance at times.

Focus on your son and try to get into a normal routine. I don't think I can add anything more to kayc's wonderful advice.

Hopefully your situation will resolve in time, but be prepared.

We are here for you.

[Jmiller]

Thank you both for your replies and your supporting words. I am struggling. I try and keep reminding my self she is struggling with something horrible and a lose i cannot image. I lost my brotyher, but this is a different lose and one i cant understand in ways, but as you have said she may keep others close and be distant. i see the postings of her daughter and loving words nothnig deep and conversational. My ex wife who is great said that my Fiance has been sending pictures of drake the dog every coulple days for my son. She told him its his dog and he is fixed on that. It is hurtful, but I havent crossed the line of telling her or even reaching out to her. I have been giving her space as she needs, but the nights and days pass on with out a call or a text saying i love you or need you to lean on.... it is hurtful and scary. Yes my son has been quiet and got upset during his prayers asking if she will come back with his dog. I keep him very busy and when he goes to be and is asleep i cry my self to sleep. I pace the house when he is out side playing with the other kids. I take him out and he has fun but I have this pain in my gut and all I can do is think of her. Staring at the couch, sleeping on her side of the bed , constantly going through to see what she took and what she left and hoping those were signs she was returning....its horrible. It is now monday she has been gone since the 6th. My son goes back to his moms on wednesday and thats when the house will get quieter.... maybe the package wont come back till he is gone so when i lose it and cry he wont see it. or I keep working my self up to it and it isnt coming back. Im sorry if I seem like a baby or like my feelings even compare to what she is going though.. im trying to understand from being next to her as she greived day to day and helping her where i can to being told i love you sweetie and three hours later gone. This grief has been painful for her and this was the other shoe. I will try to get a book to read on this. I just hope I hear something from her. we miss her and love her......

The package i sent last week has not come back with the money for gas and food and the snickers bars lol.. so that is a sign in a way i guess. But i wont lie I keep going to the house and looknig on the porch for a package that has been returned. I dont think it will but Im praying that it helps and she knows we are here. I jump everytime the phone rings, or a text comes in.

[kayc]

I'm sorry for all you are going through, you are not a baby, you are grieving, and understandably so. I doubt she'll return the package, she doesn't hate you, she just feels unable to do the relationship right now. Time will tell how it'll go. Try to take care of yourself. Having a child that is affected makes it doubly hard, yet at the same time it gives you some focus and something to do. I'm sure it'll be hard when he's at his mom's. I wish she hadn't taken the dog as your son needs him and it's hard for him to understand at his young age.

You're in my thoughts this week...

[Jmiller]

Thank you. One day at a time. Easier said than done.I need to be patient and help her where she needs. She is our world and I am here not going any where. Will do what is needed for her at the drop of a hat... I will wait for her call and we will see what happens.

[kayc]

BTW, Jim broke up with me Aug 10, 2010 and has not sought to get back together. After he broke up with me, we had no contact for about 2 1/2 months, but then resumed by phone mostly. We have only seen each other twice since then, once when he invited me over, and once when he dropped by my office. I leave the initiative up to him as to what he feels he can handle. Neither of us has dated anyone since then. But we have maintained a friendship and it is worth keeping. I miss him, but I do not seek to resume our relationship as it was as he has issues to work out himself, I can't do that for him, and I do not want to get my heart broken again and do not need more of the same. But I am glad we were able to at least keep a friendship, we talk to each other about every other day or so.

Sometimes a relationship changes and we have to accept that, but it is still good.

[Jmiller]

I am sorry to hear that. I truely am. that has to be hard I have had a rough few days my son woke up around 3am asking to have drake his dog home and my fiance he misses her. i settled him and tried to explain things to him the best i could. i seen on facebook she has been at some friends huses hanging with them drinking and having some good times from the postings ,but nothing to me or calls or texts letting me know she is ok etc.. a posting of lets all get togther and where do you live and she posted cheboygan, which is 5 hours from here and is where she was selling her house. not our address down here. I was shocked, scared and I am lost! this seems worse than I thought I know there is greiving playing into this but I have a son that has grown close to her and bonded and now she isnt here.

[MartyT]

My friend, my heart hurts for you as I read your tragic story. I'm so sorry that all this is happening to you and your son. All of it is totally beyond your control, and I can only imagine how devastating this must be for you.

As a grief counselor myself, I want to encourage you to seek some sort of professional counseling for yourself and your son as you find your way through this difficult situation. There is so much going on here, the outcome of which is totally uncertain and unpredictable. While we can offer compassion and empathy on this site (such as the wonderful support you're receiving from our dear member Kay) I just don't think it is enough. You need and deserve the sort of understanding and support you will find from meeting in person with someone who can help you and your boy sort through all of this. Losing an adult child is one of the most life-altering events that can happen to a person ~ and because grief is unique to the person experiencing it, there is no way to know how your fiance will continue to deal with this. We can refer you to articles and books that may help you better understand what your lady is going through, but since she is not the person talking to us by posting here, we can only guess at what she herself is experiencing. As Kay says, your primary focus must be on taking care of you and your son, as that is where your primary responsibility lies. And it seems to me that, in order to deal with your own grief, you deserve some professional support. The loss you and your son are experiencing is also one of the most difficult to endure, because it is an ambiguous one. You don't know if you've really lost this woman or if one day she will come back to you and how you would feel if she does. So you don't know when and if you "should" be mourning the loss of her. This is a form of complicated grief, and the feelings are the same as if your fiance has died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But because she hasn't really "died," your grief is complicated by your need to keep hope alive, which constantly interrupts or delays the mourning process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It's like harboring a wound that cannot heal. As one expert in this field states, "With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity."

