I Need Your Help

[kayc]

Chris,

They try to offer support by being there for you when they can...my kids don't even do that, I hope you know how fortunate you are that they love you and spend time with you. Of course they don't know how to address your deep-seated grief, that would take a professional and they are not trained for that. Perhaps you might consider bringing them with you on occasion to your grief counselor, when she gets back?m she might better be able to address it with them or help you to. Yes, it does take time to process and adjust to this loss. None of us had any less difficult time of it than you, it was the most crushing and heart-wrenching experience I have ever gone through, it both terrified me and wracked me with internal pain. But I am here...still here.

[lilacsandladybugs]

You have been through it kayce. We all have indeed . I think you have been stronger than many for all the hardships you have also endured. You are stronger I think than I could ever be. I am sorry your children are not that supportive. I have one son who works with me who lost his fiancé many years ago so he feels my pain. I must say and to you too Chris that when you talk with those who have lost some one also, the bond between you helps ease the pain. It is a sad club to belong to yet we are all drawn to the fire. As Fae calls it, the tribe. I had a group of friends after I ended my hospice grief support group where we met once a week to go out and have a drink or something and just talk. All widowed yet still alive. Talking with others is therapy in itself. I read several books when I was younger by M Scott Peck one being "The Road Less Traveled", and in it he speaks about how we are all counselors. When we learn a truth, we share. That is what this site is.

I am sorry I didn't realize that you were still seeing a counselor so forgive my suggestion Chris. Hang in there my friend and I hope you find at least a lighter shade of grey in the clouds above you tomorrow.

Stephen

[boogieman]

My sympathies to you KayC for the lack of contact with your children. I know how much worse-off I would be without mine.

No one knows how to deal with any of this, especially me.

Besides the hesitancy of our children, I realize I haven't heard much at all from My Paula's sisters and mother in weeks. How is it they forget or move on so easily? Why aren't they all completely wracked with agony as I am? I know there are No answers.

I have told the children of my sessions with the counselor, the day and time, etc. What I get in return is "Well, do you need me to be there?" She comes to my house . I guess other distractions and their busy lives, along with the reality, keep them from coming. I don't know, and don't know how to broach the subject without adding potential guilt.

Checked earlier today and I have lost another 3 lbs since last week. This all-consuming stress and upheaval in my life has killed my appetite, drive, and desire for anything. There is no joy. Apathy and complacency are the standards I live by. I just don't, and can't, think of anything but the loneliness and sadness without My Paula.

Thank you Stephen. As to finding a lighter shade of grey in the doom and gloom, I would settle for even the slightest shade of grey as opposed to the utter blackness I see all around me.

This is a struggle and circumstance I know I must face and come-to-terms with on my own. I don't know how much struggle is left in me. Every day is lower and lonelier than the one before. I hope and prey each day is the last one I have to endure. I'll have to wait to see if I see tomorrow. I know time is running out for me. I can't keep going on like this.

[boogieman]

It's 3:15 am . I can't sleep again from the sadness and sorrow that overwhelms me again from missing My Paula so greatly. I am at my wits end not having a clue what to do to live through this, or get over it, or past it, or around it, or whatever. This is all consuming and I have no idea where to turn or who to turn to for release except My Paula. I am so very tired and troubled. I realize I am loosing this battle and I am on the verge of giving up completely. Doing so must be easier than trying so desperately to just hang on and still lose.

[feralfae]

Chris,

What is one thing you can do today to help yourself? Can you go take a walk in an A/C mall? Can you call a friend? As you see, I am also up in the wee hours, which is still a pretty common event for me. I work hard enough to be worn out by 9 or 10 at night, collapse into bed, hoping to sleep, but very often I wake up about 2 or 3 AM and then I am flooded with missing Doug, so I cry for a while, then hug his pillows, then usually get up, like tonight, and wander around the house for a few hours, maybe getting in a nap by 6 for an hour or so before time to get ready for work.

Yesterday, I took my car in for some electrical repairs, but after taking it apart, they had to order the part (it is a 2002 Honda and they do not stock a lot of parts for older cars) which will be here tomorrow. So, I was not able to do any of my errands because I sat at the dealership for a long time. Even little things like this still throw me off, because Doug is not here to help me figure things out, and my brain is not working all that well yet. I was so frustrated that I just came home and cried. And today I must spend on some health problems that I have been working hard to overcome.

I hate this not being able to sleep well at night. I know how hard it is for us all to be able to rest when we are missing our Beloved. I know I am better than I was this time last year, and I am still very grateful to my Creator for the gift of life, and hope I can make good use of it for my own happiness and for doing some good, but some days, I am in so much pain from losing Doug that nothing seems to be worth the pain. But other days, things go well, I smile and sometimes laugh, and I have loving people around me.

