Depression Stage

[sinc86]

I think I'm in the depression stage of grief (?). I've been doing some reading and in one place it said that in this stage the most well-meaning of people have all the advice in the world....and sometimes you just need to go through this stage.....covering the ddpression deep inside doesn't really work and even does some damage to your process of grieving.

The problem I'm concerned about is my decision making skills have gone out the window. I've gone from major anxiety to minor anxiety and really decisions have been difficult for a while now.

I've always been a volunteer - but I'm finding right now that just putting some money in an envelope to help defer costs is basically all I have to give....but it's something anyway.

Last weekend we went through some family things.....and I cried for hours over what has been, what was - and really how wonderful my parents were and therefore, how much I seriously miss them. Losing them both in 4 1/2 years was difficult.

Anyway - I've been working my way through this....and last night one of my friends (one of those wellmeaning people) told me I seemed to be going backwards and needed help. I felt pretty defeated....because of all the work I've done in going through the process.

My main concern honestly is the decision making.....that puts a damper on everyday life and while I tend to think things through quite a bit.....I haven't been one to look at life through dark colored glasses - thinking of every last thing that can go wrong. But right now - I just have this deep down worry of what all could go wrong.

I think part of my problem is that this past year, on top of losing my mother after watching her suffer terribly.....I went through a severe housing crisis - and because of that thought on top of everything else that I might have to give up my pets.....who are my family.....and dealt with several injustice issues in my last housing situation. So - I'm thinking that's part of where this looking through things with so much worry is coming from.....

Does any of this make sense? And yes, I know talking to a clergy or a counselor would be a good thing for me right now (unfortunately at the time of my mother's death all my pastor at the time could think of is how I could best serve the congregation, even when I was telling him I needed some time to breathe.....I could have really used that support then....fortunately there is now a different pastor).

Sorry for rambling.....

[enna]

One of the most important things I am learning about grief is that we have a responsibility to care for ourselves FIRST. When you said, "I've always been a volunteer - but I'm finding right now that just putting some money in an envelope to help defer costs is basically all I have to give....but it's something anyway" it sounds to me that you are making a very important decision and that is to care for yourself. Grief is hard work and it zaps the energy right out of you. I don't think you have to feel bad that you cannot do for others right now. I am sorry that your first pastor did not understand and lend a more listening ear rather that try to give you advice about what you 'should' do.

I have not heard of "I think I'm in the depression stage of grief (?). but I do know that we go through many different emotions and all of them are part of the grieving process. Depression is a well-defined illness and needs to be cared for but when we are grieving we do not have an illness rather we are in deep pain because of those we have lost.

I am glad that you are here not for the reason but for the fact that we listen and care for each other. Others will direct you to help sites about depression but in my book there is a very big difference between depression and grieving.

One of the greatest gifts I gave myself was to sit with a counselor who did understand grief.

Anne

[MartyT]

My dear, I hope you will take Anne's wise words to heart.

I also want to respond to a couple of things you've said in your post.

You say you think you may be "in the depression stage of grief (?)." You're probably referring to the stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her still popular book, On Death and Dying. Since that book was first published (nearly 50 years ago), many people have taken her findings much too literally, expecting the dying process to occur in neatly ordered stages, one following the other. (The stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are 1) denial and Isolation; 2) anger; 3) depression; 4) bargaining; and 5) acceptance.) But as wonderful as her groundbreaking work in death and dying was, her "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. Since 1969, when Kubler-Ross' pioneering work was published, there has been a wealth of research done that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief. We now know that grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, and it doesn't happen in neatly ordered "stages" as such.

Most of us who specialize in grief counseling prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial. Everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. Although grief is different for each individual, finding a way through it successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the grief experience and the work of mourning.

I think what you are describing is more akin to sorrow than depression. See, for example, Coping with Sorrow in Grief.

You say that "my decision making skills have gone out the window" but that, too, is a common phenomenon in grief. The world as you've known it has been turned upside down, your self-confidence is shaken, and your ability to trust your own good judgment has been shattered too. See To Move or Not: Making Decisions in the Wake of Recent Loss. It contains some suggestions for coping that I hope you will find helpful.

[sinc86]

Hi Anne,

Thank-you. Yes, I know that I'm not in illness mode, but I've read that one of the stages is feeling depressed, down.....more of a profound sadness.

I was quite honestly appalled by my first pastor through this...he basically was demanding that it would be 'my turn' to play for services (I had told him I needed a break when Mom was going through the process of a lot of suffering and on the road to dying. After I told him I wasn't up to that - I just needed to sit back - he wrote me the next day saying he needed me to play that night. When I wrote him back telling him more point blank that I needed time, he was rude....right down rude. I've only begun to start going back there and it is very hard for me to do so, because I feel like it will be 'expected' of me to serve.....even with a different pastor there. I was very upset by his actions, because I used to be in fulltime ministry and that is NOT the way to serve your congregation.

But moreso, I was deeply hurt on top of grieving. I went to a different church for a while and am trying to get myself to go back there. The new pastor seems good.

