Lots Of Distractions

[HoneyImHome11]

Husband, melanoma - May 27th, 2011

Mother, lung cancer - May 19th, 2011

OK... I'm not generally a whiner. I'm a first born, stubborn... getter done pick up your boots kind of girl. I came on this site not long after my husband died and some of you might remember me others will not. I am back just to show you my grief is the same kind of grief they warn you about... it can slam you up and down, side to side, it can choke you at times. Placing grief in a box does not mean that I dealt with it or moved through it. It just meant that I could get on with my life without suffocating. (Sort of)

It's been a year and half since this war started in my life. This war of surrender, of finding myself again. It's not over either. Look at me... I'm here again talking to a screen hoping one of you out there will make some kind of sense out of all this. So here I go...

I sold my house... am trying to buy another one. It was a good decision for me and I still believe this. I could not spend another night with ghosts. Everywhere the memories, the sensation of living with someone that was no longer there in this world with me. That house represented everything we worked together for. So... I'm starting over for me. The hard part is finding out just who I am and finding a house that fits me. It's hard. And the whole house buying experience sucks! Making decisions on my own, really?

I'm homesick... I've been out 3 weeks and it has hit me HARD. I miss my house, I miss my view (river and sunsets), I miss my husband, still.

I just recently became a grandmother for the first time... A beautiful, healthy grand daughter, Zoey. The most profound love I have ever experienced. Watching my daughter give birth and being in the presence of that much energy was a miracle and a healing gift that I am still trying to take it all in. How can I ever look back at what happen in my life and at the same time looking at this screaming 7 lb. 11 oz. package of unconditional love and see regret? Tell me...

Finding male companionship/friendship... what a bag of tricks this is. I have learned so much about myself and other people that I think all I will say is that it was/is necessary for me to experience this. I have to learn who I am again, what I need, what I love, what is important again. In many years of marriage I was used to bending/compromising that I think I lost power in myself. I now have discovered that I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be walked on.

Breathe...

Life is pushing me forward. I am making decisions to live life to best I know how, mistakes and all. I do miss my old life but that will never be again. I finally have that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel I have been searching for and her name is "Zoey".

Thank you for listening,

Deb

[Linda Ann]

Deb,

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I lost my husband of 32 years to brain cancer on April 17th of this year. I had to leave my house as well, because it hurt too much to live with all the memories and besides it was just too much to keep up with. I do miss it though. I had a huge back yard with lots of trees and a swing on the back patio that I liked to sit in. For the time being, I am living with my son and daughter-in-law in an apartment with a tiny little patio and a view of the back side of a housing development. But, like you, I have a granddaughter that lights up my life. She is almost two years old and she brings me immeasurable joy. Hoping we both find our way through this tormenting journey.

Linda

[mfh]

Dear Deb,

I do remember you and the losses you experienced so close together. It sounds as if you are doing what most of us are doing i.e. figuring out the new you and your new life. Also looking for a house.

I am not sure if what I am doing applies but it has been 2 1/2 years since Bill's death and my grief goes on. It has gotten easier with the exception of those times when a now rare long lived (couple of weeks) tsunami rolls in and pulls me under. Those tougher times are now more rare though the pain is always there as is sadness. I am getting ok with that...i.e. accepting it as part of the process.

The sentence in your post that stood out for me was "I'm homesick... I've been out 3 weeks and it has hit me HARD. I miss my house, I miss my view (river and sunsets), I miss my husband, still." and the word in there that stood out was "still". I want to say that of course you "still" miss him, your house, your river and more. You have many losses, now including your nest, and that pain just not just disappear. I miss Bill even more now than I did early on...and you are not quite 18 months out from those losses that changed you and your life forever. Frankly, when I was in year two, it was harder than year one. I guess I want to say that it is not only ok to just be where you are...including missing your husband but needed in order to work through all this. Anyway, what I am doing is continuing to set time aside each day, more now since I sold my publication, to read about transition. (I found William Bridges books on Transitions, among others, helpful but Marty has many listed great books on her site: www.griefhealing.com). I also journal, paint, meditate, walk...I don't really focus a ton on who am I and where am I going. It is more about listening to my voice and going with whatever I hear. I am also trying to figure out where to go from here...it is a long journey. I wonder if you journaled daily if that would not assist you some. Also a support group for those in grief might be worth considering. It IS ok to be where you are. I have worked hard to really be patient with my journey. Society's message is move on...but first we must be where we are.

I wish I had a magic wand for both of us but alas, I do not. Keep posting so we can all support you on this leg of your journey. Good to see you back.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Deb, of course I remember you. You are brave and being true to yourself to try and find the place that suits you, good luck with it, when you find it, you will know. As for me, I still like being where I am. The only ghosts I have are of raising a family here and so many memories, all of which are times past. But now, it is still my home, still me, still the place I like to be.