We will get this figured out, and all of us who are "night owls" will just keep taking naps, and doing all we can to help heal this horrible pain in our hearts. One day at a time, Chris, just take it one day at a time. Be here now, and try to do one loving thing for yourself today.

I have not heard you talk about meditation at all. Have you tried any of the meditations recommended in the meditation thread yet? I find it helpful, especially in these wee, small hours when I cannot sleep. At least it helps me to relax a little bit. Do you have some books to help you? Marty has some lists of some books I have found very helpful.

What can we do to help you make it through the days a bit more easily?

Peace and Blessings,

fae

[mfh]

Chris, I also wonder if you are doing any kind of meditation/mindfulness practices. I suggest you go to the Meditation topic and spend some time listening to some of the contents, reading. There are also many meditations you can just follow at www.tarabrach.com. Meditation is extremely useful in grief. I am sorry you are not sleeping. It does not help as grief in and of itself is so exhausting and losing sleep certainly makes it more difficult. I have an iPod (a radio also works) and I listen to meditations/NPR programs etc. to help me get to sleep. I put the timer on for an hour and I rarely hear it the end of anything.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

I remember "The Road Less Traveled", an excellent book! Chris, do you like to read? Many here have suggested some good books and would be glad to recommend some to you if you would tell them what you like. I have had a hard time focusing on reading since George died, which is odd to me because I was an avid reader beforehand. I figure it's just one of those odd effects of loss and grief, and I do hope someday to get it back. The truth is, I have had constant stress for 8 1/2 years, it actually began before George's death, with no let up, and it's probably that which hinders my focus. Perhaps someday...

My kids are understanding of my loss and miss George even as I do, but they don't live here and they are busy with their lives. They have no clue what this is like or how it feels...and indeed I wouldn't want them to. Unless you've been through it yourself, how can you understand? Their lives are going on even as mine did when I was young. My mom was widowed when I was 29, and I made time to see her, weekly, even though she was 60 miles away, and spoke with her on the phone in between. But that's me. I know my son has a busy schedule, being married and going to school, hard courses and a double major, and always helping people, but my daughter could fit me in now and then. As it is, I see her once a month when she helps with my quadriplegic sister, that's about it.

Meditation does help. Now that I'm not working (one day a week thru Oct. and then it's over), I'll have more time for meditation and visiting people and I look forward to that. I usually sleep well but every now and then I wake up in the wee hours, unable to go back to sleep, usually when I have things on my mind. I've learned instead of fighting it, to get up and go on line, read the newspaper, pray...sometimes I'm able to get sleepy and fall back asleep, esp. if I don't have an alarm set to get up and go to work.

fae,

I know it's hard not having Doug there to help you decide things, but you know what? You are SO SMART, you can do it yourself, and I truly believe he is there applauding you on! Remember, he has the utmost faith in you, and continues to hold faith in you even now. You will make the right decisions for your car! I have had to make some major decisions since George died...the worst one I made was marrying John, but most of my decisions have been wise ones. Even now as I am at a threshold of change, I look to God for direction and believe I will make the best decision for myself, while George brings me encouragement and faith. He always was my biggest fan!

I think Chris isn't able to do exercise, but meditation is something he could learn. I know it sounds foreign if you haven't done it before, but it gets easier with practice, and really, it is touted as one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When we are limited with what we can do, we learn to do what we CAN!

Chris,

Unless you need to lose weight, I would try to stop the weight loss however you can. Try smoothies. I make a drink in my blender with yogurt, bananas, spinach leaves, berries, and protein mix...you have all of the food groups and it's a wonderful way to get your nutrition esp. when you don't feel like eating or cooking.

Giving up is not that answer...putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going is. It is what I have done all of my life. I could write a book with all I have been through and few would believe it. One of the first things I learned was never giving up, keep going. There are times I've felt no one cares (usually in the wee hours) and all seems despondent, and it is those times I have to remind myself of those who DO care and would have a hard time if I were not alive...it is good to remind yourself of that. Kids may be busy, but that doesn't mean they don't care or love you, I know that. They just don't realize what our lives are truly like or what it's like to have no one with you. My sisters care and would never stop missing me if I were gone. My animals depend on me and I know my dog loves me...cats are different but perhaps they care more than they let on. Do you have any pets? If not, have you considered getting a dog? They are tremendous companions, my dog is so funny, goofy, fun to watch and be around, and very loving! Sometimes he is what keeps me going. One of my sisters thinks I shouldn't have gotten him, it costs $ to feed them, get their shots, and requires time and responsibility to take care of them...but as I've pointed out to her, I get back way more than I give and I don't know where I'd be without my Arlie.

