I Talk To Him

[Conbon20]

Does anyone out there still talk to their departed spouse? My husband of 46 years passed away in January. I miss him so very much. I find that I will wake up in the middle of the night and be talking to him and telling him how much I still love him and how much I still miss him. Sometimes, I will wake up and say to him.......... "I think I dreamed of you dear" I look at a sign he posted for me that I seemed to hate at the time. It says "keep on keeping on" and I tell him "I'm trying Dear but it's so hard without you". This is the first time in my life that I have been physically alone. Sometimes it just helps to talk to him.

[mfh]

Conbon20, I talk to Bill every day. Out loud. I dream of him and sometimes waken in tears and sometimes it is bittersweet waking up feeling we were together again. Losing a spouse is very difficult...I need not tell you that. You might be interested in going to Marty's site ( www.griefhealing.com) as there are lots and lots of articles, book references, a blog, and more there. Very helpful.

Peace

Mary

Keep talking to him...I believe he hears you.

[enna]

I do, Conbon20. And as Mary said, there are hundreds of sites on www.griefhealing.com that will guide you on your journey. Everything - well almost everything - is 'normal' to a grieving spouse. I understand 'physically alone' dear Conbon 20. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

I talk to Pete all the time. We were married for fifty years and I too have never been alone. Pete was my soul mate and I'm lost without him, but I know I have to carry on. It's so so hard but you will count one blessing and that is that you have found this community. Please let us know more about your husband. What is his name? Where do you live? I live in England. I'm just going out (nine am here) to look in Pete's moth trap and identify any moths (and release them). I talk to Pete when I do it. I find this a bitter sweet experience especially when I can't decided what kind of moth I'm looking at and I know Pete would know immediately. My life without Pete is utterly changed but I cling on to the things which connect me with him.

[melina]

I talk to my husband all the time. How lucky you were to have had 46 years. We had 30, but I'm also struggling with this feeling of being alone.

I ask my husband for help, especially when I'm worried about our sons. Sometimes I just talk to him, asking what he thinks, how he is, and complain a little about how lonely and tired I am. I guess this is natural when someone has been at your side for half a lifetime.

Melina

[feralfae]

I am sorry you are struggling with being alone. I don't know when we move past that feeling. I know it is still a daily struggle for me. Yes, I think it is natural to feel this aloneness when we have been so very together. I talk to Doug a lot. I usually ask in my night prayers any questions I need answered, and often, the morning brings an answer. I also talk to Doug when I am out in the forest, working in the yard, and even as I sort things to pack or to give away. There are days when I feel as though I am talking to Doug all day long, just asking for is support, that he keep on caring for me and protecting me, and also to let him know I love him. And I often ask for emotional peace, and for help in handling life's ups and downs.

It has been 15 months, so there are still occasionally mornings when I wake up and expect him to be here, although that happens less often now. I am still struggling with working in the gardens and forest alone. I miss Doug's decisiveness, and also his strength to do things I cannot easily do. I feel so diminished by Doug's absence that there are times when I feel barely able to cope with things around me, and I, too, reach out to talk with Doug, ask his advice, try to intuit what he would do if he were here, and hope some help will arrive from him somehow. Sometimes, help arrives.

I think it is entirely natural for us to talk to our Beloved. I also think that the separation is such a thin line of being that we can do this, and that there is a true connection that still exists for us. Some days, early on, that was all that kept me going, was having that gentle, quiet sense of a true connection. I still have that, thank goodness.

I hope this Mother's Day is a special one for you, with peace and the comfort and love of so many wonderful memories.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[LarrysGirl]

Its been almost 7 years for me and I talk to Larry all the time. I ask him to help me when I can't go on, ask him to show me where things are when I can't find them and ask him to look over me and Maggie (our dog). Sometimes its thru tears and sometimes its as if he is here with me. I believe they are watching over us, Deborah

[mfh]

I was putting laundry away today and frustrated for lack of space. This is a 1952 house which means only one walk in closet near the front door (and lucky to have that but this house was built to show off all the new things going into houses-they don't seem new to me! . Our last house had closets large enough in all four bedrooms (2 used as offices) that I used one for a sewing room...though I never sewed in it Not much for sewing! Bill and I designed the house. So today, I got brave, went into Bill's office (now a guest room) and opened the closet where he kept his clothes and which is packed with his clothes on hangars and on the floor about 5 clear plastic bags of clean clothes the hospital sent home with me (mostly pjs, robe, etc. along with some piles of neatly folded clothes. I have no memory of how they got there along with his shoes etc. I decided to remove the ones on the floor hoping to get the courage to go through them to make sure there is nothing I want to keep. I got them as far as the bed and floor of the room through a river of tears and talking out loud to him and had to turn out the light, close the door and leave. It is a start...I KNOW I will leave some of his clothes, a couple of his favorite shirts and who knows what else, there forever. It is a comfort to me. I do NOT need to "move on" and leave him behind. I never will. I carry him in my heart...forever. I couldn't if I tried. I DO have to create a new life and I am working on that challenge...at my own pace.

