Transformations On This Path

[mfh]

Anne, I read your post and could feel my own heart racing on your behalf (and mine). So terrifying especially with traffic in the area. I can only imagine the thoughts that flew through your mind and heart as you were on the chase. I am so so glad he is home and safe. He must be Houdini....in disguise. I am sorry this happened today but glad he is home safely.

Mary

[feralfae]

Oh, Anne, what a fright you have had! Benji is, as Mary pointed out, an accomplished escape artist, the character.

And Jan, you and Kelbi had quite the evening.

Anne, I loved the film. I have a boxed set of Thin Man films (our local theatre is the Myrna Loy, in our old county jail, actually. It is quite nice.)

nattering . . .

Okay, I had a long visit with the doc today, and he does not think it is cancer (more tests will tell us more maybe next week about a variety of options). I think the weakness is due to the lack of food and all the procedures both times in the hospital, plus being sleep-deprived and all. So I am on bed rest for another week until the other tests come back. No new news. I am calling that a good ting.

So, another round of antibiotics just in case, and I can tell they are working. Also on another round of probiotics to keep the beneficial flora flourishing in my intestines. I see the doc again in two weeks. Meanwhile, I am supposed to rest and stay relaxed, which the nutmeg does. But I did not have to have another imaging series, which he thought I would need. My vitals are all good and my abdomen is soft and relaxed, and the only discomfort is probably just the inflammation and healing that is going on.

I am feeling a lot better since the visit, and part of that is due to the reassurances of the doctor. He thinks I will get better soon, and just need to finish healing. Not being in the office nor talking to anyone in the office today helped a lot as well. I am not going back to the office until next week.

Personally, I think this intestinal puzzle may be my body figuring out a way to keep me out of stress overload during this holiday season. I have a perfect reason to do very little, stay home, lower my performance expectations for myself, not travel, and not really even cook much at all. I think my combined body/heart intelligence just figured out a way to avoid a lot of stressful social events and much of appearing in public.

I know I am missing a lot of champagne. But I am comforted by wonderfully happy memories of Doug's love and some of the beautiful gifts he gave me. I wore a pin Doug designed, made, and gave to me one Christmas on the visit with the doc today.

If I had more awareness of my own state, and more understanding of emotional recovery from grief and physical recovery from nerve damage, I would probably have handled my health and recovery better. After the doc explained some things to me today, I have a better sense of how to arrange my life to be able to cope better with things. But a lot of what he said echoed what I read here: being gentle, lowering expectations, having a lot of self-compassion, allow for the necessary solitude and reflection, meditate, sleep more, take naps, recognize that grief is a voracious energy-eater and this time of year is hard on everyone, just harder with grieving added to the other stressors.

But I can have ice cream, so I stopped at the health food store and got some organic coconut ice cream that is gluten and dairy free and delicious dark chocolate!

I have cards to send to some of you, but it may be January.

I am reassured and optimistic. I am also resting, and writing this to you from a position of repose, with my laptop on my tummy and a warm blanket across my feet.

I hope you are each having a warm and peaceful evening, or the delightful evening of your choice. I have turned, or am turning,some sort of corner, and I can feel the shift as I accept the possibility that my life might be a really good one again some day. I have deep and painful loneliness, but this time alone is also forcing me to go within myself and winkle out some of the old tapes and new tapes that debilitate me with the fear and worry they engender.

Looks like I will be hibernating and meditating a lot for the next 30-60 days or so, until I recover from so many health upsets. So you will all have to put up with more nattering.

Much Love, Blessings, very Happy Holiday Wishes, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae said: "

Looks like I will be hibernating and meditating a lot for the next 30-60 days or so, until I recover from so many health upsets."

and I said...."and that, my friend, is music to my ears.....good for you, fae.

Have a good night's sleep,"

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you.

fae

[mfh]

You are quite welcome. Mary

[enna]

I have a very good doggy harness and collar and leash for Benji and supposedly they fit properly around his little body! I wonder if they make iron body suits for dogs! Today when he “escaped” there were two or three people around helping me. We have the patrol here also and all we have to do is call the gate and give them the name of your dog and they drive around. That is not a comfort to me when he is out of my sight!

Thank you for all your comforting thoughts. I can still feel my heart racing.

Oh Fae, I’m glad you liked the movie. I love Gracie Allen.

I watched a few horse movies just because I felt like being close to horses Today.

Black Beauty is one of my favorites. I watch the movie in the dark and I love the opening when the birth is taking place and the dialogue coming from the horse. It is NOT as good as the book but when you are resting it is a good distraction. I have yet to watch a movie that was better than the book.

I hope you continue to get answers as to what is going on with your body. It is good that you will have to slow down but that does not explain things about the pain and the inability to eat regular foods after so long.

