I Need Your Help

[kayc]

Chris,

As a parent, I can only imagine how you must be feeling, to have a son you can't reach and has been in a bad way...we want to make everything right for our kids and when we can't...it's so hard. To try to deal with all this without sleep is all the harder. I pray you can sleep today...try to lay down and take a nap, maybe put on background noise, music, tv, something and let yourself drift if you possibly can. Do think about Paula's arms wrapped around you, because I think her spirit is there with you and if she physically could, she would.

I'm sorry it's so cold, a number of our people are going through that right now and mine is headed here by Wed. or Thurs. they say. I hope you're not getting snow, looks like I'll be shoveling by this weekend, I just pray it's not more than I can keep up with, with my ankle still injured. I have to drive to the doctor and dentist, a long ways away, next week and it looks like I'll have snow to accompany me. I hope you're able to make it out to your support group this week!

[boogieman]

Fae and Kay, I see you too have emotional and physical down days. I am so sorry to hear of your continued pain. I do know about pain.

I take you at your word that "it will get easier'. I have no basis of comparison for any time scale.

Even though there are brief fleeting moments of some semblance of peace they are too few and

too far between. The agony of "being" without My Paula is crushing. I think of nothing else.

I went to class today. I had projects to work on but found no joy in the tasks. It was simply

something to do and not enjoyable at all. Slightly, briefly, distracting but not the fun it once was. Before, I would regail My Paula with my fascination of the shop and what I did new, and what I

had learned and experienced, what took place with the other guys there, stories, jokes, off-hand comments, and the excitement of being there. I knew she didn't fully comprehend most of this

but she was interested none-the-less. Now I have no one to share any of this with. No one asks,

no one really cares. I leave an empty house, return to an empty house. I am empty while I'm gone.

I had a epiphany this last long lonely weekend. I see my life with My Paula as a tuning fork.

Once struck, the tone, the vibrations, the inherent oscillations are soothing, calming, constant,

and dependable. My Paula and I struck that perfect cord over 35 years ago. We lived in peace, harmony, tranquility each attuned to the others vibrations. We didn't have the same note but the

two together was so harmonious, so tranquil and peaceful. So in-tune with the other as to be one perfect pitch grand note. Together we listened to only that one note for the inherent beauty therein, living a charmed synchronous life to the fullest extent and to our hearts desires.

Now being alone not only does my tuning fork not reverberate often. When it does the note is

off-key, unpleasant, irritating, un-harmonious, a grating and irritating noise. Nothing like the two

of us together produced. Then I realized that I know that sound.

It is the reverberating echoes of my life before My Paula, and the only sound I have heard for

over 9 months now. I remember the hardships, the agony, the uncertainty of the long ago past.

My unease, uncomfortable times alone, a very unhappy marriage, my unhappiness with myself,

the constant feeling that something, everything, just wasn't right. I find everything hollow and tinny now. I am uneasy, tense, stressed, and uncomfortable to the "n" th degree almost all the time.

I don't like feeling this way constantly, again.

So completely sad and lonely is no way to "live" any life.

As I said earlier, or yesterday, or whenever it was, if I haven't broken, I am on the verge of doing

so. Shattering into more pieces than can be put back together. And if put back together only to

be in the same circumstance is unacceptable.

Perhaps some of you know exactly what I am trying so desperately to convey. It is unacceptable

to me to be forever out of tune, out of synch, slightly off tempo from the pulse of the rest of mankind. So alone, lonely, uncomfortable, constantly stressed, missing and longing for My Paula to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. My Paula was, is, my world, my reason for existing,

my only hope of ever finding peace again.

I need the tranquil beautiful musical made with no one but My Paula. Everything before or since is too harsh and non-resonating to possibly reconcile myself to or with. Untarnished by death

and unyielding to time, ours is a union for eternity. This present existence has no hold over me

any longer. There is no need to try to cling to it so desperately for all the emptiness it holds.

Giving in to this, I realize I am in this world but not of this world. My future, my destiny lies with

My Paula. Rejoice my friends for I have found my place. A place where nothing can ever disrupt

the perfect harmony that resonates between me and My Paula.