I think of two years out and even three as "still fresh"...what I felt back then is greatly diminished, it is finally bearable. I have had to get used to living with "me", not needing another person to complete me but realize I am complete as I am. I rarely get lonely anymore. I guess I am used to it. Sometimes when things are really tough I feel major rebellion that life has dealt me thus, but for the most part, I'm okay.

I can relate to your posting about "distractions", I think in the early years that is what I did, anything to not have to think so deeply...but it's always there waiting, isn't it!

[HoneyImHome11]

Thank you for responding... as always it's during a time I need it most. The offer trod the house has been accepted, if all goes well I will be in by Christmas and settled. This is my "Grandma House"... a home I visualize for my granddaughter to come visit me - short or long. This is a home I can use for my interests - arts & crafts. I turn 60 in Jan. - it will be my time, my hobbies that take the forefront this time. I have decided in this last part of my life will be all about me. Life is too short... lesson learned. Writing does help... I keep a blog.

redesign08.blogspot.com

a release of emotions - a record for family.

I learn every day what I don't want in my life and this shows me what I do need in my new life.

Thanks again.

Deb

[dave s]

Deb I appreicate your thoughts, as I to, at 1 yr and a half, have bought a new home, and have recently moved to it. The last 4 days which are the first 4 days of living in it, have been, for me, so miserable. So many emotions, aggravated by exhaustion, aggravated by my dogs getting loose ( have to say the dog catcher has been really nice so far!), Have left me questioning my ability to make good decisions, and have spent too much of the last 4 days, missing my old life, yes I also am homesick, and scared of the new life....

One of the greatest things in my life I have missed since Mikes death has been passion for anything in life, it has felt that I was only existing....it is my hope that new surroundings for me will allow that to grow in me again, and will allow me to work on my new relationship, which has been all about me, and my pain, so far......hopefully a healthier balance is waiting for me here!

Thanks for your post and I really do enjoy your blog, well done! Dave

[HoneyImHome11]

Thanks Dave for sharing...

- whether each of us decides to stay or leave our homes where we shared our lives with our loved ones whom we lost in my opinion it does not matter. What matters most is the forward motion. It matters that we decided to live life again.

I am staying with a friend temporarily until my house closes... he was hoping to move in with me - not happening. I am learning what I don't need in my life. Time wasters - I have enough do work through I've decided. Everyone deserves a healthy friend (mental & physical) - I want to get there again.

Be patient - your house found you for a reason...

Deb

[nats]

Dave,

I had the same reaction when I moved a year and 7 months ago, I was happy yet unhappy, I found what bothered me most was the new home had no memories of Ruth and that bothered me, I was also angry her children did not honor her wishes to sign off on there interest so I could be the soul owner of our home as she passed with no will. I have done as she wished on my part as I sent the jewelry she wanted them to have to them last month and that makes me feel complete and it indeed makes her happy, but as I look at the whole picture they did me a favor as the home was in need of repairs and a mobile home which grows not equity, I am now in the dream home she always wanted as we had talked about moving before she got sick. Things always seem the darkest before the light but somehow we all find our way, I'm happy now as my new relationship is growing and my new home is a neutral place where Brenda and I are growing our momories, she is cleaning out her spouses workshop and preparing to move as well, we have talked about living together but we are still moving slow.

Keep the path ahead moving forward and your mind open as all will fall into place as time goes by.

Peace Be With You

NATS

[kayc]

Deb,

We are the same age then, for I just had my 60th birthday. I too have made my house about me. My family room is turned into my craft room...the abundance of supplies and equipment I have for making cards has taken over. Since most people enter my home via the back door...that is the room they see first. Many have commented that I should relegate it to a back bedroom. But I don't want to be hidden away in the back of my house where the heat doesn't reach so well and the lighting isn't as good. To me my crafts are about living and it is best done in the center of my home...it is after all, my home. I don't entertain like I did when I had a family, so there are rarely visitors anyway. I love looking out of my patio door and seeing the hummingbirds or deer when I am making my cards. Make your home about YOU and enjoy it, enjoy your granddaughter when she comes to visit you in it! I am so happy that your offer was accepted!

[HoneyImHome11]

Thanks Kayc... once again other people think they know better what's best for us? I also try not to listen too closely to those close to me. It's not that I don't care for these people but I think their own perspective colors what they would do in my place which is not the same thing.

I bought a small rug yesterday for one of the small bedrooms in my future home... it will be a guest/ baby's room just for Zoey, my new grandchild. I won't care how often she comes (but I hope it's often cause I will nag my daughter)... but I plan on making it her second home. I also will bring out all my arts and crafts that got buried because of home projects with my husband no fault of his. I'm hoping this space will fulfill the artist in me this time.

Good for us...

Peace,

Deb