Bebekat Posted January 1, 2006 Report Share Posted January 1, 2006 Here's to everyone out there. Happy New Year. I can't believe that its's New Years Eve and here I am, alone for the first time in 48 years. In years past, Tom and I didn't go to parties. We stayed home. Sometimes we would busy ourselves making traditional New Years dishes. He was the cook, I was the baker. We would stay up until midnight, of course, and watch the ball drop on TV. Two years ago we decided to do something different. It's about a 5 hour drive to the mountain where we like to ski. So, we took one of our boys and my Dad and drove up north. When we arrived at the cabin we had borrowed for the weekend, it was late. The power in the area had gone out. So, we made an adventure out of it. No heat, no problem, we soon had the wood burning stove blazing. Being a desert rat, I had no experience with cold weather. It was fun cooking dinner on that stove. It was kinda like camping. There is something truly spiritual about that mountain and skiing out there. It was one of the best New Years Day I ever had. Since I work in a hospital, I don't always get holidays off. Tomorrow I have to go to work at 6 am, so I will be retiring early. I've been around a lot of death in my life, 25 years at the hospital. You'd think I would be able to handle this better than I have. People at work always say things like, "Wouldn't it be so horrible to lose a loved one during the holidays?", or "How sad, now they will always have Christmas ruined because their loved one died on/near it" Well, now I just want to say something back, like "It's not ruined because they died on the holiday, it's ruined because they died."I have told several people about this forum and how I feel it helps me. One woman at work lost her husband several years ago and still has a hard time with it. Another friend just lost her mother to emphysema after years of struggle. One of our coworkers had the nerve to ask her if it made her feel better to know that her mother had brought it on herself by smoking. It must be nice to be perfect. My husband died from pancreatic cancer and cerrhosis of the liver. They think it was brought on by Hepatitis C. He was diagnosed with that at the same time as the cancer and liver disease. Yes, he made some bad choices in his youth. But he changed, and was a better person for the last 25 years. He had been happy and healthy (so we thought ) for all those years. IT'S NOT FAIR!! So how do I feel? Do I feel better knowing he "brought it on himself"? No, I am angry, and sad, and don't have a whole lot of faith in medicine right now. I have been a Respiratory Therapist for 25 years. I have been taking classes, one at a time, to get my RN degree for the last 5 years. I'm 5 classes short and right now don't know if I want to continue. It's so hard, I can't help relating everything to Tom and his illness. The only thing that is making me not quit right now is knowing that I might be able to help others. Maybe not heal them, but just be there......but first I need to get through this. Forgive my rambling. I can't believe I went and got a puppy for Christmas. Now I have two dogs. The dogs were always Tom's thing. He trained them. They were his and his Gwen has been so lonely without him. I guess I thought they could keep each other company. I don't know what I was thinking. One night I begged him. I said, "Tom, babe, I could really use your help with this." It seems to help. I don't know how, but I have found resources or "just known" what to do...so far.I can't believe there haven't been any posts today. Are you out there? Are you OK? Is it OK to be just OK? Happy New Year Baby, Love ya!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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