Happy New Year

[Bebekat]

Here's to everyone out there. Happy New Year. I can't believe that its's New Years Eve and here I am, alone for the first time in 48 years. In years past, Tom and I didn't go to parties. We stayed home. Sometimes we would busy ourselves making traditional New Years dishes. He was the cook, I was the baker. We would stay up until midnight, of course, and watch the ball drop on TV.

Two years ago we decided to do something different. It's about a 5 hour drive to the mountain where we like to ski. So, we took one of our boys and my Dad and drove up north. When we arrived at the cabin we had borrowed for the weekend, it was late. The power in the area had gone out. So, we made an adventure out of it. No heat, no problem, we soon had the wood burning stove blazing. Being a desert rat, I had no experience with cold weather. It was fun cooking dinner on that stove. It was kinda like camping. There is something truly spiritual about that mountain and skiing out there. It was one of the best New Years Day I ever had.

Since I work in a hospital, I don't always get holidays off. Tomorrow I have to go to work at 6 am, so I will be retiring early. I've been around a lot of death in my life, 25 years at the hospital. You'd think I would be able to handle this better than I have. People at work always say things like, "Wouldn't it be so horrible to lose a loved one during the holidays?", or "How sad, now they will always have Christmas ruined because their loved one died on/near it" Well, now I just want to say something back, like "It's not ruined because they died on the holiday, it's ruined because they died."

I have told several people about this forum and how I feel it helps me. One woman at work lost her husband several years ago and still has a hard time with it. Another friend just lost her mother to emphysema after years of struggle. One of our coworkers had the nerve to ask her if it made her feel better to know that her mother had brought it on herself by smoking. It must be nice to be perfect.

My husband died from pancreatic cancer and cerrhosis of the liver. They think it was brought on by Hepatitis C. He was diagnosed with that at the same time as the cancer and liver disease. Yes, he made some bad choices in his youth. But he changed, and was a better person for the last 25 years. He had been happy and healthy (so we thought ) for all those years. IT'S NOT FAIR!!

So how do I feel? Do I feel better knowing he "brought it on himself"? No, I am angry, and sad, and don't have a whole lot of faith in medicine right now. I have been a Respiratory Therapist for 25 years. I have been taking classes, one at a time, to get my RN degree for the last 5 years. I'm 5 classes short and right now don't know if I want to continue. It's so hard, I can't help relating everything to Tom and his illness. The only thing that is making me not quit right now is knowing that I might be able to help others. Maybe not heal them, but just be there......but first I need to get through this.

Forgive my rambling. I can't believe I went and got a puppy for Christmas. Now I have two dogs. The dogs were always Tom's thing. He trained them. They were his and his Gwen has been so lonely without him. I guess I thought they could keep each other company. I don't know what I was thinking. One night I begged him. I said, "Tom, babe, I could really use your help with this." It seems to help. I don't know how, but I have found resources or "just known" what to do...so far.

I can't believe there haven't been any posts today. Are you out there? Are you OK? Is it OK to be just OK?

Happy New Year Baby, Love ya!!

[spela]

Thank you. Happy New Year to you too. I can't believe it can be "happy"? Last night was horrible, it got worse every minute, and I went to bed early, crying and holding his picture. At midnight (I had radio on) I kissed him and said "happy New Year" to him - and in a way I was with him, like before, it didn't change much though everything's changed ...

People wish me a better year than tha one that just ended. I don't know how to respond. What do they mean by "better" - my meaning of "better" is the way it was before, when he was here. Maybe it can and will be more peaceful and easier to handle and to stay sane - maybe that's what they mean by "better" ... Sometimes it's even hard to believe that things still happen around me and that the New Year has come - now that he died ...

I think you made a good decision about a dog - it's good to have someone who needs you and your attention. Dogs really are perfect friends, they never complain, they're always there to listen and don't talk much (or at all), and are always happy to see you when you get home. Training them can be another way of remembering Tom, another thing he's being proud of you for ...

Take care!

[Guest JohnB]

It's a common theme, Happy, Merry, Good, Hope and so on.

Some of those people don't understand some do and are just hoping we'll get better like if we had cancer.

At first it hurts just to hear good morning, how could there ever be a good morning again, don't those stupid people know that.

I guess my point is, just cut them all a little slack because if they have never had a major loss they have no idea of what it feels like.

I haven't wished anyone a Happy, Merry or Good anything for 6 months that's kind of selfish of me.

