Transformations On This Path

[enna]

Oh my dear Fae, I know all about 'salty' faces and buttery chardonnary (my personal favorite) and fresh Alaska salmon. Sounds like a dinner I've had many times with my Jim.

You are in my thoughts and I know you will travel safely. We go with you on this journey. You are so brave.

I am doing well. I love our forum. They have helped me in my travels through this painful grief. Looking to hear from you tomorrow or the next. Anne.

[kayc]

fae,

Sounds wonderful! And although I'm allergic to the salmon, I'd gladly partake of the chardonnay, it all sounds wonderful. I just bought some basmati rice, thought I'd try my hand at it. We would never tell you to buck up or get over it. You're brave for going there.

[feralfae]

Short Report:

Whitehorse. The Yukon is open and flowing, beautiful clouds.

Critter report: 3 caribou, two bighorn sheep, one wolverine, one porcupine, about 50 Woodlands bison, many deer, two elk, three black bears, and one lynx. A good day for wildlife. Oh, and two moose. Thing are just greening up around here: the leaves are barely unfolding on the trees. There is some green grass. Just outside of Whitehorse, there was a herd of wild horses on the highway.

I stopped in the Tlingit community of Teslin to look up a friend, but he is out on the coast, with the other tribal leaders, gathering medicines. This tribe was relocated by the government from their coastal land to make way for a revenue-generating (tax revenue) white owned development. They have lost their native lands and fishing streams, and worst of all, their coastal areas where they gather herbs and berries. I do some advocacy work with them sometimes. And, worst yet, the government sells fishing rights on Teslin River and Lake to white people, who fish commercially, leaving scant fish for the First Nation people. But, they are banning together with other First Nations peoples to reclaim their fishing rights. This is a people whose medicines, food, some clothing, and religion are all tied to fish, seaweeds, and other water-living gifts of the Earth.

Teslin Lake is still mostly ice, but Teslin River is open. Still lots of snow in the shade in the forests up here.

My usual hotel has a huge convention of museum curators, and had more than thrtry-five extra guests show up, so I am in a very interesting but clean hotel room a block away, and at least I have a room. The town is full of visitors, museum curators, and a native art expo this week. First time I have not been able to get a room at my favorite hotel. It is fine. I thought of driving on to Delta Junction, but decided it was better to stop for the night and get a good night of rest, then maybe push on the Fairbanks tomorrow.

I go now to find some food.

Much love to all, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

Your journey sounds fabulous! Oh to see all that wild life!

I'm sorry about the natives that are losing fish to the greed of the white man...I hope the gov't gives it back to them, it just seems wrong, this was their culture and way of life!

[feralfae]

Fairbanks.

It is raining here in the birch forest of the round house, which soars above my head for two stories, with tall, tall windows flooding the entire space with light. I am not staying at our home here, for it feels dark and sad, so I am with one of my spirit sisters, who lives here in her temple of a house, and surrounds me with her loving kindness, compassion, and caring.

Today, we are having a spa day, and tomorrow, we will begin to sort and move things from the house to other places, or decide to leave things there if they are club-related.

I now go to get ready to go have my hair done and a facial -- incredible luxury reward for my long drive. More soon.

I send each and all of you much love and blessings,

Thank you for this tribe.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, so glad you arrived safely and that you are staying in a warm, light filled house with your spirit sister. And a spa to boot. Good for you.

Mary

[kayc]

fae, you have a way of making everything seem magical, it is just your way. So glad you arrived safely and hope you enjoyed your facial. It is sunshine and flowers here for the next week at least!

[MartyT]

So good to know that you are safe and sound, dear Fae. ♥

[feralfae]

Hello Dear Friends of our Tribe,

I am taking today to rest, regroup, relax, meditate, and be alone for part of the day.

I will return on Monday or Tuesday.

Much Love to everyone and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

So glad you are resting and taking care of yourself. Mary

[kayc]

Keep safe, I hope you continue to enjoy your visit.

[feralfae]

Thank you dear Kay,

I enjoyed the trip and visits up here, but today, I basically just hid out at my dear friend's home, not going anywhere, napping and snacking, and letting the memories wash over me, including memories of our visits to this house.

There is a lot to do here, but I have decided to pace myself and not get overwhelmed if I can help it. I am taking a break from being at the house, as my time there is simply so intense that as I sort things, I begin shaking and having little heart flutters. I am going to only allocate a couple of hours each day to cleaning out our bedroom and bath suite, because that room just sends me into almost instant tears.

The trustee has left stacks of papers in the room which I must go through, and I have not done more than glance at the stacks yet: I will read them later, and go through them later, and talk with him later as well.

