Spouses Personal Keepsakes

[Elly57]

Only a few days after my husbands funeral and his children are wanting keepsakes. They are adults and one is flying back to another country in less than three weeks. They slighted me leading up to the funeral, very cold attending the funeral and their expectations are much more than they think they are owed. We have four children between us, two each. Been married for 17 years. I have my husbands wishes to give them a token gesture of money and I have wanted to increase that a little but I'm now re thinking it. They have not been around much in the last 17 years due to work and one living in another country. They did have a month to spend with him and come and stay with us if they wanted. We knew what the outcome was of my husbands situation and time was precious and short. They came to visit 4 times. Once they found out about his illness they seemed to go though the motions of caring and rally a bit but then other things became priority. They didn't stay over at all.

They approached my children at the funeral (not me) about finding our when they could ask for a keepsake. There's a lot more to this situation than I have outlined here.

Many people have advised me but I still feel guilty if I don't give them something of his personal belongings.

My feelings at the moment is that of protectiveness and not wanting to give my husbands things away. I feel they will pressure me and guilt me into it. I also feel they have to deal with their lack of attendance in their dad's life and not put this on me. I'm feeling I need to appeases them.

I can go on for a long time on this but feel this should give you an idea of what is happening. I'm trying to grieve. I've lost the man I've done literally everything with the past 17 years. I've nursed him for the last 7 months, we left the country for alternative therapy for 10 weeks in a none English speaking country. I have been with him 24/7 and now I feel like I will explode.

When we stayed (every day and night I was there looking after his needs ) at the hospice for the last weeks of my husbands life the one child called and asked me how long dad had left as they wanted to know when to book the ticket to come back. I handed the nurse the phone. How can anyone answer that. That child didn't make it home in time. However, could have but, procrastinated in booking the flight three weeks earlier.

Any questions please ask. I know what my knee jerk reaction is but I need to stay focused and any support on this would be very helpful. This is all so raw.

[mfh]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is to lose a spouse and also having to deal with these things with his children (and yours). These early days following your huge loss are so very difficult without having issues with families.

I would like to suggest that in regards to his possessions (keepsakes or whatever) that you postpone decisions, that you tell these children to write down what they would like to have and you will keep those requests and deal with them when you can and mail them (if possible) or save them for their next visit and that you not put a time frame on any of it. That gives you time to make decisions that are not flowing from guilt or their pressuring you. Everything he left behind belongs to you right now and your husband requested that you give them a "token gesture of money" and you will do that, I am sure. You do not have to do that now. Wait 6 months or more and then deal with those things. Right now you are numb, exhausted, and feeling UNheard. Take care of yourself right now. Read some of the posts here about these early days/months following the loss of a spouse... Later I will refer you to some articles but in the meantime, there is a string here on articles about grief. This is one of the most difficult losses you will ever experience and you are the only one who is going to take care of you. Try to let that be your focus for a long while.

[Elly57]

Thank you for your quick response. I'm having such a difficult time with this and soooooo many other things to deal with wether I like it or not. I understand they don't know how I feel as they are not I'm my situation. They have lost a father too. I find it inappropriate and grabby. They also want to scatter his ashes soon too. I feel like my life has been out of my control for the past 7 months and my head is still in a whirl wind. I just want to say, back off. I haven't even begun to grieve and not cried at all. I'm still very numb that this has happened. I keep expecting him to come in from work and greet me. All this just gives me a bad taste I'm my mouth. How can they be so heartless when he was their farther. They are him. Surly? Why are they so different than him?

He was such a good listener and put things into perspective for me and let so many things go and went with the flow. I miss him desperately. This is too much.

My heart hurts so badly and when his children text or ask for anything my heart and chest hurts and pounds so hard.

And, yes, yes, and yes, they will get their financial token. I would never go back on that.

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm sure you'll hear from many of our members on this matter, but my first reaction to your situation is this: In grief, your first obligation is to take care of YOU, regardless of how "selfish" or self-centered that may seem to you. Now that your beloved has died, you must find a way to put your own needs first, because your survival depends upon it.