You come on line here in the wee hours when you can't sleep, and I see that as a good outlet. It helps to voice yourself, it really does. And even if noone else is awake at that moment, one of us will be on shortly to read what you've wrote. And you know what? We care!

Hugs,

Kay

[boogieman]

Good morning. As you can see I am forced to face another long hot day in solitude. Was 107* here yesterday. Hard to get out when it is so dangerously hot for me. Maybe that's my answer. Go for a long walk in the heat. Having lived through 3 previous heat stroke related events, the 4th might be my final one. Sad to think that I think in those terms, isn't it.

I gave up on my "Doctor" prescribing something safer than Prozac for my depression. Two weeks of calling to get no reply was enough. Not about to start that search again. More trouble than I will deal with again. Maybe a threatened lawsuit for malpractice might give me a windmill to chase. At least I would have something to occupy my time.

Kay, I was an avid reader too before My Paula was diagnosed. Now I haven't got enough energy to focus on reading. I have amassed about 125 or so novels that I have no desire or focus to devote to them.

The dental surgery has further destroyed my taste sensation. Even now my jaw is sore yet numb and I have a tingly burning sensation constantly. I was warned that this might happen, and of course it did.

Besides, I could stand to loose the excess weight. What a price to pay!

Cried myself to sleep sometime after 3:30 this morning. Oh sad pitiful me. I hate to have to be so melodramatic, but it is the truth.

Collapsing from exhaustion seems to be my only means of getting sleep. Not rest, just sleep.

Fae, I am happy that you have a few good days occasionally.

Have tried several different techniques for diversion/distractions to no avail. I always come back to the reality of being alone and hurting so deeply for the companionship of My Paula. I have about decided I am a hopeless case and will feel the same no matter what. It's OK. My Paula is worthy of suffering for. The "true love of my life" is gone and I will suffer greatly from her absence for the remainder of my miserable life.

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, I think it's clear that you see your suffering as the way ~ perhaps the only way ~ to prove your love for your Paula. If that is what you need to do, there is not a person among us who would take that away from you. I see so many of our members offering so many suggestions in an effort to help you ~ presumably in response to the title of your thread, "I Need Your Help." I also see how you continue to reject most of those suggestions. That is your perfect right, and I want you to know that we all understand, respect and honor your right to accept or reject whatever it is that we can offer you, and to travel this path in whatever way you choose. We cannot force you to accept anything we suggest. Still, you keep returning to share with us how you are feeling, which I think many of us interpret as a plea for help. At the very least the content of your posts is tapping into our own need to help, and we respond by offering suggestions based on our own experience and what we've all learned as we've walked our own grief journeys. Maybe all you need is just for us to listen, and to be here for you in silence. Perhaps we all need to step back and let you just be for a while. Is that what you would prefer? We need some direction from you. Do you find any of these suggestions helpful? Or would you rather that we stop offering them?

You are among so many who wish to help ~ but if you are not ready, willing or able to accept such help, or if you find such offerings less than helpful, please just say so. We are more than willing to follow your lead.

That said, I'm going to take a risk and offer you yet another suggestion. You've never really told us much about your Paula. Would you be willing to tell us more of her story, and the story of your life together? What was she like? How did the two of you meet? What did you love about her? What was important to her? Can you share any pictures of her with us? What are your favorite stories about your Paula?

[kayc]

Chris,

Do you mean that your tingly burning sensation and numb jaw are expected to continue? Usually when I have oral surgery the pain abates within 2-3 weeks at most. I hope this is not something they intend you should live with! Have you called them about it or did they tell you anything about your prognosis?

[enna]

Chris, I would love to hear your story of your Paula if you care to share. I was very shy and reluctant to talk about myself and my life with my Jim of forty years for a long time but when I did I really feel like my 'family' here now knows and understands me and it has truly helped me in my grief journey.

Anne

[feralfae]

Chris,

I would love to know more about Your Paula, and see some more photos of the two of you, and of her. We could all get to know her and you a little better through some great stories about some of your happiest times. We'd love to hear them. I natter on about Doug so much that I imagine many here feel they are fairly well acquainted with him.

I hope you can share more about Your Paula, so we can all get a little better acquainted with her.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

It's true, we do love to hear about each other's spouses. And there's nothing I love more than to talk about my George. I would love to know more about Paula...what it is that made you fall in love with her. What you miss the most.

[boogieman]

In response to your post Marty, I fail to see your point. I have listened to and followed-up on the majority of the suggestions. For a number of reasons, which I have delineated before, some are not physically possible for me to implement, some I find don't "work" for me, some I might not fully understand how to implement. Your assertion that I reject most of the the offered suggestions I find curious.

