Finding A New Way Of Being

[feralfae]

I am not sure this is a place to be posting this, but here I am, sort of huddled by the fire, breathing, trembling, and feeling very vulnerable. Sobbing, even whimpering a bit.

I had my first EMDR session today, and it was wonderful in one way, because we found a very safe place for me to be when I need to go there, although I am supposed to allow some of the pain and fear to process as much as I can tolerate. I had done quite a bit of input—over the phone—with the therapist before we met, and she gave some links to me so I had read a bit. She also advised that I keep the rest of the day and perhaps tomorrow free, and I have done so. She said a lot might be released.

My therapist uses hand-held little hand buds that vibrate when she has the cycle turned on, and the vibration moves from one hand to the other in a rhythmic pattern of equal duration. The attention of my body was constantly in motion between the two stimuli. She showed how it works, explained a bit, then we turned them off and talked. We spent a little time reviewing my life history for the past 6 years, briefly visiting the robbery, Doug's death, the subsequent attacks that began that same day, and the aftermath of Doug leaving. I told her how difficult it was to feel safe, to trust people, and especially difficult to feel I could be effective in directing and implementing my own life plans and dreams.

I was pretty upset, so while I was sobbing, she gave the wands to me to hold, and turned on the machine, and then slowly took me back to my safe place. She reminded me that we can always stop when it feels too much and that this is effective and works quickly but intensely. Hence the need for a couple of days for integration of all that has come up.

Then we talked about how as we discuss/look at these events, we will integrate them into a "history box" (my words) that can eventually be put away. Then it will all be in the past and I will not be re-living the events any more. Whew! She also told me that when I am more healed from the PTSD, I will be able to more easily release more grief that I am carrying for Doug.

This is a very intense therapy. I am now going to go do more body work to help move this energy and release some of this tension I am carrying around in my body since the session. I am fairly shaky yet. Fortunately, I now have a very safe place to go, and it seems to work well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I don't know what these sessions are like, but it does sound difficult to get through...yet if it helps you be free in the end, it will be worth it all. I'm sorry it's so hard to endure in the right now though!

[feralfae]

Today, it is 38 months since Doug left. I am amazed that I have survived. It is a snowy, cold day here, and I would give almost anything to have Doug here, at the table, to say morning prayers with me, share breakfast with me, and to give each other hugs as we begin our day.

I wish Doug were here. I wish I could feel his arms close around me and hear his voice one more time, reassuring me that everything will be all right. Without him, life is still very empty in so many ways, and the pieces that are left are not half as much fun or of interest as when there was someone here to share the surprises, the discoveries, the joys and sorrows, and yes, just the day.

I am stronger and better able to face the days, but the emptiness is still there, and the gaping hole is not closing: I am just learning to bear it better. If I let myself think much about it, the tears begin to flow (as they are right now) and I can feel my whole being reaching toward Doug's spirit. I know there is more for me to do, and that I must stay, but how I miss him!

Today is blood draws and other tests at the cancer center. I am sure it will all be fine, but I am going to keep doing these tests every three months to take the best care of myself that I can. This is also the day of my second EMDR session for the PTSS, and while the first one was tremendously emotionally uncomfortable and cathartic, the aftermath was more calm, confidence, and positive sense of myself than I have had in three years. I feel hope.

Yesterday, two of my godsons were here, hanging reflective old CDs on fish line from the roof to stop the woodpeckers from trying to nest in the walls. They also put the new battery in the tractor, and helped me move a couple of heavy things.

Time to head for the hospital and the tests, then on to the therapist for the EMDR. Empty heart, full days, and a sense that some healing progress is being made.

*<twinkles>*
fae

[MartyT]

Fae, my dear, I so respect and admire your courage. We wish you godspeed and safe travels as you head into this very busy day. Know that you carry all of us with you as you go. ♥

[kayc]

fae,

We wish you well today, I wish this would not be how you'd have to spend it, but we do what we must for our health. I'm glad your godsons were of help to you. I'm having my truck worked on this week, a neighbor I used to work with is doing it and saving me $ as the shop would have charged me twice as much, I'm sure. (New alternator, recharge my new battery that was drained, changing some other things)

Our thoughts are with you as today is a significant one for you. I'll be home later on if you want to talk. Love you!

[enna]

Dear fae,

You have many things on your plate today. My thoughts are with you as you travel from one place to another. One thing I have been aware of as I've traveled this grief journey and have spent time here on our forum is that we are a determined group and what affects one affects all.

