ShanN Posted May 31, 2013 Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 I hoped and prayed I would never have to post here... About my love. Two days ago this time 12:45pm, my honey had another stroke. And it was decided he have a nuclear brain function test. Devastation when the neurologist said there was zero brain activity. No blood flow at all. Brain Dead. At 8:05pm after my SIL BIL my stepdaughter my MIL and FIL and then myself had a few minutes with him to "say goodbye", all life support was disconnected. He only took a few breaths and his heart beat a few times and he was gone at 8:10pm. I was made a widow at age 40. I could not let go of his hand. Could not take my head off his chest. Why doesn't this feel right or real? Why do I feel like he is still at the hospital? But why whe. I wake from sleeping does my heart jump to my throat and I cannot breathe. Why do I feel like I am going to burst out sobbing but don't. My chest hurts. Literally. All I can do is hug his pillow and sleep or stare. Mary and Butch (my SIL and BIL) are keeping calls away and people. I don't want any of it. It's been such a long time since Leo was actually here at home. I never imagined he would never come home again. Never. Never. Where do I go form here I don't know. I have a cancer battle that I don't want to fight. Ok tears now I can't let them fall I will break. Sory if none of this makes sense really nothing makes much sense now. I am going back to sleep. Reality is not in my sleep its when I wake. The Valium is helping me sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 31, 2013 Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Dear Shannon, you are sharing feelings all of us know about...i.e. it does not feel real, I could not let go of his hand, and more. I too was in shock when Bill died in spite of knowing at one level that it was going to happen. I am grateful you have Leo's family and that they are listening to you. I also do hope you will be able to spend some time with someone...even if in silence. It is consoling with the right person. And with your therapist. I assume she knows. Know that my heart breaks for you and that I am keeping you in my intentions and thoughts. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted May 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Yes, my therapist knows. Has called a couple times to check on me. I know she gets it because she lost her husband four years ago. Mary is on the way way over with soup. I will try to eat something. I know I have to. Breathing is such a chore. And I want to come here and write endlessly only the words are missing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes01 Posted May 31, 2013 Report Share Posted May 31, 2013 Shannon, I am so so very sorry about Your Leo :( words can not express.... I will light a candle for you both-that you stay connected in spirit. You know he's with you. Nothing anyone can say will make not having him here better, but you are loved. I'm sorry :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Yes, my therapist knows. Has called a couple times to check on me. I know she gets it because she lost her husband four years ago. Mary is on the way way over with soup. I will try to eat something. I know I have to. Breathing is such a chore. And I want to come here and write endlessly only the words are missing... Shannon, I am so glad your therapist is checking on you and that you have a therapist who understands this kind of loss and that you are eating something. You said you just wanted to write endlessly but the words are missing. I want you to know that whatever words you find we will read them whether they even make sense or not. Just do what you feel you need to do. I hold you in the light. mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Shannon, no matter what is going on in my life, you are in my prayers. Yes we do all know what it's like to go through this devastating loss. My head felt like a fog when it happened to me. I know you are in a battle for your life and I can imagine that is going to be hard to do esp. when you've lost your greatest incentive. Try to honor Leo by doing what he would want and I'm glad you'll have some soup and so glad your SIL & BIL are there for you. If you can sleep, that's probably good for you right now. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 No words are necessary, Shannon. You are in our thoughts and prayers, whether you feel up to posting here or not. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 It's sunny out. I keep waking from my naps. Reality isn't thre at first. Takes a few seconds and then I remember my lovey is gone. The sun shines I can't comprehend how the sun could still be shining, the trees blowing, children playing, people going on with life. I feel nuts for feeling this. Mary and Butch just gave me a letter and a gift Leo had given to them I guess two years ago if he one day was not around anymore. I can't get myself to open the letter or little package. How could he do that? I don't want a letter or gift I want my husband. I guess I should feel blessed I was married to him for 5 yrs and together much longer. The drs said he would be lucky to make it to 50. He made it to 52. I am blessed for every second I had him. But I don't know my purpose now. I took care of him battling all his health issues hospitalizations and surgeries. He was my life. He was my purpose Now I don't know what my life will ever be for anymore. I'm sleepy again. Took a shower while Mary and Butch were here. Had a little bit of soup and took my Valium and need to rest. This was my song to my love at our wedding and all along http://youtu.be/H059zfymYoM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKate Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Oh Shannon, I am so so sorry for your loss of your precious Leo..You are so very new to this and I've read your post over and over while I wept..you described what I could not put into words the wrenching physical and emotional shock...its such a physical gaping wound and yes I could not breathe either, my mind would not work and I could not let my precious husband Bill go either. You are so very strong and wise to post here and I pray and hope you will continue...I've posted and then sobbed so hard I couldn't even sign back on...That is not a good thing and I hope you will post often...the members of this group are so comforting and wise. Shannon I posted your and Leo's name on my prayer door...I use bright post it notes..Your names are there for strength and comfort ....Its the main door that I go past many times a day and I breathe a prayer for you. I may not post often but know that I am faithful in prayer. Lindakate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 1, 2013 Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 Shannon, I think many of us have experienced that feeling "How can life go on now (kids playing, trees swaying)?" You are not crazy. Our worlds stopped in so many ways when our husbands/partners died. How lovely of Leo to leave you a treasure. Someday at just the right moment for you, you will open it and cherish it. Your purpose, like all of ours, right now is to grieve our loss, take care of our bodies and minds. For you, sadly, that includes going on with your chemo and healing that cancer even though I know you might ask "why"? You are in my thoughts and prayers these days and have been...I know the pain. Everyone here knows that pain. Each in our own way. And we will be here for you as you deal with your pain. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 2, 2013 Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 I remember wondering the same thing when George died...I didn't see how the sun could go on shining and people could go on living when the very reason for my existence was gone. I wish we could make this easier for you, Shannon. Thank you for sharing that song...I know it's bittersweet. You will know when you can open your present... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 It's 12:30 in the morning. I've lit a candle. With three flames in it. One for my Mama, my Nana and my Leo. The three people who loved me best and meant more than words can ever ever say and who were taken way to soon. Tears are finally streaming down my face. It's like a movie is replaying in my head of my short life with Leo and the last moments Wednesday... I wanted him to wake so badly I wanted him to squeeze my hand give me a sign tell me he knew I was there. I didn't want to let him go I didn't want to stop squeezing his hand I didn't want to walk away. I can't find solace. This is gut wrenching. And Lord it's just starting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 2, 2013 Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 Shannon, I have no words that will comfort but I do know of what you speak. It is shocking when there is no response and you know there never will be again. I can still recall my feelings when Bill took his last breath and his heart stopped...my hand was on his heart. It took me a long time before I did not feel like I was walking in a dream hoping it was a dream....and not reality. I remember later in the day going into my home office and sitting in a corner on the floor sobbing and stunned and alone. It was all so final. I say that to let you know that I and so many others do know the experience (our own version of it) that you have gone through and will go through and that we will walk with you in the days ahead. Yes, you were both robbed of a long life together and I am so sorry. I am relieved you are able to sob. I have found sobbing to be very healing. I wailed often in the early months. Once in a while I still wail. We are here with you, Shannon. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 2, 2013 Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 I remember every moment of the weekend George died. I remember four doctors, together, coming to tell me...they didn't have to, I knew as soon as I saw them. I cried out, "Not my husband!" It was more of a loud wail, I'm sure everyone heard it throughout the hospital, it was a cry of utter anguish. Shocked, stunned, desolate don't even begin to cover it. You are not alone, Shannon, we have all been through this and know first hand how hard it is, what you are feeling. As Mary said, don't be afraid to cry, let it out. Go at your own pace, however you get through this will be in your time and your way. There is no end to the grief/missing him, but the intensity of the pain will eventually begin to diminish and you will become better at adjusting...for now, just get through this hour, this minute...one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 I have to say thank you all for your kind loving supportive words. Honestly I feel like I'm just here and life is going without me. I'm just still. I kind of feel like I'm losing my grip... I don't really remember posting the posts I have. How weird is that. I have read al, your words. My heart breaks for you all too. I mean my biggest loss has been the traumatic murder of my Mama when I was young. But my Leo is gone. I can't eve n make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 2, 2013 Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 Shannon, I barely remember anything from the first four months or so after Bill died. I believe our minds protect us and slowly let the fog rise. I even found two of three different sweaters in my drawer...sweaters I bought after Bill died...ordered two and never remembered ordering the first one. I still do that on occasion. Just not present. You do not have to make sense right now. Death defies logic. We are with you. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 My SIL and BIL are concerned because I'm on many meds. Will be calling my therapist tomorrow to talk to the my psychiatrist, PCP, and oncologist about getting a visiting nurse so I don't get things messed up. I've had one years ago after my suicide attempt. He came in the morning and evening and all my meds were in a lock box. I really am just numb. I cried a lot lay night. But I'm just numb. I just can't imagine my love is really gone. It's 8:10 now... 4days yet feels like forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 3, 2013 Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 Shannon, my microwave quit before George died and I bought another one...it took me a month to realize I never got it. How do you not notice something like that? IDK, that's how my mind was when he died. That is a great idea, Shannon, getting some help with your meds. It is hard to think when you're newly grieving and you don't just have that, which is way more than enough in and of itself, but you have so much more going on. It's weird how it can feel like forever and yet like they'll be back any moment at the same time. Time becomes surreal. Hang in there, you will get through this, one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Some photos through our years... Some before marriage... Some of our wedding... One of him on the beach on our honeymoon. I look at photos... And it's not reality for me that he isn't on this earth anymore... I've cared front him from day one of us dating... Almost eight years. He has been my purpose. I know... He can still be my purpose... But I can't see that now. I can't feel that now. I don't know what I feel even. I feel like a ghost... A shell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 I just posted above... Now I'm balling like a baby. I don't know how or if I can do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 It's 2:30 in the morning. I woke with a fever, shaking, coughing, wheezing, body aches. I know I'm so much more susceptible to infection with this grief. The cancer, I've not much thought about since losing Leo Wednesday. It is so unimportant to me I guess. It doesn't matter much. I know I have to fight. But my love is gone. Mary is awake with me. She misses her big brother. She lost Leo's twin 9 yrs ago and now him. If my temp gets much higher in the next hour we are going to the ER. It was 102 when I woke an hour ago... Took Tylenol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 4, 2013 Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Oh Shannon, I'm sorry! I remember not being able to sleep, pacing the house at all hours. I didn't realize Leo had had a twin. It has to be hard for Mary too. Do let us know how you're doing when you awaken. Your pictures are beautiful, I assume that's your wedding? And the first one, is that his sister and BIL? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Kay, yes Mary is my maid of honor and Butch was Leo's best man. Leo's sis and BIL. I'm having a hard time breathing today and fever and cough. Oncologist put me on meds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 4, 2013 Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Shannon, Is your fever coming down? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted June 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2013 Kay, No it came down for a few hrs and is back to 102. I'm on Levaquin and two inhalers and nebulizer treatments and prednisone. My next chemo is in two weeks. So hopefully this was caught in time and will be getting better. Having a hard time sleeping. I'm just laying holding Leo's pillow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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