I Need Your Help

[mfh]

Thank you, Heidi. I will be carrying you in my heart as you honor in some way your 40th anniversary tomorrow. I know this is a tough one and I am so sorry. On our anniversary date and on other significant days I have created a little ritual that I started shortly after Bill died. I have special pictures, cards, poems he wrote in a lovely box and I will always spend some time going through those and yes there are smiles and lots of healing tears. I light a candle and sit in my meditation chair to do this so it is a very special time alone with all Bill and I shared and still have but in a new way. Today I will visit Bill's grave in honor of the Holy Saturday on which his body was buried. I will take Bentley also. I am sharing this as a thought for you that perhaps you would like to start a special ritual or tradition to honor tomorrow and other special days. It all helps but of course, the pain is there especially raw in these early days.

I love that painting of Bill and there is not a day that passes that I do not look at it and talk to him. I hold you in my heart this weekend.

Mary

[kayc]

Heidi, I never know what to say when people have anniversaries after their spouse dies..."Happy Anniversary" rings hollow when the other person is gone. But I hope the day goes alright for you and you survive it without feeling totally shattered, I guess that's the most we can hope for especially this early on, it's tough. Perhaps you can buy him a card or make one and write in it all you wish to say to him, how much he meant to you all of the years you got to spend together, and what he still means to you. I hope your kids will spend part of the day with you, it helps, at least for me it does when they come.

For me, I think I will go down and sit in my yard in front of the tree where I scattered George's ashes, and perhaps just talk to him. The wind can carry my words to him, and I pray he feels my love for him.

[boogieman]

Thank you QMary and Mary for posting those special pictures. They did my heart good. I have no portraits of

My Paula, but do have about a dozen 8" x 10" framed photos all around the house, and my photo album

of 175 other 8" x 10" photos for the pleasure of seeing My Love in our home.

Each evokes such special tender loving moments shared.

Heidi, I still keep the blinds drawn and drapes closed most of the time too. For me it is a means of shutting

out the world so My Love and I can be alone. So I can grieve in private. Strange as that sounds it does give me comfort.

You do what is best for you and Robert. Absolutely nothing wrong in wanting Robert to be still proud of you.

These gestures are not entirely for us, but for our lost loved ones too. I am quite sure he would never be "ashamed" of you no matter the circumstances.

My heart and sympathies go out to you and the deep sorrow and grief still so fresh and raw for you.

I understand.

Re-thinking the idea of the cabinet unit in our bedroom. I think it too isolating as My Paula was very gregarious and loved being in the "midst of things" even if alone.

Checking on glasses leaves me perplexed. Prices range from $250-$300 for bargain-basement types to upwards of $1,000 for exams and up-scale frames and lenses. And Medicare covers none of it unless

I need and have cataract surgery. Surely there is an affordable middle ground somewhere.

Today marks the date of My Love's Memorial Service. Going to be another tough one for me.

At least this marks the end of the second most disturbing week of our lives together.

"They" say that "time heals all wounds". Not true, but it does insulate us in time from the traumatic

events in our past. Even now, after the events of Wednesday morning, I sense a "separation" from that unbearable time one year ago. Perhaps this is partially attributed to My Paula's intercessions.

What-ever it may be, I struggle greatly and know I will continue to do so.

I do know and acknowledge that without the continuing love and caring from My Love I would

not be here today. For that I am, once again, eternally grateful My Love.

Chris

[KarenK]

Heidi, will be thinking of you tomorrow as you "endure" your 40th anniversary. I say "endure" as that is what most of us here are doing right now. Last November 19 was my first anniversary alone. It would have been our 41st. Strangely enough, my grief on that day was no greater than on any other day. Most days & nights are still filled with unending loneliness. I have no large pictures of Ron. I keep a framed small one above the computer & another in a glass cabinet along with pictures of my children & grandchildren. One has only to glance into my family room to see Ron smiling back through all the many collectibles he cherished over the years. Sadly those are diminishing as I am forced to sell things.

Chris, I am also sadly in need of new glasses for reading & driving. I use the readers from the $1 store & "wing it" when driving. Before Medicare, my exams were covered by insurance as I have early cataracts(probably not early anymore). I've not checked prices, but have heard that Walmart is reasonable. Hope you find something that your budget will support.

Mary, your portrait of Bill is lovely. He appears just as you describe him with words.

QM, love the picture of Mike. It makes me think of one of Ron & Robert in their "camo" gear on one of their hunting trips. Not the pose, but just the fact that it represents their personalities.

Luv,

Karen

[boogieman]

My heart breaks again while experiencing this difficult day, as I suspected.

My Paula is not here.

Stymied and frustrated at almost every turn today.