You know I travel with you. ♡

[LadyCarrie]

I join others in prayers and thoughts for you today, Fae. I pray all goes well for you today and all days. I'm thankful for your good lab reports. Maybe now you will be able to enjoy more of the things you like to do, and maybe now, our Anne can get back onto her horse again (sounds painful to me; I will just hug the horse's neck, and tell her how lovely she is. The front end of a horse feels safer to me.). Your post touches my heart.

Kay, I had been wondering about your truck, and praying you would be able to find a fix for it. I know your need for your truck is great. I am delighted for your good report. Thanks for telling us that your truck is repaired. We give thanks for good friends, don't we? Just about the time we are about to give up, someone shows up. Their showing up is no accident, but you know this already. God doesn't answer our prayers by tossing us loaves of bread; He answers our prayers by sending us friends. I thank you, and all here, for your friendship. We reach out to hold each other up. Thank you, Marty, for providing a place for this to be possible. You are a blessing to multitudes through this forum. I know you hear that a lot, but I needed to tell you again. ❤️

We've been told to expect rain and snow for several days, but until this morning, we had only 11/100ths of an inch of rain from this "storm," according to Jerry's weather station. Early this morning, we heard a roaring similar to the sound of a plane droning on and on. We thought and said, "Surely, that isn't the wind!" Jerry went to Amberly's old room, and opened the window to listen. After being slapped in the face with what must have been a 40 mph-gust, I heard the window being closed quickly. It was indeed the wind roaring just above and among the tree tops. I could not help laughing when I heard the window being closed so fast, and he had to laugh at himself.

Jerry noticed that we couldn't see Mt. Lewis, our nearest "hill" to the east. A very fine snow began shortly thereafter, and now, we can see only just beyond our back yard. The snow is swirling and blowing in all directions, being driven by the wind, lost and not knowing which way to go as it looks for a soft bed upon which to rest (something like some of us at times, right?). God is in control of the snow, and He is in control of each of us. He will make a soft bed for the snow, and we will find a soft landing in some ways on some days for us.

May God be with each one here today, and may He give each of us a measure of supernatural peace in our hearts today, and then one day at a time, as we place one foot in front of the other--or somewhere near the other foot. Sometimes we stumble or stagger, but we must find our way---in separate places, yet together, as we hold onto each other and hold each other up.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[MartyT]

Blessings and hugs to you as well, dear Carrie, and thank you ♥

[feralfae]

Thank you for all the wonderful, warm, and caring emotional support.

The tests that were to be done today are only half done, and the rest are put off until next week, when they get back the results of these tests from today. No crisis or worry, but just some inaccurate scheduling, apparently, so there will be more blood draws and imaging next week, and if the blood work is clear, then I get to cancel the imaging. That is good. I spent a while going all over the hospital and labs and cancer center and back to labs and back to cc to get things straightened out and organized.

EMDR is still sinking in. A good session, looking at my anger and fear, while using the EMDR system, and then going to my place of peace, where, I realized today, I am so very comforted because it feels safe, and it is a place I have always been loved, appreciated, respected, and cherished. I think I have taken for granted the healing power of the sanctuary of the ranch. It is a place of total safety and love for me. And it is the place I chose as my place of safety and peace when I had to imagine somewhere. Now, if we can just make sure Fluffy stays up canyon in his cave . . .

Fluffy is the local mountain lion, who occasionally chomps on a deer or bighorn sheep. I named him Fluffy a few years ago, and was warned that even with the name Fluffy, this is still a dangerous carnivore. Fluffy and I have walked along on opposite sides of the river, warily watching each other, but he has never shown any aggression toward me. Of course, I have also hunted with wolves, and we had the same experience, so maybe they know I am not much competition, as well as not being very good eating.

I am feeling better, perhaps in part because I am putting a lot of energy into this effort to heal from the PTSS. To me, the EMDR seems almost like magic. I think that G*d is watching over me, and that I am surrounded by Angels, as usual. First, Mary sent the link to the BvdK video, which informed me that my feeling that the counseling I was getting was not very effective was a true feeling for me. That form of therapy may work well for others, but I did not feel much better, although I tried to feel better. Then, my grief counselor helped me to find this excellent EMDR therapist. And she really listens, rather than trying to keep me on her schedule or agenda. Big change.