You are managing quite well. I do wish someone could be there with you.

Ice cream – I had a dish of slow churn chocolate (what I'm aloud) tonight just to celebrate your somewhat good news! As if I needed anything to be happening to draw me to chocolate. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, Benji should not be able to slip out of his equipment. It feels like something is wrong...maybe they need to be refit or try something else. I know you would be devastated if something happened to him. I would be if something happened to Bentley before his time (and I will be when it is his time). When I purchased the gentle leader for Bentley they fit it on him for me. I got it because he pulled me off my feet a few years ago trying to get to my friend's llamas...never before and never since...a fluke but I was flat on my face. This is his second escape isn't it? He is so smart!! I hope your heart slows down tonight and that tomorrow is peace-filled. Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Anne it's morning here and I woke up from a horrible dream that kelbi escaped and ran away and ended up on a train alone! and then off the train and onto the track. And then I caught her and her retractable lead was all wrapped around her head and body but she was ok. I wonder why I dreamed that?

Fae your doctor sounds good and his diagnosis so far sounds reassuring. I bet if Marty went through the archives and extracted all our illnesses subsequent to our loved ones deaths it would be a long list. I know my ibs is related. And the advice is always the same. We need to take care of ourselves, to rest, to nurture our damaged selves. I know this advice is not always possible. People are widowed at a young age with families and have to struggle on. I myself experienced (and still do) a variety of this with Pete dying the day after our daughter as a single mother had her second daughter and so I was plunged into activity helping her very very often. It took its toll. It still is doing as she still needs help of course. But I am trying not to throw myself Into too much activity when I'm at home. I know I do this. I'm doing a course about Richard II on line and I'm way behind. I've got to write an article about the floods for the observatory journal etc etc. but I also need to sit quietly, read a book, walk Kelbi, meditate, snuggle under the duvet. And remember happy times. Fae please look after yourself. It sounds as though you are doing that mostly, but it's also very clear that it goes against the grain of your personality but nevertheless as you are a very clever and self aware person you will know you have to do this.

[Queeniemary]

Anne, I have had a fright or two when either Sassy or Faith would get out the front door, and head down the drive. My heart goes out to you over the scare. Once, I was cleaning in the back of the house, after having been outside. I had accidentally not shut the door all the way when I came back in and apparently the wind blew it open enough for Sassy to go out the front where there is no fenced yard. When I came back to the front of the house, probably 15 minutes later, I saw the door. Faith was out back, where there is a fence, but Sassy should have been in house. She was not. I ran out the door, and started calling her. It took a few minutes, but suddenly here she came running across the property (slightly wooded) to the side of my house, she had been visiting the neighbor's house across the way. I am just surprised she came when I called! Occasionally Faith has slipped off her collar when I have her on leash....usually here at home, but once at the vets, near a busy highway....terror!!!

Fae, so glad your doctor seems to understand, and that you are going to be resting and taking care of yourself. Just continue to heal, and rest. Hibernating sounds pretty good right now, sounds like something that would benefit me also...just feeling tired, have done a lot lately, including the eye surgery, and probably not rested enough. Take care dear Fae.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

HRH QMary,

I think sometimes we need to just schedule these times of rest. I awoke this morning and my mind started running ahead of me, so I had to lie back, take some deep breaths, relax, and remind myself that when I am feeling stress, my body is paying for it.

I have actually written my days of rest and relaxation in my agenda so that I will know when I look at it each day what my "duties" are for the day: rest and relax. For me, it is not enough to rest, because I think I can rest and work on a paper, or do research, or direct things from bed or the sofa: I must also relax and not engage in "doing" which is the hard part for me.

I go now to relax and watch another file.

For anyone who has Amazon Prime, I imagine you know about all the free movies we have there as well.

HRH Qmary, I hope you can schedule a few days of rest and relaxation for yourself.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and Peace to you

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Ah, and the cabinet maker called, or his wife, actually.

His mother had surgery yesterday for lung cancer, and is not doing well, so they are spending a lot of time at the hospital. MY kitchen remodel is therefore postponed indefinitely, maybe until January.

Right on time to release me from one loop of activity and oversight. I know I am being protected and that things are being arranged so that I have time and energy to heal. This entire kitchen remodel has been very tiring already, and so now the plumbers, electricians and carpenters will need to wait until the cabinet man is back in his shop. I do not mind at all. I can rest and relax more.

It feels entirely strange not to be pushing to keep up with a schedule.

Namaste,

fae

[kayc]

fae,

so glad to hear you do NOT have cancer! Maybe going back to the office next week even is pushing it...take it day by day, and keep resting.

