My Girlfriend's Father Just Passed Away And She Just Broke Up With

[Anthony9528]

Quick update of this evening.... I managed to shake the negativity that was holding me down a little while ago.
I even had a brief cry which hadnt happened in the past day or so. It came unexpectedly....

Im all good now.
I started reading the book "getting past your breakup" by susan j elliott. I highly recommend this to anyone experiencing the same pain. Its definitely helping!!

[kayc]

That is terrific! I wish I'd heard of that book when I needed it!

I know that Friday nights (and all weekend) are hard for all of us here who've lost husbands...it's a reminder of what we had and lost. The empty quietness just seems to magnify the loss. I hope you can think of something enjoyable to do this weekend!

[Anthony9528]

Well its officially over. What i experienced today was horrible. So i texted my ex to see if i can get my stuff today before heading to my friends house. I figured to get it over with instead of waiting til tomorrow. She texted me back and said sure come over..... I go over there and it was like she was having a party. All her friends were there and putting up the christmas tree having a great time. Its like i never existed.... She showed no feeling what so ever. My heart broke again today. You would think she would have the decency to spare me that scene but i guess not. I guess in a way it was good that i saw it. Still hurt so bad. It also made me decide that she does not deserve the gift i was going to send her.

How could she do that to me?

It didnt seem like her father's death mattered much either.....

It hasnt even been a full week but i guess the person ending the relationship always has the easier time moving on.

I am still in shock... How could i have loved someone like this?

What also sucks is im jealous she was able to move on so fast and im struggling to make it thru each day.....

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Anthony ~ You're obviously a very good guy, and you don't deserve to be treated this way. I just want you to know that we are here for you, and you have been heard. We are thinking of you tonight . . . ♥

[kayc]

It's probably not much consolation but they usually have conflicted feelings later on. Doesn't mean they want back together though. I am just so sorry, it's not fair! I'm glad you have your things back and can start putting it all behind you. Gosh, when Jim broke up with me, I packed up all his stuff and dropped it off the next morning...I didn't have to see him though, his roommate was there. I almost wish he could have seen me dropping it off, I kind of wanted him to feel bad about what he did to me. Hang in there, it should start getting better but it'll be gradual and it'll take time. It just takes a long time to process it all, it's hard to wrap your head around it.

[ecwiener5]

Hi Anthony9528,

Thank you SO MUCH for this post. I have identified and continue reading as you update, and its been so helpful to know I am not alone in this sort of situation. I am going through something remarkably similar at this very moment.

My boyfriend (I think?) and I have only been dating for about 2-3 months, but things moved VERY quickly. I really felt an almost fateful connection with him, and knew that we were definitely heading somewhere. We spent a lot of time together, there were complications from the start about constraints that might have impeded the relationship, but we worked around those- he was so grateful (and vocal) about how I had adapted, how much he cared about me and how he had not even been near a relationship in years. It seemed from what he said that I was different, and that I made him happy, and we were communicating about how to best move forward.

I had so much fun with him, we were falling in love and it was crazy but wonderful. I was completely in love before Thanksgiving, which was scary to me because it was fast. I got overwhelmed from time to time (I am an emotional pisces), but things were really good... I say this last bit because now, in my late night obsessions, I think things I should never have been upset about or if I was (in his mind) too crazy, etc etc etc self loathing and doubt....

His father passed away suddenly 10 days ago. He is in so much pain, his life has changed so dramatically and now he has to take over for a big family in a lot of critical ways. All I wanted to do was help, and at first it seemed he wanted my help. I was staying at his house with his family, I confirmed many times that I was invited and that I was not going to push myself on him if he did not want me there-- he assured me, he did. I was there for him to do menial stuff, help his family with things like rides or company or supplies, I was there are a comfort (both emotionally and physically), and I really was trying to do my best to be as supportive as possible. He told me that he loved me and needed me, and I told him I loved him too. But, I was also scared by the love declarations because I feared they couldn't be sincere (this is also based on my own stuff). I said so.

I should have kept my mouth shut on it. I should never have questioned him on anything, any of his actions. But his family was also there, and sometimes they seemed (and vocalized) relying on me to help steer him down the best path. His family said things such as "you are really just a little angel sent to help," etc. Granted, he never said anything like that. But it didn't seem like the best way forward was to be an all supportive, don't offer advice, don't talk about things situation. Clearly, I misread that.