I have tried some of the meditation techniques, not all work. I have several books but can't seem to maintain enough focus to garner info from them without continuous re-reading of sections, paragraphs, even sentences. Walking is very difficult due to my creaky old joints and permanent back/spine injuries, pinched nerves, and numbness in my left leg that preclude exercise to any extent. I mean no offense by not following every suggestion to the full extent in the manner they are offered. On the contrary, possibly one or more will offer me the inner peace I so desperately seek. I just don't know.

Regarding my doctor's seeming lack of concern regarding meds for my depression I don't have the drive to continue pursuing him.

I can only do so much before my will gives out.

As to the self aggrandizing pain to prove my love for My Paula I must disagree. I don't want this pain and agony. I want to be able to think of her and our wonderful lives together without it causing the torment it does. I need to have a life I can look forward to, not be held captive completely to the horrible circumstances that took My Paula from me. I need to not be so lonely. I want to be able to function at some level other than in the hazy fog I am surrounded by now. I have yet to stumble upon a means to achieve that despite everyone's generous, and appreciated, suggestions.

If sharing my feelings openly is disturbing you or anyone else here, I will reluctantly stop doing so. I have no one else to share my grief with and I assumed, possibly incorrectly, this is that place. You may not know, but my weekly counseling sessions have been put on hold for 3 weeks. From my perspective that is an eternity of not being able to vent my anger, frustrations, bewilderment, and loneliness. I want interactions. I need the contact with others who understand. I know that not talking these issues out will only lead to more of what I already have an over abundance of. And that is time. Slow grinding endless lonely time to dwell on what was.

The oral surgeon tells me the tooth that was abscessed lies directly on a major nerve bundle leading to my taste sensory receptors on my tongue. The damage, caused by that abscess and removal of that tooth, may never recover. Only time will tell. Just as I must live with the increasing ringing from Tinnitus, I may have to accept that prognosis also. Our daughter is the source of this information. She has over 20 years experience in the medical field. I know full-well that if a better outcome could be expected she would most certainly tell me so.

I appreciate everything everyone has suggested. Please do not be offended if each is not the solution for me. If I have over-stayed my time here, if I have been an uncooperative participant, I humbly apologize. I am doing my best to glean a direction in my life and having an extremely difficult time in the process.

I would love to share My Paula with you. I haven't to any greater extent than I have as I assumed this forum was to be about me. Perhaps I have made yet another judgment error. I leave it to the forum and the wonderful people I have been in contact with.

I will bow to the majority in honest thanks and appreciation for being with me to this point.

[kayc]

Chris,

You will never "wear out your welcome" here, this is exactly the place to share your feelings, this and with your grief counselor. I knew, as you did, that it would be difficult when your counselor announced she was going on vacation for three weeks...three weeks can seem a long time! I hope one week has passed already, but my sense of time is out of kilter now that I'm not working.

I realize, also, that you can't exercise, that must be a challenge in itself. I am sorry to learn your dental damage may be permanent, I can't imagine how hard that must be to live with on top of Tinnitus and your physical infirmities. I hope you'll try my Smoothie suggestion, it's amazingly good. My nephew uses frozen strawberries, while I use blackberries as they're free for the picking, but anything to suit you would work, I've even used rhubarb, although you have to add honey if you do that.

Most of us here have shared some about our spouses, enough that the rest of us feel we know them a bit. There are reasons we are here while the rest of the world is not. Some relationships are special and some are destructive, we've found that we were the lucky ones that had special relationships, hence the mourning.

I met my George through a letter to the editor I'd written, he responded to it and a penpal friendship developed. I was going through the end of my 23 year marriage and he encouraged me through all the craziness that ensued. It was no wonder I fell for this big burly guy! He had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met, he truly cared about people. I used to say he was the heart and I was the head...we truly balanced each other...him being the dreamer, the fun one, and me being the fuddy duddy nose to the grindstone kind of person. I loved his spontaneity! Even now I tend to be more production oriented and miss his introducing fun in my life...he was the one who made sure we stopped and smelled the roses, or picked colorful fall leaves, or made snow angels and tasted snowflakes. I miss him, more than I can express and there will never be anyone like him.

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

No, your feelings do not disturb us, because we all have had or are having the same kinds of emotional upheavals, pain, suffering, loss, sense of being lost, anger, confusion, and deep injury. Many of us are also experiencing health issues. I was paralyzed from the waist down, and am incredibly thankful that I am walking again after spinal cord surgery and extensive physical therapy which I am still having, painful as it is each day.

What meditation techniques have you tried? We could probably help you to find some better ones for you if you will share with us a bit more about what you have tried that did not work. What books are your reading? We might know of others that might be more helpful. What kind of music do you like? Does it help to calm you?