My other reaction is that, no matter what "stuff" these offspring are seeking, as long as you hold onto it, there is no rush to distribute any of it. It's not as if it will be going anywhere.

We often suggest that when you are in mourning, it is wise to put off making any major decisions for at least a year ~ to give yourself time to go through the first four seasons of your loss before you do something you may come to regret later. Of course, there are some decisions that simply cannot be put off for that length of time, but the distribution of your husband's belongings probably would not fall into that category. Right now your spouse's "things" probably carry great emotional significance for you, and letting go of them would feel like yet another loss of him, or parts of him. That alone is reason enough to tell your husband's children that you simply cannot deal with their requests right now. You don't have to refuse their requests altogether ~ you can simply tell them that this is not the time to deal with this, and you will let them know when the time is right.

I want to share with you an article that addresses this matter of sorting, in hopes that it will help: Tips On Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings

[kayc]

I would abide by my husband's wishes, if you can afford it, and don't worry about it. Money grubbers seem to come out of the woodwork when our spouses die! My husband's brother wrote from jail to ask for my husband's coin collection for HIS son. We have our own children if we wanted to leave something to someone, and George had only just met his nephew, why would he leave something of such value to him?! I had the pleasure of telling him that the coin collection was already gone months before, but he could have a hospital bill to remember him by. Never heard from him again. You can't alienate someone you aren't close to and perceive as a vulture.

My husband's so called best friends approached me in the hospital when his body wasn't yet cold and informed me he'd told them they could have his car. Really! Funny he forgot to mention it to ME! I told them we owed against the car and I'd have to sell it and pay it off. The nerve! These same people stole the valuable ring I'd given him for a wedding present, the ring I'd wanted to leave to his son.

I think when it comes time to distributing things to remember your husband by, you'll know what to do. I gave his clothing to Sponsors, an organization dear to his heart. Although we'd never had the chance to talk about it, as we hadn't known he was going to die, I knew instinctively it was what he'd want done.

[mfh]

My dear Elly57

You can see that taking care of yourself is your primary concern. That and those things that can not be delayed...they all seem to surface within the first couple of weeks. As for your husband's wish to give the kids some money, keep in mind that even that desire is totally up to you. Only you know your financial situation. Take care of yourself and if you can afford to give them some token, do so but your own self care is first. That may sound selfish but truly your husband would not want you to suffer hardship because of something he said to you.

Eat good food, drink plenty of water, get outside each day, and as Marty said postpone that which can be postponed. If it is any consolation to you my husband died 4 1/2 years ago and a good part of his clothes are still in his closet. I find it comforting to have them their...special clothes he liked. His rock collection sits on my table; and his tools are still in his workshop. I will get to those things when I get to them. Give yourself permission to listen to your own desires, needs and voice.

[kayc]

A hearty amen to all that!

[Elly57]

Thank you very much. All of your comments I know to be right and when things are fuzzy and I'm being pressured I just can't focus. As this has been an on going poor relationship with the one child I've always smoothed over it. I'm so done with it now. I was very upset she chose to network in the line up at the visitation as people came by to give her their condolences and support her in her loss. Someone must have mentioned they liked her jewelry, she promptly gave out her email and contact info to give them a quote and took their info too.

Where as I think everything can be an opportunity, I do think there is a place and time and that wasn't it.

Now I'm just going on about this. I feel for her loss and I know she will miss her dad. I feel a little more in control with your support on this subject. Not to show her up but to regain my composure and offer to send her something (keepsake) when the time is right for me and not them. I was losing focus.

Thanks

[kayc]

I agree with you about that NOT being the time or place! It's possible it hadn't fully sunk in to her yet, for some it hits later. When my dad died, my mom didn't shed a tear, came home and started chucking all his stuff, he'd hardly had time to get cold! But over the years I could see she missed him unbearably, it's just we all react differently in grief/loss.

[mfh]

Losing focus comes with loss, vulnerability, exhaustion and grief. Do not condemn yourself. Just back off and take care of yourself and hold these decisions for months from now.