Soon I will be rejoining My Paula in that state of blissful harmony where we will make beautiful

music together forever, and once again become the "one" we are destined to be.

Perhaps tonight I will sleep.

[mfh]

Dear Chris,

I just read your post from late last night. I know you are struggling and feeling a great deal of pain and emptiness. I also know you have been taking many positive steps to heal and that you can continue to draw on your own strength and your Paula's love to continue to heal and the strength and love of everyone here. All of us who have lost our beloveds have many bad days especially in these first months but overall, yes, life does get better with our desire and commitment to make it so. It takes time and patience and liviing one day at a time. That is why all of us are here, to get support from each other on a very tough journey.

I would like to suggest that you take some time today to look at all your previous posts here and see that you have not just had all bad moments but many healing times that you have shared here with us. That you have reached out to family and had meaningful times with them also. When you get extremely tired you seem to come to a place where you want to give up. We all get drawn to hopelessness when we are exhausted and this journey is exhausting. You frequently operate with little sleep or disrupted sleep and that seems to result in a desire to throw in the towel. Just check out your own journey here by reading your own posts. Perhaps share what you found.

I know you are attending a grief support group and I wonder if you are sharing there the feelings you shared in last night's post where you, in my opinion, were alluding to giving up on this journey. If you are not sharing them there, I urge you to do so or talk to the leader of the group privately after your meeting or before. It might be time to see that therapist for a few individual sessions. We can all benefit from that on a journey so challenging. I certainly benefited in the first year or so by seeing a grief counselor early on and sharing honestly all the pain I was in and the feelings I had dealing with Bill's death. Others here have also sought out individual assistance. It helps a lot.

We are here to support you on your healing path,

Mary

[kayc]

A very eloquent analogy, I've never heard it put like that but it makes sense (out of tune).

I do understand what you mean by you are in this world but not of this world. You haven't yet learned the art of living in the present and gratefulness for what is rather than focusing continually on what isn't. It's not easy to learn to do that, but it can be done, many of us have practiced that. I know it is not the same, is never the same, nor can it be, I know our lives seems hollow in comparison with what was, but therein lies the danger of continual comparison. Comparisons are usually not good, they bring us down. it does take concerted effort to focus on good. I know you seem to think there is no good in life without your Paula, but that just is not true...you are not letting yourself look for and find it. This is not an easy journey or a quick one, it is not for the fainthearted, that is for sure. Yes there are days I wonder what the point is and my life seems rather meaningless but I hang in there, knowing that to do so lends the very opportunity for possible change. My George continues to be with me in memory, in my heart, and one day we will have that joyous reunion. Until then, I will continue through this life and hope that I touch someone's life along the way and make a difference to someone, and enjoy the "little joys" along the way.

Chris, I know we had this conversation before, but in case you are contemplating it once again, I might add that suicide is the most selfish and self-centered act one can do. It is in total disregard of one's family and their feelings. It disregards God's gift to us of life. It considers only one's selfish whims...and I say whim because it's not very well thought out or it wouldn't be acted on. I have a friend whose son commit suicide, you have no idea how far reaching the impact was to his family...forever. And it's unfair to those who are left. We had someone on our site a few years back name Sunshine, her partner commit suicide...I wish she could speak to you of what it did to her...she speaks out on suicide and I'm sure has a very dynamic impact on her listeners. We've had others here who were survivors of those who commit suicide. It is a horrible thing to do to one's family. Not to mention, there is a theological belief that if you commit suicide there is no remission for your sins...I won't state my personal belief because it's neither here nor there, but if you do NOT believe that way...just what if...what if you were wrong? By the time you found out it'd be too late! Just "in case" it wouldn't be something to actively consider, at least not in my estimation. Your Paula would be in heaven and you would be forever estranged to her! That's not a risk I could take with my George. Okay, enough said, I guess you'll do what you'll do, but I had to have my say.

