Transformations On This Path

[MartyT]

I have to learn to be better at saying no and putting my own needs first. Not one of us could say this any better than you have, Kay. Please heed your own words, and take yourself off that big hook. Taking care of yourself (and Arlie) is your first responsibility, and you have acted responsibly in this situation. We are proud of you. Amen. The End. ♥

[mfh]

Kay, I applaud your decision to say no to this man. In my opinion he should have called 911 and not put you in that bind. Saying no is a challenge to many people...we end up feeling selfish and fear rejection when we draw a line in the sand and set a limit.

I think we teach other people how to treat us. We do this by allowing them to treat us poorly or well. It sounds like you taught your neighbor how to treat you last night by setting a limit. I believe receiving is more difficult for us than giving and receiving self-compassion may be the toughest of all. But you did it.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I am so very proud of you for taking care of yourself and Arlie! I know it is not easy to say no. Did you mean this neighbor is Sammy's owner? I was not sure.

Anyway, I am glad that you are at home, safe, and taking self-care seriously. It is a huge shift that we all must go through after devoting years to caring for others. I still struggle with it every day, and still have trouble saying no. But we will find balance. Yes, I hope you can take the rest of winter, at least until April, to just focus on taking care of you, asking others for help, and learn to be more on the receiving end than the giving end for this short time.

It is -13F here right now and snowing. The house is holding at 68F, which is just fine. I am not going to Meeting today, and probably not leaving the house, as the roads are bad.

You stay in as well, and stay warm. I am glad you have Arlie there, and I hope he sleeps on your feet to keep them warm.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

8 December 2012

I sat in our dining room last night, with the candles lit in the old brass candlesticks that Doug loved, and slowly took tiny sips of my splash of marvelous wine. I raised a glass to Doug, who lived life so beautifully, did so much good, held his honor above almost anything I can imagine, and who loved me with all his heart, as I loved him. I just let the tears flow. I have no idea what I might have done to be blessed with such a wonderful, kind, loving husband. ("Somewhere in my youth or childhood ...") Anne, I don't know how to make those cute little musical notes, or I would surround the SOM quote with some notes.

Doug went beyond kindness to establishing a sense of kinship with people he let into his life. Whether a homeless veteran or head of a university math department, Doug treated individuals with respect and kindness. I never heard him say a cruel word to anyone. Yet I have seen him do things of great courage, even putting his own body in the way or harm, to help others. I miss him terribly, and I wish he were here, but I am very grateful that he keeps me comforted by all the little signs and happenings that arrive in my life almost daily. I still feel his presence so strongly here in our home, that I miss him even more when I step out the door.

Right now, I am not stepping out the door. I am staying in, eating all the right foods, feeling my abdomen healing from the trauma, and resting, resting, resting. Yesterday, I felt a few glimmers of sparks of energy returning, and that made me very happy. But I am being very careful not to overdo things, to move carefully, to let things heal fully before I set out on any new adventures. I am finally realizing that spending time healing and convalescing is not "wasting" time. I am going to needlepoint and read today, and sip lots of warm, sweet teas while I watch the snow and feel the cold pushing against the walls of the house.

I am reading Madeline L'Engle's Glimpses of Grace when I want to distract myself from feeling rather up against it all, what with the holidays, being in healing mode, and missing Doug. That said, there is a certain peace of acceptance that is also visiting my heart more these days, and I am appreciating the peace of that feeling.

Blessings to everyone, stay warm, and wear extra socks. I have on two pairs right now.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Dear Kay,

I hear the disappointment in your voice and I know that you wanted to sell your cards and take part in some of the Christmas activities. I am sorry those things did not happen for you. I am glad that you said NO to your neighbor. Good for you. It is a very difficult thing to do because often times we do feel guilty about it. No more GUILTY now.

Oh dear Fae, you are having one of those memory times and it sounds like you went into it with gusto. The 2003 Syrah you mentioned isn't even available anymore! Did you finish watching The Secret of Roan Inish? I have it bookmarked to watch one of these days. I saw the trailer and I liked it enough to watch the movie. Those Irish brogues are a little hard to follow for me right now since I am once again having trouble with my hearing - this plagues me about twice a year where I have to see my ENT doc! That won't happen until the 16th!