Anne,

So glad you got Benji back, I know what a scare that must have been! We live on a quiet dead end street in the country and Arlie has never left it when he's gotten loose, even then it scares me...

[feralfae]

Kay,

Well, we don't know yet. We know one set of tests was clear. My surgeon truly feels I do not have cancer. I really don't htink I have either, but we must wait for a couple of tests that went away to some other place. Yes, I may not go back to the office next week, or only for one day. It is supposed to close at the end of the year. I think a couple things will be moved here to home and then sent to others later, but the plan is still to be out of the space by 31 December.

Kay, how are you doing? Your cookies are beautiful! No wonder it took hours, with your precise artistic application of each decorative dot! Wow! Those are really works of art. Did you work in a bakery or is it your natural artistic/creative talent? Really happy to see all the cookies!

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

My epiphany for the day is that I have figured out what I am supposed to be doing:

My job is to rest and heal.

Simple.

I made a delicious roast chicken today, and roasted onions and a potato with it, then pureed the veggies with the au jus to make a gravy for the chicken slices. Delicious dinner!

I hope you are each enjoying some of each day. I went outside today, crunching through the frozen grasses where the sun was turning the night's ice crystals into diamonds. I walked through a forest and field of diamonds today. Very lovely. As I walked through the forest, which is filled with memories of Doug, I realized that it was time to reach out to some of Doug's friends in Alaska who were confused by the others. So, I made a small email gesture of peace and reconciliation to them today. We will see how the experiment works.

Since I have a long day of healing and resting again tomorrow, I guess I'd better go finish cleaning the kitchen and put away some things. It has been a very restful and healing day.

Let us each give ourselves the gift of resting and healing, each as we feel we need to do so, at least until the New Year. I know this is a stressful time for us all, so thank goodness for this fire where we can gather and help each other through these days.

Namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Fae

As I said in another post it's the middle of the night here and I'm awake and restless. I've tried several things to get myself back to sleep and gave up and visited the forum. How strange to think of you crunching through the frozen grasses. Here we've had howling wind and rain but it's quite warm, we've only had frost a few nights and mostly it's about 50 F in the day or higher. I must try to sleep. I expect you all, like me, sleep much less after losing your beloved partners. Pete used to envy my ability to sleep. I lost it when he died.

[enna]

Yummmm, Kay.

Yes, Mary, I'm very concerned about Benji's ability to twist, jump and bend his head down to free himself from his harness. I had it fitted so i think I'll look into yet another one - this is his second one! He has learned to sit and stay in certain situations but when he was out in the open air and running and sniffing he was not hearing me! When I did have his attention and called him he did come to me. I think he is more Poodle than Shipperke because he just seems so smart - but I think we all think that our dogs are the smartest.

Queeniemary, you have little escape artists, also! My heart is still racing. This was Benji's fifth charge for freedom! Twice out the front door - once because a friend opened the door before I secured Benji but he knew his house and came running back in through the garage. The times at the circle are the ones that really scare me. Oh well, a mother's worry! My hair is a little greyer now. I like it - I don't color.

Fae, I am so glad that you are resting and being gentle with yourself. Waiting is hard. I'm glad that the kitchen is on hold until after the new year. Movies are fun this time of year. I saw Charlie Brown's Christmas tonight - it's a yearly thing for me. Holding you close to my heart.

Hi Jan, oh those sleepless nights!! I don't fight them anymore. I usually do my pencil art or see what's new on the forum - that always gives me peace.

Anne

[feralfae]

Oh, dear Jan,

I am having those shifting sleep patters as well, and waking up often at night. I think it is the season, all the energy around the holidays, and of course the shifting of energy around the Solstice as well. We had very howling winds last night, bringing in colder temperatures and snow. It is 4F here right now, and a chill breeze is stirring. But with the waning moon up, and shining brightly in the cold clear air, there are still ice diamonds amongst the grasses outside the doors.

I hope you can return to better sleep patterns. I have had to give up chocolate at night, including cocoa or hot chocolate, because I respond to caffeine, even in small amounts these days. I am reading dusty archaeology to go to sleep. Artifacts of Inner Mongolia, right now, which is beautifully illustrated, but not terribly exciting. I am learning a lot, but it puts me to sleep after 15 minutes of so. Do you have any truly boring books around?

If you can find Belleruth Naperstek's meditations for sleeping, I recommend them. She has a soothing and reassuring voice, and I think you can find some of the meditations free on her web site. Here is a link to a page with sleep meditations: http://www.healthjourneys.com/MainCategory.aspx?mcid=4 They have free downloads there as well, I think.

