mfh Posted March 18, 2013 Report Share Posted March 18, 2013 Shannon, I am so very sorry. I know it is so difficult. I am glad you have support...keep them close to you. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 18, 2013 Report Share Posted March 18, 2013 Shannon, my dear, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 19, 2013 Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 Dear Shannon, Your spirit shines through your pain and suffering right now. You are doing all you can, and holding Leo in L*ve while you take care of yourself as best you can. I am so glad you have family there. I am so sorry. I am sorry you have this journey. I am sending blessings, and holding you up in prayer. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 Thank you so much ladies. You warm my heart. I'm off to bed now as I'm feeling very achy and cold. Snow and ice tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 19, 2013 Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 I hope you sleep well and stay in out of the cold...good night, Shannon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 I just got a call from Leo's night nurse. He had a seizure about an hour ago. He is sedated. And sleeping. I panicked and said I will be there. But she calmed me down and said he is ok. He is medicated and sleeping. It's snowing and icy anyway. Is this an awful thing to think... It runs very quickly through my mind "please Lord just take him" but it quickly oes away. I just feel orrible thinking it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 19, 2013 Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 Shannon, if your thought, "Please God just take him" is awful then every man or woman who has gone through the prolonged illness of their spouse is guilty of awful including me. It comes from two places, I believe. One is a desire to see the person we love relieved of suffering. And two to see ourselves relieved of watching that person suffer and from our own suffering...the exhaustion and pain of it all. And NO I do not think it is awful. I think it flows from love and exhaustion and I think it is human. Even Bill used to say to me, "I just wish I could die" and I had the same thought for his sake and mine on occasion. It is, I believe, a normal and common response to trauma and suffering. Now try to get back to sleep if you can and I am going to bed. I fell asleep in the chair and just woke up with the laptop on my lap and your message. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 Awwwwww Night Mary. Tears still falling here. But getting sleepy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 19, 2013 Report Share Posted March 19, 2013 Shannon, What Mary said is so true. I hope you slept well last night, and Leo too. Poor guy, I don't understand why some people have to go through so much. Big hugs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 I spent the day with Leo. (The day, meaning about 4hrs this afternoon) They are not certain why he had a seizure last night. He does have that in his history though neurologically. Just he hasn't had one in a while. He developed a high temp of 102 this morning, and lots of loose stools. They are treating him with Levaquin, and with Flagyl. Along with Tylenol for the temp. A stool culture was ordered. A chest x-ray was ordered. It appears he does not have pneumonia again, thank God. But the verdict is still out on the stool sample. But they are treating for C Diff. And any other infection that may be going on. Will hopefully know more in the morning. Exhausted and showered and going to watch a movie take meds and lay down. Oh the Dr got back to me about MY bloodwork. My thyroid is sluggish again so my Synthroid is being raised to 125mcg. And my hemoglobin is severely low. To the point he has referred me to a hemotologist and will be getting transfusions. Really??!! Anything else?!?! Good grief! But that does explain why I am so tired, getting sick a lot, my dizziness and falling, and my rapid heart rate and chest pain. There are not adequate red blood cells that carry oxygen, in my body to get it to all areas. Good night friends. *Mary... My thoughts prayers and heart are with you during these anniversary days ahead for you* Prayers and love to everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Oh, Dear Shannon, I am holding you so close in my heart. Dear, dear Shannon, what a time of sadness this is for you. I am glad you are home and resting. I had those endocrine problems as well. I am so glad your doctor is monitoring your health, and keeping your medications balanced. I feel we are all so blessed to be here with each other and hold each other. I am holding you right now, and I hope you are resting and healing, peacefully asleep, relaxed and comfortable. My love and prayers are with you, dear one. Blessings, dear Shannon. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Shannon, I hold you in the light. Sleep well. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 Grrrr. The sleep fairy apparently got stuck somewhere in traffic, because she did not show up in this household! Am up for the day wiped out. Will be going to sit with hubby in a few hours. For now, I think a hot bath is in order for these aching muscles. Some tea. And a good movie. Perhaps the sleep fairy will find her way here later when I get home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 20, 2013 Report Share Posted March 20, 2013 You and me both, Shannon, I wish I could have slept last night, have a storm coming and supposed to go to the eye doctor after work, can't wait to get home tonight. I hope the blood transfusion does it, you should see immediate results. I hope they get things figure out for Leo soon. You need some GOOD news! Keep us posted... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 Home very late. I admittedly stayed with Leo all day. He was in and out of it, but did not want me to go. So I stayed until 10 tonight. I perhaps am just trying to soak in those times when he actually wants me with him nd is not agitated or too confused. I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm pretty much getting to be a train wreck with flashbacks of my Mom's death. Going to lay down and listen to some quiet music. And pray. And when I mean pray... I mean talk to my Mom. I just wish I knew if she could ever hear me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 21, 2013 Report Share Posted March 21, 2013 It sounds like you had a good, if not long, day. I hope it was refreshing for you to be able to spend the day with Leo, and not taxing as you still have some healing to do. How are YOU doing physically? I like to think they can hear us...who knows but what the spirit world can do some things we can't. I talk to George all the time. It's funny, when he was alive, we talked about how we'd handle it if one of us died...yep, it's pretty much like that, I figured others would think us mad and haul us away, talking to ourselves like