Then, I left his house. It was a Tuesday, and the funeral was coming that weekend- I inquired about when he wanted to see me again or how I could help. I emphasized that I wanted to be there when he wanted me around, and was clearly insecure about it. He said maybe Thursday, or Friday, but not the night after the funeral because "he didn't want me to see him like that." It was going to be a big party, but even at that point he said he didn't want me to be there. But after Tuesday, he really backed the hell off. I keep thinking if when I said this or that, if then was the moment I "lost" him. For instance, when he said please just don't analyze anything I say, nothing I say means anything because I have lost my mind, and I responded emotionally that he should watch out throwing l-bombs around (wasn't angry but still), cause its kinda live amo. HUGE mistake, I regret it immensely, though now there is no way for me to apologize.

I texted a couple of times, he was clearly pulling away and never responded to any of my apologies and offers to help and promises and declarations of affection and good intention. No response. Went to the funeral with a friend, he was very cold and dismissive at first, but I didn't leave when my friend did and stood with him. Things seemed to get more comfortable, and I held his hand every now and again (at first, he pulled away though). I see now that he was trying not to hurt me. He was inviting everyone to the party, but kept saying he didn't think he wanted me there because of how he was going to act. Eventually, he said "it might be irreversible" which I took to mean too scary that I run, but now understand it to be "I might dump you." He said he would call and let me know, I left and mouthed that I loved him, he looked at me with this intense longing and said thanks for coming.

He texted that I shouldn't come. I freaked, sent a couple emotional texts, no response. That was Saturday, and I said I would give him space, and I have not heard a word since. I am expecting a call later this week with a break up, and I am HEARTBROKEN but feel completely unjustified. I hate him and love him and then hate him again. I miss him so much, and want to be there for him more than anything. Sometimes, I feel passionately vindictive that he threw me away, but then hate myself because he can't be blamed, he can't be rational right now, and I am just not that important. I'm important in my head, but not in his.

I'm respecting his wishes and I've disappeared. Haven't been in contact since that night. Does this bode well for me? I DO have distant hopes he won't dump me, just say that he needs more time or he wants to still see me but take it slow and easy. But I don't think so. Should I give up hope? Is there something I can do? or Anthony, is there something that has made it easier to cope as time goes on? I am terrified I am going to be just in a panicked, depressed, heartbroken limbo forever, completely paralyzed and powerless to do anything to help anyone, myself or him. How can I not be selfish, and how can I sustain being forgiving that he is in the process of throwing me away?

I apologize for going on so long about myself.... I obviously have self-absorbed issues.... thanks for reading if you got this far

[Anthony9528]

Thank you for your story!! Its been a few days since I responded and after reading your post it felt like a good time for me to give an update as well as try and help you.

Ok, so let's see.... My last post was about when I picked up my stuff this past Saturday.... Wow, still a bit of a shocking experience. My heart broke again that today. I have not heard from my ex since then and I also have not texted her. Yes, I still ache for her and wonder what she is doing but I'm starting to value myself more than I did a week ago.... and, let me just remind you, if you go back and read my first post, I was a freakin mess!!!! I never felt emotional pain like that.

I still at times do try to analyze the relationship and situation... what I might have done wrong, should I have been more assertive, etc.... Listen, you can't do that.... Nothing can change the events that have now happened and you trying to change yourself or apologize for something you may have or have not done is not right. You are better than that! Since my breakup, I've been doing a lot of reading.... which I will admit, was something I rarely did. I wholeheartedly suggest you start reading the book "getting past your breakup" by susan j elliott. That is definitely helping me.

At least in your situation, you are not officially broken up but it kinda sounds like you know in your heart that you already are. I advise you, please go no-contact!!! It will be the hardest thing to do, especially in the beginning, but it is the best option. I broke down by the 3rd day and texted her and didn't really get the response I'd hoped for. I'm sure you saw that in my earlier posts. Also, Facebook - if you use it, stop!!!!!!!! I was checking it constantly!!! And then the minute my ex posted her beautifully lit Christmas tree that Saturday night was when I drew the line and un-friended her and I haven't looked her up on Facebook since.

Now, in my situation, there were things I purposely overlooked about my ex that were warning signs from the beginning. Love can do that. Thinking rationally about things, I can see a bit more clearly. In that book I referenced. you are asked to make lists.... positives and negatives about a few different categories. That helped me tremendously!!! It gives you a better sense of the relationship that once was b/c whatever relationship you and your boyfriend have from this point on will be different. You are both forever changed.