Presently, although the emotional storms can be pretty rough, once they are past I do feel better, stronger, more hopeful and peaceful. I don't think everyone is judging and hating me any longer. Yes, that was a true feeling, and a part of the syndrome. It is difficult to describe PTSS to people who have not had it. BdK describes it well, so I leave that to the professionals. I do not understand it fully. But I do know I feel better now. And when I told my therapist today that I was feeling better, she replied, "Yes, you are acting on your hope, and having the courage to feel and then release the pain." So, I have two sessions next week, and then some time off while she is away.

Okay, that is enough on that for now. I just finished making meringues for my girlfriend who is from Canada, and brought Bernard Callebaut chocolate drops to me as a gift, so I decided to make a batch of chocolate chip meringues for her, since she loves meringues, and I have this superb recipe from Oxford (smile, Kay!) from Balliol, from one of my girlfriends who went there. They are heavenly great! I have eaten two and must restrain myself. And as everyone knows, chocolate is the perfect anti-stress food, so I thought I might need a few when this session of EMDR really hits later today, as it takes a while. I am so glad I can eat some chocolate again. I will ration myself with two meringues later today, and look forward to them.

The day has turned sunny and warmer. Life is good. The hanging CDs seem to be deterring the flickers and hairy and downy woodpeckers, but the red-breasted nuthatches are still softly pecking in between the wire, and my godsons may need to put up more wire screening soon. I love birds, but not in the house.

this is all nattering, I know.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

We all just love your "nattering," dear Fae. And I'm sure that Anne will be as happy as I am to learn that you're able to eat chocolate again.

[kayc]

Carrie, well the truck isn't done yet but it's being worked on this week. I'm taking him his $ tonight as he's buying the parts on the way home from work. It'll be great when it's done!

I hope you can stay in and not have to face those gusts or the snow! I got my firewood up on the patio this morning before the rains set in.

fae, Well I HOPE "Fluffy" doesn't try to discover what you taste like! I knew there was a reason I like you so much...we are of the same heart. I, too, love the wild creatures that exist here and am not afraid of them...all except for the Cougar. I don't think giving them a name would make them any less dangerous.

I hope your chocolate meringues are wonderful, fae, Anne and I will be jealous!

[enna]

AIUI Marty, Internet Slang is very popular. It is not something I am familiar with except for some of the over used ones like LOL.

MMIW just thinking about the chocolate meringues Fae baked today. I don’t know about Callebaut chocolate drops but I do know about Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Bliss, Dark Chocolate M & Ms, Murdick Double Chocolate fudge, Fannie Mae dark chocolate creams, and so many more chocolates out there. SWT

Give me an unlimited number of books, mostly dark chocolates, good coffee or teas, sunshine, and music and I will be happy for a while.

I am so happy that you can eat chocolate again, Fae. I wish there was a way to send chocolate over the Internet. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could send a picture to someone and then it could be printed out as the REAL thing? YUM

AIUI – As I Understand It

MMIW – My Mouth Is Watering

SWT - Sweet

[feralfae]

AIUI Marty, Internet Slang is very popular. It is not something I am familiar with except for some of the over used ones like LOL.

MMIW just thinking about the chocolate meringues Fae baked today. I don’t know about Callebaut chocolate drops but I do know about Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Bliss, Dark Chocolate M & Ms, Murdick Double Chocolate fudge, Fannie Mae dark chocolate creams, and so many more chocolates out there. SWT

Give me an unlimited number of books, mostly dark chocolates, good coffee or teas, sunshine, and music and I will be happy for a while.

I am so happy that you can eat chocolate again, Fae. I wish there was a way to send chocolate over the Internet. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could send a picture to someone and then it could be printed out as the REAL thing? YUM

AIUI – As I Understand It

MMIW – My Mouth Is Watering

SWT - Sweet

Wow, Anne, the only one I knew was LOL. I am obviously an internet illiterate! I don't mind. Yes, I can have a little chocolate now, and I am beyond happy about it. The meringues turned out beautifully, really almost perfect. They will make great gifts. I must give them away or I will eat them and gain five pounds per treat, I am sure. Your sweeping knowledge of chocolate is impressive. Do you know about TCHO? You might have fun checking out their offerings.

Today, after so long of not being able to do as much as I'd like of exercise, I got to work up a good sweat and upped my pace.

