Cheesehead Posted December 15, 2005 Report Share Posted December 15, 2005 I was not present when my mom had her stroke. I keep replaying what might have happened in my head and I've been questioning my stepdad (who was there) a lot about it. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to know everything she might have thought/felt during her last moments. Is this typical? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aunt Posted December 15, 2005 Report Share Posted December 15, 2005 hi cheeseheadi am so sorry about your mom when i read your post i just had to reply, even tho our circumstances are not exactly the same.i lost my nephew in august. he was 21, my sister's only child. it has been hell.it has been 4.5 months and we are only just beginning to stop obsessing over the details of what happened, and what he may have experienced in his final moments. it was a car accident that took his life.we have pursued our "need to know", pretty much to the end of the line. he was alone and there were no witnesses, so there is only so much information to be had, but we had to have it. my sister, and myself especially. my mother also. we have obtained medical and police reports, as well as contacting the officer who was first on the scene. it is hard and painful, but necessary. we have struggled with every new piece of info. it's hard to explain, maybe impossible to explain. we just deal with the information, cry over it or whatever, and in a few days or a few weeks, even tho the pain of the loss is still unbearable at times, and the reality is still unbelievable, it does help to know whatever there is to be known. it is certainly better than NOT knowing, and wondering, and imagining the worst.please see my post and especially the reply posts from Marty T in:LOSS OF A CHILD --> where do i fit in? (lost my nephew)i think the responses i got here will help you also.i know you must be going thru a very bad time right now. i hope this helps in some way. i am sincerely sorry for your loss.aunt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maylissa Posted December 16, 2005 Report Share Posted December 16, 2005 I've suffered with this same feeling of needing to know, for all of 2 years since my Mom died, without any family there, of a stroke. I still have a lot of anger about it because of 2 things:~ the chief medical officer of the rehab centre where she died either lied, or couldn't have been bothered to look closely enough, about what was listed on her death certificate as to all medical conditions she had upon her death. I know this because of a personal contact I had who told me what was on there prior to me phoning this doctor. I also spoke with the doctor who was on call that night, and got the same song and dance from him. To this day, I don't know what they were trying to hide from me. It's not like there was anything new that I didn't already know about, I just wanted to hear it from them, but they both only mentioned the leading cause of death, even when I asked if there was anything else that was written anywhere on the certificate. ( I'm now also running into the same kind of nonsense at the home where my father is; has one serious disease that they never told me about in all of 2 years )~ the nurse who made THE call actually sounded rather cheery when she told me my Mother had just died. I was wailing before the receiver even hit the cradle and I hope she caught a snatch of that! I later asked the chief medical officer if he could have one of the staff call me as I wanted to know how her last couple of days had been, if she'd talked about me at all, whether anyone had been with her at all before or while she died, and generally what things were like for her that day and beforehand ( she'd recently improved, so her sudden passing was unexpected at that time ). No one ever called. I made the request again about a month later, and still no one ever called. I was far too upset and exhausted to keep badgering them and no one stepped up to the plate to pursue it further on my behalf, even my husband, so all this time I've never known a thing about her final days. I was all alone in almost everything surrounding her death. My father had severe dementia and didn't talk to me as a rule anyway, plus his 'stories' were too often just that, so I couldn't have trusted anything he said anyway. I'm still so bloody angry that the staff, especially the one nurse I'd been liasing with for 6 months ( a rather cold-hearted woman who no one who met her liked ) didn't even have the courtesy and respect to get back to me, even though she, personally, wasn't there that night...but she was in charge of that ward's staff, so she could have found who was. They just wanted my Mother out of their hair, mainly because of my father's behaviour over the time she was there, and obviously didn't care about any other family members who'd been around, expresssing care, either. I now HATE and completely distrust the 'medical establishment'. They all put on such helpful faces at the beginning, then showed their true colours as the months wore on. I'd rather be dead than be forced to be under their 'care'! So there's been NO end to the mysteries around my Mother's life and then her death. I still feel like I'm in limbo regarding this whole thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 12, 2006 Report Share Posted August 12, 2006 Hi All,I just wanted to write to tell you what happened to me, my mom, dad, and I were on vacation in Las Vegas and on our very last morning there I got up and was packing. Than my dad got up and we were making quite alot of noise and it did not seem to make my mom wake up.. My dad went over and shock her and she did not wake up and so I went over and pinched her and still nothing happened. We finally after about ten minutes of trying phoned down to the front desk of the hotel and they sent up their hotel doctor.. The hotel doctor came in and took one look at my mom and called an ambulance.. My dad and I could not believe what was going on.. Once the ambulance attendants arrived they came in and worked on her for about an hour and could not wake her up.. They told us that they were going to transport her to the hospital and so dad and the attendants left for the hospital and I had to stay behind and wait.. I had to go to the front desk to tell them that we were not leaving and the reason.. Than as my dad left he handed me some money and told me to stay in the hotel and he would call later... He did call about three hours later and told me that mom was in a coma.... Mom died four days later with some of her family with her... But the cause of death was a mystery to us all until for received the final papers from the funeral home in Las Vegas.. She died of a diabetic coma, weird because we did not know she was diabetic... I hope this rambling on was okay.... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amanda Posted August 13, 2006 Report Share Posted August 13, 2006 hi shelley,dont think that you are rambling we all need to talk about what happened to our loved ones.Better on this board than telling everyone you meet,which i tend to do.At first i couldnt talk to anyone about it ,now i cant stop myself,embarrasing or what.As ive said before the english tend not to talk about there feelings so i am strange but hey do what makes you feel better.Its taken time but hopefully by talking about it more i will start to accept more,i still have days when i cant believe mum is gone,i cant remember what she sounded like and that really gets to me,how could i forget that?one day at time and planning for a future is how im dealing with it now.take careloads of love amanda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 13, 2006 Report Share Posted August 13, 2006 Hi Amanda,I too have forgot what my mom sounds like and it kills me to think I did that.. I even some days have trouble with remembering what she looks like.. So you are not alone and I will always be here for someone to talk with... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 Amanda and Shelley,I don't think you have forgotten. I think your mind is just taking a little break to protect you. You will remember their voices and be able to instantly get a picture of them in your mind when your mind is ready, don't worry.Hugs to you both,Shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 Hi Shell,I hope you are right, I do not want to forget her.. I love her so very much..Thank you for your post you have helped me yet another time... Take care and God Bless You Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amanda Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 hi shell,i really hope you right too.its just so frustrating when you are trying to remember and cant.my new saying to myself is I LOVE LIFE rather than life sucks,im really trying to be positive and i think it helps a little.take careloads of love amanda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 Hi Amanda,I like your new saying maybe I should try it... I also trying to be more postive, I am doing something both mom and dad wanted me to do... I am going to learn to drive.... Watch out for me people I am on the streets... Ha! Ha!Take care and God Bless Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 Shelley, I just wanted to say, You go, girl!! Hooray for you! I know this is an incredibly brave thing for you to do, and we are very, very proud of you! I'm sure that when you're ready to tackle the open road, you will be a very careful, responsible driver, and I'll share the highway with you any day of the week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul S Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 All in all, I'm staying on THIS side of the border! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 Hi Marty T and Paul S,,Thank you for your posts and yes if I were you I would stay cross the border too.. because who knows how good I will be HA! HA! Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 15, 2006 Report Share Posted August 15, 2006 Hi Marty T,You are right when you said that it was a brave thing for me to do.. I have been so scared of learning to drive for so very long that it has taken 41 years for me to believe that maybe I actually can do it...I hated when my dad used to drive me everywhere I thought that he really must have hated me for making him do it all the time... I was not being difficult about wanting to learn it was just that I was scared to death to learn... I am still scared to death but I know that learning to drive would be one way to thank my parents for what they had done for me over the last 40 years I lived with them... It would be kind of a tribute to their memory.... Take care and God Bless You Marty. Beep! Beep! shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shell Posted August 15, 2006 Report Share Posted August 15, 2006 Shelley,Wow, how cool! You are going to do great and I think it is brave and wonderful that you are willing to try! And, you're right, it is a touching tribute to your parents memeory.Amanda,You are so right...we all need to be more positive! I try to think of all the good things in my life (including this board ) anytime I start to go into the "life sucks" mode. Good for you!Hugs to all,Shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 15, 2006 Report Share Posted August 15, 2006 Hi Shell,I just wanted to thank you for the encouragement and I will try my best to do what I can to learn to drive even if I am scared to death... Thanks again Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorikelly Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 Shelly My mom didn't learn to drive until she was almost 50 so you can do it. Be proud of your self and get driving. lori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 Hi Lorikelly,Thank you for the encouraging words and I will post when I have taken my G1 and let everyone know how it goes Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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