I think if you go read our posts, you will find that most of us talk a lot about our Beloved and who they were, what they loved, and how we lived. Their lives with us, and the loss of that life, is the reason we are all here, sharing our loss and our slow walk on this grief journey as we struggle to make some sense of it all and begin to find a way to go on, alone. Even typing that makes me cry. I miss Doug so much, it hurts more than I can say. I talk here a lot about my wonderful Doug, who was a person who could always find something to be positive about, even as he was leaving. I fought with the doctors to bring him home from the hospital, and he was so thankful to be at home that he mentioned it to everyone several times. The hospice people were all so dear and truly helped, and even in his last days, Doug would find something kind to say to them, through his pain, and sometimes he would joke with them. He wanted us all to remember that he was his usual tough guy self, leaning into the pain and his own death with such courage and grace.

Doug was a famous climber, and the Alaska delegate to the UIAA, the International Alpinists Union. Doug pioneered several first ascent climbing routes on some tough peaks. He was an artist of great talent, and his work was displayed around the world. He was the most fit person I have ever known, still lead climbing well into his 60s. And he was the most honorable, honest, and ethical person I have ever known, as well as being brilliant, articulate, and loving me so much that I know he loves me still.

Kay's George was a talented man, and she has shared a lot about him here. I feel I know Bill, Mary's husband, and wish he and Doug could have known each other. Anne's husband was a kind and gentle person, I know. Jan's husband kept moth traps and was a naturalist and a librarian. And I know a lot about many of the people here, and the ones they have lost. I don't know anything about Paula.

It may be that your fog of grief is just now lifting enough for you to being to reach out to others here, and begin to see that truly, we are all in the same boat, traveling this river of grief, doing the best we can each day, trying to be supportive and caring of each other, and to offer help when asked. For each of us, the pain of the loss has been so unbearable that many of us have considered leaving. For many of us, we still struggle to wake up each day, and once again admit we are now alone. I am crying as I write this, in fact.

I think we are all hoping that you will find a little more peace and balance in your life, and we are all trying to help you to do that. I don't think anyone is offended. We only hope to help you by offering the tools that have proven, over time, to help so many of us here. I know I feel pretty useless to help you any more on your journey, and have nothing else I can think of to offer you. I am working through so much myself, that reaching out to anyone is an effort sometimes, but I wanted to help if I could. I guess I have done all I could, and so, I appreciate your honest appraisal of your situation, of how you see your life, and what you want to do. We each must make our own way in our own way.

Maybe others here will feel they have more to offer you. I am dealing with so much, struggling with so much, and trying to put my own life back together from the loss of my wonderful Doug, that I may have not offered the right words, or the proper suggestions or even have heard what you were trying to relate very well.

But I cannot think what else I might offer you to help you on your journey. As I read and think about your sharing here, I will try to figure out if there is anything more I might offer. I am sorry I don't have more to give right now, but my own life, physical pain and healing, and grief are pretty overwhelming for me a lot of the time, and I am struggling to function to keep myself going. I wish I could help you, and I know you need help, but I don't think I have anything more to offer at this time. I will keep reading your posts, though, and if I think of anything else, I will most certainly share with you.

Chris, this forum is about each of us and our journey. You are always welcome here, and others will try to sit with you and understand and help you on this journey. You might learn much by reading some of the backstories of those here, because there is so much wealth of insights, healing stories, progress, dealing with pain, and loving compassion here that I feel this is a place to be "at home" with others.

I wish I had more to offer, and perhaps as my own healing and clarity progresses, I will have more to offer. I just cannot think of any more to say right now, except to wish you some moments of peace and healing.

Blessings,

fae

[MartyT]

My dear Chris,

If anything I’ve said in my post leads you to conclude that you are not welcome here, or that you are not free to share your feelings openly here, please accept my heartfelt apology. That certainly was not my intention. You are most welcome to use this site, this forum, this thread in any way that suits you (provided, of course, that you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else in the process). I was simply asking if you find our suggestions helpful, or if you’d prefer that we stop offering them altogether. As I stated earlier, we are more than willing to follow your lead, but we need some direction from you. I must say that sometimes I find it difficult to know how you’re interpreting our suggestions. For example, in the last few hours, several of us have invited you to tell us more about your Paula. Rather than accepting that invitation and going with that suggestion, you responded with why you haven’t followed the suggestion. Why not just go ahead and tell us about your Paula? ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Kay, I just read your post here. It is so lovely to hear more about your George and how he brightened your life. Thank you.

fae

[mfh]

