Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

Thank you for all the loving notes and messages.

Kay, I don't know what we are going to do with you . . . I think we are going to need to get a leash for you as well so you will sit still and heal.

I am glad to hear you are doing RICE for the leg.

I am going to go take a nap now.

Much love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Dear fae,

I do hope the results of this next test are negative but if not, that it is something they can actually Dx and treat...easily. I am glad to see you napping. as often as your posts indicate. Good for you, Mary

[KarenK]

Well, Dang!

It's not like I don't have enough on my plate as it is, & now I get to create another doctor bill in addition to all the others I'm struggling to pay. Last week, my doc did blood & urine tests, sort of a standard thing for him, & they called today to tell me that I have blood in my urine. Maybe this is part of what's making me so tired all the time. I really just thought it might be the anxiety pill, so I decided to cut that in half. I don't feel like I have a bladder infection. I had my one & only of those back in April of this year. So, what the heck. They are referring me to a urologist & I see $$$ again. Will keep you posted.

Karen

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Karen,

I am so very sorry to hear this! Just what you do not need at all right now.

No matter what, I am very relieved that you are seeing some doctors about this, because it is not something to be taken lightly. I know we will all read easier when you know you are doing all right health wise. When are you seeing the urologist?

*****

On an entirely unrelated note, I got a package today filled with little cute gifts and notes from many of our climber friends, and the thoughtfulness of the gifts brought tears to my eyes: a book about the Wind River Mountains (home); some material on the Anasazi, a culture I studied (and an area where I worked for many years); some drawing pencils, some pens; some crampons; and so much more. I will save the wrapped things for Christmas. Some people wrapped, some did not. But it is a big box just chock-full of very thoughtful gifts, and I am touched beyond words to receive such thoughtfulness, love, and kindness from the climbing community of N. & S. America, Europe, not sure yet where else the gifts came from, until I unwrap the rest.

Then I realized that I helped be secret santa for a 75-year old climber out in Yosemite, who is retired and grumpy, so a bunch from one of my other Tribes got together and sent a Christmas 12 days of Christmas box to him.

And now I get the wonderful box filled with so much thoughtful love. I am deeply touched. Many of these guys knew Doug, and a few had climbed with him. This is just special for me, and with what is going on right now with all the questions about "why the heck are you sick?" this box comes like a bird of Blessings, to perch here in the living room like a welcome bringer of joy and love, ready to spread its wings again on Christmas morning. Wow.

I am blessed.

I got a lot done in town today, and I am ready to take it easy tomorrow. I used up all my reserves today.

Everyone here,remember to rest, rest, rest, so that you can Heal, Heal, Heal. I mean it. Our bodies need most of our energy for the healing that is going on. When you are healed and feel wonderfully rested, you will know you have some energy to spare, and then you can begin to do more. I am repeating a lecture from SSK about the need to really rest and relax. (read comic books! she said!)

I am pretty tired tonight, so I will say good night, send Much Love and more

*<fairy dust>* and wish you all wonderful dreams and healing sleep.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

That is a most thoughtful and wonderful box to receive! How wonderful to have such friends as this! BTW, what is a crampon?

You are right, we do need to rest and heal our bodies. I canceled going to my Christmas Program, for which I practiced for two months, and church tomorrow, practice tonight, etc. I am done, I cannot be on my ankle that long and up/down stairs. I went to a birthday party yesterday, was only gone 1 1/2 hours, and my ankle was swollen and hurting when I got home. Poor Arlie is getting short walks these days and I'm hobbling so slow as to try his patience. Trying to let him sniff as much as he wants to make up for it.

Karen,

I am sorry about this latest news. I am glad you have insurance to cover at least part of it, I feel like a sitting duck w/o ins. Let's hope it is an easy fix and you'll soon be feeling better!

[feralfae]

Good Morning Dear Kay!

Crampons: http://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/crampons-snow-ice-climbing.html

I go to forage for coffee. I slept in, so tired from yesterday's running around and shopping.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KarenK]

Fae,

So nice to hear of the special gift box you received from friends. I know there will be many items you will treasure. What a great surprise!