♫ ♪ ♬ ("Somewhere in my youth or childhood ...") ~♥~

It is a reading day for me, also. Yesterday, Benji got a hair cut and he looks so cute I could just eat him up!

Namasté ( I honor the Spirit in you that is also in me) Stay warm out there all my friends dealing with frosty, wintery weather.

Anne

[kayc]

I had to look up Namasté in the meditations, I like that!

Yes, fae, I mean Sammy's dad. He lost his heat because he never cleaned the motor on his furnace (his son is in heating and air conditioning but lives elsewhere) and he lost his water because he didn't wrap his pipes before he went on his trip, and his heart went into fibrillation because he stressed about it when he came back but didn't do anything to fix the situation. It's the same with all of his life, and it can be frustrating to be around, but I've learned you can give sound advice but it's up to the other person whether or not they take it, and if they do not, they have to live with the consequences. I loaned him my heater until he can get another motor and asked him how warm his house was this morning...49* because he wouldn't turn it on high, trying to save on electricity. He gets four times what I do in a month, spends lavishly on pocket watches, guns, eating out, and driving his big truck around, yet is a piker with electricity and other basic necessities. I may need to distance myself more.

Yes, I know you guys are right, so why is it I feel bad when I have to say no to someone? Some people I have no trouble with, but it's harder with friends/family/bosses.

Anne, I don't think Benji could look anything but cute!

It was 63* in here this morning with the fire going continually, that's unusual, but it's never been this cold here in the 36 1/2 years I've lived here! Right now I have two heaters on besides and the surfaces and air still feel cold.

[feralfae]

Oh, Goodness! It is 0F outside right now, and I think we have seen our high for the day. It is still snowing, but the sun is shining down through the snow. Very pretty. I brought up enough firewood to get me through the night, and turned on the heat in the lower bath and guest room, since I don't have a fire going down there today. I don't think it can freeze down there, since it is a daylight basement facing southwest (of course) and we only put in the wood heat down there after Doug was ill and we needed to keep the house warmer in winter than our standard 67F that we used to keep our house here and in Fairbanks. Doug would sit and watch the fire for hours, often falling asleep in the warm breeze from the ventilator on the top of the fire.

It is still being a Doug day. I am burning firewood he felled for me. I am heating my tea in a pan that hangs from a hook on the marvelous pot rack he made for me, I have filled the suet log he made for the birds and I have changed the filters on the three Blue Air room filters we bought to keep the air cleaner for him, and now, for me, because of the wood heat. As I sit here typing this through tears, I am just ever so grateful we had time to teach each other so much about loving. I am very blessed.

Namaste,

fae

[mfh]

Kay, I do not think there is just one reason you feel badly or even guilty when you say no. In the big picture we are told from day one to share our toys, to give to the needy, and more and our society as a whole supports that. And there is nothing wrong with that but it has to be balanced with self care which is not really taught very much. In addition to that we are hard wired to care and be compassionate and when we say no it is like violating our own wiring as well as our own desires. We do not want to hurt people and we do not want to deal with their anger or rejection or judgment if we say no...put it all together and unless we have come to terms with self care and loving ourselves first...so that we CAN love others...we end up feeling badly. That is my take on it at least.

It has been snowing all day...not hard but it will be slick tomorrow as it will continue all night. I just came from a presentation of Handel's Messiah which was just lovely....bittersweet, of course. I hope in the midst of the holidays and grieving...there are some opportunities for folks to take in some lovely sacred music if that be what they would like. It is uplifting even though bittersweet.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

That makes sense, Mary, I never thought of it like that, but you're right.

I love Handel's Messiah, it is beautiful, I'm glad you got to enjoy it.

fae, I like how you call it your Doug day, I do know what you mean. I am appreciating all of the things that have been done for me by others, whether the kids' dad, George, my son, or my dad, as memories present themselves. Yesterday I was trying to put away my white elephant present I'd wrapped, since I didn't attend it, to keep for next year...it's kind of large so I was trying to clear a space in a closet, and I ran across a note from George. It said, "Little One, You are the one who made it all come true for me...you're the best! ♥♥ Thru all time, George It was so special to find that!