Glasses are a small part of this. Do I want to go with the cheapest provider?

The yard needs mowing and no English speaking people will do it for payment by check.

Oldest son facing back surgery so he is not available to do my yard or his.

I have no yard equipment at all.

Fire ant colonies and no commercial effective treatment left.

No weed killer for the weeds in the yard.

Flower beds over-ran with weeds too.

Another huge utility bill came today.

My phone service provider will not lower the rate. May have to drop it.

Cable service sold out to Comcast and might have to change all my emails and log-ins for continued use.

Just an all-around crappy day.

I miss My Love so.

[heidi1]

Mary, Kay, Chris and Karen,

Thank you for your thoughts, I have bought 40 red roses from Asda (Walmart in the U.S.) and a card, I will write in it and my daughter will laminate it, tomorrow I will take them down to the cemetery and place them on his grave. I don't keep the blinds and curtains drawn any more as we have no neighbours so are quite private anyway, otherwise I would do, I too wish to hide away now, to be alone with my grief. Every day I pray to die, many times, and every night I pray not to wake up in the morning, who knows, tonight may be the night my prayers are answered, I know Robert would have been pleased to think I followed him shortly, and everyone would know how much I loved him, although I think they already know.

Isn't it strange the way it takes away your fears, I say to people that nothing could happen to me now that's worse than has already happened Heidi.

[Wifflesnook]

Heidi

I had to face our fiftieth anniversary without my Pete and I still don't know how I did that. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this and I know how hard it is. I too keep up standards because I think Pete would hope I would. Everything I do is with him in mind. I think this will always be so. I'm with our daughter and grand daughters right now and when I cross the road to the shop I think of Pete crossing with me as he did. He has to be in my mind and it helps me a bit, though if I delve to deeply into the loss I can't bear it. Jan

[kayc]

I kept the blinds drawn for a long time but I don't anymore. I still prefer the front closed and the back of the house open so people can't see in but I can enjoy the view of the back yard and his beloved hummingbirds.

Chris, Costco has good prices on glasses. My sister has had t buy a lot of glasses over the years because she was one of the first to get a Radial Keratotomy and they botched it...her vision changes throughout the day and she has night blindness. Consequently, lots of different glasses, and she swears by Costco. I have gone to Rainbow Optics for years but won't any more, long story short, not good service, high prices. I won't get the protective covering any more because it's real soft and scratches easily...an expense I can do without. I also prefer to get glasses with snap on sunglasses rather than the kind that darkens outside. Much better for me! My glasses usually run about $700 but that's because I have progressive lenses and so many prisms in them for different things, most people's are simpler. Mary should know a lot about glasses...both Marys!

The only things I've found that works for ants is Terro. My son posted this on FB:

I wanted to try a little experiment to see if I could get rid of some of the sugar ants in our cereal cupboard. So I ground up a 60/40 mix of sugar and borax with the mortar and pestle. After one day, I'd say it works.
Supposedly they're supposed to take it back to the nest and share it with the colony. Only the greedy workers who decided to feed themselves first are shown here.

[boogieman]

Heidi, I still pray to be taken quickly. To my dismay, here it is a full year later and I still pray for deliverance.

I hope My Paula is not dissapointed in having to wait for me. We belong together. She needs me as

greatly as I need her. I wish I knew the answer to why we must wait. Each moment apart is agony.

It is ironic how fears disappear after such a devestating loss as ours. I would actually relish the possibility of

leaving here to be with My Love tonight. This last year I was so very sure I would go quickly, but no.

And you are right, what worse can happen?

It is late and I have that recurring headache again. Stress is a terrible issue to deal with.

[nats]

Thank you QMary. The hardest part of any endeavor is getting started isn't it.

Am having second thoughts on moving My Paula to the bedroom. Might be too isolated

for my convenience. You see, I still want and need free access to her.

My Paula's remains are in an antique blown glass vase she inherited from her grand-mother.

Our daughter and DIL created a very nice shadow box filled with keep-sakes and mementos, too.

I will keep them together.

The image of the "hat on the portrait" is priceless.

My brother in Fayetteville, and my brother who lives in central Texas have both invited me there at my discretion.

Not ready yet, but probably need to take them up on the invite sometime.

Hi Chris,

You need to do what your heart feels to do...I have attached a photo of Ruth's shrine in the living room, and notice the bottom,

that was her dog before we met I guess he knows where she is...she is where I feel best...the new love in my life prefers to keep her husbands

remains in her bedroom so everyone is different...as far as keeping her close I have a small glass vial encased in metal with

a window, I have some of her remains in the vial and carry it in my day bag.

I like your former post as well...I stress POSITVE energy as major factor in dealing with our grief it has done wonders for me...as well

as my faith.

