I Need Your Help

[MartyT]

Sharing this message with you, Chris, in hopes that it will help a bit:

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Stay in this day, this moment. You don't know how you will feel tomorrow or the next day. You won't know what next year will feel like until you get there. All you know is how you feel today so stay with it. Absorb it. Honor it. Let it be . . . for today.

[boogieman]

I went back to bed at 6:30 am out of sheer frustration and boredom. Slept until noon when the phone woke me. I still can't allow the answering machine to pick-up as My Paula's voice is on the message. I still can't allow myself to hear her voice. I know positively it would send me off again.

It is already 101* here so another day of solitary confinement lies ahead with absolutely nothing to do or look forward to. Wouldn't do anything anyway, even if it demanded.

I try desperately to cope with the misery and loneliness. I don't expect anyone to voluntarily fill this massive hole in my life and heart.

I knew the time was coming when family and friends would become wrapped-up in their own productive obligations. Knew I would be relegated to a lesser important position in their lives, which is as it should be. Knew it and still not ready to admit or accept that truth. My Paula was the only one to hold me in such high regard, even above her own, the vast majority of our brief time together.

But here it is, like it or not. I just am not prepared for being so alone and lonely for the rest of my pitiful existence. I imagine I never will fully accept the horrible truth.

I am all alone in my suffering, loneliness and grief.

[enna]

Marty, I think the quote above is inspiring. So important for us to stay in the moment. Thank you for it.

Chris, these deeply sad times will pass - patience. Thoughts will come and go. Allow them to be what they are and then blow them away. Sadness does not last forever. We learn over time to accept the emptiness. Believe me, there are happy times. Anne

[kayc]

It's ironic...you can't bear to hear Paula's voice on the machine, and I lament that I lost George's voice on mine.

[lilacsandladybugs]

It can be difficult to hear the voice Chris. I am fortunate to have the ability 'and' desire to hear Kathy. Sometimes when I am on a trip, I'll call my home just to hear her sweet voice. This is going to be hard for some to understand, but I have a few people in my life who are "so over" her passing and would like to have me meet some other lady (as if), so for them, I like to have Kathy answer the phone if just to get them to give that up. And another thing, before her dad died, he would call my house just to hear his daughters voice. He told me that once. Of course she's gone but I look at her pictures still. Visual.......audio, what does it matter really? They are who they are, still just as much a part of our lives. I am so sorry you lost George's voice kayc. I hope somewhere you have a video or something to listen too once and again. I made a copy of the answering machine. (just in case).

Chris, I hear so much pain in your words. I'm sorry for how it is. I hope you can come to belive that all of this was not directed at you. Death has no reason. It is not an entity in itself. It just is what it is and none of us who have been where you are now, ever deserved the pain. If it were a punishment, it would be reserved for the worst souls in hell. That is not what you or any of us are.

We're only guilty of loveing some one that deeply.

If you look back at yesterday, you are suffering just as badly today. One day, you will find you can look back at a year ago or more perhaps and see that you are not quite as bad off as you were. Hang in there my friend. The road is a long one but you are not traveling it alone.

Stephen

[boogieman]

Thanks for the support Stephen. Not many guys here. It's 3:00 am, a particularly difficult time for me personally. And once again here I am, unable to sleep for missing My Paula so greatly. I still have no idea how to cope with or incorporate any of the recent past into what is left of my shattered existence. I seem to make it through every day not having a clue as to how I managed it. And the nights are by far the worst times of all, and I can't even escape them through sleep. If this isn't the definitive punishment it surely is a direct result of the life sentence I serve for loving My Paula to the exclusion of all else and then loosing her in such a horrible fashion. The results are the same either way. Even seeing my counselor weekly does little to belay my stress an anxiety. No matter the time of day or night, the pain, longing, and loneliness are always right there.

I know I am by no means the first, last, or only person to travel this god forsaken path. But it surely does feel that way most of the time. No matter what I do, where I turn, or any means I use to lessen this agony has proven most ineffective indeed. I return to the fact that I am by no means sure I can withstand this pain, loneliness, and agony for an even longer extended time period.