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Kay,

I am crying happy tears for you finding the beautiful note. I love that it showed up right now, just when you need it. So wonderful.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KarenK]

Mary,

Funny videos of the dogs & their mortal enemies. LOL Reminds me of Roberts' dog Tatum & my old grouchy cat Batman. Tatum just wants to be friends, but Batman bops her on the nose every time.

Kay,

I'm sorry, but it does sound like this neighbor is taking advantage of your kindness. After all, he appears to have the means to be responsible for himself. Don't feel badly that you can't rescue him every time. Being neighborly should work both ways. Does he ever offer you any help?

It sounds so special that you found George's note today.

It sounds so cold where each of you are, especially Fae, but I'm glad you are all safe & warm. Of course, where I am, highs in the 50's & lows in the 30's is cold to me. I was in Kentucky in winter 2008-2009 when they had the worst ice storm in 50 years. The upstairs heating unit was working, but the downstairs went out & we had to wait a week for parts. I went out & bought 2 space heaters & we all bundled up. The landscape along the interstate from her town to Louisville looked like nuclear war where the ice had taken down the trees. It was eerie looking.

This was a strange day. I took my anti-anxiety pill last night & about 4 hours later took a pain pill as my stupid jaw is hurting again. I had planned to attend a non denominational church service to see if I might enjoy going to church & making new friends. When I got up, I was a bit groggy, so started to make breakfast & I got very dizzy. Everything got bright & the room was spinning. I sat down quickly in the computer chair for a few minutes with my head laid down & then I tried it again. Same thing happened. After a little more time, I managed to finish making breakfast & pouring coffee. I took it, along with my BP meter to the recliner. My BP was 84/41 & my pulse was 45. I was beginning to think I was a goner there for a few minutes. I definitely didn't take my BP meds. After I managed to eat breakfast, I went back to bed & slept until 4 PM. My BP is back up to a low normal for me 160/70. It usually runs about 90 on the bottom number. So I'm thinking maybe anti-anxiety meds & pain meds don't mix. Don't believe I'll try it again!

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Karen

[kayc]

Karen, I hope you'll call your doctor tomorrow and ask them about the combination, just to know if that was it or something else. Maybe next week you can try church, today it sounds like you needed your rest, most of us stayed home!

Yes, my neighbor is there for me sometimes...2 1/2 years ago when I broke my arm he took me to the hospital, but he didn't go inside with me, waited out in his truck, I thought that was weird. And two years ago when Arlie cut his pad all the way through, he drove us 60 miles in snow to the vet, and it took him, me, the vet, and his assistant all four to hold Arlie still while they stapled it. We used to spend time doing things together, but not for quite a while.

[Queeniemary]

Kay, do not feel guilty at all, you did the right thing. It is hard to say no, Mary is right, we are conditioned from childhood to do for others, and that is not a bad thing, but we also have to do what is right for us. Traveling on the icy roads would definitely NOT have been right for you!! Glad you made that decision. Love it that you found the note....how very special!

Karen, take care, does sound as if the two meds. might have been the cause of your low pressure and dizziness. Hope you talk to your doctor.

Fae, stay warm, enjoyed so much that you shared your Doug day with us. Such special memories.

Everyone stay warm and safe.

Anne, I know that Benji looks so cute, enjoy him, and your reading today, and know that I am envying you your temperatures there in Arizona!!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Karen,

Please be sure you are staying well hydrated, drinking lots of healthy fluids. I know one reason for BP to fall so low is dehydration. I hope you can talk to your doctor about it.

To my tribe . . .

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes this morning, in my warm home, alone right now. I am slowly realizing the extreme depths of my weakness and my overwhelming need to fall into recovery and healing mode for a while, and to stop pushing, even if the dishes are not done and that tables are not dusted. It feels very unfamiliar not to be responding to the needs of others, and instead, both allowing and asking that all caring pours into me. I know I cannot go on pushing myself the way I have been. I am glad the office will be closing, because that will take a huge load off my ind, even if it is the end of an era.

