Devastated

[Queeniemary]

I am not sure that this is a proper place to post this, and Marty, if not, just feel free to remove it. I will understand. I just needed to share something that has rocked my family's foundation.

My family is going through a different kind of grief, other than grief through the death of a family member, although it feels like a death. My nephew by marriage, a preacher and a teacher, married to my niece (also a teacher) for 25 years this month has been arrested for child porn on the internet. Our family is just devastated. They have 4 teenage sons, the oldest just graduated from high school. My sister and her husband are in their late 70s and this is just more than they should have to deal with. I love this man, but I am so angry at him right now. I know this is an illness, and we have now learned he was molested as a child. BUT what he has done to his family by not seeking help before it came to this point is really hard to forgive. There are all types of grief, and I am grieving for the young man I have knows for 25 years, and loved as a family member. Their family, indeed, the rest of us in the family, will never be the same. I am just asking my tribe here to remember my family in prayer, especially for my sweet niece, and for me to be able to forgive. I have so much anger toward him in my heart right now.

QMary

[mfh]

Mary, I am so sorry this has happened to your family. Yes, it rocks the foundation. It is indeed grief and your sister and her husband have to be just devastated to see their daughter and their sons as well as all of the family go through this especially when so many do not comprehend that this is an illness. I hold all of you in the light and in my heart.

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, I am so sorry this illness has visited your family. It is a devastating illness, and I can only imagine how much everyone is suffering, grasping from some understanding and balance in the midst of something that carries so much social stigma and which society sees with harshest judgement.

I am so sorry for your sister and her husband. I know that these issues and their consequences can ripple throughout the family. I hope they can find a good counselor to help them work through the pain and shock of this time. I am sorry for you that you are in this circle of concern and upset.

I feel especially sorry for the sons who are still in school, because they are young enough to have trouble comprehending this, and the gossip and rumor will be hard on them. They, especially, may need some counseling to separate themselves emotionally from the actions of their father. They will need some good self-protection skills and also some mature understanding of their father's actions. This is a sad time for everyone. You and your family are in my prayers.

Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

Oh Mary, I am so sorry! Yes it will be hard for your niece, but especially for their children. Stuff like this makes the news and it's so hard for them to live down. You are right, it changes families forever. She is facing some hard decisions now and I pray for strength for her, she will need it. This will rock their church too. Right now what he's feeling is beyond description, but it has to be the lowest point of his life...and you're right to feel anger for what he's brought on everyone. My George was raped when he was about 11 and it affected him so much, the consequences are far reaching. It took years and years to redeem his life from the muddle, but it happened and it can happen for your niece's husband. The first step is wanting help, accepting responsibility for one's own actions, and empathizing for those you've hurt. George had to be taught how to with therapy, but eventually he came to be the man I knew and loved...the most caring person in the world. It amazes me when I look back where he came from.

And you're right, this is a loss, the loss of a family as you knew it. My heart is with you today as you struggle to assimilate this news. fae, you're right, the children will need counseling.

[MartyT]

Mary, my dear, I can only add my voice to what's been said already. My heart reaches out to you, and I'm so sorry.

This is indeed a different kind of grief, but it is grief nonetheless, and the losses you're experiencing in your family are very, very real. Like any other grief, this is a process, not a single event, and it will take some time and some work on everyone's part to digest it and come to terms with all of it. Certainly some of you may benefit from seeking some in-person professional support for this, and I hope your family will give that some serious consideration.

Please know that as you work your way through this, we are here for you, holding you close and keeping your entire family in our thoughts and prayers. ♥

[enna]

My dear QMary, I am here, as are all of us, holding you close. Prayers are for all in your family right now.

[Wifflesnook]

QMary, we share stuff here. I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. Jan

[Queeniemary]

Thank you so much for the loving support. My brother in law has been in the Baptist ministry since he was 19, and my sister with him. He is still actively involved in ministry. This is such a terrible blow for them, and they are being as supportive as they can. Their biggest concern, naturally, is for their daughter and grandsons, but they are trying to be supportive to their son in law also. I am afraid they are much bigger people than I am able to be right now. Thank you for your prayers, and your concern, it is greatly appreciated.

