Feel Like People Are Avoiding Me And I Understand Why

[Donnacas]

Well, the bills are paid, my bankruptcy is in progress, and I even found out that if I can scrape up the money, I can buy a car as long as the book value isn't too much. I guess all that should make me happy. But my husband is still dead, my children are still fatherless, and there is no joy in any of it.

A very dear friend of mine and my husbands is obviously avoiding me. He won't answer my calls or texts and when he does, it's short and to the point and that's all. He's my children's godfather but he's avoiding them too. Another friend seems to have no time for me suddenly and I'm feeling all alone.

I'm sure it's because I'm so depressing to be around. I feel like there's nothing of any substance to me any more. I don't have a single thing to say or do that isn't somehow related to my husbands death, my financial woes, or my utter misery. I wouldn't want to spend time with me either.

I'm trying not to feel hurt or abandoned because I know just because I don't have a life anymore doesn't mean other people don't, but it's hard sometimes.

[feralfae]

Dear Donnacas,

Yes, some people have no idea how to cope with others' grief, so they avoid it. I have found that is fairly usual. It hurts so much, especially when we need some comfort. Do you have a support group? Often, there are support groups through hospice or churches or hospitals. Usually, they are free.

I hope you can find some people with whom you can spend some time, even if only an hour a week, face to face, who can help you and who are willing to reflect back to you an understanding of and compassion for your pain. And we are here for you, no matter what.

I know it is so very hard. Your loss is compounded by all these other factors that you must consider. I am so very sorry things are not going better, and I hope you can find some supportive, listening people close around you. Meanwhile, we are all checking on you and will be here. When you post, it may take a while for one of us to show up and read what you share, but we will check often.

Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

Oh Donnacas, I am so sorry you are finding yourself going through this too. ALL of our friends disappeared on me right away, I was amazed and flabbergasted! My husband's family included. He would be beyond astounded if he could see this.

This isn't uncommon. Some people treat death as contagious. Our plight is unfathomable to them because if it could happen to us, it could happen to them and they don't want to go there. So they avoid us. Plus they don't know what to say, they feel uncomfortable. They want to fix it and can't, so they stay away from us. If, instead, they would just listen, maybe put their arms around us once in a while, and do what they could, it would really help. Someone can mow a lawn, change the oil, lift something heavy, give financial advice, make a trip to the grocery store for us, walk with us, but no, they avoid us like the plague.

You will make new friends. Friends who will listen and care and be there. Perhaps you can try a grief support group where there are others going through the same thing, others that understand. Meanwhile, we are here, we've "been there", we're living through it, and we'll walk with you.

You have dealt with so much already, and you will make it through this. It's hard, and I know that. And I hope you find a way to get a car.

[ohsosad]

Donnacas,

I am in the depths of grief also. I have only one friend who can stand being with me and she is a help. Beyond that, no one calls. Truly, I don't mind because I will only cry on the phone and they can't handle it, which is why they don't call. I went to a grief support group last month and it was not good for me. I tried a different one yesterday and it was much better so I will return to that one. It meets only once a month, unfortunately, but it's better than nothing. The people there (only 3 others) were so understanding of my pain because they are living through the same thing. It helped to cry with them and tell my story and get hugs at the end. Do investigate support groups in your area. Start with the local hospice. And if the first one doesn't fit with you, try another.

Rita

[MartyT]

I am so grateful to you, Rita, for sharing your experience with support groups. Good for you for having the courage and the confidence to recognize that the first group you tried was not a good fit for you ~ and to keep looking until you found one that is. As I wrote in an article on this topic,

. . . when evaluating whether a particular group is right for you, I suggest that you attend at least three sessions before deciding if you feel comfortable there, since each meeting changes depending on the composition of the group and what is discussed in it. Once you’ve found a support group, make certain it’s made up of mourners with whom you can identify, whose facilitator is not only comfortable running support groups, but also knowledgeable about the grieving process. In addition, look for signs that the group follows certain “ground rules” that

• recognize the uniqueness of each person’s grief
• acknowledge that grief is a normal process with its own timetable
• permit members to share as much or as little as they so choose
• encourage active, empathic listening, so that one person speaks at a time, without interruption and without judgment
• allow everyone equal time to share, so no one monopolizes the time
• respect members’ right to confidentiality, so that information shared in the group stays there
• prohibit members from offering unsolicited advice

[kayc]

Rita,

I'm so glad you got a better fit with the group last night! As they say, try, try again!

[SadLynn]

Dear Donnacas,

It pains me to read your post as I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband, Ben, a little over 4 months ago. It has been extremely hard! I only have two friends that continue to keep in touch with me and all the others have moved on. I was mad about this and I still have times when it upsets me, but through counseling I have accepted that most people can't handle the grief so they avoid it. I am working on letting go of my anger at them and accept that this is also part of my journey. This is a hard journey to travel, but you are not alone. You have your children and you have the people of this forum to talk to. Please continue to use this forum as a way of expressing your feelings as it is harmful to keep it all inside. The thing about early grief is that it can and will make you have a horrible sense of fear and of being hopeless, but you can by talking and writing start to reverse this hopeless feeling and start to feel hopeful. I will tell you that I am doing okay and I know that you will be okay too. It is not a journey any of us would have chosen but it is the path that we now have to walk. You will have many hard days and nights, but you will in time start to see some little things that will make you want to smile. They are fleeting but they are there. You will have to want to look for them, but if you do you will see things and here things that will make you hopeful again. There are times that it just gets overwhelming, but now when it gets that way, I just stop and take a deep breath and pray for peace in my heart and mind and it helps me to calm down and slowly get my mind clear and then I am able to move forward. I want you to know that you are loved by us all and please continue to talk to us about anything.

Your new friend Sadlynn (real name Donna)

[Queeniemary]

Donna, a wonderful post, and very true, everything you said. Thank you for sharing. The roller coaster ride that is grief is a very hard ride, but we have no choice, we are on it. There are days for me, at 55 months out, that grief will still hit me like a baseball bat in the chest, and I almost bend over double. Now those days are rare for me, not like in the early days. Most days are good, but Mike is always in my mind.

Donnacus, I am so sorry that people, those you should have been able to count on, are moving away. As was said, unless people have walked with this particular kind of grief, they just don't know how to respond. I think people are afraid of the grief, because they know in their hearts, they are only a heartbeat away from being in your shoes. That does not help you however, and I do hope you can find some support in a group, and certainly please keep coming here. I started coming here in April, 2010, after my husband Mike died in January. This site has been a lifesaver for me. Many wise and compassionate people here.

QMary