NATS

Attached on Next Post

[nats]

Chris,

Here I forgot to attach, been a while since I've been here.

That was one of her favorite pieces of furniture.

NATS

[heidi1]

Chris

I understand exactly how you feel, today at 10.10am 40 years ago we were married , I sat thinking and crying at that time this morning. I love him more now than I did then, because of all the shared years in between then and now, the joys, the heartaches (yes there were heartaches as well,) all the shared memories.

We walked through life together, and now I am left crippled by grief and loss to stumble through what is left of this painful burden I call life, I was so sure I would die soon after him, and it being only 5 weeks tonight since he went, I may yet be right.

The 1st night after Robert was buried I kept thinking 'it's the 1st time he is not being looked after, he's alone' and I really wanted to go down to the cemetery in the night, but 1 of the kids was staying with me, and I knew they wouldn't let me.

I will take my 40 red roses to him this afternoon, it's a horrible day here, dull, cold, (8C) and raining, and that is in accord with what is in my heart, raining and bleak. 40 years is supposed to be a ruby wedding anniversary. I never wanted a ruby. I only wanted him. Heidi.

[boogieman]

Thank you Nats for the picture. I like the openness of your memorial. Food for thought.

Heidi, for the final 3+ years of our lives together, I was able to spend 24 hours a day

in constant care of and communion with My Paula. The abrupt ending to that special time still

resonates throughout this life I have left. The hollowness and emptiness palpable.

Despite My Love relieving me of the majority of the intensity of the emotional devastation,

I remain in a state of shock and disbelief not fully accepting the harsh reality.

It is just too much to acknowledge. Perhaps I never will. For to do so is beyond my capability.

So I remain in that foggy area between this world's harsh reality, and the one where My Love

resides without me. Why can I not join her there, and now?

As with you, my thoughts are for My Love.

Chris

[Wifflesnook]

Chris

Two years after my Pete's death I still don't accept the reality really. I don't have to if I don't want to. And if it's easier just don't accept it. Maybe one day we will

[heidi1]

Wifflesnook,

My daughter was talking yesterday to someone she knows who lost her husband 7 years ago and she said she doesn't think she really accepted he was gone for about 5 years, and this person had only been married to him for half the time you me & Chris had been married. Sometimes when I've been doing ordinary things, I feel that it isn't real, it can't be, Robert must be in bed, and I try to hold onto it, but events creep in around the corners of my mind, the hospital, the funeral.

I've been and taken the 40 red roses and the anniversary card, my daughter laminated for me. I talked to Robert for about an hour (and cried).

Chris, I have often thought it would be good if we could just lie down and will ourselves to die, I have tried.

I was never easy in myself when Robert was very far from me, he used to go up to the north of England (270miles) to sort business out once a month some years ago, before he became ill with heart failure, he always set off early and tried to be back for the night, but I was always uneasy. Now I know I'm going to feel the same when I have to go away and can't be near Robert & visit him every day.

[feralfae]

I think acceptance comes in tiny bits of shifts in our hearts and minds.

I still feel Doug here with me and I turn to him in my mind and heart for help, reassurance, advice, and comfort. I hope I never lose that sense of his presence in my life.

And as long as we are functioning well enough to keep ourselves healthy and keep up with our homes, finances, etc., then I think how we choose to live is and will be as varied and creative as are all individual lives.

I think that if Doug would decide to remove his presence, I would know it. He is still here, watching over me every day, seeing me through so much, sending little messages, and letting me know that he has not abandoned me.

The first few months when all the robberies were going on, I would wander through the forest, looking for some message from Doug, hoping to find some sign from him, hoping he would walk out of the trees and hold me. I tried to leave, but could not.

I think when we look at the love we shared with our beloved, it is easy to see why that love goes on. I don't think I will ever stop loving and wanting to be with Doug, or his spirit, or his mind. Our lives were deeply and fully shared, and I think for people who have that depth and breadth of love, it just goes on through all time.

Happy Easter.

fae

[boogieman]

Easter indeed. A time of acknowledging the sacrafice made for us by God and his son Jesus.

A time of families gathering to celebrate their common bonds and connections.

To share communion between themselves.

And the rest of us so alone and aching for that special someone who gave our lives such richness and meaning.

It breaks my heart to know there are untold multitudes of us who have only memories.

Memories that lift, and at the same time, crush our hopes.

No doubt the love continues, tempered with the reality of sadness and loneliness.

No amount of time can ever begin to overcome that inner emptiness, the aching, longing to be

with the one we so deeply love and vested ourselves into.

Like Heidi, I acknowledge that I too am so unsure of myself being left to my own devices.