Even the supposed "good news" from my doctor last week that I have no health issues saddened me. I actually wanted there to be some issue that would allow me to be with My Paula sooner than later. How can that be considered "rational" ? I still feel disheartened by that fact almost two weeks later. There is obviously something seriously wrong here. And what is " wrong" is that My Paula is not here with me. And the prospects of a long relative healthy life I find disturbing and unsettling. That is not what I want as it keeps me separated from My Paula.

So here I am at 3:30 in the morning banging away on this keyboard not soundly sleeping, not nestled in the arms of, and not next to the love of my life. I have yet to gain any understand of how to make that truth and this pitiful life acceptable.

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

You are still very early on this journey, and so it is hard to find any peace or comfort yet. Just take it one day at a time, and allow any good to come in to your life that you can find. I am sorry it is so hot and you can't go outside much, because being out in nature was one of the things that helped me make it through the first year. I would sit on a bench out in the forest and just sob for hours.

For today:

Drink lots of water

Write in your journal

Find one guided meditation here on the meditation thread

Let yourself take naps

Eat healthy, fresh, organic fruits and vegetables

Find a funny and /or comforting film to watch

Find a book you might be able to read. I read everything Madeline L'Engle wrote during the first six months after Doug left, even the children's books. Mostly the children's books, as it was all I could comprehend, but at least they brought some gentle, kindly, and helpful messages into my heart.

Sit and breathe slowly and deeply, feeling your breath enter your body and spread out to your fingers and toes. Then feel the breath slowly leave your body. Feel your lungs filling and emptying. Do this slowly, at least ten times, then have a glass of clean water.

Have you talked with anyone yet about St. John's Wort?

I am so sorry you are in such a painful and lonely place. I wish we could all be there with you for today, to talk with you, hold your hand, and help you to feel a little better. Please do know that we are all thinking of you, hoping you are finding moments of peace and acceptance, and that you can still your mind, give your heart a bit of a rest from the pain, and distract yourself with a few minutes of peace.

This is a terribly difficult and painful journey. The emptiness itself is painful. I am so fortunate that I have videos of Doug, lots of photos, and they really helped when I was able to watch the videos after about 18 months. Don't push yourself, and if things such as hearing Your Paula's voice are too painful for you to hear, then protect yourself from being pulled back into trauma by not listening. It was too painful for me to have a lot of Doug's voice or even photos for a while. You will figure out what helps you.

Meanwhile, keep reading a lot of the material Marty and others share here. It will help you to sort your feelings, know that you are NOT ALONE, and we have all walked the pain and suffering, and we still are. A bit later on, you will begin to have a little more peace and a little less pain, but it takes a while.

You are still here, Chris, because there is more for you to do on Earth. Someday, we will all understand this better.

I wish you some moments of peace today, and hope you can find some things that will help you to take care of you. You are a precious being, and you have a lot to offer, and more living to do. Just take it one day at a time, and know that Your Paula is watching and helping you.

Blessings and Peace today, Chris.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

fae is right, and has given you some good suggestions. I do remember feeling just like you feel, in the early days. To do life without George seemed indeed a sentence! I know my family lives well into their 90s (my mom is 91) and I had no desire to do another 40 years without him, the thought was unbearable! I had to learn to shove that thought out of my head and just take one day at a time. God gives us grace to bear what is ours to, and I ask for that grace daily. Also, as I am not set financially, that was another concern...I lost my job after he died and although I found a new one within two weeks of losing my unemployment, it has turned out to be very unstable, and they keep cutting me back to one day/wk, which I can't live on. Without George to share in life with, the good and the bad, it has been very hard. But I feel him telling me I can do it, encouraging me and helping me go on. I have absolutely no idea what my purpose in life is, even after eight years, other than being here for my animals. It was different when George was alive. But sometimes I think WE may not know our purpose, but that doesn't lessen it in the least...I try to remember what a different outcome each person's life might be like if I were not in it...sometimes we impact others more than we think, our kids, friends, just people that we know...and that seems to be part of my purpose too.

