I Need Your Help

[kayc]

Jo, how wonderful that you had that dream and that it brought you some comfort! I'm so glad for you. I like that you opened up the room and opened the curtains.

I had a hard time cooking after George died, he loved food, anything I fixed, and it was hard to cook and not have that appreciation and shared enjoyment. I've finally gotten back into it, but more when the mood strikes than every day.

Jenna, good for you, I hope you find something out. Keep us posted!

[boogieman]

Good afternoon Jo. I am pleased that I could help you starting on this journey. I have been at it for 10 months

and there is so much I don't know. Adjusting to everything new at the same time is overwhelming.

My Paula was a consument cook. She loved being in the kitchen. We had wonderful times there together.

She even managed to teach me a trick or two. During her ordeal with cancer I cooked for her when she felt

up to eating. I so enjoyed being able to do that for her.

Cooking and eating alone is something I just can't face. I know I will never be able to share the kitchen with her again, or enjoy a shared wonderful meal.

Now I have no sense of taste due to nerve damage in my jaw from a tooth I put-off having taken care of in

deference to me taking care of my Paula. So, yes, food triggers very special and specific emotions.

Not caring to eat I have lost over 60# this past year.

Two years ago My Paula insisted that I go back to school. I reluctantly did so but felt guilty at not being home

to care for her like I wanted. It was actually good for us both. Now having the time I have taken-up where I left off.

Ironic that you mentioned the metal container Bill made for his remains. I am taking metal fabrication classes.

As a hobby I restore and repair antique cars. The skills learned at school are helpful to me.

And besides all that, My Paula liked me to be busy in that. She told me "that it kept me at home but out of the house." Still brings a smile to my face.

My Paula's remains are on our mantle, in an antique blown glass urn she inherited from her grandmother.

Always present in her "dream house" in a place of honor.

When memories are all we have I now find the recalling of them soothing and comforting. Every time I remember

or recall something new I write it in my journal.

Isn't it funny how the normal, or not so normal, noises in our houses now seen possibly ominous? It took me weeks

to be able to identify most of what I so easily dismissed before. And My Paula's visits were scary at first.

It took me a while to make that connection. Hopefully you can do the same.

Your dreaming of Bill is such a wonderful magical experience. I dream of My Paula as a substitute for her presence. When I get really down, still often, I dream of her or have visions of her. It lifts my spirits if only briefly. Anything to escape even for a short while.

I still haven't been able to go through her closet, her clothes, her dresser side, her jewelry, etc. Still too

painful to address. On the other, I want to keep her memories alive by pretending she may come back

and I want her to feel right at home with her personal effects just as she left them.

There is no magic potion or chant to ease our pain. I have found this a journey of realizations and adjustments to the new normal we face. And there is no "normal". Each of us has to find our own way at our own pace and discover through trial and error what does or doesn't work for each of us. There will be failures and set-backs. They are to be expected even though they may seem devastating at the time. Somehow, we pick ourselves back up and try again.

There are some wonderful souls here, all willing to help us on this trek of new discovery. Please allow them to assist you as they graciously assist me and others.

Some have referred to this site as "a tribe gathering around a camp-fire to console, support and assist each other".

I couldn't agree more.

Tomorrow is the 10 month date of having to admit My Paula to the hospital for her final days.

I am sure tonight and tomorrow will be hard ones for me.

As I stated earlier ..
"If we are in this alone then we are all alone together".

And a PS to Jenna. You have taken a courageous step. I sincerely hope you find the peace you seek.

Additionally to Jan, Mary, Kay, and Anne - so nice to hear from you and Thank You again.

[kayc]

Chris, 60 lbs is a lot to lose in one year...I don't know if that leaves you still overweight, underweight, or normal weight, but it sounds like you'll need to learn the art of eating what you need, not because of pleasure, but because your body has need of it. Please take care of yourself, it's your best chance for healing on this journey and being at your optimal best for handling it...and with this journey, we need all the help we can get!

[boogieman]

As an unintentional consequence and unexpected turn of events, reaching out to others and sharing my

grief and sadness to help others has plunged me into the depths of despair.

Ten months ago, tonight, is the last night My Paula and I spent together at home.

Her increasing agony from her worsening condition kept us up and awake all night.

About 9 hours from now, then, we talked and made the fateful decision to admit defeat and admit

My dear Paula into the hospital.

Knowing the probable outcome made this decision even more devastating.

