14 Months On

[annew]

It's been 14 months since my best friend and life partner died so suddenly and unexpectedly. I am still crying every day and feel a lot of anxiety a lot of the day, even though I am more active and have the strength the last year gave me. In some ways I do feel better.....his illness was long and so sad for us both, though we did not think it was fatal. I have a lot of loving and effective support. But I still resist the pain and miss him so much. I really want him back so badlly. He was such a dear friend and comforter. So ironic I want him to hold and comfort me from the loss of him. I miss him so much and it seems more all the time now.

AnneW

[annew]

It's so hard to allow all this pain and fear.....I feel as though I failed him, not understanding what was happening and saving him. The failure is so hard to bear....the if only's have been so strong this last 14 months. I guess it's just part of the grief to believe I could have prevented it. I know he really was so tired of his illness and the destruction of all he had made of his life against incredibly difficult odds. He was/is such a good, good soul and so good to me when life had shown him precious little of that. I am so blessed, even in all this pain and regret, that I had him for the 25 years he was with me and I know they were still the best he had ever had because we had each other.

[feralfae]

Dear Annew,

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult and painful time with your grieving. I think we each experience many of the emotions you are feeling when we lose our spouse. 14 months can feel like a lifetime, and then again, it can feel like only a day has passed.

Have you seen a grief counselor? It might help you to reconcile yourself and ease your unearned feelings of guilt if you could spend some time talking about these feelings with someone who is trained to help you to understand and sort through your feelings. I think you are still in training for Hospice Volunteering, and I wonder if they have a grief counselor or grief support group which might help you. I can remember when it had been 14 months since Doug died, and how broken and deep in grief I was at that time. It felt overwhelming and my days so filled with pain that I wondered how anyone made it through grief so deep and long-lasting. As I approach the 36-month anniversary of losing my husband, I have learned a lot of patience, the pain has softened, and I have opened my heart enough to accept emotional support from others, as well as to begin to give a little emotional support when I feel strong enough to do so.

Be gentle and patient with yourself. Give to yourself the love you gave to your husband. Be as compassionate with yourself as you can. You deserve all the lovingkindness you can find, and sometimes, the hardest part is to open our broken hearts enough to begin to let in the healing compassion of others. I hope you are able to do that.

I hope you find some peace for your heart today, and I encourage you to write in your journal and give yourself time to meditate.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[annew]

Thank you, for your response Fae. I do have counseling, a support group and friends and family with me. I am not alone. The mornings are toughest still and like one of my greatest supports has said 14 months is not so long. I am glad to have a place here to to let the feelings out and let them be healed. I think I have a good support in place for all of what I am experiencing and I am able to offer support to others which I do in support groups in person and online.

Blessings,

AnneW

[enna]

Dear AnneW,

We each experience grief in our own way. I am glad that you reach out to others and have a good support group. I am only close to 32 months and it has been a long journey for me. I reflect on the past months and sometimes feel like it was yesterday.

One of the hardest things I have learned on this journey is to allow the pain. Months ago I thought my tears would never stop but later in my grief I found that they do. Tears still come but not as often. One of the things that challenge me still is when those "grief triggers" pop up out of nowhere. Yesterday I was doing some de-cluttering in the kitchen and as I was cleaning out the junk drawer I found a money clip that belonged to Jim. I lost it. I sat down and cried and cried and then got up and closed the junk drawer for another day. It's good to know that these times don't last long.

Anne

[R.Everit55]

AnneW and Anne....

I offer you both big gentle hugs...

❤️❤️

[shalady]

I also get the grief triggers. Sometimes they come on and I am not sure why. Last week my refrigerator went out. I seemed to be dealing with it and then one day I thought how Bob would have just taken care of it and I cried all morning. I have a little note he wrote me and I carry it in my purse. Sometimes when I come across it I just hold it tight in my hand and cry. I will never stop missing him. I think I would rather have it that way though. He was my everything. Coming here to read or share keeps me going. I tried to find a grief counselor but only found some groups that meet once a month. They were not for spouses but for those who lost children and some thru violence. I will call hospice again to see further. This is so difficult, I wish there was something I could tell you but you can just take your time, be patient and kind to yourself, take good care of yourself. Coming here helps me so much and I hope you will find some comfort as well. There are amazing folks here with big open hearts and open arms, you can just feel the hugs. They have sound advice, they are living thru the same sadness, they share and know our feelings. They help. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shalady

[annew]

It is my Angel's birthday, I miss his loving voice and arms so much....

[LadyCarrie]

May God hold you tenderly, and in a special way today. May He bring you comfort, strength, and stamina. I care that you are missing and yearning for your loved one's voice and arms (hardest of all losses to bear, I think).

Hugs, ❤️

Carrie

[feralfae]

Dear AnneW,

As you honor your heart on this special day, I hope that you can find special ways to honor your grief, your loss, and the Love you share with your beloved. I hope you will have time today to write in your journal, to sit peacefully with your memories of birthdays, and to feel your heart healing a bit more.

I find lighting a candle on special days, and giving myself time to sit and hold good memories is such a gift of peace and healing for me. I think we each have our own rituals to honor these days, and I hope you will have time for some of them today.