Now, I'm not saying I'm the greatest guy by any means, but in my defense of any shortcomings, I did everything for my ex. There was nothing I wouldn't have done. I treated her with respect, tenderness, compassion and love. Maybe this was my downfall in the end. Maybe that was too overwhelming for her. I will never know the truth. All I can say is I gave it everything I had and that is something I can be proud of.

I'm not gonna lie. The pain will be unbearable. I am still not at a full night sleep. Do I still miss her? HECK YEAH!!!! But it's important to realize your value!!!!!!

Please post back to tell me how you are doing. Everyone on here has helped me and we will try to do the same for you! I know you feel alone but trust me you are not!!

[Anthony9528]

Oh, and just a few more points too... As time goes by, it will get a little easier, not a lot but a little and that makes a difference. When I hear my phone go off with a text I'm still hoping its her and when its not, I don't get as upset as I did a week ago.

I still have not seen her in the gym.... She has chosen to stay away.... at least for now. Part of me would like to think the reason is b/c she is realizing she made a terrible mistake in letting me go and now can not look at me.... LOL

But whatever the reason, it has been a good thing. No contact is definitely helping me come to terms with everything. I know if/when she does return back to her normal schedule that will be tough for me but I know I will be strong enough to handle it.

If, in the future, she does tell me she wants to try again, she will have to earn my trust. I don't know how but after the pain I've been through it will be hard for me to just forget that. I don't have the false hope that everything will go back to normal as I once did several days ago, I think Saturday's event killed that which I believe was the best thing for me to see. But, you never know what the future holds.

[kayc]

Anthony, it's never wrong to show respect, be nice etc. That's how my late husband got me! That's how my son got his wife, and my SIL got my daughter. Women DO like nice men, but some women are messed up, just as some guys are. I'm glad you have your stuff back and that's over with...it doesn't surprise me how hard it hit you, it seems so final then. If you have anything she gave you, put it in an out of the way place...perhaps someday you'll have the strength to just get rid of it. But don't let it hit you in the face every time you walk into your home.

ECW, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I feel the same way Anthony does, that you have nothing to apologize for, actually, your telling him that was good advice and you should not have to take ill treatment to "keep a relationship". As Anthony said, it's important to respect yourself.

There is so much advice given, so many stories shared, here on this section, but the one thing I'd reiterate is try to focus on yourself, keep busy, spend time with family/friends, take your focus off of him...he'll infiltrate your mind more than enough as it is, but with time it will begin to lessen a bit.

It's a red flag when a relationship moves too quickly...mine and Jim's did too. I thought he was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with and when he asked me to marry him, it was easy to get caught up with it. But it ended the same as everyone else here...break up with the death of his mom. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to analyze what there are no answers to. There is only to accept and move on, in your time, as you're ready. If you listen to that voice inside of you, it'll tell you what to do...but be prepared for an argument from your heart. Try to go with the head. Good luck to you, broken hearts do heal, even though it doesn't seem like there's any end in sight in the throes of it.

[Anthony9528]

So the hat that I ordered for my ex prior to our break up arrived.... And I decided after my recent heartache I would not give her the gift and that she didn't deserve it. So I open up the package to see what I had ordered and was like "wow, this hat is perfect for her. It is so her. She would love it." She loves wearing silly winter hats and this one that I got for her was perfect..... Unfortunately, I still can't give it to her b/c of any possible issues that may occur or how she would read my intentions. She clearly is trying to avoid me as she has not been to the gym now for almost 2 weeks. For me, to send this gift to her I see as only causing trouble. But yet, I want her to have it so bad..... It's weird that after all the pain I've suffered over these past 2 weeks, I am still willing to give. I'm not sure why....

Ugh, I wish I could give it to her. I know she would smile. I want her to smile even though I am suffering.

[kayc]

I don't see anything wrong with passing it on to her and telling her "I ordered it before we split up, but I hope you enjoy it."

[Anthony9528]

Ugh, rough day today..... I'm missing her so bad today. Can't help but cry... I was doing so good too.... It just came out of nowhere and I can't shake it. The holidays really aren't helping either. I wish I had some Christmas spirit. I love this holiday and now I feel like I'm gonna miss out on it this year. I don't even want to get in to talking about New Years...... I'm trying my hardest to stay positive but today I'm hurting horribly.