As I work on relaxing (nutmeg helps!) and doing a lot less, I can feel my body healing. I know I have no energy reserved. I know I am entirely run down. I know that my body is going to keep sending out SOS signals until I stop, let everyone know that I need help and that I cannot be a help right now. I am working on being entirely dependent for a while. I am asking others to shop for groceries, to get the mail, to bring in wood, to clean the house, all that I can think of to ask others to do. Some people will not be happy with me because they are very used to having me do for them. But I cannot.

If I am going to get well, get stronger, heal, and go on through life with good health as I always had until Doug got sick, then I am going to need to just step out of my usual role as caregiver, caretaker, rescuer, cook, fixer, problem-solver, baby-sitter, and answerer of questions, as well as giver of directions, etc. I am going to need to wake up each day for a few months and think about what I need for the day, how much rest I need, how much peace I need, how much healing I need to do, what I need to eat and drink, and how much sleep I need to get.

HUGE CHANGE!

But this trying to work and take care of others is not working, and I am weak and susceptible to illness and more health problems. So, I must stop. I will try to go to meetings on Sundays and maybe one visit with someone who does not need anything of me each week. I don't know how to do this well, as people are used to me being the helping one. Some people are already upset with me for not fixing their problems or taking care of them.

I am working to develop a new paradigm of everyone taking care of me for a while. I guess this will be my most extravagant Christmas present to myself: giving myself permission to let others take care of me, until my energy cup is filled again. Right now, it is entirely empty, I think.

And with that thought, I am going back to bed.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I am so glad that you are listening to what you need, fae. Sometimes I think we push ourselves to the limit without even knowing it is happening. I used to be a real “neat person” for a long time. I had to have beds made, everything picked up, clean towels hanging, dishwasher emptied, dusting finished, etc., etc., etc. Now I would rather read, sip coffee, play with Benji, or read – oh, I think I said read once before.

You are so in tune with your body that you already know what has to be done. Sometimes it takes an illness before we listen. It is good that you are asking for the help you need –other people’s needs will wait – it’s your turn – NO GUILT.

Now you mentioned that you were going to give up caregiver, caretaker, rescuer, cook, problem-solver, etc. for awhile – we shall see, dear fae – we will be watching you – I know you can do it but YOU have to know for it to be effective.

I love how we talk to ourselves and try to convince ourselves that we need to do this and we need to do that – there comes a time when we have to just do it. Remember, dear fae, if people are upset that is their problem not yours. Now, we will be watching you.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

You have a wonderfully loving and caring heart, thank you.

I have mostly done nothing today. Read a chapter of Campbell, a chapter of L'Engle, a few pages of anthropology of the Goddess days, and not much else. I am trying to define this new goal, this change in course. It is not about getting stronger (yet) but about having more reserve energy, to feel more rested. It is not about seeing how far I can push myself, but about how much I can care for myself.

HUGE SHIFT

Thank you, Anne. I often feel that in needing others to take care of me, I am letting them down. In fact, I may be lifting them up, because they have the gift of giving to me now, and that is a good thing for all of us.

Please do keep watching me. I am really slowing down. I know I need encouragement. SSK suggests that I need to stay on this convalescent routine through January, and also that I get one of those lights for people who are not outside in the sun much in winter, which looks as though is going to be me this winter. I will not be out doing much until I am feeling stronger. All of my energy is needed for healing right now. I am just beginning to fully comprehend the magnitude of such a state. I will be like a bear curled up in her cave for winter, I imagine. I tell other people all the time about resting while healing, but I have not been very caring of myself in this regard.

I cancelled my appointments this week, except to see the massage therapist who works on adhesions. That will be my one big outing for the week, tomorrow afternoon. Then, if I feel really great Sunday, I will go to meeting. People will be coming out here sometimes, but I will not be going to town more than twice a week, if I can manage at all that way.

Many friends have left for the holidays, so I am feeling more alone out here. The lights of town are enticing. But I would not have this much peace in town, not anywhere near this much peace.

I hope you are having a wonderful evening, that PT is getting a bit easier, and that you are feeling stronger by now. I have missed a lot of your postings while I have been in and out of hospitals. I am just now going around and reading things from the past couple of weeks, slowly catching up and responding.