[lilacsandladybugs]

You are truly a good soul Fae. Chris, these are wise words indeed. While you are where you are right now, remember this. We have all been in that place and time. I said it before, but I will say it again. At first, I wanted to die. Then it evolved into just wishing something would happen and I would just go and be able to be with her. Then I evolved further to where I am now.........okay to die, but ready to live. I have no fear of death. That ended the day Kathy left. The one thing I know for certain, is that I will go on living for whatever time there is, doing whatever I can to celebrate life and help others as she would have wanted to see me do. Kathy will always be with me. You spoke of signs that she was still around you and in your home. Let me tell you about that. I went into such a regression last month that I thought I was back at the beginning. When I started to think about what made me slip back, I figured out the cause. For so long after Kathy left (her heaven day I call it), she was always turning on lights and ceiling fans. She even locked her car and turned on it's alarm inside my garage one night with the keys still inside. The nights before both her parents died, a flurry of activity occurred. She was letting me know that they had passed. After each one of them left, she would be gone for as much as a month. I feared I would never hear from her again. She always came back though. For the last four months, everything has stopped. I went in to a funk so deep, I could hardly function. I know I have no right to ask her to come back, perhaps she never will. I do know now that I still have her with me. She is inside me. I have become a different person, I realize that I am not just Steve, but a man who has been changed by so many years that he has become a little of two people. That is me now. I will go on doing things we always wanted to do. I will experience life in her honor for to not would be an injustice to her. I will be with her once again. I have no doubt about that because you see, I believe in the spirit of the soul. After all of that, how could I not?

There is still such a hard journey ahead. I know for me, there will still be sad times. It never truly ends, not when you have loved so deeply. I hope like me, you can embrace that pain as a testament to how much you love her.

With deep love, comes the risk of loss. There are two kinds of people in a love like that, those that die, and those who sleep alone.

One day you will sleep again though not every night.

Stephen

[boogieman]

Thank you all. This is so much deeper and more complicated than imagined. Being curious by nature these weighty issues ramble into and out of my thought processes continually. Never sure what, or when, but almost constantly. A usual, when I lay down my mind goes into over-drive trying to sort out and rationalize the issues my sub-conscience has stored.

I finally fell asleep from exhaustion this morning at 4:30 am or so. Woke at noon with a splitting headache, which is normal for me. It is 111* here today so outside is off-limits, again. Not able to concentrate enough to read more than a paragraph or so at a time. Same with my crossword books. Nothing on TV worth my attention. So with a lot of time on my hands, I naturally turn to My Paula. More questions than possible answers.

As to my health issues , I too am more than ready and willing to be with My Paula. Even long for that. Prefer that.

My BP has temporarily settled at around 115 over 72 or so. Good news but not what I wanted to hear. Go figure.

In the mean-time I have to suffer through this time of great sorrow and loneliness with no hope or desire to do so.

I used to say "the trip was as important as the destination". Now, the destination is all I focus on. The trip too hard to endure.

I haven't had a sign from My Paula in too long a time now. No doorbells ringing, no hummingbirds. Those meager communications gave me some modicum of hope. Just as with our children, I know she has obligations and responsibilities in Heaven. Not having those signs from her, my demeanor lessens toward despair. What if the last one was the last one? Too difficult to accept.

I suppose I am somehow dealing with being so lonely. I'm still here after-all. And I hate , loathe, and detest every single moment of it. I know I will never accept this as acceptable. I try unsuccessfully to become and remain calm. Can't overcome the constant immediate knowledge that My Paula is truly gone.

So another long hot day unfolds around me with me being nothing more than an unwilling observer.

[feralfae]

Chris, are you able to go into a restaurant or coffee shop yet, preferable one you have never, ever entered before?

If not, that is okay. Your pain is still very raw and you are grieving very deeply. I could not find any refuge from my pain for many months, and of course it was complicated by the robberies and my cauda equina. Be patient, and let yourself cry, cry, cry. Wail and sob. Curl up in a ball and whimper. Let it out, as much as you can.

And drink water. Please stay hydrated, especially in the aridity and heat where you live. Make a caring gesture to yourself today, Chris, just one, and let us know about it, okay? One special thing just for you.