Chris, of course, you are welcome here and all of us are willing to help you/support you as we help and support each other. However, I do need to say that no matter what suggestions I have made, I never know if you tried them or even wanted them. I know you are in pain. If the freedom to write about your pain is all you need/want from us, do let us know that. We will read and respond with understanding (without making suggestions or even asking questions). None of us know anything about Paula and many have invited you to share that. But you have not done that so I must assume you choose not to. And that is also fine. Perhaps you wish to write just about you, your pain, your anxiety without getting any more suggestions or ideas. That is just fine. Just tell us, if you will, straightforward and directly. I know people will honor your request unless it is hurtful to yourself or anyone else. Do give this some thought. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I really am. We all know. Hence our choice to help each other through these dark tunnels.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

My George had one of the hardest lives I've ever known. He suffered so much as a child growing up in the most dysfunctional family, experienced true hunger. They moved an average of once a month, never settling down in school long enough to make friends. He was second to the oldest of 11 children and often felt responsible for the rest of them, going without food so the younger ones could eat. He quit school at age 16 to become a logger, soon marrying and having two children. He spent 24 years in a maximum security penitentiary. He was the exception, ever trying to learn and grow and change, and change he did. He was so close to earning a degree in Psychology, in an effort to understand and better himself and his situation. He became a master welding fabricator and commuted 75 miles to work and 75 miles back until our last year of marriage when I had him stay near his job during the week as he was having car accidents and so tired. We didn't know about his heart trouble at the time. He actually suffered a fatal heart attack, driving off the road, totaling his new car...the airbag gave the thrust to the chest that restarted his heart, but he suffered major damage at that time...we didn't learn about it until the weekend he died. If the doctor would have taken his complaints seriously and sent him to a heart specialist any time prior to that, he could have had surgery that would have given him a new lease on life, but after the damage was done, he wouldn't likely have survived no matter what. It's a shame more people don't become heart donors.

Anyway, my kids were teenagers when we got married and they totally loved him. He would have done anything for them, just because they were mine, but he also loved them for who they were. He admired my son more than anyone in the world, he looked up to and respected him. And he related to my daughter, he felt they were very much alike and I think he was right.

My older sister was nervous about me marrying someone who'd had such a troubled past, so she sent his handwriting in to a handwriting expert and they said he was a gentle, caring man. I told her I could have told her that and saved her the $250. But we thought it was sweet that she cared so much to check him out. Some of the neighbors were nervous about him being in the neighborhood, so when we went for walks, we would drive out into the woods and then do our walking so it wasn't unsettling to them. That was George's idea...that's just the type of considerate man he was. He amazed me. I spoke with his ex-wife after he died, we talked for over an hour, and she softly said, "You weren't married to the same man that I was" and I said I knew, that he'd told me. All of us change over our lifetimes, but I've never seen such marked change in anyone as in George. A lot of people think you should give up on people who've screwed up, but he was living proof that there's always hope. The key is if they want to change, and the knowing is in the demonstration of that change.

[boogieman]

Where to begin. Fae, yours has been one of the reply posts I look forward to reading. I can sense your unique perspective and outlook. I am so sorry to learn of your struggle both emotionally and physically. Despite your own personal difficulties you still reached out to me, a stranger. I know for certain you and My Paula would have been friends had that opportunity presented itself. You are both the same type of person. Always looking out for the needs of others, putting yourself in a position to help others before yourself.

In the beginning of my and My Paula's relationship I was sometimes miffed at what I selfishly considered to be her slightly detached attitude towards me in some situations. I found out how wrong I was. At family gatherings for example, where food and good times abounded, we hardly ever sat down together to eat. She was already hours into the kitchen cooking, arranging, preparing, being the hostess, making sure everything was just so for everyone else's benefit. Her joy was to be able to serve others first. She came alive by being the means for everyone else to fully enjoy the gathering. Setting the table, serving the food, getting and keeping the glasses filled, cooking the most wonderful dishes, cleaning up afterwards, and all that that entailed. And she made sure that I had anything and everything I wanted. Only after everyone else was taken care of would she fix herself a plate and sit to enjoy the food. I learned to have a small amount with the family, friends, or guests, and another small serving with her later when she was comfortable enough to take a few minutes for herself. I came to appreciate that aspect of her character greatly. So selfless and willing to be of use in any way possible.

The afternoon after My Paula's service, my brother who gave the benediction commented that as a family we might want to consider not having meals together. I asked why, of course. He replied that there were so many dishes that Paula prepared to such a satisfying degree, and that since no else in the family could cook as well, the meals would not be as good. That brought tears to my eyes. I'm crying now just relating this. Knowing I will never have the pleasure of seeing her enjoy herself in the kitchen, or share the delightful meals together, or have the opportunity to complement her on her efforts for my benefit. Pleasing me, and others, pleased her. Especially in the few short years after her diagnosis. As long as she could she served others first.

I see in you the same traits, Fae. Perhaps My Paula led me here to meet you. Knowing of your difficulties I want you to know that I appreciate you. Should you reconsider commenting here to my ramblings I will be grateful to hear whatever you might want to add.