Right now, I can tell I need a couple of days of peace and being away from our home up here. I was just getting used to Doug not being in our place in Montana, and to come up here and walk into our home here has been a lot more of an impact than I had imagined: it is all still fresh and raw up here, without the intervening layers of life to soften the impact of his clothes in the closets, his boots next to his dresser, his papers on top of his bureau. His pillows are still on the bed here. My last memories of being here with Doug were when he had the final emergency surgery, and as soon as he was well enough to fly, we went back to Montana which was our primary home the last several years of chemo, surgeries, etc.

So now, I must face again such things as taking his towel off the towel rod in the bathroom, clearing his things from the medicine cabinet, opening drawers on this dresser, sorting through all of his special pottery mugs for his teas, and even sorting through his big container of pens and pencils. I had not thought it would bring all these tears to do this after more than a year, but I also have not been up here for a year, what with my emergency surgery and all the therapy and the health concerns.

There are so many decisions to make that I am feeling pretty overwhelmed, so I decided the best thing to do is take a couple of days off and just stay away from the house until I can go there with less sense of being over my head and certainly over my heart with all the decisions and paperwork there.

I hope this does not sound like a whine. I am just tired, probably overtired, and need to step back and have some of Anne's "turtle time" for myself for a couple of days.

We are going to fix stir-fried veggies and rice for dinner now. You take care and enjoy the days, and sorry to be such a whiner.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, you are facing this loss twice in a sense...to have to start over again and deal with a second house, pillow, toothbrush, and so much more in addition to all the paperwork...is truly so overwhelming. You are NOT whining, my friend, you are sharing what you are facing, feeling and having to deal with. I just took a good amount of Bill's clothing to Goodwill after 3 years and I wept. You are going through Doug's things for the second time in this house and I can't imagine all the feelings that are surfacing, each one reminding you of the first house..,

I am so glad that you are moving slowly. There is no hurry and to take time off is so wise. A couple hours of intense and deep pain and grief and tears is more than enough. YOu have been through so much including your own health issues, thefts, to say nothing of losing Doug. Do cointinue to move slowly...ever so slowly and stick close to those who get it.

Peace

Mary

[enna]

Oh my dear fae - I am in spirit with you as you bravely face yet another step in this grief journey of yours. Remember what we have been talking about over the past months - we are a 'tribe' as you have called us and together we will face what has to be done. We never 'whine' on this forum. We share our grief, joys, and whatever is in our hearts. We are strong and I think we get that strength from all those around us. I am glad that you are going slow. Lean into those feelings though and let them take you where they will. Stir fried veggies sound good right about now. Love you, Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Mary and Anne,

Thank you both for affirming my "reverting" to what feels the same as only a few months after Doug left. I was feeling stronger and more able to cope with life, but being up here seems to have thrown me back into those earlier times. And, yes, facing the book cases in the living room from which things were robbed, the bare walls in the dining room from which art was stolen, the tools missing from his garage workshop, not to mention the bare shelves and pilfered drawers in our room has been overwhelming. Even as I was sorting, I could feel the old anger and sense of betrayal welling up within me.

I had a very good night's sleep, and it is 8:30 am here, and I have an open day so far. I am going to try to keep it that way, go for a walk, and just listen to my heart.

Who knew things could be so complicated in this life? We will all get through. I am trying to keep it in perspective, that in a year or two it will matter less.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

I'm sorry to hear you're having to relive going through his belongings once again, once is indeed enough. I liken it to my having to clean out George's trailer (he stayed in it during the work week as he worked so far away), as well as the house. I never did get around to doing our camping trailer, I mostly try to ignore it's existence, it's just too hard for me to go out there. We made it ours and decorated it and had such wonderful times in it...well, you know what I mean. I plan for my son and his wife to take it once they have a place for it.

Gosh, this is just not a journey for the faint hearted, is it?

Do you have someone who can help you with this process?

[Wifflesnook]

Kay I went to sit in our beloved summer house which is in our garden, today. We loved it and spent ages there, reading, drinking wine, talking, watching moths fly into the moth trap. And I want to use it but it makes me so sad. It seems to emphasise my loneliness. I think I will keep trying because it is such a lovely place but oh how hard!

[enna]

I am grateful for each of you. Each of us will move through our journeys in our own way and when the time is right we will do some of the things we want to but can't right now.

[feralfae]

Dear, Much-loved tribe,

Yes, I have someone here to help me go through this process. I will be meeting with some of the Club chaps tomorrow evening. We are scheduled to open the safe tomorrow evening. I am the one with the combination.

There is a lot to let go of here in Fairbanks, but at least I have many loving friends who lift me up and help me and love me.

Now I must go talk with SSK before she goes to bicycle and perhaps I go to take a nap. We went out for dairy free, gluten free Thai dinner. Now we are back at SSK's temple in the birch forest.

