Newly Widowed

[ohsosad]

This is my first post. My husband died 7 days ago. I am sobbing hours each day. When I have more strength I will tell his story but for now I just want to see if I'm posting correctly and hope to begin a dialogue with others who are suffering as I am.

[mfh]

This is my first post. My husband died 7 days ago. I am sobbing hours each day. When I have more strength I will tell his story but for now I just want to see if I'm posting correctly and hope to begin a dialogue with others who are suffering as I am.

I am so sorry. Of course you are sobbing hours each day...even wailing perhaps. You are posting correctly and we are here for you and with you....do let us know your story and we will walk through this with you. In the spousal loss forum, we have all been there. I still remember that first week well and those early months. The pain feels close to unbearable early on. We are here and we will wrap our arms around you (so to speak) as you share with us.

Mary

[kayc]

ohsosad, I am sorry you lost your husband, seven days is so fresh, you may not remember a lot of this time later, it kind of blurs. I hope you will let us walk through this with you, there are others here with fresh grief, loss of spouse. Try to take a day (or moment) at a time and eat something healthy even if you don't feel like it, and lots of water. Walks helps too. Do you have someone there with you?

[texylady]

so sad, seeing that people are still losing their loved ones makes me realize that life is going on, like it or not. Today is the three month mark that Rick has been gone. Sometimes I forget what brought me to this foreign land of decisions and sadness. Then I see his picture and it all comes back. And today would have been my cousin's 50th birthday. He had pancreatic c before Rick.

[ohsosad]

My husband Steve had diabetes and his kidney function had declined to a point where he had to start dialysis this past January. He had restless leg syndrome very bad and it made it impossible for him to sit still in the dialysis chair for the 4 hour treatments. So a friend and I learned how to do dialysis treatments at home in shorter segments on a daily basis. We did the treatments through a catheter that had been implanted in his chest/neck area. He hated the sessions and hated being sick. He had been a very productive person - a pianist, a composer (hundreds of published music pieces), an author (30 books), a teacher, a public speaker - a brilliant person who seemed to know so much about every topic. The dialysis treatments tied him to home and he lost interest in everything. There was more going on with him physically and mentally that neither he nor I nor the doctors understood. I suspect he had some mini-strokes because he had trouble with everyday things such as emailing, changing channels on tv, balancing his checkbook. And physically he was in alot of pain much of the time. The doctors insisted things would get better with time but they got worse. In April he became septic and was rushed to the hospital. The catheter had become infected. He was hospitalized for over a week and then needed IV antibiotics for another week. He still felt unwell and complained of excruciating back pain in early May. By the last week of May he was hospitalized again and it was determined he had a blood infection that had settled in his spine and also his heart. A brain scan showed he had clots which may have shot off from the heart infection. They put in a new catheter since the old one was thought to be the source of the infection and they wanted to continue his dialysis. He aspirated during that procedure so they put in a ventilator. He spent the next 10 days struggling with the ventilator. The antibiotics could not clear the infection. Surgery on the heart would most likely kill him. He was unable to speak and in terrible pain, but the doctors and I were able to ask him if he wanted them to attempt heart surgery, if he wanted to continue dialysis; his answers were no to both. The doctor asked if he understood what that meant. He nodded yes. This was about the 3rd week of his hospital stay. The next few days he was in palliative care in the hospital and then transferred to a hospice where he died 3 days later.

That's his story. I can't say more now because I'm crying too much. I feel like I'm dying too.

[mfh]

Sosad, Thank you for sharing the story of your husband's illness and death. It was been along painful road for him and for you. I do understand why you feel like you are also dying. Losing our spouses/partners is like losing part of us...it is losing part of us. Right now it is one day at a time...that is the only way through this gut wrenching pain. Your husband, like mine, was one of those brilliant and talented people who just do not know how to handle it when they can no longer do all they have been doing all their lives. It is so painful to watch. I understand well.

Right now it is time to feel your pain (as if you had a choice), take care of your body (good food as I said, water, some mild exercise if you can make yourself do that). You are far more exhausted than you even know. Grief in itself is exhausting and you have been through months of caregiving and worry, decisions and stress. I suggest you do not take on anything that is not essential. Sharing your feelings here helps many as we are in a safe circle of people who are also grieving. Those of us who have some months and years behind us can reassure you that your feelings are normal and the pain will subside. I did not believe that either but it has subsided and those waves do not come in as often.

Thank you for sharing with us. Do you have questions we can address?