Thank-you.

[sinc86]

Thank-you. This difficulty in decision making is very hard for me to deal with, and I think it's hard for others to understand ...... It's kind of good to know I'm not totally off the wall.

[MartyT]

Totally off the wall? Far from it. You might want to read this, too: Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

It is precisely because grief is so hard for others to understand ~ hard, that is, for those who've yet to experience the devastating impact of significant loss ~ that you will find this place so safe and comforting. Here you do not need to explain or justify what you are thinking or feeling or going through ~ because here, we're all on the same path, bound by the common experience of loss. ♥

[sinc86]

*This place is safe and comforting*

It's hard to believe how hard that type of place is to find! I'm so glad I found this place. Thanks for the reading material. I tend to grasp on to anything that will help me understand what I am going through and therefore gives me some sense of comfort.

A good friend was just over for a visit and we had such a good conversation....not all about the grief, of course, but she did let me talk a little about what has really triggered my tears lately, and was understanding. Thank goodness....

[feralfae]

I think it is so difficult to label our emotional states while we are in grief. They fluctuate daily, sometimes hourly. Confusion, inability to make decisions, feeling lost, and especially feeling unheard and unseen (often justifiably so!) are common. Sadness is an everyday emotion for a long time, I think. Depression and grief look a lot alike. I have had people tell me I am depressed, but I think it is grief more than anything. I am glad you are reading the links Marty is posting for you. Finding out that we are "normal" in our grief helps to make the days a little easier to bear.

Being here, you will find many others who are on the same journey, grieving losses of those we loved, and trying to find out way. We support and care for each other, and help each other over rough spots.

I am glad your good friend is someone with whom you could talk about your grief and losses. Although I am so sorry for the reason you are here, I am glad you found this place. Here, others will validate your grief and help you to understand and cope with the day-to-day struggles grief presents.

Peace to your heart and Blessings,

feralfae

[sinc86]

Thank-you so much for all your responses. I can tell that there is a caring understanding on here. Today has been a much better day, with the visit with my good friend who let me talk a little about stuff - which was all I needed - balanced with the happenings of the day and everyday life.

The past few days have been very difficult....but I treasure days like today when I'm feeling better and more functional. Last weekend going through family treasures, just really brought out how much I really miss both of them, and how much they did for their family. That part still brings me to tears....not really necessarily in a bad way even - but tears nontheless.

The whole validation thing is so important. So many people just don't get it. Within a month of my mom dying, a lady bluntly looked me in the eye and said 'you're depressed and you need help.' I looked straight back at her and said, 'you've never been through this, have you?' In truth - while I'm not normally one that would do such a thing, I wanted so badly to just reach over and smack her....but of course I didn't. Luckily, I'm not that kind of person.

I've read some of the links and they just make so much sense. Again, the validation.....

[MartyT]

"The whole validation thing is so important." YES! See Anne's recent post on this very topic:

[sinc86]

Marty - I followed the link and read that - it was SO amazing! WOW! It totally hit the nail on the head.

Tonight I wrote a letter to my parents.....thanking them for what they did for me, how they loved me, and just telling them about the week. I cried the whole time I wrote it.....but it helped me to 'talk' to them. I know they won't physically get it....but I felt the need to say it.

[MartyT]

Good for you, dear one. Good for you. ♥

[kayc]

You are doing your grief work and self care and that is so important! You are also standing up for yourself to others who just don't get it, and I found that to be important too. We can do so with tact (sometimes ) but it's important not to let people run all over us. I'm sorry that was your experience with your pastor, the person who above all should have been understanding and caring. I, too, felt uncared for by my pastor when my husband died. I've been able to forgive him but I think I lost some respect for him back then.

As to your friend, perhaps you could just reply "Now that the numbing shock is worn off, I am doing my grief work and it is hard work, but I'm progressing through it." Well meaning people sometimes say stupid things, especially when they haven't been through it and don't understand it.

It is hard to make important decisions right now. Your brain has been through a lot of trauma, and it will take some healing for it to calm back into it's normal state, but it'll improve. All that you are going through and experiencing is very normal for what you've been through. You sound to me like you're doing your best with it, you're able to articulate yourself and you're trying to get out some, both which are commendable!

[sinc86]

Thank-you. I had a good talk with my (new) pastor today and sat down and played good old hymns last night (I've always found music to be very therapeutic).

I really felt defeated the other night when told I was going backwards......when I have done some intentional work in process of grieving and thought I had gotten somewhere. But was having a bad day. My pastor said, like many of you here.....there is really not a timeline for grieving.

This whole process is a whole lot of learning.

[enna]

Very good words to hold on to. There is no time limit on grief. It is our grief and we move as fast or slow as WE want. Music has always been very healing for me also.

Anne

[kayc]

Three steps forward, two steps backward, still moving overall in a progressive fashion, and that's how it is for most of us. Know inside yourself what is true and try not to let other's words get to you, they don't have anything to judge by,not having gone through it themselves. Even if they had, it wouldn't be the same as YOUR journey as each love is different.