The fact that your son is deeply involved in this loss only complicates your situation further. For his sake and your own, I hope you will consider meeting in person with a professional counselor to get some guidance and support. You are worth it, your son is worth it, and you both deserve it.

[Jmiller]

Thank you and I agree with you totally. It is hard and not knowing if she is gone for good or be back. hurts not knowing and being left in the dark. I appreciate your input and it means the world to me and my son.

[kayc]

I totally agree. It is magnified by how it's affecting your son and your need for answers so you can know how to make decisions regarding both of you. One of the hard things I learned was that sometimes we don't get answers and we must proceed in our own best interest for self-survival.

In time you may want to consider compiling a list of what it would take for you to put things back together with this person, but right now it is too soon to go there...right now you would likely welcome her back questions unasked. But after time has passed and the two of you have gone your separate paths, it is something to ponder. For me it was a real help because when Jim would have an emotional day and reminisce "us"...it helped me stay strong and do what was best for ME. I have learned to be strong and not give in to what I once might have.

Right now you are experiencing the whole range of emotions, understandably, and a little guidance to help you understand and channel your emotions might be coveted.

Feel free to continue coming back here, you're welcome to vent, sort things out, or give us updates, we'll be here.

[Jmiller]

Update for everyone. I arrived home yesterday after 2 weeks and found a package in my mail box. It was from her. she took the candy bars etcI sent and returned the money no letter no nothing. I walked in the door and she called. I answered asked her how she was and she said making it a day at a time. She seemed cold. she then said she did not love me anymore and that she does not have room in her life or in her heart for me and my son. She also said she was going to keep the dog and she was not going to return.. in shock is all i can say so I had to tell her I am sorry for all she is going through and i wish i could be there, but she has made it clear we are not needed so i said good bye. The most painful thing for me to ever do... stunned and beside my self at the moment.

[AnnC]

I am so sorry.

Is it possible she just can't face loving anyone again (right now) because she fears feeling the agony again if another loved one dies?

My heart just goes out to you.

[MartyT]

I am so, so sorry that this person has seen fit to treat you and your boy in such a cold and uncaring manner, and I can only imagine how crushed you must feel at this devastating news. I hope you can find a way to assure yourself that her decision has little if anything to do with you, or with anything you've done or failed to do. That assurance is even more important for your boy. For his sake, you must find a way to assure him that none of this is his fault, either. I hope you will encourage your son to talk with you about all of this. I hope you will let him see your sadness, along with whatever else you feel, as long as you explain that it is the situation that is making you sad, mad or whatever ~ and not anything that your boy has done. Doing this will convey to him not only that he is innocent of any wrongdoing, but also that such a reaction is normal and acceptable ~ which will give him permission to feel and express his reactions, too. This is yet another reason I think it's essential for you and your son to seek out some sort of professional counseling, because you're both at risk. I would expect that, justified or not, your sense of self and self-worth has been badly damaged by this entire situation, and you need and deserve the support of a someone outside your circle who can support you in your grief and help you work through all the thoughts and feelings and reactions you are having to this tragic loss. My heart reaches out to you, my friend. I am so sorry . . .

[mfh]

Dear Jmiller,

I am so very sorry that you are being called on to go through such a painful situation. I support what others have shared here with you. There are so many losses in this situation. Your son lost your fiance as well as his dog (even after she told him it is HIS dog and then changes that) and the stability of the life you had all created. He has no clue why all this happened to him. You have lost your fiance, the life you had, and your son's contentment and stability. I am just so sorry. I do agree with those who have suggested that you seek out counseling for yourself and possibly for your son. I can not say that too strongly. I also agree that creating a routine with him when he is there, assuring him as much as possible that her absence is not because of him in any way, and taking care of yourself are important. It is hard to remember at times like this that your fiance is in great pain with her losses...huge losses for a parent. She is unpredictable and it sounds like she needs to get some assistance also, of course.

With your son returning to his mother for a while, you will have an opportunity to sob your tears without concern for him. That will be good as tears are very healing. But do give serious consideration to face-to-face counseling.

Just fyi, I lost my husband about 2 years ago...I am no stranger to loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you attempt to deal with so many unknowns, grieve your loss and assist your son with his.