[kayc]

ohsosad,

Thank you for sharing that with us, I know that was hard to share. Your husband must have been a tremendous person (still is). What kind of music did he compose? I have Diabetes and the future scares me. My George had Diabetes too and that undoubtedly led to his heart attack. Sometimes I feel he was the lucky one, the hard part was staying here and trying to survive after he left.

How are you sleeping?

[ohsosad]

I sleep a few hours at a time. When I wake up during the night the reality that he is not in the house is stabbing. I've dreamed about him every night since he died last week and then to wake up to the realization that he is gone is so shocking. In answer to your question, he composed choral music and has hundreds of compositions in print which are used by schools and church choirs. His books ranged from fiction to non-fiction.

He worked so hard all his life and now is the time he should be out enjoying a walk, playing golf, taking trips to see friends. But dialysis ruined it all. He was sick and angry and sad and it was heartbreaking to see. I'd get so mad at him if he ate the wrong foods and then we'd argue. Now I'm sorry. I was stressed out doing all that was involved with the dialysis and lost my temper so many times. I wish I could take it all back. So much regret. And I worry that perhaps I wasn't careful enough in doing his treatments and may have caused the infection that brought on his death. Guilt. And more guilt for the times over the years when we fought. I didn't ever think about him not being here. It's not real until it happens to you.

[mfh]

ohsosad, I do understand waking up after a dream. It is like losing him all over again while at the same time loving being with him in the dream. Bittersweet. Some believe that when we dream of our loved one it is that they are coming to us...I choose to believe that.

Everyone here understands your feeling of wishing you had said or not said something. There is no perfect but you did your best as all of us did. I also understand your regrets that flowed from exhaustion and stress. We tend of to blame ourselves, question what we did and did not do when we tried so hard in the worst of conditions. I did the same thing and one day the light bulb went on that when one person is so sick especially over time, both people are patients and only one is getting taken care of. We caregivers needed as much care as our patient was getting and so we did our best through exhaustion and stress. All couples have times in their marriages when they argue and when they appear to fail the others. It is universal because we are human, imperfect humans. All that said, I know it does not take away your guilt or regrets but do attempt to remind yourself of the other side of the picture also.

I carry you in my heart,

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Ohsosad, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in such pain now, and so new to this grief. You have found a wonderful place to come for help, Marty and Mary have such wisdom and understanding, as well as many others on this site. I came here about 3 months after my husband died in 2010, and have found great help here. We have become a family, and we do understand the grief and despair you are experiencing. Sending you warm hugs and you are in my thoughts.

QMary

[kayc]

It's true, after they die we relive everything said and done, but the truth is, they knew we loved them beyond life itself, and you gave him the best care that you could...he knows that. It was likely he was to get an infection one way or another, it's pretty common and not easy to prevent. In the early days it's like you forget momentarily they're gone and then get the rude awakening all over again and it hits you afresh...with time that will lessen as it begins to sink in.

I love choral music, a guy from my church was in a chorus for many many years, we had another one too (he died), they could sure sing! After George died he gave me a ticket to one of their performances, and that was the one highlight I had that year following his death.

[enna]

I want to express my deepest sympathy to you over the loss of your husband Steve, ohsosad. Thank you for sharing your story. Those of us who have lost spouses can tell you that none of this seems real and it won't for a very long time. I wish there were some magic words that I could give you to make you feel better, but there aren't. What we do is allow the pain to come and know that what we need to do is 'normal' as we grieve.

Taking care of ourselves is the one thing that most of us don't do. Your care of your Steve went on for a long time and I'm sure that caring for yourself wasn't uppermost in your mind so now you need to do that. It starts with rest, eating right, walking, and just doing what you need to do one day at a time.

I can assure you that there is not one person who has been a caregiver who has not lost their temper while caring for their loved one. We do the best we can and regrets are only feelings that we need not hold on to.

I know that feeling you talk about when you say that you feel like you are dying...

One of the most important things that I can share with you is the importance of talking ~ talking helps us to heal. We have a wonderful group of people here who know how to listen. Listening validates who we are and what we are going through. We each have a story and the more we get our stories out there the easier it is to begin the work that we will do ~ I think.