Facing all this yet again I find myself severely lacking in being able to control the tidal wave of despair.

I was strong enough then to do what had to be done to honor my vow to not let her suffer even one minute

longer than necessary. Now I find myself on the verge of complete collapse reliving those fateful moments and decisions.

I wonder how have I managed these past ten months of agony. Truth is , not as well as I purport to have done so.

Tears streaming down my face now, I realize I haven't progressed much at all.

The agony of life without My Paula is approaching unbearable again.

I have tried resting, relaxing, diversion techniques, even fell to sleep shortly to waken to find that nothing had changed.

My Paula is gone and I am here alone and lonely without her.

I miss My Dear Paula in the extreme.

[boogieman]

I know Kay. Even now I am still heavier than I want to be at 245. I am 6'-3" and carry the weight well but still too heavy.

I have no affinity for food due to little appetite and even less taste.

When I met My Paula I was a dashing 195. Becoming even further lost in My Paula and her outstanding cooking skills

I paid little attention to weight. Slowly but surely I became overweight. We both did to some extent.

It was never an issue for us because we saw each other for who we are, not what we looked like.

Nothing in the world mattered except our love for each other and our children.

I was given two new pair of jeans for Christmas, 2 sizes smaller than what I wore this time last year.

Now those are even too big having dropped at least another size down.

Our daughter even comments about the "tents" I wear for shop work.

I eat when I get hungry, maybe once daily. I feel physically good but have little energy.

I attribute this to the emotional devastation I am surrounded by.

I have spent money I don't really have on food stuffs that spoil before I want to eat them.

I can't- won't - cook just for me.

It really doesn't matter to me one way or another.

Just as my focus for 35+ years was My Paula, my focus now is learning to adjust, somehow,

to this new paradigm of this so called life. Eating is pretty far down on the priority list lately.

I do appreciate your concern and gentle prodding though.

[liljo]

Dear Chris,

I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult night. I wish I knew the right things to say , that would help you ( like you have helped me)

I unfortunately do not have the gift of "writing" , I guess that's why I don't make many posts. ( I'm not good with words, and always afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing.). You are SO articulate Chris, I really enjoy reading all of your posts.

That is really great that you restore old cars !, Are you working on one right now ? Bill and I were old car fanatics ! We owned about three different ones, at different times, and we LOVED going to old car shows ! When we didn't have an old car to drive around in, we felt empty.

In your class , are you learning welding ? ( or maybe you already knew how to weld ?). Bill taught himself how to weld, and made very simple rustic sculptures, that he sold at Art shows, He was a painter before that, and we both made a living from our art for 26 years.

I'm sorry if it seems like I am "rambling" about things ! I just wanted to write about something lighthearted tonight, I know you're feeling sad tonight, and I don't want to add to that.

I will write again tomorrow ( I still need to properly reply to your last letter !)

I hope you're feeling a little better than you were earlier ? , and I hope you can sleep well.

Jo

[boogieman]

Thank you for replying Jo.

For me, this is one of those set-backs I referred to earlier. One step forward, two steps backward.

No rhyme or reason, it just is.

They say the first year is hard. An understatement if ever there were one.

My Paula was admitted on April 13, '13. She passed away on April 16th. Her memorial service was the 19th.

I imagine these dates will forever haunt me no matter the passage of time.

At present I have two old cars. One is for sale to help cover on-going expenses, the other I am very slowly

trying to turn some of my excess time and attention to.

Ironically, My Paula was not interested in my hobby per-se, but encouraged me to follow that passion.

She was interested in seeing me be happy and content in that pursuit.

I loved her for that, too.

In class we have and can use almost any type of equipment imaginable, including welding.

My main interest now is metal forming and shaping. Very tedious, intricate and rewarding work.

For me the efforts put into my projects is my reward. Never considered that as anything but my artistic expression.

I appreciate the creative mind. Both of you must be good at this to do it commercially for 26 years. Kudos.

I have been interested in cars of all types for over 50 years now.

Our instructor has been at this for about the same length of time. He is nationally and internationally

renowned for his abilities. Now partially retired, he passes his knowledge on to those interested in learning.

Thank you for your posting. It has given me a small window of diversion in this time of trouble.

I imagine I will be up most, if not all of the night. But that is "normal" for me. I'm used to it.

I will sleep soon in the arms of My Paula.