I have just rescued myself from being on a ladder, with pruning shears and loppers, when I am not even allowed on ladders at all. Our pain gets in the way of our awareness, and today is the 19th month anniversary of my Beloved, Magnificent, Wonderful, Brilliant, and Honorable Husband leaving his body. I am still having trouble accepting that he is gone. I hate this. I loathe and detest it. I would kill it if I could, but I cannot lighten the pain that way: I must help to heal it instead. I hate not having Doug here. I don't know how to live solo. But it is where I am today, and a year ago, I was still hoping maybe I would die. I had not yet found this fire, with Marty and the Tribe. (Sounds like a rock band!) *<twinkles>*

When I found this place, I was totally lost, angry, and just about ready to produce one of my own fantasies and maybe drive the car at high speed into the Missouri River where I knew there was a deep spot. We are here to rescue ourselves, to heal our spirits, to find new balance, and to start to heal, molecule by molecule. At a cellular level, I think it takes more than a year to leave behind the sense of another sharing our space in life. I am certainly not there yet: Doug is still synthesized with my physical being at a cellular level in many ways. But I am learning new balance as I walk back from the edge. I think I will be all right some day. I really do.

So, rescue yourself for five or ten minutes today, by doing one loving thing for yourself that Your Paula would do for you if She were here. Show her you love her by being loving to yourself. See how it feels, okay?

Bless you, I think most of us here do know how much your heart is hurting. So many of us here have complicated, multi-layered stories we tell, all the hurts, no matter how they got there, are a part of this tearing, this amputation, this rebuilding who we are becoming now.

Give yourself some love today, Chris.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

She will do it as long as you need it...when she know you no longer need it, she may stop, but don't fear, you have her utmost confidence in you to carry you.

[boogieman]

Its 10:00 pm. I waited all day for promised company to come so I wouldn't have to be so alone another day. I haven't even eaten today in order to treat that company to a meal out. No show.

So I admit I am beaten. The struggle is too great. The relentless onslaught of sadness, sorrow, and loneliness wins. I concede it.

I tried all day to ease and calm myself. Stayed inside and quiet. Drank plenty of fluids. Worked a few crosswords. Watched several movies. Was cordial to family that texted off and on several times. I tried every trick I know and could think of to not fall apart. Didn't work.

I am sick and tired of sitting alone in this house and crying. I don't have the energy to go on. I am exhausted and hungry so the only solution in my troubled mind is to go to bed where I can toss and turn, wrestle with the loneliness, and wait until sometime tomorrow morning before falling asleep from exhaustion again. I don't know what else to do.

[mfh]

Dear Chris, I am so sorry your guests never showed up or even called. People sometimes do not comprehend how important those visits are when we are grieving. I hear your fatigue and frustration with your grieving process. It IS frustrating and lonely. As helpful as my friends are and this group is, it is still a lonely journey. I wonder if you are still seeing your therapist. I have missed a lot of posts due to my eye surgeries so perhaps you have mentioned that but I am just wondering if you are seeing that person and getting some one on one assistance there. I know it helped me a lot during those early months. I am sorry you are hurting so much and sleeping so poorly. I know about all of that as I went through it also as has all of us. We all understand grief now....real grief. I wish you some peaceful moments tonight and tomorrow.

Mary

[boogieman]

Thanks Mary. Hope your surgeries are all that you hoped for. My mother has had both of her eyes done with great success.

It's well after 2:15 am and here I sit again banging on this keyboard. Which means another agonizingly long hot day tomorrow.

And yes, I see the counselor weekly. It has been three weeks and I am not entirely sure of progress. I do find that just talking to someone who understands helps greatly. The free and open communication allows me to share thoughts and issues not accepted or understood by outsiders, even family. As far as I know, she has not seemed "shocked" by any thought I have aired to date. I take that as a good sign when there is so little positive around.

[mfh]

Chris, I am so glad you are seeing the therapist. Yes, just having a place to talk freely with an understanding and accepting person is one of the biggest benefits. No one can take your pain away but having people to share it helps tremendously. I guess we are both banging on the keyboards tonight. I am going to attempt sleep now...I drink herbal tea when I can't sleep and it does help a bit. Thankfully those repeated sleepless nights have ended for me a long time ago but I will never forget them. I use an iPod when I can't sleep. I download public radio programs to it through iTunes and set the timer to turn it off after 60 or 90 minutes depending on how wide awake I am....I usually never am awake the entire 60 minutes and on a rare night like tonight I set it 2 times and am still awake. Frustrating. I hope your sleepless nights start to wind down soon.