[kayc]

I know, I've had some like that. Just think, next Christmas will be very different.

[MartyT]

[Anthony9528]

Its Christmas eve and even though im with family right now, i miss her. I miss her so much. I havent missed her this much in a while. It will be a month this Sunday. No word from her, not that I expect to hear from her... I wish she would reach out to me.

[MartyT]

Anthony, my dear, of course you miss her, most especially tonight. Christmas is all about being together with our family members and our loved ones. It's a time when we feel most acutely the presence of an absence. I'm so sorry, and I know how much this hurts. Please know we are thinking of you and holding you close tonight. ♥

[kayc]

Anthony,

I'm sorry, I know how hard the holidays are after a break up. I'm kind of feeling it too since I'm alone...all the more so since I had surgery yesterday...alone, and nearly died (long story). When you're alone in the hospital two days before Christmas and no one comes home with you to help you care for yourself, you feel very alone. Holidays are triggers and exacerbate our already hurting hearts. I hope you have plans for tonight/tomorrow and are not alone and that the day goes better than you anticipate. You're in our hearts and thoughts.

[Anthony9528]

Thank you both. Your support has definitely helped these past weeks. I cant believe will already be a month this Sunday.

[NolanD]

Anthony,

I've read your entire story and let me just say, first off, you're NOT alone. But I figured you gathered that, by now, based off of the tremendous support you've received.

I'm in a very similar boat, as you are.

Although, my story is a bit more, sordid, your feelings mirror mine.

I'm hoping the New Year has found you well.

I truly hope you understand that...

1. Youre not alone
2. You are better off without her

I broke up with my significant other, back on 11/2/14. That's over two months ago. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think of her. But, in my heart, I know it's what's best for me. And she isn't it.

In your situation, it just seems like, even though she may have thought she was ready, at the time, that she really wasn't ready for a committed relationship. I know it's hard (trust me on this), to NOT blame yourself, but it really isn't your fault.

You seem like a good guy. Don't stop being one on account of her. Don't let her idiosyncrasies define who you are now.

Good luck. I wish you well.

[kayc]

You seem like a good guy. Don't stop being one on account of her. Don't let her idiosyncrasies define who you are now.

Very well stated! I hope you do better every day!

[Anthony9528]

Good morning everyone!! It's so funny b/c I just realized that a little time has passed since my last post and I wanted to give an update only to come on here this morning and see some new posts as well! Thank you so much!!!!

Ok, let's begin.... My thoughts might be a little scattered... I have a lot to say. : )

So where did I leave off? Ah, yes, Christmas Eve.... Wow, that was a tough one. Christmas day was as well... I do feel bad that I wasn't able to give my family the attention they deserved and did my best to hide any sorrow I had but they all could tell I was still hurting and they understood, for the most part. Here we are today.... I'm doing much better. I've been very positive these past few weeks. I've been reading a ton of self-help books which I can't believe b/c I was never a big reader. I've been completely focused on myself.... consistent with my diet, hitting the gym religiously, trying to re-connect with old friends, getting involved with my old hobbies, as well as starting some new ones.

One of my recent favorites is the speed bag I set up in my basement!!! I've been practicing almost every night for the past several weeks and I've gotten pretty good at it now. Plus, what I stress reliever to repeatedly punch something. LOL!!! No, I'm not picturing my ex's face on the bag.... stop that! Well, ok, maybe once, twice, or a few times..... LOL

I have to say I'm not the person I was several weeks ago.... Oh, how I still remember the day.... I'm better!!!! I'm extremely motivated, feeling positive, and focused. When those negative thoughts creep on in to my mind, I fight them off like a ninja. It's only been a little over a month since the break and I'm working towards the future. A future without my ex. The old me accepted a lot of things about that relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.... The new me realizes she is not the one for me. I'm still nowhere near ready to date and that's ok. Well, I shouldn't say not ready, more like not willing. I want to be completely healed within myself and be comfortable to put forth the effort that a relationship requires. I choose not to start another relationship until I know I can give it my all. That wouldn't be fair to the other person. I do miss sex though.... LOL

So, I've been guilty at still trying to look at my ex's Facebook page even though I un-friended her and blocked her. Yes, there are still ways around it to get to her profile pic, believe me, I know and have done it..... But, guess what???? Something happened just yesterday that has helped me move on a little more. So, I was on one of the dating websites just doing random searches (probably in preparation for my future self) and who did I find??? My ex-girlfriend!! She is already up and running on the dating scene. Of course, I was shocked.... but then I realized... Why? If that's what she needs to do then I hope she is able to find happiness.