But now it is 8:45 and time for me to go snug into bed for 12 hours or so. I am not allowed to set alarms. Fascinating way to live. Especially after being awake at 4:00 every morning by nurses with needles. Yikes! It is so nice to be home where I can rest. I imagine everyone has the same tales of the tyranny of the hospital, but when I was young, the nuns who nursed me seemed a lot more gentle and loving. Hmmm. Of course, I was having babies, so it was a wonderfully happy time. No nuns at this hospital, more's the pity.

I am nattering...

Namaste

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Bill's Mary,

I don't know if we are allowed to ask this of you in your new, official capacity (so happy you are still here!) :

How is the art coming along? What are you doing for fun? I am certain that somewhere amongst these threads is your latest life update, and that you are enjoying magnificent days. If I missed an update, for those of us who feel very emotionally attached to you, even if you did become an official—as compared to a de facto—healer for us here.

I still love you and want to know how your life is going, if you do not mind sharing the Reader's Digest Version occasionally. Short humorous story, or inspiring, or both.

If I have overstepped, please excuse my lack of good form. Consider it read that it is the joy of the season. I am laughing, hoping everyone here is remembering moments of great joy from Christmases Past. I have some great memories. I am sure we all do. I'm ready to hear more great stories any time. We are celebrating our Love, after all, at this time of celebration all over Earth.

Don't you sometimes feel that as we surrender to the care of our Mother Earth more and more, we fall into the easier rhythms of a beating heart, a soft breath, more than the speedy photons of the synaptic system. Another way to talk about meditation for me, as I search out more body meditations.

Thank you Mary, for the wonderful offerings you share here with us.

Namaste

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

My dear fae, Thank you for checking and asking. I was listening to a book by Parker Palmer last night (a local/national educator/author). He said...paraphrased: We look at our devastation as a seedbed for life. I like that and it is pretty much, in a nutshell, what I am up to these days.

I am painting for fun and growth. I guess most of what I do is for growth including the fun. I go to well chosen movies with friends (latest: The Book Thief and Philomena); eat out now and then; laugh with friends, cry with some, meditate a lot; attend a few of the zillion Christmas events in our village e.g. Messiah last Sunday and Sacred Choral Music next Sunday in Madison with friends; surviving December's tough holiday pain which includes some tears, facing being alone and dealing with the pain of grief generally by walking into it when needed; painting with 6 other crones (nothing like a women's circle-read Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk) and preparing for a summer exhibit so I need to get hopping as I am the slow poke in the group; reading my choices i.e. lots of spirituality, grief ed, personal growth; reading my book club choices which are not necessarily mine all the time e.g. for January -The Great Influenza; walking Bentley when it is not single digit with a wind chill of 5 below which means lately he is not getting walked enough; shoveling snow on a driveway that seems to grow each time it snows.... today will be the third time this week (over 4 inches I have it done for me); checking in here 3-4 times a day; preparing to lead a grief support group locally by watching a large set of videos I plan to use and studying materials; starting the trek to reading about 2000 pages in preparation for a test late 2014 to certify me in thanatology (CT) having completed the course work now; designing a new website; will attend for the 3 times a 3 day conference on grief ed at the UW-LaCross; seeing 3-4 clients a week-the days of seeing 20-30 a week are gone after 40 years; helping at a food pantry; journaling/writing poetry as the spirit moves me; reaching out to villagers/acquaintances who are grieving...some like to just sit and talk at the fireside and some want book titles and articles.....

I guess that is pretty much it. In spite of what I now see is a long list, I spend a lot of time in solitude and diddling about every single day...I HAVE learned limits and do well on balancing...which took time. Friends pop by for tea and a fire-sit and chat.