Now, as to sending things and printing them out, so to type, I think that from printing out layered objects (there was a recent article on printing houses!) that the next step will be a wider variety of objects, with an abundance of various print-heads, and we will be able to send and print out chocolate. There is a lot of research and early applications going on right now in spray-forming and nano-technology and I think we will be able to send almost anything. I wonder if we will need Cray-sized processing. Probably the available technology will drive the down-stream applications. But I think spray-forming (sci-fi author L. Neil wrote about it and called it "sprey-forming") is coming, along with new energy sources/improved technologies for existing energy sources.

nattering again.

Well, it has been another slightly overwhelming day, and one I will no doubt be processing for the next few days. I go to escape into the screen, then read a mystery novel. I am watching a very neat film on Prime, "Take Me Home" about this guy who drives a cab and his romantic adventure. It is funny, cute and a good fable.

Sweet dreams to everyone, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I am in line for the new technology that will bring chocolate through my printer. I don't care what they call it.

TCHO

YES, a chocolate maker that offers tasting. Very expensive I think. I would be the first in line ~ well, maybe second in line after Marty. I hear it is a creamy, creamy chocolate.

It is not in my price range, but some day I’ll order a hot chocolate drink if I ever find a store that sells the cocoa.

I will be thinking of you these next days Fae.

[feralfae]

Anne,

I have found this to be the perfect prescription of TCHO:

https://www.tcho.com/shop/chocolate/assortments/tcho-a-day

Nicely priced, too.

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

It has been a beautiful day of culinary therapy.

I made lots of chicken muchi curry, organic, and some is in the freezer. Then I made chicken vegetable soup, also organic, and that will cool overnight, so I can put some in the freezer. I find that one activity that truly soothes and consumes me (no pun intended) when I am not having a studio day is cooking. Slicing and dicing really are therapeutic!

As well, my spirit sister in Fairbanks called and we talked for a long time, which was a heavenly visit. I had talked with our goddaughter, who is her daughter, earlier.

Then I had lovely visits with some of our grief sisters here, and ended my day with lots of laughter. It has been a long day, and I may follow Anne's lead and have a "PJ day" tomorrow. I'll see what the dawn brings. I know there will be birdsong—a delightful way to begin the day.

The arborist came and cut down the three dead trees threatening the power lines. Thank goodness, because we have had high winds, and one dead tree fell the other night.

Just to confirm my status as a slightly whacky nerd, there was a huge CME (coronal mass ejection) from the sun recently, and a wave of the energy disrupted our Earth's atmosphere. I think we humans felt it as well, and that is why so may of us are feeling disrupted, or scattered, or vulnerable. I am intending using it as an opportunity to let some stuff shake loose that I don't need to carry any more. And Venus and the Pleiades are very close in the western sky, at about sunset. Stunningly beautiful. Eight sisters together :)End of sky report

I feel so honored to be among this Tribe of love and light, rising from all our spirits and lifting our dreams and intentions of compassion and lovingkindness to shower down on all.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

I not only went to my DIL's baby shower, I left at 8:30 am and got there in time for church! Surprised my son.

Tonight it is snowing and sticking! It just started, it's so pretty!

Hmmm...I must have missed the CME...or maybe it explains it all.

[feralfae]

Kay, your stormy weather is gusting over the Divide and on its way here. A while ago, I drove home from the tests, past the Lake, where there was a lone wind surfer out, dancing on the waves, really handling his board and sail with beauty and grace, power and play. I pulled over and got our my binocs, and watched him for a while, just smiling at the beauty of this ride, as he appeared to skim the tops of the whitecaps, riding to and fro, obviously having a wonderful time. I could feel my body wanting to go out and ride the waves, but know I am not ready yet. More recovery to do.

I have just laid and lit a fire, and I can see the snow beginning to come over the Divide.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Woo Hoo!!!!!

How to say this?

Celebratory joy abounds.

I feel ready to fly, to laugh as I skim the waves of the lake, to play, to be fully alive in my element, which is for me, as it is for each of us, our beautiful Earth. This is our playground. This is a very happy time for me, this afternoon.

My tests are all clear—better even, if that is possible—and I do not need more tests for four months, which is a month longer than the three-month schedule I have been on since a year ago when the cancer was discovered and all removed. I am keeping my positive attitude as much as I can. Getting the very effective treatments for the PTSD is really helping, and I am learning a lot about how to live with and manage the PTS, as well as feeling my emotional system/psyche/heart healing.