Blessings to you,

fae

[kayc]

As you think about your Love today and wish him a Happy Birthday in heaven, I hope you feel the reciprocation of his love surrounding you and in you and bringing you peace and comfort. They are still our Love no matter where they are or how much time lapses since we saw them last. With you in my thoughts today...

[shalady]

I am thinking of you on this special day of remembrance. I hope you find peace and comfort as you think of special times and of the love you shared. **hugs**

Shalady

[annew]

Hello everyone,

Now it's 15 months. Part of me just wants to sit and cry forever and part never wants to feel any of this pain again. Knowing my best friend is never coming back, what can I say? It comes down to just a few words--hurting, scared, lonely for him. Like a broken record, I can see how others get tired of hearing it, so I don't. I still cant believe this has happened, my heart cannot understand after 15 months. So I guess it's just all "too soon." In some ways, I am doing very well. But the heartbreak is always there; I struggle with understanding how this could be. People just evaporate? I haven't felt him around as much.....it feels more finished all the time. Like maybe he never existed in the first place.....maybe I just dreamed him all up and he was never really here. Maybe none of this really matters because nothing is going to bring him back.

[shalady]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I understand your feelings of despair at his not coming back. My husband is gone for months. I talk to him every day. I still can't believe my best friend, my true love is gone. It makes my stomach sick, my heart ache. I look at his picture and see him smiling and want to hear his voice just one more time. It is so hard. I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort.

***hugs***

Shalady

[annew]

After I wrote the last post, I realized I am feeling rather pissed actually. Sick of all this pain and heartache and lonely for him. I feel as though he left me and regardless of circumstances, he did. Feels wrong to say that but I am pissed off and tired, so tired of all this damn pain. I know he didn't want to be here anymore and that is fine, it really is his choice and I get that

, but all this suffering sucks. I feel so much like enough is enough.....and actually feeling angry is more real right now.

[annew]

Big hugs, Shalady. I see your pain and I am so sorry you are hurting so much.

You are doing just fine and you are never alone here.......and we always want to hear from

you. Thank you for hearing me and doing it so very well.....your heart is so very loving.

[kayc]

Annew,

This is the first time I have heard someone besides me express this same feeling, like we dreamed them up, like maybe they never really existed. I look up at his picture on the wall, no...there he was, I can see his birth certificate, marriage certificate, death certificate, "proof he existed", yet why is it that it all seems so surreal? Maybe because that time is so far removed from what my life is like now. Living alone doesn't seem any semblance of what our life together was like. No one to interact with, no one to hold me, no one to call and say "Hi Hun..." I miss him each and every day and have just had to learn to live with that. One year, ten years, it's still the same except I don't feel as scared and anxious as I did at first. I've learned how to "do my time" and even have some enjoyable times worked in there, time shared with kids or sisters or at the senior site...but nothing compares to "life before", nor will it. I try not to compare, it's a losing proposition. It's up to me to adjust and live with what is here now. The pain, for the most part is gone, so I guess in the last ten years somewhere I've gotten used to it and done a fair amount of adjusting, but then too, the pain has settled into a feeling deep inside of me...something I must carry. It's hard to put into words, but like a George shaped void, sort of sad, aware of what was and could have been but isn't...not quite pain, but never the same again either.

[annew]

This morning I could feel him within

and without so clearly, as though

nothing had really changed or

if it has,

it is better

and

it is

so

surprising.

Sorrow and joy

So much to feel.

[kayc]

I am so glad to hear that! I was despondent after my George died...it took me quite a while to figure out that he really hasn't left me, only the physical form, but our love continues and all I have to do is reach down inside of me and find his comfort and encouragement.

[feralfae]

I am glad too. How wonderful to be able to feel the Love and Spirit present around, within, and before you. It took a long time for me to simply accept that Doug was still here, and would be. I think that may be because it takes quite a while for our body's cells to sort out the physical loss, and only then do we feel and hear the gentle voice of Spirit, letting us know that all is well, that very little has changed, and that the Love continues.

[annew]

Kay and Feralfae.....I am so heartened to hear my words resonate with you. I wish this world was one in which our experiences were just a normal part of living and everyone got it. It's hard sometimes when talking to others who have clearly forgotten my circumstances. We are blessed to have each other and to know our loved Ones never leave....and that there can be joy and anguish in our hearts for their love.

[kayc]

[annew]

And what does come to me is it sometimes gets very tiring dealing with everyone else's fears when I have had so much to take care of with me..... Many are deeply triggered by the idea of losing a partner in particular and instead of dealing with themselves they project it onto those recently experiencing all that change. Think I have had enough of the unaware behavior.....and that's a great step!

[kayc]

A grief support group can be good as you are with others who truly get it and understand. It's okay to tell people how you feel, try not to let emotion affect delivery though, it's easy to let anger come across, and anger is understandable and justified, but it helps to meet the person at a place they can receive what your message is...that you feel abandoned and would appreciate their being there for you...not enough just to say that though, it helps to let them know HOW they can be there for you. People can be really clueless!

[annew]

Kay, thank you. I know we all get it....venting here so that others who may or may not mean so well don't get hurt. Thanks for hearing me.