[MartyT]

My dear Chris,

As I read your latest post, I am struck by the negative tone that permeates your thinking, and this is not the first time I’ve “heard” you sound this way. Once again, I’m not sure of the message you’re trying to send to us, because quite frankly it could be interpreted as a suicide note. If that is not the case, please say so, because we all care about you here, and when you leave a post like this, we’re not sure what you’re planning to do, and we worry for your physical safety.

As I’m sure you know by now, nearly everyone here has had thoughts of leaving this world to be reunited with our loved ones ~ in fact, such thoughts are not at all unusual when we are grieving. It is only human to want the unbearable pain of loss to end, and at times, suicide may seem like a logical solution. Still, there is a vast difference between having thoughts of suicide and acting upon such thoughts. I must remind you that our site is not intended for those who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide. If you’re truly thinking of suicide, read this first. If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please STOP NOW and telephone 911 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

That said, I also think you already know that this is a place where it is safe for you to express whatever you may be feeling, no matter how hard it may be for the rest of us to read it, and I urge you to continue to do so. We just want to be clear on what you intend to DO with what you are feeling ~ and causing harm to yourself (or to anyone else, for that matter) is not okay.

If I may, I want to (gently) draw your attention to that negative tone I mentioned earlier and what it may be doing to you. There is such a thing as negative self-talk ~ some writers refer to it as ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) ~ and studies show that engaging in such talk actually can bring on anxiety and depression. What is more, it doesn't have to be that way, since we can exercise some control over such talk by becoming aware of it and making a conscious effort to stop it or to change it.

If you are willing, I invite you to read some articles on this topic, to see if anything you find rings true to you:

Negative Self-Talk: A Culprit of Anxiety and Depression ~ Elisha Goldstein: . . . The point here is to recognize these automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) in the same way we might see that angel and devil in the picture. They’re just these external objects telling us what to do. When we peel the lens back we begin to see that we are not our thoughts and in fact, they can’t possibly even be true. How would we ever truly know that things aren’t going to better?

What Is Self-Talk? ~ Negative self-talk is the stuff that makes you feel pretty crappy about yourself and things that are going on. It can put a downer on anything, whether it is good or bad. Example- “I look stupid in these clothes”, “everyone thinks I’m an idiot”, “everything is crap and nothing is going to get better.” Negative self-talk is particularly bad as it brings you down all the time. It can impact on recovery from mental health difficulties and tends to make people pretty miserable. But being positive all the time isn’t achievable either, and isn’t helpful all the time. So how can you make your self-talk work for you? . . .

Story, Maybe So; Maybe Not by Rick Poling

Leaning Into the Pain of Grief ~ Dr. Terry O’Brien: Two other important ways of working through the grief are affirmation and visualization. Self-esteem tends to lessen considerably during one's grief. Frequently, he/she will say to her or himself, "I can't” or "I'll never be able." This is negative self-talk which can limit one and eventually become self-fulfilling. "I can't" becomes "I won't" evolving into "I don't." Negative vicious circles confirm such self-talk which keeps one's self-esteem low and counterproductive to grief resolution. Self-talk needs to become positive. Rather than focusing on one's liabilities, center on possibilities — what one "can do." But how? Begin to visualize. Get relaxed; breathe deeply for a few minutes. As you exhale, let go of your conscious thoughts and problems. Feel lighter and more relaxed. Begin to visualize doing those things you can do or want to do, or being the way you wish to be. Let your visualizing serve as your game plan. Work at actualizing your visualized way of doing and being. As you do this, your self-esteem will begin to increase and you will be working most effectively on your grief . . .

The Real Cost of Grief ~ Joan Hitchens: Grief appears as all sorts of emotions, and whether acknowledged it or not, may be actively defining who you are in the world right now. When you repeat the same thoughts without moving through to answers or a new perspective, grief makes you stuck . . .

Knowing How to Stop Negative Self-Talk Makes Grief Recovery Easier ~ Harriet Hodgson: You and I can become our own worst enemies while we're grieving. Negatives are all we see and the future looks black and bleak. Worse, we wonder if we will survive such tragedy. Before we realize it, negative self-talk has become automatic. Unfortunately, this talk alters your perception and changes life . . .

Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic ~ Jancee Dunn: Put A Better Spin On Things
A simple semantic tweak can actually change your outlook, Chansky says. Instead of telling yourself, "I'm so disorganized, I'll never get anything done," train yourself to say, "I'm having a thought that I'm not going to get it done." It may sound silly, but this little change of wording gives you distance and reminds you that your low self-esteem moment is just that: a moment. "I always tell people that saying, 'Boy, did I feel stupid,' rather than 'I am so stupid' may seem like a nuance, but there's a significant difference," Young adds, because the former describes how you feel, not who you are.

55: CD Podcast Episode: Negative Self-Talk: 5 Ways to Stop the Monster Jenn Swanson: Because here’s the thing…this little voice is NOT going to help you reach your goals if you continue to let it tell you negative, nasty things. If you continue to give it credibility, then yes…it will end up being right. You will fail. you will not be able to do things. In fact, it may lead to greater negative consequences in your life. It may leave you stressed, unable to meet challenges. It may lead to anxiety, sleep deprivation and illness. It may lead to depression.

[enna]

Thank you, Marty, for your post to Chris. I quite frankly was upset by what I thought was a very negative tone to his post. It concerned me not knowing what he was really saying.

Chris, I do not think there is any one of us who has not had down days. We are all grieving and each one of our losses cannot be compared to another.

I for one struggle daily because Jim is not with me. I miss him and wish that he was here with me but he is not – at least not in the way I would love it to be.

I have tried over the last 20 months to talk about Jim whenever I have the opportunity. I bring his name up at gathering, at dinners, and any other time I have the chance. It is hard but it is what we have to do. If I waited for someone to mention Jim I may be waiting a long time. People are most times afraid to bring our loved ones name up because they are just uncomfortable and not sure how we’d handle it.

I know you are struggling. I know that you hurt. I know you think all the vibrations you have had in the past with your Paula are gone but they are not. They are there. You can’t lose something that has been so meaningful between you and Paula. I think you can take all those beautiful harmonies and turn them into something positive as you learn to live a different life now. It’s not going to happen over night but it will happen if you allow just a little bit of light to spray over your body.

Feelings are a very powerful emotion. We all have them. It is all right to have them. I do not think it is good to focus only on the negative. When you do then those feelings start to take over. It is good to try to blend in positive thoughts – no matter how small.

In my opinion it is always okay to express yourself but quite honestly it concerns me if you think that the only way for you to have that “blissful harmony” is to be with your Paula then that leads me to think that you are thinking of suicide. Please tell me that I am wrong.

Read the articles Marty has so generously given to you in her post. And please, Chris, let me know that you are only expressing yourself in the way you know how and you have no intention to do other than continue to live your life no matter how empty it may seem.

We here love and support you on your journey and are so glad that you are sharing with us this most difficult time you are having.

All of us need sleep. We think more clearly when we have had a good night's sleep or naps during the day.

Anne

[boogieman]

Thank you ladies. Let me be perfectly clear. I am NOT planning to do or not do anything. As I stated, I am having great

difficulty in expressing exactly what and how I am feeling. Coming from a very uniquely personal perspective I have re-read

my last post and find the general tone positive. Strange, I had hoped to convey that. Instead of being so completely caught

up in the negativity of all this, I still see a glimmer of hope somewhere. To be with My Paula is the ultimate expression of

the totality of my existence. In one sense I feel I have "jumped ahead" by whatever time or means possible to acknowledge

the reunion with My Paula and accept that as my ultimate final destination. I have come to terms with this. I have accepted

this. I am ready for this. I welcome this.

Just as My Paula declared on Saturday April 16th..."I can't do this any more." We both knew exactly what she was saying.

That her long valiant struggle was winding down with her strength and resolve depleted. She knew the truth of her declaration.

I have been reluctant to say so, but I sense an end to my struggle also. Call it a premonition or fore-sight. I sense that

my time is short likewise. My strength and resolve is waning too. To continue to struggle so greatly in vain is the most difficult long-time negative experience of my life. The energy depletion takes more out of me than I have to give over a long time span.