Anne

[Norskie]

Dear Ohsosad, I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief and shock are still so raw. I am finding practical advice and lots of support here. I am sad you have joined us, but I am glad you found such a wonderful group. Dreaming of your husband is a mixed blessing...I understand the absolute joy of being with him and complete devastation when he is gone. I don't have much advice...still looking for ways to cope, too. I wish you peace and send you love and hugs~ Deb

[enna]

Dear Deb,

I missed your first post and I just want to tell you how very sorry I am that you lost your husband, Park, in April. How are you doing? Have you talked with a grief counselor? When you mentioned that you are "still looking for ways to cope" that would be a good place to start. Most of us are in shock for months after the death of our loved one. It takes time and feeling "complete devastation" is how it is with so many of us. I have found that reading helped me. I needed to understand this void I was in since even though I have lost very close family and friends the loss of my Jim was/is a devastating blow ~ one I am still working on dealing with after two years.

This is a very caring place and reading about what others have gone or are going through has helped me.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Deb,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband. Anne's suggestion of a grief counselor is a very good one, and as well, I hope that you are able to take care of your own health and well-being. I know it is hard to get in touch with our physical bodies when we are in such shock, grief, and pain, but remember to stay hydrated and eat healthy foods.

It took me months after Doug left to be able to do very much in a coherent fashion, but I was helped by my grief counselor and a grief support group.

Deb, I think coping begins when we can reach out and ask for help in every area where we need it. Sometimes it is hard to express our needs to others, because how do we describe the need to have our broken hearts mended? That is one good reason to have a grief counselor or grief support group. Come here often and share with us. This place has been a blessing and truly a rock in the shifting emotional sands of grief. If you have not visited Marty's and Mary's sites, you will find a lot of solace and wonderful, comforting wisdom on them. You can reach their sites by clicking on their avatar, then scrolling around on the sites to see what resources are offered. Marty has a course for the newly-bereaved and Mary has insightful information and blog posts as well. Both Marty and Mary read our posts and often comment when they can help.

I am sorry for your grief and pain. Yesterday, it was 29 months since Doug left, and some days, it seems like a thousand years, while other days it feels as though he just left a few days ago. Whatever you do, know that this journey is a healing journey, and that while the days are difficult, we do learn better how to deal with our loss, and we do find some joy and peace again.

Bless you, and peace to you through these painful days of early fog and confusion. Come here often. Let us know how you are doing.

feralfae

[kayc]

Honestly, even though it's been nine years for me, it doesn't seem like it. I'm glad Deborah still comes here because she's about my time line. I made some mistakes earlier in my grief journey, I think trying to push back the grief but that doesn't help, it's still there facing you when all is said and done. There's not a day goes by but what I miss George. I don't cry often anymore, but there is a kind of sadness you carry inside you. That doesn't mean you can't have happy moments, I have those too. It's kind of hard to explain to those who haven't been through it, but once you have, you understand what I'm saying.

The first few months were frantic for me, I felt desolate, scared, anxious, you name it. I couldn't sleep, I cried a lot, I paced. I didn't have focus. I couldn't read, couldn't watch t.v. Friends disappeared quickly. My brain wasn't operating optimally. I caught myself making mistakes at work that I never would have before. The brain function has slowly improved although I can honestly say my focus was never quite the same again. I never knew grief was so all encompassing as this, but it is. it does help to work on it, to express yourself. Use art, therapy, this forum, anything that helps you work through your feelings. This place is a great sounding board.

[ohsosad]

I just wrote a post and then the computer wouldn't take it--maybe because there's a storm outside and the satellite may be messed up. I'm just going to see if this goes before I write again.

[ohsosad]

Well, ok. Now I can write. What I had written and was lost was that tomorrow I have an appt. with my lawyer to straighten things out and I dread going. Actually I dread going anywhere these days. I just want to stay home. I drove to the Salvation Army today to give them some of Steve's clothes. That was hard. Alot of crying on that ride. Yesterday they came and took away his dialysis machine - the same guy who delivered it in January. He said, what happened, he's going to the clinic now for his treatments? I had to say, no, he died, and then I just left the room sobbing. Awful.

A tree fell on the roof and I got an estimate of $7000 to repair it. The insurance co.'s estimate was $1800. My deductible is $1000. This is the kind of thing I want Steve to help me with but he's gone.

When I think about never seeing him again - that his body no longer exists - I get a sick stabbing feeling in my stomach. The same feeling I get when I wake up and remember that this horrible thing has really happened.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry. I do know how hard all of this is. Tell the ins. co. they need to pay a legitimate amount and if they know someone who can do it for $1800 to let you know who they are, make sure they're bonded. $7000 seems pretty high to me, what kind of damage did it do? Is there a friend of the family, brother, someone who can deal with this?

Just giving away some of Steve's clothes was quite a feat in itself. It's hard.