So his office is now a royal mess and that is fine. All the pictures that need hanging are in there also. I have two friends, as well as the painter, who offered to help with those. I will get my trusty electric drill and do some of the small ones. Again, because it is a 50s house, I have plaster walls which means drilling holes before putting in picture hangers.

Time to get out of here after over three days alone, get groceries in the house, return my hearing aid experimental demo to Costco...all of that a four hour task. Late this afternoon I volunteer at the food pantry...a good reminder to me of how blessed I am that I do not have to go to food pantries to survive. I see this as a sacred task as well.

[kayc]

Does anyone out there still talk to their departed spouse?

Only all the time!

[kayc]

Mary, if it's any consolation, George STILL has clothes in our camping trailer (I cleaned out the one he used to stay in near his job, but haven't touched the one we used to camp in) and I honestly can't bear to go in there. He picked the trailer out and together we redid the inside, we had so many wonderful trips in it, it's just too hard. I'm hoping someday my son will take it away and him and his wife can do what they want with it, but for me, I just can't bear to do anything with it.

[mfh]

Thanks, Kay. I am not in a hurry. If I had a ton of closet space...I would just keep them all but in reality...someone could be using them...some have never been worn...new khakis, new underwear still in packages. We shall see when I walk back into that room. It is all over the space in there now, so I have to do something with it.

[Wifflesnook]

I I find it very comforting that three years on (and many more for Kay) you still don't feel you have to move his clothes. Pete has half the cupboards in our bedroom and they are untouched. I just can't even think about moving them. I just want them to stay where,they are. As when I tried to get rid of some of my own clothes, as one does from time to time, I found I couldn't bear to chuck out clothes that I'd worn with Pete. So I shall just leave this task for another day which may never even come, and someone else will.have to do it.

[mfh]

Exactly, Jan! It is the last thing to be concerned about.

Mary

[Conbon20]

I talk to Pete all the time. We were married for fifty years and I too have never been alone. Pete was my soul mate and I'm lost without him, but I know I have to carry on. It's so so hard but you will count one blessing and that is that you have found this community. Please let us know more about your husband. What is his name? Where do you live? I live in England. I'm just going out (nine am here) to look in Pete's moth trap and identify any moths (and release them). I talk to Pete when I do it. I find this a bitter sweet experience especially when I can't decided what kind of moth I'm looking at and I know Pete would know immediately. My life without Pete is utterly changed but I cling on to the things which connect me with him.

Hi Jan C,

Thanks for responding to my post. It's so kind of you to ask about my husband. He was a remarkable man. He grew up during the depression in Oklahoma. That so formed much of what he was. He would always buy extra canned goods or toilet paper and store it away. I'd ask him about it and he'd say.... It's our reserve - we may need it. He and his family moved to California when he was young and his mother got him into dance lessons and acting lessons. He was in many of the "Little Rascals" films and other films. Later, he became interested in Al Jolson - the great singer of the time - so Woody did impersonations of Al Jolson and was very popular. His real passion was magic. He did stage shows all across the country and I have posters and memorabilia showing him doing his magic. Later on after we were married, he taught magic to kids in our home which he enjoyed. He loved radio too and after serving in Korea, was employed at a radio station on the island of GUAM. I could go on and on but as you can see, he loved to entertain people in any genre and I was so proud of him. After he passed away, I had one of his posters and a caricature framed of him. I have it up on my wall so I find myself throwing him kisses each day. I miss him so very much. Thanks for letting me tell you about him. Connie

[feralfae]

Dear Connie,

Was his name Woody? He must have been a wonderful person to share life, so much open and caring personality shining from him! Some of my family is from Oklahoma, and they grew up during the depression there. Fortunately, they were able to hold on to the land, just barely. I think people who grew up at that time were frugal and saving just out of habit. Actually, I was glad to have learned some of those habits from my uncles.

Please do tell us more. Such wonderful histories deserve to be shared, savored, and praised by those of us who appreciate people who lived authentically. And you will find many of those people here. MY husband was an ornithologist, an Alpinist of some repute (lots of first ascents) and an epistemologist He was also a marvelous character, served as auctioneer, and was a remarkable story teller and story maker.

So, please, consider this a safe and welcoming place to tell us all about your dear husband, your life together, and about you. We all sit around this fire and share stories, some happy, some sad, some simply our stories. Welcome to this Tribe.