blithering idiots. Oh well, we have plenty of company, I guess most people DO talk to their deceased loved one. The one thing I hadn't figured on was getting remarried. But then I really had had no idea how I'd really feel...so lonely, desperate, scared...when a guy came along and sweet-talked me, I fell for it. How stupid was that! But then, looking back, I realize I wasn't in my normal frame of mind either, it was too soon, of all the people to do this, why me! But I've learned a lot from the whole thing, even my mistakes. And I know George would be the last to judge. He was always my biggest fan, cheering me on, encouraging me, understanding me, loving me. And I know he'd be proud of how I've handled so many things...and understanding of my mistakes. He'd be mad at John...John's actually lucky George can't reach him! John had better hope he goes to the lower place because he really wouldn't want to have to face George in heaven! Seriously, George would stand up for me and reassure me. And I miss him. Just like you do your mom. I never had a mom that was capable of love, so I don't know what that's like. But I got a wonderful husband, if only for a little while, before he had to leave. So many people never had what we did, I guess it's okay I only got him a little while, at least I had him. It's a whole lot more than someone who was married 50 years but never had the love that we did. Okay, I've rambled on now, sorry! You haven't been on here today so I hope you aren't too worn out and you're doing okay. I know this gets tough the closer you get to the anv. of your mom's death. I wonder why it's like that for us, the anv. of death is so hard for us. It's like how we're feeling gets amplified or something when really it's just another day. But figurative though it may be, it means something to us, and it does loom big. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 22, 2013 Report Share Posted March 22, 2013 Shannon, I hope the transfusion helps you and that you got some sleep. It is so hard to leave the bedside...I remember sitting in Bill's room or even crawling into bed with him at the hospital and not wanting to leave. I would read as he slept or try to read and when I walked out to my car tears rolled down my cheeks...and the drive home was a blur...an hour on icy roads but I made it almost daily...a couple of days the snow stopped me. Be careful, take care of yourself. YOu do not want to get so sick that you can't visit. BTW I talk to Bill all the time...I believe he hears me and cares and loves me and watches over me. I believe your mom does also. I talk to others I love who have died also...a long long list and believe they hear me. I call them all my gang. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2013 Kay, you didn't ramble on darlin... I quite enjoy reading about yours and Mary's and others love story's. I am still waiting on the appointment for the hemotologist. Leo was very quiet and more confused today. I can't really predict how he will be day to day. I so miss his goofy side though. He has lost that wonderful side for the most part. I'm bypassing watching Netflix or even eating... I'm going right to taking my meds and going to bed. Of course not without "talking" to my dear Mom in Heaven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 22, 2013 Report Share Posted March 22, 2013 Dear Shannon, I am thinking of you every day and sending prayers. Please do take care of yourself and take all the good advice coming your way from others here, dear one. I am spending days with my Goddaughter right now, but will try to check in here every morning before I leave home. I hope you in my heart, and send you all love and blessings. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2013 I really can't take much more. I just want to give up. It's not a want, it's like I'm just overwhelmed with Leo and overwhelmed with April 1st and missing my Mom. I'm not giving up. But it sure would be easy to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2013 Just cryi g and crying and crying..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 23, 2013 Report Share Posted March 23, 2013 Dear Shannon, I am hearing you tonight and just want you to know that you are tucked in my heart. Remember, all feelings are just fine and you do need to let them come. I so wish you did not have to go through this. Please know that you are not alone. We are traveling right along with you. hugs and peace Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2013 Report Share Posted March 23, 2013 Shannon, I sure understand...but I'm also glad to hear you say you are not giving up. Gosh I can't count the time I felt that way. I know what you mean by it'd be easy to do. But we have to keep going. Try to remember Leo's humor, even if he isn't up to expressing it right now. I hope you were able to sleep last night...and can tonight. Let us know what you will get your transfusion, I don't understand why they're waiting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2013 I just spent 4hrs in the ER. Combination of things. Panic attack, very high BP, nausea, vomiting, some loose stools, pain from head to toe. Very anemic... Already knew that. My fibromyalgia is acting up. Got two big bags of IV stuff and Ativan and Zofran. Home almost 3am feel like I've been hit by a truck physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I REALLY WANT MY MOM!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 23, 2013 Report Share Posted March 23, 2013 Dear Shannon, Is it time for you to take a day off from your life,and either go get a massage, get your hair done, walk in the forest, go out for a delicious and healthy meal, listen to what YOU want for the day? I wish I had done this when Doug was last in the hospital, instead of spending every moment I could with him. I lost myself, my sense of my body, my own needs, entirely. Can you step back, even for half a day, have one of your in-laws stay with Leo, and go on a one-day self-care retreat and rest just for you? It might really help. Darcy has had two transfusions. We are getting things ready at their house for her surgery in a couple of weeks, and meanwhile, she is feeling a little stronger. I hope your transfusions are helping you, and that you are getting enough rest. I worry that you are so busy trying to be there for Leo that you are not being there for yourself. Please take time to sit quietly and listen to what YOU need. This is an incredibly painful time for you, with Leo not doing well, the anniversary of your dear Mom's murder coming up, and your slowly recovering health. Please be as mindful of what YOU need as you can, dear one. I am praying for you every day, and holding you in my heart. You are a precious, sensitive person, and you need to give yourself as much love and compassion as you can each day. Much Love, {{{hugs}}} and Blessings to you, dear Shannon. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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