Wishing you a peaceful moment,

Mary

[kayc]

Jmiller,

I am so sorry. It is as I thought would probably happen but I so hoped wouldn't. Perhaps you can let your son pick out another dog, one that will be truly his and no one can take. I think that is one of the most callous things she has done. That she decided she couldn't do a relationship and walked out is one thing (although why do they always seem to choose to be cowardly about it?), but to take your son's dog is beyond excuse! You could try to take her to court for possession of it, but I don't know that you want to do that. Yes, as Marty said, it's essential that you let your son know it is not his fault...please know it is not yours either.

I know when Jim did this to me, I cried for months, unable to sleep much. I tried to keep busy (my house got very clean!) and make plans with family and friends, things to look forward to. Perhaps you could do this with your son...schedule a time to maybe go to the zoo, or visit a museum, see a movie together, go on a boat ride, anything the two of you can have to look forward to. Time does heal, even this, but in the moment, it is of little consolation. Because your son is so young, I would consider a counselor for him to talk to.

I got rid of all physical reminders of Jim immediately, packed up everything and dropped it off at his place the following morning. I did not give back person gifts because I didn't want him to think I was bitter or didn't appreciate what we had had together, but I did put them out of sight to aid my healing. I still have my wedding dress, shoes, etc. but have only looked at it once in the last two years. He called the other day, he'd been crying, wanted to come spend the weekend cuddling and watching movies...I told him I'd have to think about it. I'm not wanting my heart ripped open again and think it might be hard on me. It is me I need to consider now. He made his choices, he lives with them. My price was paid in the beginning. For now, I am happy and I am happy with my life, alone.

[Jmiller]

Mary,

i am so sorry and thank you. It has been rough to say the least. I have been searching for a new dog for my little guy. i got out of the house on Saturday and went to my cousins house for a birthday party i declined at first, but I have been declining all kinds of functions as we were to be doing them together. I went. I got home went to bed around midnight on Saturday bad dreams kept waking me up. I got up and felt like crude with a stomach ache from all the worrying and realized it was 230pm i stayed in bed and on the couch the whole day. this morning is the first time since Saturday evening i was up and now at work. mind races, no hunger and basically on and off with crying most of yesterday. My son comes home on Wednesday so I need to get my act together before he comes home and we need to be normal if you will and continue the scheduled stuff we did together. Be the way we were prior to her being in the picture, which we were pretty happy with. just was awesome having the complete package of all of us. one step at a time I have made an appointment for counseling on Tuesday to talk. This is the hardest thing i have ever done or had to deal with. I know I did nothing wrong and this is a grieving process for her and she will change and things will be different, I just thought we were stronger than this, but I never lost a child to know what the frame of mind and the process of her thinking is.

[kayc]

It sounds like you are doing all that you can. The healed feelings will follow. I encourage you to go ahead and go to planned functions as soon as you are able...the sooner you do, the sooner you will be okay with attending things on your own. I hope you find the puppy you and your son are looking for!

[hockeymom]

JMiller, I can't begin to imagine the heartache and how you grasp the situation at hand. You obviously loved her dearly and to treat you and your son in such a cruel manner is terrible. I think gtting a new dog is a great idea and fully support it being something tht you and your son do together. Glad that you are seeking counseling and I would hedge my bets that with time it will help. Sending hugs your way!

[kayc]

JMiller,

Keep us posted...maybe you can post a picture of your new dog when you find one? I'm glad you posted a picture of you and your son. He's a sweet little guy, the two of you will make it together.

Take extra good care of yourselves!

Kay

[cindycox]

JMILLER..I'm so sorry for what you are going through..I lost my dad in 1994 and sister in 1996 to cancer..My way if dealing with it was I pushed everyone out of my life..I put a wall up and nobody was going to get past that wall..I didn't want to ever feel that pain again..and if I didn't let anyone close to me I wouldn't..Well my husband (the wonderful man he was) was paying the price for their deaths..One evening he went away..I started to call his phone later in the evening and it went straight to voicemail which told me he turned it off..So I was very upset and I was sitting on the porch at 3:30 am..when a car pulled up and he got out and there was 3 girls in the car..Let alone he left our car at the bar..We got into it that night and he said something to me that snapped me out of my grief I guess..He said, "Cindy, I'm sorry they died, but I didn't cause their death." And that night I told my sister,( who I was really grieving she was my only sibling)I said Gail, I'm sorry but I can't lose my husband and I know you don't want that."And that is what it took for me..But now I just lost my husband that stuck by me, on sept.24, 2012 to cancer..So now I'm trying to deal with his death..It hurts..Bad..I guess the reason I told you this story is she could still be back..We do strange things when we are going through this process..Take care of yourself..

[kayc]

She could come back, but by then, he may not feel the same and may be in super protective mode because of his son.

All you can do is see what happens. My Jim broke up with me over two years ago and although we are friends, it is not the same as it was...I super doubt it ever will be. I still care about him very much, but sometimes even that is not enough. We have to be able to trust the person. Cindy, you snapped out of it and did what you could to preserve your marriage...but JMiller wasn't married to his girl, and I wasn't married to Jim...there seems to be a difference. I hear of fiances breaking up over grief, but I don't hear of marriages breaking up over it. I guess that piece of paper seems to mean something commitment-wise.