Oh Kay,

I know you're having a heck of a time w/o insurance. I don't mean to complain. It's just that my finances passed overload a while back. Yes, I have insurance. I have Medicare as my primary & United Healthcare(for which I pay dearly) as my secondary. Even at that, it seems that there are always leftover balances. I was fortunate during my employed years with the phone company as they paid all the health & life insurance premiums. It even continued that way until 2009, when the union & company bargained to stop paying for retirees coverage, although the plan is still managed by Centurylink(the current name of the phone company, which went through 4 name changes during my employment). Next year they are dropping our secondary coverage altogether, & are supposed to present us with alternatives. I have already asked my son to attend the meeting with me explaining the alternatives. He is much more quick witted than I am when it comes to understanding things. Just another "perk" of old age, I suppose.

Karen

[kayc]

Ah, "crampons"...what I call boot chains! Very cool!

Karen, it doesn't help a person a whole lot to have insurance when the premium costs so much they can't afford the co-pays, thus can't use it! Since I lost my job, I fractured my let, pulled muscles in my back/neck, bringing on a severe stiff neck (that was the most painful) and now partially tore one tendon and pulled another. The pulled one is healing, the torn one, it's going to take a good long while. That's going to require patience on my part. I'm pretty sure it's not torn all the way through or I probably wouldn't be able to walk on it, but it definitely "snapped" and since it got worse, not better, over the next few days, swelling up and getting more painful, I recognize it as a partial tear and not just a "pull". In my situation, I have to heal myself, and will do my best with it...I even have exercises to do as soon as the swelling goes down and the pain lessens somewhat. And I consulted with my Orthotist friend. But in your situation you NEED to go to a doctor to get to the bottom of what is going on, and it's going to cost you, and that's hard, esp. with limited resources. I hope family members give you money for Christmas instead of something you don't need or have room for!

[feralfae]

nattering

I did not go to meeting today, but stayed home and rested, made more chicken-rice blended soups, and had a lovely day. I did put on my boots and go out and walk around in the forest for a few minutes, remembering so many happy bonfires, times of the two of us sitting on a log bench and sipping wine, gathering boughs for decorating the house with fragrant, resin-rich ponderosa branches.

I am letting this sadness settle when it will, for as long as it will, just one day at a time, because it is all I can manage right now. I have given up thinking about what I might be able to do tomorrow -- maybe more Christmas cards? Maybe wrap a few gifts? Maybe get a poinsettia at least. I have not felt moved to do much of anything, and while I wish I had the enthusiasm for something more, I am just proud today that I went for a little walk. Baby steps.

For all that has happened these last few years, I am blessed beyond words to be alive. I am blessed to be part of some very loving Tribes. *<twinkles>* and I am so thankful to be here by my own hearth, enjoying the heat of this fire as I burn the firewood Doug cut for me. It is a simple blessing, but a wonderful one.

Thank you all for being here and for sharing your journey.

Namaste,

fae

[kayc]

fae, your day sounds like mine was, I wasn't able to go to church either because I knew they'd push me to participate in everything and I'm not up to all of the steps up and down the platform and all of the standing for hours, so I was good and stayed home. I am learning self-care here.

I, too, made chicken soup.

[mfh]

So glad you both (Kay and fae) are staying put and doing some self care. I hope you continue to do that for a long while.

Peace, Mary

[feralfae]

I guess I totally overdid it yesterday and today, so I am not going to the recital this evening because I don't think I have enough energy to walk from the car to the building even if I make it into town.

I am reading up on post-hospital syndrome, after being directed to read up about this from SSK, who was just at a seminar about how patients are sent home often weaker, sleep-deprived, malnourished, etc., in keeping with the new guidelines, and how more of them are being readmitted within 30 days, mostly for other conditions not related to the initial admission, but usually related to the stress of being hospitalized. I know I came home terribly weak and sleep-deprived, on a liquid diet which I am struggling to find the strength to prepare, and certainly terribly weak compared to when I went in to the hospital either time.

I am also reading on how to recover from this and to be able to get strong again. I have new empathy with Doug's terrible weakness and lack of motive power now.

I hate that I cannot go to the recital. I cried, because I have never missed my children, grandchildren, or g*dchildren's events before, and I hate feeling that I am too weak to simply go sit in a seat and be a supportive presence for my darling G*ddaughter. I know I did way too much today, did not get a nap, since the electricians were here, and have been having trouble preparing the foods I can eat right now. I did make rice last night, though.