QMary

[HAP]

Mary, I have no words. I hold you all in my heart and in my mind as you face this. Not knowing the details, I will tell you there are cases where this is a mistake--where the person's computer has been hacked. Hard to imagine, I know.

It is also entirely possible he has done this, in which case it is very hard to forgive--and I can understand your rage. I feel it myself, and I don't even know him. Faith may tell us to hate the sin and forgive the sinner, but this kind of thing is hard to get there with. Please know we are all here for you and yours as you go through this.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Thank you Harry. He has admitted it all. He says he has struggled with it for years. My sister's first thought is that he was hacked, but he honestly told her, no, that he had done it. He has denied nothing. He wants to pay for what he has done, he wants help. I just wish he had looked for help before life as they knew it was destroyed. It has been in many of the Arkansas papers, and on the news. This is so hard for my sister and her husband, neither of whom are in the best of health. My brother in law is one of the kindest men I have ever known, and has found a counselor for his son in law. He will stand by him, but I know it will be hard. I just don't know how that is going to work out with a counselor, as he is in jail now, and probably will be sentenced to a prison term. My problem is wrapping my mind around what has occurred, he is probably the last person that I would have believed had an illness like this. My niece is standing by him, she loves him, but I think a time will come when she comes to a realization that for much, if not all, of their marriage, he had this horrible illness, and she never knew. She will realize that the trust she placed in him, was for the most part, based on deception.

And yes, Harry, I do feel rage, and I know I need to work on that. It will help no one.

QMary

[kayc]

Mary,

It will take time for it to all sink in to your niece and she will fully realize everything little by little. She may be standing by him today but may realize a different route tomorrow as she realizes the impact to the family and the full extent of deception to her and their children over the years. Some states offer rehab in prison, some do not. In Oregon they used to have it, and no longer do. George was admitted to an 18 month in house rehab but 4 1/2 months into it they disbanded it, which was held against him years later as "not completing state offered rehab". The state is a joke. Some of the "rehab" they offered was horrible, but he learned to glean what was good and helpful and let go of the rest, a wise move. All I know is, what he did get, saved his life. They taught him so much in that short time! It completely changed him. He worked very hard at it and continued to his life long. He took enough college courses to very nearly earn a degree in psychology...in an effort to understand himself and better himself. That combined with his newly found Christian faith made him the man I knew and loved. I spoke with his ex-wife after his death and she said "You weren't married to the man I was." I told her yes I knew that, that he'd told me where he'd been and his journey to today and thank God for the changes! To me, that is the whole purpose of redemption. I have had many a person shun me for loving George as well as him, even within the church world...they did not understand how I could, but they didn't get it...he really had changed night and day. There were some who would vouch for him, though, those who truly knew him through and through. I only wish your nephew-in-law had gotten help years ago instead of getting to this point. But it is never too late to change, starting with this moment. I hope his admittance is not just because he's been caught and more about wanting to finally change. He is not to be faulted for what happened to him oh so many years ago and for how it affected him, but he is to be held accountable for what he did with it as an adult, the same as any of us would be. Not everyone who is molested goes on to hurt others with it, but quite a few do. Most do not understand the evil that is within them, instead being led by it in a confused fashion.

To change one must live like a recovering alcoholic, protecting yourself from negative surroundings. George was extremely careful with what he watched on t.v. He wouldn't even watch a kissing scene in a movie! I thought that was a little overboard but I respected him for being vigilant. He was an overcomer and he knew that word to be a present term, and not just a past one.

Education, to me, is always key, it is the beginning of knowledge that frees us. Even Jesus said he is the truth and the truth will set you free. Not merely parroting religion, but living it.

[Queeniemary]

Kay, thank you for being so candid, I appreciate so much what you shared about George.