If I can in any way be of help to you I would consider it an honor to do so.

KayC , you have been there, or here, for me the majority of the time. Your kind words and encouragement have seen me through some very difficult moments. Thank you for your caring concern. The other night for dinner I reverted to my childhood and had a Root Beer Float. No quite a smoothie but as close as I had. Not only tasted great but the coldness of it soothed my sore aching gums. Just realized I have been up since about 8:00 am yesterday. No sleep again last night. I certainly wish I could get to a place to have a semi-normal type of live. My Paula rarely made it past 11:00pm and I would go lay down with her every night. It's almost as if she couldn't get to sleep without me being there, which I always was. Now I can't get to sleep without her, with few exceptions. Ironic how all our lives become so entwined with that one special person. So seemingly reliant on her/him for the simple routines of life. Then being forced to acknowledge exactly that when it is taken from us..

Speaking of Blackberries, when I was young my grandmother in Arkansas would make me a blackberry cobbler when the berries were in season. My Paula made hers for me and I know hers were as good, if not better than those made by grandmother . Between my grandmother, my mother, and My Paula I have been fed by 3 of the best cooks I can possibly imagine. I miss My Paula so greatly and will continue to do so.

I appreciate you all letting me talk. And I do listen to all that you have to offer. After all, who else knows us better than other like minded souls?

I think I need to eat something and look for an afternoon nap. 36 hours without sleep is becoming routine and harder to manage, too.

[enna]

Well, I see you posted as I was about to Chris, but I'm glong to share my post with you anyway. It's long and those who know me will say something like, "I didn't know Anne was so winded."

Hi Chris,

I have read your posts and I empathize with your struggle. Each one of us grieves in our own way and no one here has ever led me to believe that there is only one way to grieve. Some are in so much pain that they cannot find words to express it. They come here and read and later tell us how very much being here has meant to them. Not all of us have 'words of wisdom' for you, but we all care.

I have only been here a little over one year. The first months of my Jim’s death I do not remember any feeling or anything about anything. Jim was my husband for forty years but it would not have mattered if it were only a few years. Time is not a factor in death. It is the deep love we have for our loved one.

Those here on this site gently nudged me on to begin sharing my life and love for Jim. They were interested and gave me encouragement when I thought I could not bare the pain.

Everything you said about family members is true – they have their own lives and they are grieving in there own way. That is how it is. I believe that we have this site to come to because those of us who are here know pain, we know loneliness, we know the worry of coming to grips with money issues, health issues, and joys that do come into our lives. This site is like our ‘new’ family. The only difference to me is that this family will be here to listen, hold my hand, cry with me, share in my joys, be with me when I am going through tough times, and never get too tired to remain with me through my own journey.

When you find the energy and if you would like - read some of the posts by those on this thread and you will be uplifted and encouraged that you will not always be in this deep, deep pain. We have all expressed how we almost know one another and our spouses or partners.

My Jim was a WW11 B17 fighter pilot, he was a devoted husband, he was a loving father, a devoted member of our church, an avid reader, a bowler and a golfer, he loved the outdoors, he held degrees in business from De Paul University in Chicago, he was a devoted Cubs fan, he loved the Bears and the Norte Dame football teams. He played the tuba and he could sing (something I cannot do and so wish I could)! He loved classical music and could hold a conversation in any group. His work ethic was impeccable, and when he retired he continued to golf, and he spent eight years as the official score keeper to our Senior Softball Team here in our community before illness prevented him from continuing.

Most of these things I have shared already but I’m recalling these things now because it’s good to remember the wonderful things about my Jim and not only focus on his illness and death. I am starting to do that and I even feel happy at times thinking about our life together.

You will come to this point if you are willing to take the journey into your own grief.

Right now you have to believe that you will get through this in your own time and your Paula will always be right at your side waving you on to the next step. Anne

[kayc]

I think your Paula would want you all to continue your get togethers, it's not always how great the food is, but sometimes the company as well. Even a bucket of chicken shared is better for having someone to share it with.

You were indeed fortunate to have three such wonderful cooks in your lifetime. I, too, love cooking, and miss having a family to cook for. Whenever my son does come home, I cook up a storm for him!

Your Paula was selfless, the way my George was. Just two weeks before his death, he was helping friends move, lifting heavy refrigerators, etc., taking charge, etc. He had five blocked arteries, how he did the hard work he did, I will never know. He was just caring, to a fault.

We were the same way, never wanted to sleep apart. Our last night together, I slept sitting up with him on the loveseat-recliner...it's where we always slept when one of us was sick. Little did I know it'd be our last night together, as he went into the hospital the next day, never to return.