[Elly57]

Hello again. I wish I could have been all wrong about what I was expecting from the one child looking for keepsakes. .......

UPDATE is. ..........

I got a call today from my husbands daughter, wanting her and her brother to come by and pick up some things of dad's ....... I quietly explained that I was not ready to go thought dads things yet.......'oh no it's ok my brother and I will come by and look through a few things you no need to worry'..........

I again quietly explained dad and I have been together a long time and our belongings are mixed together and I couldn't have someone going through the house looking for things......could you please let me know what you're looking for and I will keep it aside and under advisement for when I am able to start looking through dad's things......' Em I don't know what I would like I just want some things of dad's. And I'm flying back to .......(home) soon and wanted to have that part sorted out'....... Again I explained that I can't deal with this right now but when I can I will let her know........I would be happy to mail it out to her. She told me she didn't need it mailed as her brother would be able to hang onto the items for her. ...... I stood my ground and said politely, no I couldn't possible deal with this at this time. After three times of telling her she stopped asking me.

I'm so glad I found this forum to give me the ok to say 'no'. It's not been a week yet after the funeral. I expect her to want his ashes too!

[mfh]

Elle, you are truly amazing and strong. I honor your willingness to be true to yourself. No one, no one should ask anything of you right now...nothing. Stay strong. As I said, many here,including me are months and even years out from losing our spouses and still have not gone through everything or even a few things in many instances.

[MartyT]

Elly, I agree with Mary ~ Good for you for standing your ground with your husband's daughter. I find her insistence in this matter absolutely appalling, and I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you to resist such pressure ~ but you did it. That is a measure of the strength and courage you have within you that will serve you very well in the weeks and months ahead. We are proud of you! ♥

[Elly57]

I'm only as good as you all here. Thank YOU!

Now to be kind to myself too. I'm planning a flight to my cousins for a week. All the pressure has weighed heavy. I hope I'm not running away and going to find it difficult to come home to the place I love an shared with my love. I just need ME time. I know that.

[mfh]

Getting away for a few days sounds like a great thing to do. To be with someone who is safe and caring for a while. You will need a lot of ME time and take it....take all you need.

[kayc]

I hope you have some good "me time", we all understand and have been where you're at. I'm so proud of you for standing your ground, that takes a lot of courage!

[Queeniemary]

Elly, I am so very sorry for your loss of your husband. And very sorry that you have the additional stress of the insensitive stepchildren to deal with. I am very proud of the way you handled the phone call, and hope you can continue to be firm about this. They are way, way out of line.

You have found a good site to come to for support and understanding. We are all on some leg of this horrible journey that none of us wanted to make. Mary and Marty are great moderators, with wise words and many helpful links for our situations. Because we are all in different times on this journey, we each have something to offer for our specific time. I hope you continue to come here.

One little thing I would address. I think it is great that you are getting away and having some me time. It is very important. Just one question, will someone be looking out for your house. I ask because I have heard others say that people (family) have entered their homes in their absence and taken things. I just don't want you to have to deal with that with your step children. Maybe you have a neighbor to watch out, or even a friend or family member that could stay while you are gone?

Take care,

QMary

[Elly57]

UPDATE!!!!!!!!.............

Here is word for word the email I just got from the daughter.......I copied it not typed it out.

.............

I am sorry if I seem pushy about dad's stuff I hope that you can understand that I am in this country for a limited amount of time and I will not be back here anytime soon again. I can't remember everything that dad had from when I was a kid as in regards to making a list of things I would like. It would have been nice to have a look for myself with My brother as we can relive happy memories of forgotten items. In regards to asking for stuff at the funeral. I only was in 'Aw' of his nunchucks because as a child I was never aloud to touch them and was reliving he judo years. As he has taken me to see some torments.

What will be happening with dad's ashes? I would like to be here to see them spread.

I now have a ticket booked to return to New Zealand for the 16th of Nov.

.................

I really don't want to respond as I have made myself quite clear and responding I feel will only make things more prickly.