Lots of lovely energy here.

Love and More Love to you all,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[ShanN]

Fae,

All I have to offer are (((((hugs)))))

And love...

[feralfae]

Dear, darling Shannon,

I send you so much love.

As soon as I have more to send, I will do so.

I know that Hugs are a lot for you to share at this time of abyssal depths of emptiness for your heart.

My dear Shannon, I hold you close in my heart, and wish you peace and healing, dear one.

{{{HUGS}}} and of course, many, many fairy dustings of

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Shannon,

Thank you for coming here and in the thick of your own grief, caring about us. You will see in the time to come that we really do look out for each other and help one another through this journey.

Jan,

Hearing about your spot where you sat and read, drank wine, and watched moths reminds me of our beloved patio deck where it overlooks our property, with forest in the background...we'd sit on our porch swing and watch the hummingbirds come feed from our flower-bedecked patio! Yes, for years it was hard for me to spend time out there, but now I am making my way back. I discovered Miss Mocha has claimed the porch swing (my cat) so she'll have to move over now.

[feralfae]

Hello Tribe,

I write this looking out at a world turning more green every day.

Yesterday, I went to begin to sort the files and boxes of correspondence and papers Doug had stored up here. He was on the board of the International Wildlife Federation, NRA, Vietnam helicopter pilot's Assn., climbing boards, his charitable work, and more. I am sorting out the climbing club things from NRA, etc., and began to slowly go through the boxes which have been stored in our locked room against theft and pilfering. The caretaker/housesitter is not very effective. I have became so fearful of the ruffians that first I locked the door to our suite, then I went to my closet and brought out my claymore, which was Doug's, and took it from its sheath, checked the blade, and placed it near at hand. I got a lot of sorting done yesterday, closed up the room, and made it back to where I am staying, went out for a lovely Thai dinner, came back, and then broke down and cried for hours.

Apparently, I have a bit PTSD from this adventure, and I look around at every coffee shop, restaurant, and grocery store for enemies to defend against, since the ruffians have spent time up here, maligning me to many people. Fortunately, they have not been able to persuade the trustees or many friends against me. But it is a terrible feeling to be that afraid in one's own home. I had never encountered this level of evil before Doug's illness and leaving, and it has come as quite a shock to me to encounter it. I have apparently led a very sheltered life. Women's colleges and private universities do not prepare one for ruffians.

What was interesting yesterday was reading some of Doug's old correspondence from the years after his return from Viet Nam, being able to discern his PTSD in his letters. watching the play of emotional defenses and hyper-vigilance, of his sensitivity to noises, to arguments, and how he tried to deal with his keen sense of being at war even years after he was actually safe at home.

All of the day combined, from fearing the arrival in town of the ruffians, to returning to my friend's home to be visited by a woman who was hoping I could sympathize with her about her divorce of three years ago, left me very unable to defend myself, and as she began to try to engage me in sympathy for her tragic divorce, I simply had to run and hide and fall apart, shaking deeply and unable to stop shaking. I had nothing to give her.

I knew this would be difficult, but I had no idea how much this would feel as bad, or worse than, the tasks of going through things at home. I suppose it is because there is more fear of the ruffians up here than in Montana, and that the ruffians have a few friends here who have been active in the pilfering right along with them.

It still is hard to walk into the house and see all the things missing. It is hard to be here and not be sure who has been infected with the evil, and what they have heard, and not knowing how people will respond to me. As if widows did not have enough to face, there are the rumors begun by the ruffians. So, I am taking the day off for a pedicure, going out to lunch, and then going to hibernate here at SSK's house, and sip tea and stay away from the house until I am stronger and ready to face it all.

I am incredibly blessed to have friends here to watch and take care of me, and who have witnessed this time, and who are standing with me through this. Our primary trustee has been kind and loving, but he is not as well as many of us would like, and has already gone through a great deal with the ruffians prior to refusing to have any further contact with them. One of the board presidents has also been wonderfully kind, although he still must deal with the ruffians occasionally because of some participation.

I am just nattering here, and will no doubt have the good sense to delete this post later. This early morning, I am still shaken, my eyes are very puffy, and I don't have any emotional reserves left. I am going to take the day to soften my grief, let others care for me, pamper myself, and have a nice salad for lunch.

What a time! I know I will get through this, but I had no idea I would be so affected with fear up here. I will take further steps today to take care of myself.

I will be stronger for this in future days. It is just going to take some time. Right now, I will just take care of myself and heal and have some turtle time.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

No words today, my dear friend fae - but sometimes that says more than mere words. I am glad that you are taking time for yourself. That will get us through. The 'tribe' is with you. Anne

[MartyT]

Yes, Fae, as Anne says, we are here for you ~ and we are listening ♥