I am in a real funk, so instead of whining here, I will go whine in my journal. I am just discouraged to think that I may not completely recover in all ways from this spine surgery. This is not a happy person speaking tonight. I have had to turn down so many invitations, trips, visits, and all, just because I cannot get well as fast as I would like.

But at least I have found out that the recovery time for this syndrome is 30-60 days post-hospital stay. It can take that long to recover from the stress of hospitalization, noise, lack of sleep, food, emotional support, and procedures. So, I am going to learn new levels of patience and self-care, more than I have ever known before. I have no reserves left, it feels.

I go to write and nap.

*<twinkles>*

Namaste,

fae

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Fae, that you're feeling so depleted and unwell. Please do continue to rest and take good care of yourself, and know that we are thinking of you and praying for your speedy return to health and wellness . . . ♥

[kayc]

oh my dear fae, how I can relate! I have missed absolutely everything this holiday season, everything! No one comes by, I'm about to go stir crazy! And my son & DIL want me to drive THERE Christmas Eve day! They just don't get it! I have a friend willing to drive me there, but I will not spend the night there, I want to be home on Christmas day for my daughter and SIL, who gave up his Thanksgiving so he could spend Christmas day with me.

But missing all of the caroling, christmas programs, sugarplum festival, bible studies, church, the cocoa my DIL invited me to, Thanksgiving, it's just all too much. I have done no Christmas shopping, I do it all on line, and about all the Christmas I have is my tree, so I'm glad I did that before everything went south.

fae, it doesn't surprise me there'd be a post-hospital something or other, it's anything but restful. I hope you stay down and rest and eat your rice. It may not be exciting but at least it's nourishment. I sitll have some ckn soup.

[mfh]

fae said: "guess I totally overdid it yesterday and today", AND "just because I cannot get well as fast as I would like."

fae, I went through a stretch where I continued to "overdo" things. Your stretch must come to an end....it is time to surrender. If you are in doubt about whether you can do something, you might consider going with staying put. I would like to suggest you choose "under doing" for a long time. I am speaking from my own experience. The result is you do what you want to do i.e. get well faster. You find yourself with greater ease because there are fewer distractions. I have chosen to continue to live this "low key" life. I hope you will learn from my experience and just say no a lot. You body is screaming at you.... just as mine did. Be good to yourself. No one can do that for you. End of Mary's sermon. Mary bringing peace

[enna]

My dear Fae. I am so sorry that you are having those post-hospital syndromes. With all that you were put through during those days it is understandable. It does take a long time to recover after one has been in the hospital. I think it is all about going slow. Your body needs to come back to that place where you once again feel well. You suffered trauma when you were in the hospital the last two times. Lack of sleep and nourishing foods and exercise all took a toll on your body.

I am sorry that you are missing so many of the holiday activities and i wish you were strong enough to attend but your health is more important right now. Those who love you will understand so it is for you to accept what you can do at this time.

Have you heard from any doctors as to the dx yet? That has to be weighing on your psyche. Please care for yourself. I'm holding you close to my heart. Anne

[feralfae]

My Tribe here,

{{{Kay}}} {{{Marty}}} {{{Anne}}}

I love you all and thank you for your kind words and stern admonitions, all given with wonderful warmth and love.

I had a nice nap, and woke up feeling a lot better.

I am grounding myself until 15 February, 2014. Maybe longer. This time of year, now that I am not so numb, is very stressful with all the memories of both wonderful holidays and the last holidays. I am going to need to make a more conscious shift in how I treat myself. Grounding myself from any evening activities, at least week by week, having shorter social visits, while slowly getting the kitchen finished, is more than enough. I can go to Meeting on Sundays IF I feel up to it.

Closing the office continues to be a cathartic and often painful event. There are doors closing that I know I will probably not walk through again. We are always walking through doors, and the trick is to balance the Joyful ones with the Sorrowful ones. No one here would trade the love they have had for the pain we carry today. I am drowning in memories of the energy we shared, the delight we had in each other, the beauty of our creations, even those ice towers, and the adventures we had, exploring so much.

I am invited to the 20th anniversary celebration of an archaeology research association of which I am a founder and board emeritus. It is in the spring, and I would love to go and see old friends from around the world. I want to be able to go by then. Maybe take a road trip. I need to get more play planned back into my life, so I have more to which I can look forward. (<pedantry)

I am trying to balance the letting go of things, the shifts in my sense of self and in life at the fulcrum, and My future, flowing from the ever-present Now. I have no choice, if I want to celebrate this gift of my life.