Yes, Jan, I still roll over some times and reach out for Doug's hand, and then wake up crying because my hand is so painfully, completely empty. It's a lot less frequent than it used to be, but it still happens. I never knew how much it meant to be able just to hold his hand those last days, and feel him squeeze harder. We are so blessed to have these beautiful memories. Gifts for our hearts.

I hope you are sleeping peacefully and having delightful dreams, maybe flowers in a sun-lit meadow.

Blessings and Peace to you dear Jan,

Namaste

fae

[mfh]

Yes, Mary, I'm very concerned about Benji's ability to twist, jump and bend his head down to free himself from his harness. I had it fitted so i think I'll look into yet another one - this is his second one! He has learned to sit and stay in certain situations but when he was out in the open air and running and sniffing he was not hearing me! When I did have his attention and called him he did come to me. I think he is more Poodle than Shipperke because he just seems so smart - but I think we all think that our dogs are the smartest.

Anne, take a look at the Gentle Leader. They don't look great but you could get it in black and you can NOT use a retractable leash with it...dangerous...but I doubt he can get out of it IF it is installed properly. This sounds very dangerous...his escape abilities. Houdini has to be his nickname. Very scary stuff. I am so sorry you have to deal with this fear. Mary

[mfh]

Dear Jan and fae and anyone else who has sleep problems,

I do understand not being able to sleep as I went through a time like that. I do agree that not having any stimulants including chocolate, wine, sugar can be helpful. They all tend to make you sleepy for a bit of time and then wham...you are wide awake. I found something that helped me a lot and it is in keeping with fae's boring book. I use my iPod and listen to podcasts that hold my interest just slightly. Too much interest and you stay awake to hear it. Too little and your mind wanders where you do not want it to go. So just slight interest and I have to say, I never get more than 10 minutes into the podcast and I am sound asleep. I put a timer on the iPod so that it goes off by itself. I can use my iPad also but it does not work as well unless I plug in my headset and put one ear plug in...the one I am not sleeping on.

I hope this helps as you both need sleep so badly.

Peace, Mary

[kayc]

fae, well let us just hope and pray that the other test results also come back clear. I am glad you are resting; I am afraid I way overdid it yesterday, as my ankles are telling me, and I came down with edema last night in my left foot...elevated and compressed all night, been good ever since, but still somewhat swollen. Drinking lots of water. Some people think if you have fluid build up you should cut back on your intake of water, but the opposite is true, you want to flush out your system and dilute the sodium in your body. I didn't intend to spend so many hours on the cookies, it just kind of evolved...I no longer have "helpers" (kids) and I'm not as young as I used to be, my stamina not as great.

To answer your question, my family has been making these for generations, so I was taught when I was a preschooler how to make and decorate these cookies. I have fond memories of making them with my sisters, and then later on with my children and other neighborhood children. I envision doing so with my grandchildren someday. My son actually got excited when he saw them on Facebook, and exclaimed to his wife, "We used to make these when I was a little boy!" I used to get more intricate, putting scarves on the snowmen, and a belt on Santa and fur on his boot, but I curtailed the decorating yesterday.

It was fun, I'm just noticing my age!

I didn't sleep much last night, nothing troubling me, but I stayed awake too late, and then woke up usual time to stoke the fire and figured I wouldn't get back to sleep so I stayed up.

I ordered a tablet that I can keep in the living room, it'll help me stay off my feet and still keep up on the forums, FB, etc. That is, IF I can figure it out!

[Wifflesnook]

Mary, it was podcasts which got me back to sleep. On Radio Four BBC there is a great programme called In Your Time so I listened to a three quarter hour prog about Galen, then one about the beginnings of radio and then drifted off. Perfect description. I suggest you try that one!

[Wifflesnook]

Kay you need to take the tablet to bed like I do. Since Pete died it is a life saver to me. Mine is an iPad and I love it.

[feralfae]

And remember warm milk with a little nutmeg.

fae

[mfh]

Thank you, Jan. I will look it up. I also use a LOT of meditations on my iPod....Mary

[feralfae]

Hi Tribe,

This is just nattering...

One year, as a young anthropologist, full of the wonder or richness and correspondence among all of human cultures, a few of us went around Evanston, smiling at people, shaking hands, saying.

"The Sun is coming back! The Sun is coming back! Isn't it wonderful?" And smiling and being entirely goofy. And I could tell you who was with me. One is a very respected epidemologist, who was, at the time, studying S. American intact Amazonian cultures and the spread of diseases; the other a highly-respected young Hopewell archaeologist. We were very nuts, and had not consumed anything stronger than hot fudge sundaes at the Orrington tea room. But everyone thought we were charming, because we were their own.

Nattering.

So now, tomorrow, we can all go out and dance and celebrate the return of the Sun.

*<twinkles>*

fae