[lilacsandladybugs]

cmon kids, let's go to bed

[lilacsandladybugs]

_{Sorry you had a rough day Chris. I found that taking a walk sometimes helps. Just be sure it's a safe environment to do so. Maybe in the morning, you could do that if you stayed up all night. When you get tired enough, sleep will come. I hope you took the last post as what it is, a little humor in the middle of the night.}

[mfh]

I missed your kids go to bed post. I had gone to bed......finally.

[kayc]

I don't think Chris can go for walks due to his injuries, isn't that right, Chris?

Chris, I am so sorry your company didn't show! That is so hard, esp. for grievers. People just don't know how hard it is to be alone all the time, esp. when our hearts hurt. I hope you finally ate something. I hope you heard from your guest eventually, at least letting you know they weren't coming. Do you think they may have had the dates mixed up? Did you try calling them? I'm glad you have a counselor/therapist to talk to and that seems to help. We need someone to bounce things off of!

[boogieman]

While taking walks sounds peaceful, I just can't manage them. Just going to the grocery store left me sore and hurting. I have lost 50 # so it is easier to get around, but my old back injuries and arthritic joints protest mightily. And it has been 105*-113* here. Never below 80* in the early mornings. Welcome to Texas.

Stephen, I heeded your admonition about bedtime but was already in bed! I slept fairly well until 7:30 or so. Back hurting so time to get up.

My company yesterday was to be our DIL Bobbie. She was coming while Greg and Brasen went Dove hunting. No call, but it's OK. She and Greg have their own issues to deal with. I understand. And no, I didn't call her. That could possibly reek of desperation and I won't add that obligation to their already busy lives.

Besides being the North Texas Regional Facilities Coordinator (1/4 of the state), Greg has been tapped to fill those duties for the West Texas Region (another 1/4+ of the state) as well, on a temporary basis, about 3 months, while the state interviews for the position. Greg held that position before getting a transfer to here last November. He has his hands full. I am so very proud of him.

At bedtime I find a particularly boring movie on TV for the background noise. Mostly to help cover the constant tinnitus which is worsening. Otherwise the ringing keeps me awake.

Besides the grieving so deeply, I have several getting older issues to deal with. In total, quite a lot to deal with on a constant basis. But I know I'm not alone despite my whining.

So another long hot day awaits. Greg and Bobbie say they will be by later today to do the yard for me. I will just have to wait and see, won't I. It is football day so maybe I can get distracted for at least part of the day. Not doing anything else anyway. Maybe a nap later on. Who knows. Certainly not me.

[lilacsandladybugs]

Yes, I understand now about the walking. I sometimes miss out or forget things. You know Chris, I sleep with such an irregular pattern. I wake up at odd hours no longer sleepy but go back to sleep eventually. The nap thing is important. I hope like me, you can just sleep when you can and try to get as much as your body needs. Grieving does drain us.

[kayc]

I had to smile at the "getting older issues", yes we do all have them, we're at that age. After everything I did yesterday, I was pretty worthless today...was gone about five hours to church this morning as I had morning worship team practice before and choir practice after church, makes a long day of it. I can't believe how quickly the day has gone and all I accomplished was making banana bread for my son and doing the dishes after dinner. Of course the usually walking Arlie, but nothing big like yesterday.

I'm sorry about your DIL, I don't think it's ever out of line to call and ask someone if they're coming, just so you know what to do accordingly, not to put pressure, but just to know if you should go ahead and eat. Hopefully they'll drop by soon and make up for it.

[boogieman]

Greg and Bobbie came over today to do the yard for me. She apologized about yesterday and told me that I should have called her. Go figure. They came about noon and stayed until 5:00 pm. Greg and I watched some football too. It was 106* here again today. We had a bite of late lunch and a very nice visit. Emily is supposed to be over tomorrow evening. Seems my company comes in bunches. Several, then none for an extended period. Needless to say my spirits are somewhat higher than prior to today.

Hopefully I can sleep some tonight. I never know.

Chris

[kayc]

I'm glad...I hope you slept!