So, I shall go to this conference without Doug, and see long-time friends; many going back for more than thirty years. Some knew David. It is a part of my life, what I have done, what I love, and who I am, and I have set it aside for all the years of caring for Doug and even until now. It is a gentle part of my life, where I can have lovely academic discussions on esoteric subjects such as lithic caches and variations on the atlatl. It is quite dusty.

But it is time to start balancing more toward the future and My days before me, while cherishing and standing in awe before the wonder of my Beloved Doug. A magnificent spirit. So, I am not going to pressure myself to present a paper, at least not this year. I will go and enjoy the people and let it be for me one step back into the life that was mine, and into which I brought Doug. He was not at this conference place with me ever, so there will be no Doug memories there, and I think that is good.

I must start sighting some lines into the future, since I am going there. Nattering. These are just thoughts today, as I consider and care for my body, which is literally kicking me in the stomach to get my attention and telling me to get my act together and go back to living in Joy, the way I was when Doug found me. The way we were until he got sick the last time.

Diving playfully into the Hopewell or Anasazi or Archaic cultures seems an excellent way to begin to move forward. And it will inform my art as well.

Slowly, slowly, I am having moments of seeing a life before me. I can feel my heart and psyche trying on bits of it. And right now, "It is saying: stop doing, start dreaming. Spend more time day dreaming and night dreaming, and remember that you are one Who Lives in Joy. It remains your state of Being."

I know I will still have these moments of tears, washing bits of pain and grief from my heart. I can feel the place in my heart where Doug's spirit shares with me. It is my own Heart Spirit place. I believe Doug's spirit will always be there, no matter where the River of Life carries me, no matter what Path I might take. I believe that there is a Loving G*d, and I trust the Mind of G*d that brought Doug into my life. I am here, so there must be a reason.

So, I have through this entire Holiday time to be grounded, rest, heal, eat well, slowly recover, and listen, listen, listen to Mary and Marty when they make stern remarks. Those remarks are made with great compassion and love. I am also going to plan a trip to the conference during this time, and I think another trip to Scotland, to the Isle of Mull, to do some writing that I need to finish. Maybe in summer. One of my cousins will be in Norway and parts slightly north then, so we could hook up with another cousin who lives in Dundee for a visit. Then I will go west to write, and hole up by the ocean in a lovely hotel which takes roomers by the month. A lot of birders and artists go there to bird, so those will be my recreation.

I need to be able to see some possibilities for the future now. I need to be able to look forward with Joy.

I think my body needs for me to do this shift as well. Maybe it will stop kicking me. I think I can make a good life alone, although it will not be the same as when Doug was here to play.

Namaste

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

{{{HUGS}}}

Thank you.

I think part of my stress is waiting for all the test results. Some I may have tomorrow; some next week. Yes, it is making forays of fear into my psyche, and I keep telling the fears that right now, we have no reason to fear, and this could be part of some new adventure, so I am trying to keep a curious rather than crisis-oriented mind about everything, and to learn as much as I can.

I still catch myself in downward spirals of worry, but I am becoming more amused by these random raids of fear. I really cannot afford the energy to let fear get in and take over right now, so it will need to wait outside the gate until such time as the "pleasure of its company" is requested by circumstances, which is not yet. And I think I will get better news tomorrow, and that there will be no surgery for a while more, and that gives me more time to heal and recover and get strong. I am really doing very well, just weak and tired and

I hate being grounded. SSK has put me on nutmeg in increased dosages, starting in the morning. And since it is late (I had a nap!) I'd better get some sleep so I can rest well and take good care of myself tomorrow.

We are a people of great courage, here in this Tribe. I look around the fire, and I see nothing but Heroes.

(I am reading Campbell.)

Much Love and *<fairy dust>*

and of course

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae

What can I say to you? You are by nature a doer and this is so hard for you, but take note of our Mary who also did far too much whilst grieving (and of course the grieving goes on). But we all see you doing too much, or whilst you are forced not to do much, still thinking you should. I have the same syndrome myself so I recognise it in you, but you have a more severe case lol! The post hospital syndrome I recognise. I have had it myself.