Your thoughts?

Elly

[mfh]

She seems to be saying to you that she is leaving the 16. And wants to be present when ashes are spread which means she is passively telling you she assumes or hopes they will be spread before then. She did apologize for being pushy.

You still do not have to do anything about possessions. When the day comes that you sort...down the road...you could let her know a few things you are willing to ship to her.

If you have a date for ashes to be spread, you could let her know when and where. You may not be planning to spread them. You could Just tell her either you do not know yet....what you are doing or when or if you have a date and place you could invite her.

Keep the ash issue separate from the possessions. At some point down the road it would be kind to send them an item or two but ONLY when you are ready. She is telling you here that she wanted to go through your house now and you have been clear that will not happen. I would just speak to the ashes issue not the items. My opinion,

[kayc]

I agree. The possessions issue has already been addressed, no need to rehash it. I would address the ashes issue only and if you don't intend to scatter them any time soon and don't know when you will, tell her that. She can come back if and when you are ready.

My mom died Aug. 21 and my aunt suggested they be scattered on my dad's gravesite, which I conveyed to my brother & sisters. My sisters thought it was a good idea. My brother, who is in charge, decided against that, opting instead to have his family only scatter her ashes at the coast. I don't know if or when that was done, none of us were invited to participate. Sometimes people don't always get their way, and life goes on...his daughter can learn that message too.

[Elly57]

No this isn't an apology. I can assure you. I've had seventeen years of this passive nature for her to get what she wants. I've even made excuses for her too. She is thirty one and never has she asked how I'm doing.

[feralfae]

I agree with Mary and Kay that you do not allow anyone to re-open a closed subject where you have been very clear. Good for you. I also agree with Mary and Kay that the most important person to honor with any dates you decide is YOU.

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation while you are still so deep in your grief.

I agree with QMary about having someone watch or stay at the house. Actually, I hope someone will be staying in your home. From sad experience, I know how venal relatives can be. Please be sure you have someone staying at or watching the house, and put important papers in your safe deposit box before you leave. Be sure your house and papers are secure.

I applaud your strength in taking care of yourself and standing firm.

May you have some peace for your heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Elly57]

This daughter had not been around when her father and I got together, 17 years ago. She didn't want to be around. As I AM the wicked step mom! If thats the case then why didn't her father take priority when we offered her a place to stay for a month and the car to come and go when ever she pleased to visit with him when he was sick. She shouldn't care about me. That's fine. She has some seriousness guilt issues for not being around when she had the opportunity when she was younger and in more recent times. I paid for her flight back to New Zealand before (she thinks her dad did) and she stayed on for a month but only came to visit four times in that month. Now she wants whatever she can get and pushing me to scatter his ashes when they are not even cool yet. I'm not ready. Never once has she asked how I'm doing, not that I'm surprised. I've been in the same room as her and the conversation is all abut her and the things that mean so much to her, and directed to my husband and never included me.

My kids were wondering, in the beginning, if they had two of an organ, could they donate it for my husbands benefit. They wrote him letters of how they felt that this was unjust to have this cancer and how they would miss him walking them down the isle, and not seeing his grand children growing up and how this was so unfair. They told him how much they loved him and how much he meant to them. My husband himself said that was the way his daughter was. We got nothing like that from this daughter. But now I don't have him here to say those words or defend me and my feelings.

She has always played the ' poor me' act. Which I'm sure she has had reason to but now it's like the boy that cried wolf.

She is really pushing me to be spiteful instead she should be leaving it all alone for a while.

This is not in my head. Please tell me this is not in my head.

[Wifflesnook]

Just a quick remark from me. We have often discussed what happens to our beloved spouse's ashes here. Two years or more later my Pete's ashes sit on our dressing table in our bedroom waiting until I die and they will be mixed and scattered. It's a very personal issue and shouldn't be rushed.

[mfh]

I admire your insight and your strength. Just take care of you. Do not be spiteful. Be loving to yourself and even to her...but also be firm and stick to your own needs.