[kayc]

Chris, George was a welding fabricator, a top notch one! He love restoring old cards, belonged to a club at one time since he couldn't afford one himself. That was always one of my dreams, to buy him a Cuda to work on, that wa his favorite. I hope you're finding interest in your class at least part of the time.

I understand your lack of interest in food...it seems when I'm under stress I either eat mindlessly or not at all, so either gain or lose, neither being a good idea as it's best not to yo-yo, it messed up the metabolism. I do the smoothies to make sure I'm well balanced when I don't feel like eating, since I'm Diabetic, I can't skip meals.

You mentioned that this sharing brought you down...or perhaps it's the timing as well, but such as it goes, the ups and downs of this journey. Just when we think we're making progress we get slammed. But it always seems to look a little brighter at some point down the road, however fleeting, so I guess we live for those points, while accepting the low points. A hard journey, not for the faint hearted!

[boogieman]

Morning Kay.

I slept fitfully last night so just now getting around to here.

Interesting that you mentioned the "CUDA" you wanted. This being a Chrysler-Plymouth- Dodge model,

commonly referred to as "MOPARS", or Motor Parts in general.

I have always gravitated to Mopars myself. Most of my cars have been, or are, Mopars.

We are a small but fanatically loyal bunch of die-hard's.

You are right in your assessment of my "sharing bringing me down" comment.

It was the timing, not the desire to help if possible.

Not feeling too well this morning. Blood pressure is elevated, headache, nervous stomach, hands shaking,

a general sense of angst and anxiety due to this day and the week ahead.

By this hour, in April, we were in the ER awaiting assessment, the Oncologist, and a room assignment.

Hard times indeed.

I imagine this week, every month, will affect me accordingly.

Still too many lows, not enough highs. The reality I live with.

Our Group counselor called this morning. Group is scheduled for this evening after a two week hiatus.

Maybe I will be up to attending, given my fragile state today.

[kayc]

I hope you can make it tonight!

[liljo]

Hi Chris, and everyone ,

I just wanted to say sorry that I'm not able to write today. I'm already dreading tomorrow, as it is the one month anniversary (14th),

AND Valentines day. It's just too much to think about, I wish I could just sleep through the whole day !

Love, and hugs to you all,

Jo.

[kayc]

Jo, I'm sorry, that's a whammy! No need to apologize, there's days some of us can't write. We'll be thinking of you and hope & pray you get through the day okay. Sleep would be good!

[boogieman]

Made it to group. Most emotional session so far considering the date and Valentines tomorrow.

Or as My Paula laughingly referred to it as " Balentymes". A running joke between us for 35 years!

Causes me to miss her all the more.

No apologies needed Jo. We "get it".

Allow yourself to sleep all day if that is what you need.

[kayc]

I'm so glad you made it to group, Chris. I wish I could have had one, I'm so far away from everything. The good side is I have nature and animals, the down side is I miss everything else.

I'm sure it was quite emotional, gosh it's those little things that make us miss them. I am looking at a note George wrote for me for Valentine's one year.

[mfh]

Dear Jo, thinking of you on this anniversary day. And having it fall on V-Day, I know, makes it more difficult. You never have to apologize for not posting...we are here for you to post when you wish to post and if you need to spend a good part of the day sleeping, that might be good since grieving is so exhausting especially early on. This has been an extremely difficult month for you...so do include some naps in the day. On anniversaries, I write a lot...letters to Bill and poems to Bill. It helps get feelings out where I can see them and let them go while I also still have them.

[mfh]

Chris, I am so glad you made it to group and it sounds like it was a time of healing if that is defined as by sharing emotions which I believe is VERY healing. Good for you for going.

By the way, my Bill renovated old antique cars. He would buy a car that, to me, looks like a junk heap...sometimes he got them free and by the time he was done (including buying original parts at places I did not know existed) it was showroom quality. He would enter them in contests and I have a box full of trophies and ribbons. His best one, to me, was the Rolls Royce Silver Ghost 1931 was in horrific condition and he bought for $1,000. Sadly he sold it a few years later (before he and I were together) for $1300. One day, years later, we were in Barnes and Noble and he looks up the serial number (he knew it by heart as he always regretted selling it for all the wrong reasons) and the car that came off the assembly line after his (known by serial number) was selling for $250,000...identical to his. We had to either laugh or cry in the middle of that store...so we laughed, got some coffee and went on.