I consider this as an admission and acceptance of the finality facing me at some point in the future. Ironic, but I find

peace and comfort in this acknowledgement, not negativity. I can relax to some extent knowing the

struggle doesn't have to be so all-consuming due to the hopefully soon to be end arriving.

Consider this. I know what my future holds. I sense that future sooner than later. I have a definite goal awaiting.

I long for and welcome that final outcome.

Yes there are dark days ahead. There are issues and challenges yet to be faced and addressed. I am alone and lonely.

Life goes on but I don't feel the sense of struggle is so demanding any longer. Everyone and everything will continue with

or without me being a part of it. Insignificance comes to mind.

In that vein and from that perspective, I can loosen my grasp on this struggle and try to savor the immediate.

I concede the match. I am tired of the constant upheaval and extremes of emotions. I seek peace and tranquility

above all else. The level of peace attained and maintained for over 35 glorious years with My Paula.

Of course My Paula is not here. But I must try to find that wonder within me again, alone and to the best of my abilities,

until we are reunited. Let's call it a refresher course before the finals.

The orchestra is building to the final movement before the coda begins.

Listen closely. I can hear the music!

And finally a word about the support group. Tomorrow I hope to touch base with the counselor. She is wonderful,

caring, and sympathetic. I think we as a group, might benefit greater if we were allowed to share more openly

and freely by " free association" rather than trying to get her agenda, her outline, her "talking points" in during

our meetings. I know I would but certainly can't/won't speak for the others. I certainly have no expertise here

and would never offend or over-step my boundaries.

Just something I sense. Am I out-of-line here?

[enna]

Oh, thank you, Chris. You are doing a great job with your grief. You will see. Not now, but later in your journey. It is good to express our thoughts outloud. And yes, you speak many positives as you express yourself.

"The orchestra is building to the final movement before the coda begins." I love this line. anne

[boogieman]

Thank you Anne. This is not a straight-line journey. Ups and downs, fits and starts, herky-jerky and jagged at best.

Never knowing when, or where, or what is next. I hope to be able to smooth this out somewhat. Probably not, but for my

sake I need to try. Relaxing from the tension, going with the flow, not struggling so hard against the pressure,

accepting the situation and keeping an eye on the goal is something I need to look at. Might not be the way to go,

but might be better than now. We all need to find something, anything, that might allow us to get through today.

Makes for a "small world" perspective that I hope is more manageable than looking at the whole and being

swallowed-up there.

Not an endorsement for anything. Just my feeble attempt at understanding and management.

[kayc]

No you're not out of line in thinking that, but I think a good facilitator will have room for both, their agenda, and free discussion time. Keeping an open mind, she may have some good things to convey...sometimes those things will be for you, sometimes it will be for someone else there.

I'm glad you're not contemplating suicide...I think many of us got that thrust. Resigning ones self to what is IS a big turning point and it's freeing to quit struggling with it. I hope you find peace with your Paula in the here and now as you see what is for you each day.

[feralfae]

Chris,

Even as you resign yourself to the acceptance of Your Paula's physical absence, I hope you can find a way to continue to feel her presence of spirit in your life and heart. You have not mentioned the doorbell in a while. I wonder if you hear it these days.

Peace to you today.

fae

[boogieman]

Feeling pretty low today. No real explanation why. Didn't make it to class today. Worked here instead.

Had dinner with our daughter Monday night. Haven't seen her since Christmas. Nice to see and visit with her.

Our oldest son came by for a short visit this afternoon. Haven't seen him for a few weeks. Appreciate that.

Haven't heard from our son in Mass. I'll call tomorrow to see how he is progressing.

Haven't heard the doorbell since earlier this month. Actually on the 3rd, the7th, and lastly on the13th.

Two weeks without her contact bothers me. I have come to count on her visitations.

Have been noticing something else since those dates that might be My Paula.

On several occasions our master bedroom door has been partially closed. No explanation why.

Never happened before.