I too hope, Kay, that his admittance is not because he was caught, but because he really wants help. Just a brief update for you that are supporting me here. There was a hearing yesterday, the purpose was his lawyer was trying to get the bail reduced so he could get out of jail until the trial, which is set for Oct. Reduction was denied. He told my sister that he did not realize that was he was doing was illegal, that he knew it was morally wrong, but did not know was illegal. I have a really hard time believing that, as it is always in the news about someone being arrested for that very thing, and he is not a stupid man. I think he is just trying to put as good a spin on it as he can. My sister's family is just so torn up. My sister's other son in law is the sheriff in that county, and has taken a really hard line, which I can understand, but it upsets my sister. I have to admit that as time goes on, I am only angrier, it is so hurting my sis and her husband, two special people, who always try to do good. Not to mention my niece and her 4 sons, who are trying to sell everything they can to raise money to try to stay in their home. Without his income, the house payments are going to be too much for her I am afraid. Sorry for ranting, but hard to think of much else.

They say it never rains but what it pours. I learned this week that my daughter and her husband are separating, planning to divorce. It is all amicable, and they are in the process of working out the finances, etc. I knew my daughter was not happy, but I am sad for them both, and their daughters. Everyone is being so calm and agreeable, but needless to say I am a little freaked out.

I have been having nausea and heartburn since Saturday. My friend Kathryn thinks it is just stress, and I think she may be right. I am trying to just not think about everything too much, and to realize that I cannot really do anything with either situation. Maybe that is my problem, I do like to be somewhat in control. I wish Mike were here, he would keep me calmed down.

I am choosing not to share with the rest of my siblings about my daughter and her husband right now, as I don't want to add to their burdens they already have. When it become a done deal, then I will share with them. My daughter is partly named after my sister, and they have been close, I do not want to put another burden on my sister. I do have close friends that I can talk to, so I am not carrying this alone....and thank you guys, I have you also.

Thank you for letting me vent, please, for those of you who pray, prayers for all of my family.

QMary

[mfh]

Mary, you are always in my heart and prayers. I am so glad you shared more of this sad story here. I do believe not talking about it somewhere can lead to stress caused symptoms like nausea and heartburn but if it continues, please get checked out. I fell in May and was so startled by it that I was nauseated for about 24 hours so I have recent experience with that kind of reaction but "at our age" one needs to be on top of these things. Please do continue to talk about this here...as much as you want so you do ot somaticize those feelings and develop serious symptoms.

I have worked with families who have had to deal with this and it is devastating to everyone and because of the content people tend not to talk about it when sharing this load is what is needed. Anger is a natural reaction and hopefully this man can come to a point where he realizes the damage he has done and get the help he needs. I am so sorry. Also know it is tough to see your daughter go through a divorce even if it is the right thing to do it is still painful. I am sorry, Mary, that you are dealing with all this pain.

[kayc]

Mary, I know this is a really tough time right now, not only for you, but for your whole family.

His stating that he did not know it was illegal is a huge red flag to me. Of course he knew it was illegal. It's in the news all of the time. He is minimizing his actions, which means he is not yet ready to fully accept responsibility. That in turn answers the question about whether he is remorseful and wanting to change or whether he is sorry to get caught. I'm sorry, I know you'd probably like to think the best, but I am well versed in this area, I've done my homework and learned a lot in my journey with George, I know he'd say the same thing if he were here to talk to you. I think your niece really needs to prepare herself for a future without her husband because it could be years before he will be out and she needs to think of herself and her sons. Could she rent a room to help bring in some income? Is there a part time job she could add to the mix? Anything she can sell? I am so sorry for her and the boys because they will pay a heavy price for a situation they did not create. If he is any kind of a man he will be concerned about their welfare and not just his own.

Talking about this with someone who is safe can be helpful, but even that alone may not be enough to prevent physical symptoms of stress. I hope you'll see a doctor and let him know you're having severe stress and stress-related symptoms, see what he says.

I'm so sorry about your daughter's divorce too. Having been through a divorce with my kids' dad when they were teenagers, I know all too well that it has its affects on kids...no matter what age they are or how amicable it is. Just being there for your grandkids can be a stabilizing factor in their ever-changing lives. Divorce affects the whole family, friends, etc. so it's no surprise you're feeling it.