I hope you are aware of all the goodness you are bringing to this site. I know your pain is still gut-wrenching. I occasionally have a day or an hour of that also. But you are taking action and I just know your Paula is smiling as she knows it is Balentymes Day.

[boogieman]

Had a difficult night, finally falling asleep sometime after 3:30 am. Just now getting up and about.

In group last night we were asked to write a few paragraphs about our beloved one.

I had plenty to say. We were encouraged to read aloud if we felt doing so. Being somewhat private about

my inner feelings of My Paula, I couldn't. At the counselors gentle guidance I allowed her to read what I had

written. She asked my permission to read aloud my inner thoughts. I agreed although somewhat afraid of

the exposure there-in. As she reads my words I begin weeping openly. To hear those most private thoughts

expressed in a form not seen by anyone but myself was very humbling. I really heard and felt the pain and agony,

the extent of my loss outside my own heart.

Hearing my pain and turmoil expressed aloud from a perspective not solely my own was so powerful and emotional

I couldn't help but break-down.

This simple yet so complicated moment let me see just how broken I trult am.

Tears streaming again, I close with this.

In the hope that My Paula sees this I want to wish her a heart felt

"Happy 'Balentymes', Dear. I love you more than you know or I have the ability to express.

I am still passionately, completely, in love with you and always will be so.

My heart soars at the mere thought of you.

Rest well my Dear. I will be with you soon. Please wait for me".

[nats]

Chris,

She will be waiting, It's a tough time I know, keep things simple do as you feel, you might read my post today about my 4 year mark, Yes, it's today.

Keep on moving forward as you are it may not feel like it now but you are.

May Peace and Comfort Be With You

NATS

[mfh]

Chris, how brave of you to allow the leader to share what is so personal. I just know that your doing that helped someone else. I honor your choice.

Mary

[kayc]

Chris, that was a truly selfless act that I think you will be blessed for.

[boogieman]

Oh, I don't know about all that.

I just have to go with my instincts at any given time. It "felt right".

After all, what else have I got to loose?

[mfh]

Chris, I do agree...once we have lost our spouses...other losses like that seem pretty meager. But it was still brave.

[Queeniemary]

Very brave Chris, you opened yourself up, and that is never easy for us.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[liljo]

Good morning Chris,

Thank you for asking about how I was yesterday. I thought I would just watch TV all day, to distract myself, but it seemed that EVERYTHING that was on, was talking about Valentines Day, and LOVE ?, so there was no escaping it. I did make myself a pasta dinner, and had a glass of wine, then spent the rest of the night looking at things on eBay ! ( that could get to be an "expensive" distraction !).

How did you spend your day ?

I'm so glad that you had that experience at group the other night , I need to join a local group soon.

I would love the chance to just "open up", and cry, and get it all out there to someone "in person"

I think the hardest thing for me right now, is that I feel like no one is hearing ( seeing) my intense pain -

I can write about it on this site, but that's not quite the same as someone seeing me actually "wailing" !

I think that's why I have withdrawn from friends, I just feel like they don't understand, and it's too hard to try and explain it to them.

Do you see your children very often ? Does it help a bit ? Bill and I had no children, so, all I have is my dog, and cat . ( well, and my Mother is nearby, which helps)

I am going to go with my Mom and her friends today , to lunch, and then a "craft" class. This is a big deal for me, I hope I can hold it together ? ( but if I don't , no big deal ! I'm getting pretty used to crying and breaking down in public these days !)

Are you going to work on your car a bit today ? Hope so ! ?

Well, I hope your weekend is good ( as it can be).

Jo

[liljo]

Hi again Chris,

I was in the middle of writing another post, and it just disappeared ! I have no idea where it could have gone ?

I just wanted to say that - I was reading your earliest posts, and realizing that it sounds exactly how I am feeling a month into this.

My Bill and I, were just like you ,and your Paula. - "inseparable". We were together for EVERY minute of 27 years, and we lived in our own little world . I know that some people find love again, but I never will - I made a promise of that to Bill, and I meant it . I know of course that he would want me to be happy, but he was the Love of my life, and could never be replaced. That's what makes this all even harder - knowing that this is my new reality, "alone", now and for all the ( miserable) days of my life

I just that read that your Paula was only 59, just like my Bill. Why ? , and How, could two beautiful ,happy, loving persons ( and SO young) have been taken from us ? ( as you can tell, my "anger" is surfacing)

Well, I better stop writing for now.

Talk to you soon,

Jo