I celebrated the full moon alone (or was I?) last night and it will soon be the winter solstice, which was also an important festival for Pete and I. I'm feeling very very lonely lately. I was reading about so called complicated grief and thinking What rubbish! We here are all suffering from deep loss of a great love. We need to feel them still close and we struggle to feel it. The longer my time without Pete goes on the harder it is, in a way. And yet I still don't cry.

Hey this is becoming all about me and it's not meant to. Fae keeping hanging in there but don't do too much. Just be.

Jan

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

This is all about you, and all about me, and all about each of us here on this journey. We are finding our way with each other's help, and our journeys are shared, so it is all of a piece. These days, I cry very easily, and I am crying right now. I think you will cry when it is time, dear Jan.

I did go out for prayers last night to my Kiva, just asking for help in healing and getting strong again. Today I will mostly be in bed, just napping and resting and letting my body heal.

Just being.

fae

[kayc]

Again, I find myself relating, even though I don't have a serious illness, but the little things that have slowed me down and infiltrated my plans, I find myself experiencing the feeling like I'm letting others down when I can't come through...the church, family members, people who all want be to "be here and there" "doing this and that" and I can't come through. Some understand and some do not. I have to leave their lack of understanding with them and not feel lesser of myself for not being able to come through. It's is most important that we listen to our selves and attend to our own needs, be it spiritual, physical, emotional, mental.

I think of Dementia patients and how they've had to do just that. My mom no longer worries about the everyday stresses that used to plague her...finances, balancing a checkbook (she wouldn't let us help her), getting groceries, the little things that used to be too much for her. Now her life is about "being". She has come into the present more than any other time in her life, for she was always very anxious...it's ironic that this occurs when her present and past is all mixed up and she doesn't know past from present!

[feralfae]

Kay, with what you have been through these last couple of years -- just the stuff that I know about -- I'd strongly advise that you rest, rest, rest. Your spirit and body are healing, you had the job from a warmer place, a doggie visitor who was the guest from that same warmer place, and you are trying to keep body and soul together while also being supportive for so many through this time.

And on top of all that, it is the holidays and we are alone. No matter what, be gentle and kind with yourself.

I am working on living in the "now" at this time, not getting impatient with being weak, just trying to relax into this hour of rest and let the healing happen. I do know that the more energy I conserve, the more healing can happen. It is just a concept I applied to others, but thought I would always have enough energy to keep going, no matter what. I learned that this is not so right after Doug left and I collapsed. Now I am finding out how much resting can help with deep healing of long-standing conditions that were ignored for far too long.

Kay, you take all the resting time you need. When you wonder about disappointing others, you are shifting focus away from your primary responsibility, which is to take care of you. This is our time to heal and get better and take care of ourselves. Now I am going back to funny films on You Tube, because Anne just sent a link to one and I am back in bed to watch it on my laptop.

You just keep on resting and healing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

“We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love... and then we return home.”
- Australian Aboriginal Proverb

I believe that we are all learning from one another. I know that I grow everytime I'm heard. I love how we care for each other here.

Oh Fae, I hope you enjoy Gracie Allen in Mr. and Mrs. North. It's a very old film but she is such a super actress.

I had a scare this morning. Benji and I went to the circle. He turned and twisted and again broke free from his leash! He has a harness and leash and I don't know how he does it but he has done this a few times now. He took off and did not hear me call - I can't tell you where my heart was at this time because there is traffic near the park and he was running for a good twenty minutes. I finally got in the car and headed in the direction he was moving. Someone did see him and stopped their car and I was able to call for him. He came and I did get him back in the car. I am still shaking. Those of you with a precious dog know my feelings right now. He has been grounded and I haven't decided on further punishment! I made him go to his crate for alittle while right after we got home.

Anne

[MartyT]

Oh Anne, I do know how frightening this must have been for you, and I'm SO glad you got Benji back without incident! I had a cockapoo several years ago who would chase after rabbits whenever he got loose and would not come to me when called ~ It made me crazy with worry each and every time. I'm just so, so glad Benji's home with you now, and safe. ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Anne, I'm so glad you got Benji back. What an awful scare. Kelbi is such a challenging dog and last night after a fraught day she was rushing into bedrooms and grabbing stuff like she does and I got so impatient with her. But I love her and she helps me in my lonely state. I can so imagine how scared you were.