Extra big hugs for all you're going through! The Serenity Prayer has been a great help to me when I've gone through things I couldn't change.

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

I am so sorry for all the stress visiting your life right now. Perhaps their church will be able to help the family through this time with some financial assistance. The family are also victims of this devastating issue.

I hope you will see a doctor. If there is nothing going on physically, it might help you to see a counselor. While divorce is often a positive in the lives of everyone involved, the process and the stigma still exist, and you might be helped by having someone to talk with about your feelings.

I am sending love and hugs, and continue to hold you in prayer. Peace to your heart and to your body these difficult days.

namaste,

fae

[enna]

Oh, QMary. You are indeed on my prayer list. I am here with a listening ear and hope you can feel the love so many of us are sending to you. Hugs.

[Queeniemary]

You all are so special to me, and I appreciate your prayers more than you know. Tuesday morning I woke up to various messages from my nieces (my sister Lois's daughters) that my sister had been taken to the Batesville Hospital, and they had transported her to St. Vincent's in Little Rock, AR with suspected brain aneurysm. I arrived in Little Rock by 2:30 or so. Her heart had stopped briefly during the night, so before the surgeon would do the brain aneurysm dissection, they had to implant a pacemaker. I got to visit with her a little before the first surgery. About 3 hours after the pacemaker was put in, they did the surgery on her brain. The surgeon came and talked to us about 11pm. He said, just as he reached the aneurysm, it burst, and if the surgery had been put off until the next morning, she would have died. My poor sister has had so much stress lately, as you all know, and I am sure this contributed to the very high blood pressure that accompanied this aneurysm. At one point her top number was around 225. Before I left to come home to Harrison today, I visited with my sis a little while, and she was very normal. Of course she was still groggy, and she is not very happy the surgeon told her she had to stay at least 7 or 8 days in the hospital. I believe she is going to be all right, but would appreciate good thoughts and prayers.

QMary

[enna]

Oh, QMary, I am truly sorry about all that has been going on ~ you know that I continue to pray. I am so very glad that your sister made it through the surgery. Staying longer in the hospital is precautionary so they can watch everything. I pray for her speedy recovery. Keeping you in my heart at this time also. . .hugs

[MartyT]

QMary, my dear, I assure you of our continuing thoughts and prayers. You are right here in our hearts, and we're holding you close ~ along with your dear sister and the rest of your family. Please remember to take good care of YOU as you deal with all this stress in your family, too . . . ♥

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

I am so very sorry for this latest development, but glad to hear your sister will be home in a week or so. It sounds as thought the surgery was successful.

I am holding you and your family in prayer and in my heart. Please do care for yourself, gently and with great compassion.

{{{{{{{{{QMary}}}}}}}}}

Peace to your heart.

fae

[kayc]

QMary,

I am so glad your sister was attended to just in time! So important to listen to our bodies when they tell us something is wrong, and I'm ever so glad they took care of her pronto! The week will go by before she knows it and she'll be home, thank God! I'm glad you were able to be there to visit with her. (((hugs & prayers)))

[Wifflesnook]

AMAry, my thoughts are with you, your sister and family. Jan

[Queeniemary]

My sister's heart was jumping around yesterday, so last night they had to take her down and shock her twice to get the rhythm stabilized. Very concerned about her. Hopefully today will be a better day for her. She was disoriented yesterday, my niece said, and did not know where she was. I may head back to Little Rock this weekend if she is not improving.

QMary

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

I am hopeful that your sister's condition has improved considerably since the time when you wrote the post above earlier this morning. I know this is a stressful time for you. If you decide to make the trip this weekend, I hope it is a a nice drive, and that both of you will be cheered and comforted to see each other.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I echo fae's wishes. I know all too well the scare it can give us when one of our sisters is gravely ill, sisters mean the world to us. I hope her situation improves and she can start being on the mend. My thoughts are with you.