Blessings and fairy dustings of love and peace *<twinkles>*

fae

[LarrysGirl]

Thanks for sharing him with us Connie. Its important to be able to write about the ones we love, we love listening, Deborah

and as far as closets, now 7 yrs. he clothes are still in his drawers, clothes hung in the closet, all of his favorite jackets still in the closet by the stairs, I did have to get rid of the clothes from the hospital, I couldn't bear it any longer but thats just me, everyone has there own way and time. People around me cannot believe I haven't moved anything, it doesn't even affect me anymore, their turn will come....

[mfh]

Dear Connie, Thank you for telling us about your husband. He sounds like an incredible man who was very giving with his talents. I do know you miss him and always will. I have a painting a friend did of Bill, looks exactly like him, and I talk to him while looking at that as his kindness shows through in it. I know at 73 that Bill will always and forever remain the love of my life and that I shall see him again as you shall see your husband...it is the waiting that is difficult. Thanks again for sharing and do feel free to share more as you choose. You might like going back to former posts of those in this circle and learn more about their stories. I did that when I joined so that i felt a bit more clued in and it was a good distraction. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

Connie,

Wow, he must have been a fascinating person! I love hearing everyone's stories about their spouse. They were special people or we wouldn't be here missing them. My dad served in Korea too. And to have performed in The Rascals! Wow, that is special!

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about getting rid of their stuff, what's the hurry! If it helps to get rid of it, do it. If it helps to keep it, do that. It's about whatever is most comfortable for us and phooey with what anyone else thinks!

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Connie

Your husband sounds like an amazing person, and I can truly empathise with the huge huge hole that is in your life now. Like Mary I went back over people's posts because some of us post on here quite often as once we have found it it becomes like a home from home. We wish we weren't here but since we are, we are grateful for each other. Please tell us more and feel free to be open in your feelings. No one can do what we want, which is bring back the beloved husband or wife, but here you have found people who can share your feelings. Jan

[mfh]

I am with Kay. I will probably deal with the items I removed from the closet soon and leave the hanging clothes indefinitely...slowly I will deal with them in my own way which is how we each need to deal with our losses, our choices and our grief.

[Wifflesnook]

I tidied a kitchen drawer today and found an old electric shaver of Pete's. I sniffed it and it still smelt of him so I replaced it. Only a bereaved spouse would understand so I know you all will.

[mfh]

I do understand, Jan. I found a few things of Bill's when I started through his closet...I mean besides clothes...and it is powerful. REST! Mary

[feralfae]

Dears,

Oh, Jan, Doug's toothbrush is still in its usual place, his hair brush is still in its usual place. His coins and keys tray is still in its usual place, with coins and keys. His dresser is still as it was when he left.

We get to do this on our own time schedule, thank goodness.

I am really tired, the accountant is done, we have final of the NFP return, and I may go find treat like gf/df chips and hummus. I am really tired. I will pace myself better tomorrow. And the rest of the week.

Mary, I was so glad to read that Bentley is keeping food down. You both need lots of rest and love. I imagine it was kennel stress. On top of painter stress. On top of Mommy stress. You both need a stay-cation. {{{hugs}}} I hope you can do that for a few days.

I think that there are few places where we will not find memories. But at least sometimes now, I smile instead of bursting out in floods of tears. It os getting a little easier to bear.

I must go rest for a while. I am relieved to hear good news, and love you all.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, so glad you are resting. I think you and I have a bad habit of overscheduling. Now I have had 3 years to come to terms with this and I do better but am far from where I want to be. So now it is your turn to master this scheduling issue.

Yes, Bill's jacket is hanging on the hook inside the kitchen door alcove, his toothbrush is still in his side of the medicine cabinet and until Sunday his clothes were all where they were. I will do this in my time as will we all and who cares what anyone else does or thinks.

Bentley is still ok after his first food which he woofed down including the pill wrapped in canned food. She told me to do that because if it starts to melt in his mouth he will foam big time..nasty pill. No diarrhea since 10:30am. No trips to the yard except normal pee runs. I have to be with him all week. I think it was the pumpkin...that is my gut and just now a friend called to see how we both were and she said pumpkin gives her diarrhea. I do think stress also...as he saw me stressed from the MD when I got back and the kennel is stressful....I am meditating my head off but today fell asleep each time. I slept a long time this afternoon but need more. Yes, I have a stay cation....I canceled life outside of the house for the week. Thank you so much.

REST REST REST REST...take calendar...scratch off 60% of what is on it.

Mary

[feralfae]

maybe 80% for me, as my work day is truly just finally winding down and I refuse to respond to any more emails tonight. we used to do this sometimes until 10 or 11, all work-related.

we were nuts. no, actually, having fun and playing almost all the time.

rest. sleep. nap. restore. heel. heal. relax. relax forehead and eyebrows. wag tail.

for your two tired puppies.

fae