I hope it is My Paula coming closer to me.

Got a call late this afternoon from the Hospice. Group is cancelled for tomorrow as the counselor

deals with her apparent flu.

Reluctant to go at first, I have begun to look forward to that encounter.

I'm tired tonight. Maybe I'll sleep.

[kayc]

Chris, I'm sorry your group is cancelled, but so glad you've had time with a couple of your kids. I guess no news from your other son is good news, he must be convalescing. How did you learn of his being hospitalized? If something were to happen to him I'm sure you'd be notified.

I can see how you'd miss the doorbell ringing. I never had such signs, but I would miss them if they'd stopped. I know your Paula is with you even as my George is.

[feralfae]

I think Paula has moved closer and is now pushing the bedroom door.

Chris, I hope you can sit and still your mind sometimes and listen for her gentle voice. I found meditation really helped me to calm my mind enough to have a few minutes of peace.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Jenna2]

Chris, I'm new to this thread but not to this forum. I've read through all these posts and you have my gentle and deeply-felt sympathy.

Many of your posts look familiar because I've been going through many of the same things you have. On the surface, circumstances are very different but on a deeper level the hurt is pretty much the same.

I met Ben 32 years ago, and it was love at first sight. But a year later, he broke it off with me and I wanted to die. I had some issues that made me a bad catch for anyone, and he moved on. For weeks I was crying myself to sleep every night.

I was actively suicidal, but I went to some friends of mine out in the country (it was at their ranch that Ben and I first met) to get them to talk me out of it. (Obviously, I'm still around.)

I took all the standard advice about letting go, moving on, trying to find someone new, moving to another city, blah, blah, blah, but none of that worked.

I managed to get on with my life, mainly by going into denial about how much I really loved him. He was my soulmate (insert other nouns or adjectives here -- they all apply). But occaisionally -- like now -- the hurt and the pain just come back again. And even when that doesn't happen, I often get into a listlessness or lack of motivation in life.

But there was a major change on April 3, 2013. I was in bed and I got the definite impression he came to me and was caressing me in spirit form. I'm still not sure what that was all about, but I'm calling it a sexual/romantic lucid visitation dream.

In a few days, I realized that perhaps he had just died. (At his age that could have happened.) But either way, there is some residuum of his love for me, and I still love him more than most people ever experience in their entire lives (not the people here, of course).

I won't go into more details because I don't want to hijack your thread and it's all been written up in another section of this board.

Chris, I hope you find the comfort you are looking for. I fully understand.

[boogieman]

Good morning Ladies.

Has been a trying few days for me. Not struggling so hard against the prevailing tide of grief has left me with time to

just be "numb". Part of me relishes the quieter emotional respite but another part of me now longs even stronger

for My Paula. Still looking for that balance somewhere.

Have been making myself be busy in the shop, around the house, etc. Hollow and unfulfilling at best but a distraction

none-the-less.

I heard of Bradley's plight through a phone call from Jennifer, his wife, on Friday as they were in transit to the hospital

100 miles away. Surprised she called but appreciated the heads-up. I managed to guess at the new phone # and got

in touch with her on Sunday. Haven't heard since. I need to call again.

I choose to think the door issue is from My Paula. Possibly some reason for this but it gives me comfort thinking

otherwise. Maybe I'm delusional, don't care. It works for me.

Thank you for posting Jenna. I too am familiar with the totality of our similar experiences. "They" say... "It is better

to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." True, but that old saw cuts both ways doesn't it.

Those of us who really found that one true love, the love of our lives, our soul-mate, only to loose them for

whatever reason, possibly don't grasp the profound extremes of dealing with that loss. The greater the bond, the

connection, the more the heart longs for and needs that one special person, then the greater the sense of loss.

My heart goes out to you. I truly do understand.

Posting here for the better part of a year has been cathartic for me, and hopefully others. Baring my soul, grieving in

"Public" so to speak, experiencing and sharing my deepest thoughts -both good and dark- has been hard.

I shutter to think of what might be without this forum to share the burden with those of like experiences and minds.

This is damned hard.