Today, doc and I talked mostly about Doug, about climbing, and even nattered a bit about wines. The test results are so wonderfully healthy that I am released from all constraints on eating and drinking, but I will still continue at my moderate healing pace for a while longer, because I do not want any reversals. We talked about doc's climbing, the fora we both frequent, how cool Doug was, the climbing info that he shared with doc, and a lot about what doc considers my "remarkable spirit and determination" to be healthy and strong again.

I am up another pitch, I think, on this incredible climb out of the shadows, and each day, I see more light. Thank you for being on this journey with me, and for putting up with my nattering, as well as appreciating my occasional words of wisdom. I am going to pick out a bottle of great wine from the wine cellar, and open it in an hour or so, maybe have some GF crackers and cheese, and watch a nice romantic comedy. I want to laugh a lot. I wish so much Doug were here to celebrate this day with me, and we could dance around the living room, maybe out in the yard, smiling at each other, laughing and hugging as we danced. I wish so much I weren't faced with the sometimes seemingly overwhelming challenge of designing a new solo life for me, but then again, I know Doug needed to escape and I am glad he was able to leave with my love all around him and filling his heart and spirit. But I do miss him so.

I had decided as I drove in to see the doc that if there was bad news (because of all the strange ways of the tests this time) that I was not going to have chemo or any of that, but would probably retreat to simplicity and semi-solitude, and rid myself of all stress I could, take on no responsibilities, and just live in as much beauty and peace as I could, while foraging for organic foods and being as much at peace as possible.

If possible, I would heal myself, but if not, I would enjoy each day, avoid chemo and any more surgeries and laugh as much as possible, while writing love letters to everyone I love. That would include many of you here. I may do the love letters, anyway, just because I don't think we can tell each other too much how very much we love one another.

But, oh, I miss my darling Doug today. I miss his robust laughter, his strong arms and chest when he would pick me up and twirl me. I miss the feel of his hands tangled in my hair. I miss his kisses after we had sipped our wine as we stood on the balcony, watching the storms rise up and then spill down over the Divide. I miss hearing him declare, "Fantastic!" or "Excellent!" when good things happened. I miss his laughter that tickled my heart.

So, I prayed today, before I went in, that no matter what I heard today, no matter what might be before me, that Doug would have me on belay, watching over me and keeping me safe, no matter what. I know for a fact that G*d constantly has me on belay as well, but I also know that Doug is no doubt working for G*d full time now, and I know he bargained that he would always be here to watch over me, because that was part of his deal he made before he left (remember, I got to hear his side of the negotiations and general conversation). So I know Doug was with me today. And coming home, seeing the wind surfer out there, riding the whitecaps and choppy waves, so joyous in his play that I could feel his spirit dancing all the way over on the shore, where the wind whipped spray sometimes and the scuttling clouds made patterns of hot and cold against my skin. There was Doug, laughing with me, I know. I hope I get back to wind surfing and maybe some wind skiing too. Maybe at least skijoring. We will see.

I try not to natter about worry too much here around the fire, sort of to make up for all the incredibly toxic and terrible nattering I have done over these past two years, when the trauma stuff was so bad. But, I think that as I am finally healing this trauma in a caring and controlled setting, using the latest techniques with a skilled and supportive person, that I will also have less and less toxic stuff spilling out of me. Well, maybe you dears did not notice too much, but I certainly did. No doubt many thoughts will continue as I slowly winkle out those feelings and let them float away in Bill's Mary's bubbles. Thank you for that image, Mary.

Well, what a day! Tomorrow I will probably return to being a more calm and staid person, but for now, I am going to twirl with happiness and let myself go revel in this relief and joy, knowing that Doug is here, smiling and laughing most robustly at my worries and now at my relief and joy.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

And Kay?

Your blizzard just arrived. Side-ways blowing snow. I am so glad I started the fire!.

I'm off to cozy up and enjoy a wonderful evening with my wine and chicken soup. I hope you are all snugged in and taking very good care of you and the fur babies.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

I am overjoyed at your wonderful news, dear Fae! We all are!

And together with your precious Doug, we all say

Fantastic!

Excellent!

Hooray!

♥

[enna]

Can you see me smiling? Fae, this is such good news. My heart is happy for you.

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty.

Thank you Anne.

Thank you everyone.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

This is wonderful news Fae. Keep smiling! And write whatever you feel whenever you feel it. Happiness, sadness, anger, whatever. This is what this place is for. Now let us celebrate!

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Fae,

I wrote that I am DELIGHTED to learn your good news! I think I must have not hit "Post." I truly am happy for you, and I celebrate with you.

Happy hugs,

Carrie