[Charlie]

To Bebkat,

You could have been writing about my life. We were together 48 years and have a lovely cabin in the mountains and each Christmas or New Years we would go up there, light a fire in the fireplace, cozy up in front of the TV with some wine and watch the ball drop. Oh how I miss those days. This year I sat alone watched the ball drop in New York, still 2 hours away from New Years here in Phoenix, and then I went to bed and cried for 3 hours. Does not really matter what time of the year it is, the pain never ceases.

I also work at Mayo hospital here in Phoenix along with my daughter who is an RN, she cared for his father his last few weeks, dying of prostate cancer, so going to work each day watching death is so very painful bringing back such memories. I work as a telephone operator at Mayo, so when people call looking to Mayo for hope when all other avenues are failing, my heart goes out to them because all hope ended when my dear husband passed. When they say maybe Mayo can save them my heart just breaks.

Starting another year without him, he died Oct, 2004, seems unreal, how could he be gone so long when we planned on growing old together. Now I just try to get thru one day at a time.

Hope 2006 gives us all some peace.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38-10/20/04

Edited January 1, 2006 by Charlie

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I looked last nite also to see if anyone had written about New Year's eve, but all was quiet. I guess we were all alone with our thoughts and trying to make thru. Last year Larry was in the hospital on New Years eve but at least we got to talk, laugh, and look forward. Now he is gone. Looking forward does not feel like an option. I went with his mom today to the cemetary, the first time I have been with her. She said she was proud of me and that it was a step in the right direction. I am so disconnected. I don't want to take any steps in any direction. I'm still stunned that he is not here with me. Did he know his last few days that he was leaving? Did he carry that burden alone not knowing how to tell me? Hospice was scheduled to come the day he died. I didn't know the end would come so fast. He vanished but this house is so full of him. How does your brain and heart put this all together so you can think straight. I've burned more on the stove top, I fix some lunch, put it in the microwave and find it later that night as I forgot to eat. Will my mind come back, do I even want it to... Not if he is not here.

[Bebekat]

Yeah, I guess last night I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head. Last year Tom was so sick we didn't even thnk about New Years. We still had hope. There were still options. They still didn't know if it was really cancer. We were going to beat it.

I'm gald you were able to go to the cemetry. Like you, I find myself putting things in odd places only to find them sometime later. Unfortunately, I don't ever forget to eat. In fact, I eat to comfort myself. And I can't seem to wake up! ...Maybe I'll see him in my dreams...

[Susan]

To Deborah_*' post='3198' date='Jan 1 2006, 07:34 PM']

I have the same feelings you have, all through the house are reminders of our 41 years together. My husband was sick for so long but his death came so sudden towards the end. I keep his Old Spice open in the room he was in so I can smell his presence.

I know we have to go on with our lives, and even though I knew he was dying and his body was giving out, I still wasn't ready.

It is hard not to dwell on all the things we did wrong, instead of all the things we did right.

I too, wonder if he knew I was with him and how much I loved him and would miss him. I know how hard it is to try to eat, and just go about my everyday living. I was hoping things would get easier, but by your posting I think it will be a long process. Lets keep our loved ones in our hearts, knowing they are at peace. Sometimes it is hard to be the one left behind.

God Bless,

Susan

[charlieslove]

It's definately hard to be the one left behind!!! Hopefully 2006 will bring a little bit of peace to us all. This was my 2nd NYE without my husband - last year's I don't even remember. I'm SURE I didn't have a very good time! This year, I actually enjoyed myself. My husband was not much of a "partyer" and I like to "let my hair down", so as much as I hate to admit it, I found myself having a good time. I was at my sisterinlaw & brotherinlaw's house and we had lots of good friends there - all of them having known Charlie and missing him as much as I do (well...so they think.) We all toasted to him and all thought of him. Only thing was...I was the 13th wheel. I HATE that! Nothing that bothers me more than to see two people kiss or hold hands or hug or show some kind of affection. I miss that SO much between Charlie & me!!!! Just a little hug or a kiss from him would make me so happy! Guess I'll have to wait for it in a dream.....

My thoughts are with al of you!!

Patti

(for Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/04)

[kayc]

Well I hope you get it in your dreams...and don't feel bad for having a good time, good for you! We need to smile and breathe fresh air and see sunshine. We've all been too long without it. Usually New Year's doesn't mean anything to me, I don't drink or party so it's no big deal, but this year it was very meaningful to me. This last year was pure hell, one thing right after another. I thought the year was horrible BEFORE my husband died, so of course that finished it off. To me, 2006 signifies the beginning of something new, changes that will hopefully be better, it sure can't be as bad as 2005 was for me. To me it signifies the end of the run of bad luck that I had all year long. The change of tide...

Wishing all of you a better year to come!