I chose to use this opportunity to list all this because I can guarantee everyone here that 3 years ago this month when I joined this forum as a member, I was doing nothing except crying and reading grief books and articles. That was about it. I was in the daze/fog of grief. I then went through a chapter where I did way too much (as some of you remember and some now do) and though this list is long, I assure you that I have time on my hands..sometimes too often and definitely daily. I do feel basically alone which is not great. I rarely take on more than one activity outside of the house a day and there are always 2-3 days a week when I have nothing I "must" do...so I am here...with Bentley. If you had asked me 3 years ago about whether finding peace is possible...I would have known, not just said, it was impossible. I do feel peaceful even though I miss Bill every single day. My grief is always there...sometimes up front demanding my attention and tears and most often in the back of my heart/mind or perhaps better said...gently woven in and out of my days.

I did not plan to write a dissertation but well...here it is.

Peace to all,

Mary

[feralfae]

Thank you dear Mary, and you give me great hope that more peace, acceptance, and days of goodness are before me.

You are busy! Thank you for catching me up on everything you are doing. It all sounds constructive, helpful, healing, and self-caring, while also being more open to the world around you and more involved in offering your own love through your work and art.

Thank you.

Namaste

fae

[mfh]

Thanks for caring and asking, fae. I do believe there is always hope for something but 3 years ago....I was at an edge on that belief. It feels good to comprehend better this journey we call life. Please take care of YOU.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, I'm so glad you're enjoying painting. And so glad to have you with us, you're an important part of this group! And I appreciate all of the links you and Marty list and your sound advice.

Anne, I know how hard it is, esp. for someone as busy as you, to step back and do nothing except heal...but how important that is, for where would everyone be if you did not! We have to listen to our own needs first, a difficult thing to learn for a former caregiver.

I, too, understand how it feels to be housebound, for I have been for two weeks now, ever since this extraordinary cold spell (for us) and snow/ice. It is to start raining on top of the snow pack/ice tomorrow and will become even more treacherous. All of this could have been avoided had road maintenance done it's job in a timely and correct fashion. The snow we got was powdery/soft and would have been so easy for them to blow away, but instead they waited until it was packed down, then went over it with a blade, further packing it down, and used NO rock on it whatsoever! We had record numbers of accidents, both on the Hwy and in Eugene (nearest big city). All of Oregon was handled this way, and as a result, we are left with school closures for the entire week. Even my church canceled their activities this week, something they didn't even do (and should have) last week. The dreadful mishandling of the road maintenance was all an effort to save money, ridiculous! This is another example of them holding us hostage to their political blackmail, for it comes at a time that they want to (again) increase gas tax. I've noticed when they want to increase budgets for police or roads, they preceed it by cutting back those services until we feel desperate enough to pass the measures. Grrr! Okay, enough venting. But really, they don't care about all of the people that had accidents and lost work time because of not being able to get around.

[feralfae]

Dear Tribe,

Just a quick note before I leave for a facial -- oh, happy day! A fun thing I can do while relaxing and resting!

I have seen another doctor, and am waiting for some test results which I won't know until next week. And the conundrum is another doctor with yet another diagnosis. No one seems totally sure of what is going on, but more tests are done and now I wait a few days, sipping my liquid foods and resting a lot.

I am holding a lot of positive energy that this is something simple and that I will look back on it in a few weeks with total relief and smiles. We know some things that may be wrong and hope to eliminate a fourth option by next week.

It warmed up a bit yesterday, so some of the ice and snow melted in the warmth of the sun. I will do a little shopping while I am in town, and pick up the mail as well.

I miss you all here and hope to be back up to speed in a few more days with some more rest and recovery time.

Much Love to All, Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Continue to rest, dear Fae. Don't forget - baby steps. My prayers are with you for that fourth option to be eliminated. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Thinking of you dearest Fae.

[kayc]

You're always in our thoughts and prayers, dear fae. I hope you enjoy your time out today w/o getting set back. I've been having cabin fever as I've missed everything the last couple of weeks due to the road conditions. Today it's finally starting to thaw but I see snow in the forecast next Thursday. I hope it doesn't move up because I want to go see my mom next week. I miss her. Never thought I'd say that, but I do.

My tendon that I injured a few days ago swelled up last night so I am forced to RICE (rest, ice, compress, elevate) and being good excepting my two walks with Arlie. Am walking slow and carefully and have compression on it and very good supportive boots on. I have it elevated and icing even now, that leg should be pretty limber with my elevating it as high as I am!