I still miss My Paula to the extreme and probably always will. The extreme pain of her loss will color and influence

me from now on. I don't want to find my way without her but there is only one other choice. That option is always

there, calling to me. But so far, I have resisted.

So another long lonely day awaits. Another day without My Beloved Paula.

[Jenna2]

The greater the bond, the connection, the more the heart longs for and needs that one special person, then the greater the sense of loss.

So true. Most people "out there" don't experience that kind of love. And most don't understand how incredibly deep the loss can be. But we understand.

I fully support you in wherever you go and whatever you do.

I call it "Elliman's Syndrome":

Jenna

[kayc]

Chris, I applaud your effort, even if it seems hollow to you, it is doing what the rest of us have done, putting one foot in front of the other, whether it seems meaningful or not. I so totally agree with your bolded statement, it is exactly what I know to be true, that the grief is in direct proportion to the love we had.

Jenna, I'm sorry you have had to continue in so much pain, I do know what that is like...not 30 years, only 17, but when we are going through it it doesn't seem time is relevant, it's the moment that exists that is the hardest.

[boogieman]

Thank you Jenna. Well said.

I think that about this time every night is the hardest for me. After the news and such, My Paula always headed to bed.

At first from her long days at work, and at the end from the devastation of chemo, and radiation, and prescriptions,

and stress, and worry, and the complete exhaustion from dealing with her cancer.

So about this time nightly I break down knowing I won't be tucking her into bed then laying next to her as she fell asleep,

ever again. So simple, so greatly missed. I sometimes wonder if My Paula misses that too.

"Good night Dear. Love You"

" Love You Too"

[Jenna2]

Chris, you made me think of something ... .

Ben had his own special way of tucking me in at night. He made me feel SO safe, SO protected. I miss that, sometimes desperately.

Jenna

[boogieman]

I miss tucking My Paula in at night. Made me feel good knowing she was safely asleep in our bed.

It was my faithful duty to keep her safe.

No more.

It's almost 3am. I imagine there will be no sleep for me again tonight.

Another of many endless nights.

No one to sleep next to or wake up with tomorrow.

It is always desperation for me. Always

[Jenna2]

I feel for you. You have my complete sympathies.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, this came to me this morning, and it made me think of both of you:

An excerpt:

We must live with our loss, we must experience it fully, we must express our sorrow, show our lamentations, wallow in our pain, and swim in our grief; it is supposed to hurt and we do not need someone to fix it. Grief is a natural process we have to allow to happen; not to be rushed, circumvented, delayed or medicated forever, it needs to be experienced and absorbed before true rebuilding can begin.

Recognize your journey and do not opt for the short cuts. Letting go is not letting go of love, it is letting go of what will never be. It’s not getting over it, is going through it, it is not moving on, it’s moving with, it’s not closure, its acceptance, it is not concentrating on what you no longer have, its embracing what you still have. It’s seeking joy and finding peace once again; living the loss and becoming an intentional survivor.

Source: The Hobbit's Journey to Mordor: A Parable of Grief

[mfh]

Just outstanding, Marty! A gold nugget. Thank you.

Mary

[enna]

I have read Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy a long while ago and never thought of grief in that way. I really like the parable. It is good that we rest awhile in our grief so that we are able to gather the strength we will need to continue on our journey and not get stuck.

Becoming aware of our losses helps us to recognize the ebb and tides of grief more intensely. Learning how to accept what is and go on no matter how very painful shows a courage that will aid us in the end.

“The goal in our grief journey is to throw our ring of grief into the fires of acceptance to help heal our pain.”

I don’t know if I’ll be able to reach this goal, or if it is even one to be reached here in this life, but it is one worth striving for because I know that I’ll be better for it in the end. I accept dark places but I do not want to be lost in them. My life is precious and I want to remain open to what is in front of me…perhaps this is what’s meant by being an “intentional survivor.”

I’m off to the library to check out Tolkein’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Thank you, Marty, for this parable on grief. Perhaps it would be good to post this in a new thread so many others who might not see it can benefit from it.

Anne