[MartyT]

Thank you, Chris, for helping us get to know your beloved wife a little bit more. And I just want to say that I find it so endearing the way you always refer to your beloved as "My Paula." ♥

[boogieman]

Heartwarming to see and feel the encouragement. Perhaps talking about My Paula can be cathartic. An I do want you who are interested to get to know her better. And Marty, I refer to "My Paula" in that loving manner as she was mine and I hers.

I first saw and fell in love with My Paula in the fall of 1974. My then current wife and I belonged to a local van (car based) club. The day that Paula and who we all assumed was her husband , Bob, came to their first meeting I was stunned at her beauty, grace, and warm personality. It was love at first sight for me. She hardly noticed me. I was so taken by her beauty I took 2 pictures of her which I still have to this day.

Over the course of the next several months we became more acquainted through social gatherings in the club. I learned that she and Bob were engaged but no wedding date set. In mid summer of '75 they announced their wedding date for that August. Bob asked me to be his "Best Man". How could I say no given my even stronger attraction to Paula. The wedding took place as we continued to visit socially, me adoring her from afar, hoping no one could tell of my deep respect and admiration for her. She never found out until years later, but that's another story.

Paula and my then wife became friends. As girl-friends do, they told each other almost everything as I later discovered.

The back story is that I met and proposed to my future wife in a rebound relationship from the first girl I ever truly loved. She was having great difficulty dealing with her domineering mother. We used each other to escape those circumstances. It was doomed from the very start. I was 20 and still in college. She was17 , living at home, working at Dunkin Donuts about 4 blocks from my Dad's business location. We married in '68, had two beautiful children by '71 and divorced by '72. She left me, filed for divorce and I gladly gave it to her. Seems she was even more unhappy than I was. Two years later in'74 we remarried (I know-I've heard it all before!) for the sake of the children. By '76 things had taken a very nasty turn with physical abuse, knife attacks, and confrontations with her and my loaded gun. She was the aggressor. We used the van club functions as neutral territory in order to survive. It was there that I got the "Boogieman" moniker. (Well it was 1976) Drinking and minor drug use led me to want to party, do anything, but go home.

In between the hand-to-hand combat rounds I learned that Bob, Paula's husband, had repeatedly cheated on her, threatened her verbally and physically, even threw her against a dining room wall before pinning her to that wall with the dinning table, and throwing a butcher knife at her sticking in the wall about 6" from her face. She was leaving him as soon as she could afford an attorney. I found out later, after My Paula was My Paula, she married Bob to stop her mother's incessant berating's about living with him but not being married. (Paula's mother comes from a family of religious fundamentalists. Her father was an ordained minister in a church in a small near-by town, too).

As my circumstances worsened I began to talk to Paula as a friend. This went on for weeks with nothing physical ever happening. I knew that she had planned to leave Bob, she knew of my plans to leave my wife. We both knew the violence would escalate until someone was seriously injured or worse.

One late afternoon in July of ' 78 I called Paula. I asked her what time she got home in the evening. I told her I wanted to see her the next day and she agreed. The next day I was there waiting for her when she arrived. Knowing that unemployed Bob could arrive at any moment I bared my soul to her. Told her that I loved her, was and had been in love with her for years, that I was leaving my wife, knew of her plans to leave Bob, and that I wanted her to come with me so we could start a new life together. To my utter shock she told me of her love for me, and that she would go with me to anywhere we could escape. We kissed for the first time. I was hopeless at that point. Nothing could have changed my mind about the new direction our lives were to take.

Bob came home 15 minutes later. "What are you doing here?" I had a job close by and was waiting for traffic to die down before heading across town to my shop. Good enough for him. Over the course of the next several weeks we met twice and by phone finalized our plans. On August 3rd 1978 I asked Bob to meet me at my shop. My wife was asked to come. They had no idea Paula was there. Together we stood hand-in-hand and told them our plans. Expecting the worst possible outcome we were stronger together. We were not going to be denied our chance at happiness. Sometime later Bob left. My wife left.

Paula became "My Paula" that instant. I became her knight in shining armor who rode in and saved her from certain harm. My Paula saved me by agreeing to go with me. We left together, never looking back.

I know this is long and detailed but important to lay the foundation for what became our 35 year love affair. I know what a special bond we have. Every single day and every single night we expressed that love we so dearly cherished to and with each other. We each placed our hearts, our fortunes, our lives, our very existence, into the hands of the other. I lament that loss daily.

Crying as I write this I need to stop for a while. I have been up almost 48 hours without sleep because of my deep sorrow and loneliness without My Paula.

Thank you for asking, and listening.

P.S. KayC , my brother was joking about not having family gatherings. They will be less than before because My Paula can't be there. And they might even be more than I can bear-up to. Right now I just don't know.