I almost feel sorry and wish I could help her heal. To go through a divorce, then have a bunch of hook-ups, then have a relationship with me, then have your father pass away all in a matter of less than a year, that has to be hard on anyone.... And to now be out dating again.... Well, maybe she is stronger than I think she is... and, if so, I give her credit.

All I can do and continue to do is focus on me, my thoughts, and being a better person in this world. The rest will all fall in to place. Things happen for a reason. I am thankful for my past as I am now prepared for a better future!

Anyone that reads this, please continue to post, please add your stories and comments. I am here to listen and help in any way!!!!!

[Anthony9528]

Oh a couple of other things I forgot to mention..... My ex still hasn't been back to the gym which has been a blessing in disguise. I hope she chooses not to go back there but if she does, that's fine. I don't own it and have no right to want to keep her out. If/when she does come back, I will be ready to deal with the situation.

Also, I stepped out of my comfort zone on New Year's Eve and went to a friend's house party. It felt so good! I dreaded being alone but the invitation presented itself and I refused to say no. I needed to just do it as opposed to sitting home alone and trapped in my mind. I was able to do a little socializing which I've always had some trouble with in the past but my confidence and self-esteem are slowly growing which helped. I went in there with no expectations and I have to say I'm so glad I did.

All of the self improvement I'm doing right now is for me. That is very important!!! Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself!!! Don't change for someone else. Make changes b/c you want them.

My ex told me I'm too affectionate which makes me clingy.... Well, guess what... I'm an affectionate guy. I want my actions to match my words. I will not change that about myself b/c I like that about myself. Affection is just as important to men as it is women (even the tough guys still need affection even though they don't want to admit it). : )

[NolanD]

My ex told me I'm too affectionate which makes me clingy.... Well, guess what... I'm an affectionate guy. I want my actions to match my words. I will not change that about myself b/c I like that about myself. Affection is just as important to men as it is women (even the tough guys still need affection even though they don't want to admit it). : )

This is about the most important thing to remember. Don't EVER let someone mold you into who you're not. Stay true to who you are. If you like you, and are comfortable with you, then keep being you and let no one change that. Because, at the end of the day (and your life), you're the one who has to spend the most time with you. If you don't like yourself, how do you expect others to?

You're on the right path. Good luck!!

[kayc]

Someone not liking something integral about yourself is a red flag that they're not the one, I'm glad you've realized that. You're doing all the right things and well on your way to recovery from the relationship. I have every belief that you'll do great!

[Anthony9528]

Hi everyone!

I wanted to give an update b/c it has been a while and something happened this morning that is worth sharing. Plus, I really could use some advice.

So, up until this point, I've been doing my own thing. Focusing on myself. Letting time heal me although I do still think about my ex. But it's weird b/c I do still think about her but not in a missing her, I need her near me way.... if that makes any sense. I went to the gym this morning doing my thing and there she was. It was the first time I've seen her since the break, well I saw her the week after to get my stuff but you know what I mean. It will be 2 months this weekend since it ended.

I kept debating whether or not to ignore her. But I decided to be the bigger person and I went up to her. I simply said hi, welcome back, we exchanged some quick chit chat and that was it. Then as I was leaving, probably not even 10 minutes later, she texts me to thank me for not making it weird and that she really appreciated it. I texted back and just said no worries, we're cool. She then texted me to say she was glad to hear that and really hopes we can be friends but she will leave that up to me. I didn't respond and deleted the texts. Was it a good move????

I felt that if I did respond, anything I said would not have been better than not responding at all. If she truly wants to be friends, I'm not even sure what that would mean??? Why would she want to be friends with me? I'm glad I approached her and got that initial contact over with. I think if I didn't do it she wouldn't have so I feel good about that. I did feel the wound open up a little but I'm ok. I also felt the pull of wanting to get sucked back in which I'm still currently fighting.

I keep reminding myself that she hurt me bad, whether she realized it or not. I know that if I were friends with her, there would always be a part of me that would be bitter. Plus, I also think it would hinder my healing progress. I've come a long way since that emotional day and would hate to regress.

So what do you guys think about this?