Panic Attacks

[songbird7812]

Hi, I am new to this group. I have lived with my mother the past six years and took care of her. She passed away August 4, less than a week after my brother-in-law's funeral. I have always been extremely close to my mom; as one woman told me at church, she was my soulmate. Now that she is gone, I of course miss her terribly. She was my life.

Is it a normal thing that I now have panic attacks? It has been happening to me every evening. I get very little sleep due to the anxiety. During the day, I seem to handle things better.

There is a new grief support group at my church. I would like to go, but I am afraid that if I get started thinking about things before bedtime, my panic attacks may get even worse. I tend to take on everyone else's problems also, so that might be too much for me right now. Has anyone else experienced problems with this?

I am going to have many decisions to make and I know this is weighing on me. But I am not in a good position to make those decisions right now.

Thank you for listening.

[MartyT]

Dear songbird, I'm so sorry to learn of the recent deaths of your mother and your brother-in-law, and I hope you'll accept our heartfelt sympathy.

For what it's worth, I think you are wise to wait a while before you consider attending a grief support group. Most people need to establish a bit of time and distance before they feel emotionally strong enough to attend such an in-person group. My hospice usually recommends attending around the three-to-six-month mark. As with anything else in grief, however, this is simply a guideline, because you will soon discover that although grief has many similar and predictable components, the actual journey is different for everyone, and yours will be unique to you.

I encourage you to use this time to become familiar with what is normal in grief, so you'll have a better idea of what to expect in the weeks and months ahead. You will find this online group to be a very safe and welcoming place, where you can read and learn and share, and proceed at your own pace.

Given your concern about panic attacks, I think you may find this article helpful: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[kayc]

I think Marty about covered it. I suffer from anxiety and found it very helpful to talk to my doctor about it and am on a safe, mild anti-anxiety medicine (Buspar/burpirone) that takes the edge off, so to speak, and makes it easier for me to cope, but doesn't leave me unfeeling or like a zombie.

It stands to reason, if you have anxiety that grief can intensify it. It is quite an adjustment in getting used to life without the main person in your life, for me it was my husband, for you your mother. It's a process and it does take time.

I've found it's empowering to vocalize what I am feeling and going through, and this is a perfect place to do that. If you have any close friends, it'd help to have them to talk to too, although a lot of us have found that our friends didn't have a clue when it came to grief and we were afraid of driving them off. Some we didn't have to drive off, they just left of their own accord out of their being uncomfortable with grief or perhaps feeling powerless to help us.

I want to assure you that given time and effort, we learn to build a new life with a new normal...in the beginning it does not seem possible, but eventually, it settles into one. Not like we once had but something.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it's painful and not a day goes by but what we don't miss them.

Kay

[KATPILOT]

Songbird,

I am sorry for your loss. Loosing a parent so close is indeed extremely hard. In time you will find the tools to get through this. I was at least two months after I lost my wife before I joined a group. I would not have been ready sooner. Let it happen when it happens.

You will always be welcome here

Stephen

[songbird7812]

Thank you so much for the condolences and advice! The article is very good.

It's funny how some of my friends rally around me and some seem to disappear. I find that "Let me know if you need anything" is a nice thought, but I am highly unlikely to call those people and ask for whatever. It would be more helpful for them to show up at my house and say, "OK, I am here. What can I do to help you right now? Let me wash these dishes, help you sort through your mom's stuff, run to the store, watch a movie with you, play a game, just listen...." Now that would be helpful. At least this will help me know how to help others later on.

I am taking your advice and waiting a bit before going to the support group. My gut is saying "Wait" and you all are confirming that for me.

Today I did two things to help myself. I called the doctor's office and they prescribed something for me to take at night for anxiety. I cannot live on no sleep. I also called my counselor (I already had one for other issues) and asked if there were any openings today, and they had just got a cancellation, so I am going in about an hour. I was there earlier in the week, but spent the time relaying what had happened and had little time for actual counseling. And I have been having thoughts that scare me a bit, so this is necessary. It is so hard to admit I need help. So I am proud of myself.

I miss Mama every moment, so I am blessed to have had a mom that I loved to spend time with so much.

Thanks to all of you.

[kayc]

Good for you! And you're right, people say that and I think they mean it at the time, but maybe they just don't know what to do. I learned to tell them some tangible way they could be of help to me. For instance, when George died, I had a coworker that offered "if I can do anything" and I knew he used to be a used car salesman, so I asked him to sell George's car. He did better than I possibly could have and I gave him his old camp trailer for his family to use, which was one less thing I had to sell/deal with.

[Guest babylady]

sorry for your loss. i suffer from panic attacks too. i've always been anxious, but last year when my husband was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor i started getting panic attacks. my doc put me on ativan. he's been gone for over a year and the last few months i wake up almost every day with a panic attack. i also get them during the day, but the frequency varies. i don't like taking the ativan, but i tell myself that's what i have them for.

arlene

[keyboardplayer]

If it makes you feel any better, our family had several losses back to bak, including my baby sister, which nearly put me over the edge and I almost did something stupid. For about a year or longer (I had such high anxiety that I had to carry around a teddy bear in my purse everywhere I went. I still like to travel with a bear as I'm an avid bear collector, but now it's just because I enjoy it as a weird, nerdy hobby. Back then, though, if he wasn't near by I felt very uncomfortable. That was very annoying needless to say. I've just had another loss, and this time it was the person who was the closest to me in the world, and I was scared I was going to go bac into that. Oh well, better the bear than medication that didn't work.

[kayc]

keyboardplayer,

Have you seen a therapist for help with your anxiety, or just a doctor that prescribes medicines? Perhaps a therapist might be able to help where the medicine didn't. On the loss of spouse section, we have a thread going on meditation, finding that meditation often is of invaluable help in dealing with loss and anxiety. You might want to give that thread a look over and read some of the posts and links contained there, realizing it is not in the learning about meditation that brings us the release, but in the putting it into play.

I'm sorry for your loss and wish you the best in your learning to cope with this.

[keyboardplayer]

I was seeing a therapist, but I'm not now. Thankfully I'm doing a lot better with the anxiety, as I think a lot of it was caused by my abusive ex, and then it got worse after he cheated on me. I basically felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Now I've just lost the one person who I knew had my back, so I'm afraid I'll get back into anxiety again, but I'm trying to avoid it. The main thing I'm worried about is that when I meet people, that they'll either think I'm nuts or not like me, stab me in the back, or pass away on me, as my life has virtually been people steadily passing away on me for the past three years. The good thing is that I'm not having to deal with the ex's negativity anymore, and everybody says I'm a lot better person since that troll is gone.

[kayc]

The main thing is that you like yourself, and others will follow suit. Having had someone so negative in your history, it's important to listen to new voices within, and not whatever he fed you. I know...I've been there.

[keyboardplayer]

So much word. I'm doing a lot better now that the dude is gone. Maybe that's why people have said I'm handling Meemaw's passing better than I did my sister's passing. At least I'm trying, but it does help not to have to deal with his BS along with the grief.

[kayc]

Yes, there is a relief that comes when we separate from our abuser.