[Norskie]

Hi again. Thank you for your compassion and understanding and practical advice. I am looking for a grief group...it is still hard to get dressed every day and venture out. I make a point of dressing now; the first few weeks, not so much. I have been reading a wonderful book, "Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. She also has this t-shirt we have, and I have found validation and a commonality in her experiences.

My husband was an amazing guy. We had been dating about two years when he was diagnosed. He gave me the opportunity to run...never even crossed my mind! We went through a few rounds of chemo, and then we learned the lymphoma was in his brain. Park was the smartest man I have ever known. He became confused and child like. We went for intrathecal treatment; they said he'd never fly again, but he would enjoy a little time working in the yard and greenhouse. Park was an evac helicopter pilot and saved many lives. He also taught other pilots to fly and to recover from engine failures. I never had the pleasure of flying with him, which makes me sad. Yet another thing we didn't get to do together.... Anyway, my brilliant man regained his thoughts and creativity. We drove a steam train together--one of his lifelong dreams. He beat their predictions by a few months. We married after he got out of the hospital in Tucson...a small ceremony in Mom's backyard. It was, the happiest day of my life, in spite of what we knew was coming. Park told me he had never been happier than he was with me...we built a good life together and were still making plans the night before he died. The timing of his death in late April surprised both of us. I am thankful that he is no longer in pain. Other than that, I am still angry and disappointed that he is gone. I miss him all the time. Park was the love of my life, and I just feel lost without him now.

I thank you for listening and understanding. Some of my friends have disappeared, but a few are hanging in there with me. Thank God for them...and for you. Deb. P.S. I adopted a basset named Katie. She makes sure I get up and move!

[kayc]

Deb,

Adopting a dog is one of the best moves I've made! He has literally saved my life when I was down, he gave me incentive and reason to live, I'm sure you'll enjoy your Katie. You'll have to share a picture of her in our "furry friends" thread.

You guys look very young in your picture. George and I didn't get to be married for very long either...3 yrs, 8 mos. He was my soulmate, the love of my life.

I'm glad you found a book that is helping. When George died, I lost my ability to focus and I just couldn't read books anymore. I'd try. I have so many unfinished books. I am just now starting to read books a bit, it's taken so long to get to this point, and I was an avid reader before.

I lost all of my friends when George died, but gained a new one through it. That's more common than you'd think. It's still hard for me to get out and try to make friends, feeling like they'll just disappear anyway. I'm glad all of yours didn't run.

[ohsosad]

I survived the appt. with my lawyer today but cried from the moment I got into the car through the appt. through the trip to the court to file the death certificate through that process and then left. About a half dozen people handed me a box of tissues throughout the ordeal. Then since I was driving Steve's car I stopped at the dealer's where he bought it 2 years ago and told them he had died and I wanted to sell it. More sobbing. More boxes of tissues appeared from nowhere. Everyone was kind to me but I just could not wait to get home and be alone again. I finally stopped sobbing when I walked into the house and was greeted by my family - Emma, a mini pit bull with 3 legs (owner abused), and Morgan, a great pyrennes found as a stray last year. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't get up in the morning or go outside the door. I just took a look at the pet forum and saw Mary is dealing with a major health issue with her precious Bentley, and I extend my condolences to her for that. Steve and I had 15 dogs, most rescued, during our marriage. When each dog died, Steve had a plague made with the dog's picture and a saying that described something about that particular dog. They are all mounted on a wall in the living room. So much loss on that wall, and now Steve is gone too. Loss and sadness. The most recent death was Sam who died on May 1st. Now Steve on June 26th. Loss, loss, loss.

[kayc]

It had to be a really rough day, I'm glad it's done. I'm glad you have your furry family to come home to, it literally saves me.

[SadLynn]

Dear Ohsosad,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Steve. I lost my husband Ben just over 3 months ago after a 3 1/2 year battle with liver cancer. Everything you have written I understand. I have felt those exact same things, but I did find this forum and I have started seeing a grief counselor and it does help. This forum is a life line to us and helps us to be able to just express ourselves and also to be able to ask for advice from those who know what we are going through because they have been where we are now. Keep putting one foot in front of the other everyday even if it is only a little step each day. It is very hard but I know you can do it because I am doing it even though I don't want to. I will not tell you that it will get any easier any time soon, but you will not be alone through this new journey. I am hugging you right now and crying with you as I feel your pain because it is my pain also. God Bless You!

Sadlynn

[Norskie]

Ohsosad, I hope today will be just a little bit better for you. Glad you have your furry family waiting at home for you. Katie and I have been together just over four days, and she's already made a difference for me.

Take naps as you need them and let the tears come.... Hugs, Dear Lady. Deb