My Paula gave me the confidence and self-assuredness, the ease and comfort, to be

exactly who I was, and an inspiration to be who she needed me to be.

Lacking that muse I struggle daily, hourly, alone with the remains of a life so well shared.

Tomorrow the sun will rise. We will go-on about our business in whatever manner possible.

The loneliness ever present to influence, color, and taint the outcome.

Chris

[heidi1]

Oh Chris,

I am nothing and nobody without Robert, he was the confident one, I'm just background material, I don't know what to do with myself, I used to like reading, a good murder or psychological thriller, but I can't seem to get interested, actually I haven't tried, no motivation. Robert couldn't watch TV for the last year as his sight was damaged by a previous stroke, so I've got out of the habit, now, as with reading, I'm just not interested. I used to read to him at home, he was never much of a reader, but I read books to him and he said then he could understand why I read. He didn't want the talking books, said he liked to hear my voice. So that was what I did for those 11 weeks & 1 day in the hospital, read to him, so he heard me and knew I was there. And just writing this I'm overcome again. Heidi.

[kayc]

heidi, I couldn't watch tv for a couple of years after George died, and have only recently began reading a little bit (after nearly nine years)...it does something to our focus. I mean, this is something that really jars our brains! I come and go with my hobbies...sometimes having no interest whatsoever, sometimes some. I think we just have to do our best to try and get by and accept that some days are better than others. I still do not sleep in our bed...it serves as a reminder to me that he is gone. I still cannot go into our trailer...I promised it to my son so him and his wife can use it after they get moved into their new place and have somewhere to store it. Some things are just done for me.

After posting in the behaviors section under wedding rings, and putting pictures of our rings and the necklace George had made for me, I decided to wear my necklace to church today, and built what I was going to wear around it's rubies. It brought me comfort knowing it was there, and I felt his love wearing it.

[boogieman]

Up all night last night. Class this morning. Napped and rested most of the afternoon. Met with the children to apprise them of my current status and this past weeks events. Nothing to eat today. Not hungry, no appetite at all.

Fell asleep in my chair and was wakened by the doorbell at 10:30 pm.

Who else could it be but you, My Dear?

Yes My Love, I need to go to bed, hopefully to rest tonight. You are so very dear and special to me, too.

I have chores to do tomorrow if I am up to them.

[feralfae]

Chris,

I think Your Paula was also telling you to take better care of yourself. Eat, even if you have no appetite. It is your job now to take care of you and to keep you healthy.

I love how Your Paula always seems to know just when to show up in your life to keep you on your healing path. She is the Best!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[heidi1]

Chris,

I do understand, I'm sure Fae is right though, you should eat something, I eat thousands of calories in junk each day, mostly sweets and chocolate, but I don't put any weight on at all, people think I don't eat and are quite scornful when I tell them I do. I think it's the grief burning it off, plus I have to do plenty of walking or I won't sleep at all. I don't go to bed before midnight, don't get to sleep easily, and am awake about 6.30, when it all comes to me, and I cry and pray to die. I was mowing the lawn last night until it got too dark, and we have a BIG one. My thoughts are torture to me, Robert is everywhere I look, in my every memory, a constant ache in my heart, a knot in my stomach, a cry from my soul, please don't leave me behind, please let me be where you are, today, please. Heidi.

[mfh]

Heidi, I just read about your sugar and junk food intake and just had to respond that all that sugar is probably affecting your mood. Sugar acts like a depressant...bring ing your mood down after it lifts your spirits momentarily. I hope you will consider getting better nutrition at these times when your emotions are so raw and your energy depleted. You might feel a bit better and for sure your energy will improve. Just give it some thought.

[kayc]

I was going to say the same thing but Mary beat me to it. It's so important we put healthy calories and water into our system. Mowing the lawn is good exercise and that helps us sleep better too. I'm sorry you awaken so early, but even six hours is good when you're newly grieving, I often got two or three back then. I wish I'd gotten a sleep aid then but I thought since the situation was permanent, what was the point? I have a different perspective now, I'm of the mind that sometimes we need extra help in the early days and can learn to cope better as time goes on, not needing as much "help" as we once did.

On the other hand, if I could get an intravenous supply of chocolate, just eking out a small continual amount, I think Anne and I would love that!

[heidi1]

Unfortunately I don't get 6 hours sleep, more like 4 or 5, as soon as any consciousness comes to me I'm awake, and a horrible feeling in my chest and back comes up until I start to cry, I did have one of Roberts' sleeping tablets the night before the funeral and it helped, but I took one the night after and it didn't seem to do much, I haven't bothered since. I don't have a lack of energy, certainly not for crying. I am a mess, nothing can temper the unbearable fact that Robert has died, I'm trapped in an unending nightmare. Heidi.