Its Lonely Here

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

Its been quiet here on this site. Too quiet. Just like my home since Larry died. I think about all of you and wonder what you might be doing, are you wandering around your house seeing memories flash before your eyes, are you sitting staring into space trying to figure out what has happened, do you want to go to sleep just to speed this process up and pray another day might bring less pain, less agony. I bought a new bedspread. Ours was a constant reminder of Larry's last days so ill. I felt guilty and ashamed to make the change. It sat in the bag for days. I have put it on the bed but try not to even look. I try not to think, feel, remember, it just hurts. I can't deal with the present and of course I can't dare look forward without him. The dreams are gone.

[kayc]

I am sorry you have felt lonely here...I haven't been able to use my computer as much lately, my daughter and her friend are living with me now whereas I used to have the place to myself...so I find myself not being on line all week and then reading eveything at once and catching up. Of course it's not the same as getting to touch base every day. That is so important and helpful in our grief. I need to try to get on line more often. We are here and we do understand. Sometimes we read and don't write anything, but we're here all the same. A lot of times I read everyone's postings on my lunch break at work but don't have enough time to reply until later. But rest assured, we're here. We are going through this together, and that is a huge encouragement and source of strength.

[Dusky]

Hi Deborah,

Your right it has been quiet on here lately. I have to confess sometimes I go on here and do some reading and don’t reply – at least not right away – just like kayc stated. I believe that has something to do with the whole grief process, as there are times I simply do not have the energy to do more then read – and then I get this burst of energy and begin to write. Seems like I have to be in just the right mood to put “Pen to Paper” or Fingers to Keyboard”. Anyway I did want you to know that I am always here to listen – even though I may not always respond or make a posting - AND please feel free to drop me an e-mail anytime you wish – duskyjj@cox.net.

As for your message I certainly can relate – it seems like I spend a lot of time wandering around this house with memories flying all about. The mornings for me are especially hard – it seems like I begin almost every day in tears. It was the morning time when Jack was ill that were the most difficult for us – so I believe that it now a reminder of a lot of pain. The intense emotions of care giving seem to re-visit me each day – and there I am in tears. What seems an unbearable care giving situation then I would gladly have back compared to this pain of grief. Seems I spend a lot of time living in the past – and not the “Present Moment” – that Jack was so good at. One of these days I’ll be able to apply this life lesson he had for me and live in the NOW. Grief is just making that goal a little hard for the moment – but I know it is my eventual goal to live my life like Jack – One Moment at a time.

I too seem to shy away from making any changes in the house – thinking that to do so would not be the right thing to do. Funny how our mind works – but I’d bet that our loved one would be the first one to tell us to put away those old painful reminders and do something (buy something) that would make us happy. I guess the bottom line is that the last thing our loved ones would want is for us to be sad – they would want us to be happy. So you did the right thing with the comforter. I wish I knew how to incorporate all the new things that will eventually enter my life and “brand” them with the essence and “approval” of the man I loved so dearly. Perhaps since in many ways “they” still live in us – the selections of material items are most certainly a reflections of what would have been chosen had your Larry been with you to buy that comforter. I bet it looks great in the room and he would have liked it too. I feel his “brand” of “approval”.

I hope your day is as good as it can be – Please take care and know I am always here to listen.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[SusanY]

Dusky, this is not on topic for this particular posting, but I just wanted to let you know that your postings have made a difference for me two mornings in a row. I am new to the board and have been looking for ways of coping with the loss of my husband. Your insights were healing, as much as anything can be this early on, and helped me to understand a bit of the process.

You might no longer actively be involved with your loved one, but by sharing your experiences, you are contributing to the world and to others left behind in his honor. Thank you.

[Dusky]

Susan,

Thank you for your kind words. I have found that when there is nothing else I can do to change what has happened - at least by helping others and sharing my deepest thoughts and feeling - I add some layer of healing to my own scar.

Love and peace to you,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[lisamcclellan]

Dusky:

Thank you for your thoughtful insights. My 38 year old husband died December 7, 2005 - just 70 days after being diagnosed with stage IV gastric cancer. Life is unbelievably difficult and my grief immeasurable. I have never loved a person so deeply, so unconditionally, so immensely as I loved (and still love) him. We often told each other we couldn't imagine living without each other. Now I am here living the unimaginable.

It is helpful to know that others not only make it through the grief process, but come out with something - some energy, some thought, some thing of value. It is helpful because right now I see no value in anything.

Thank you for spending the time to write.

Lisa

[Frank]

Lisa,

I agree with and understand what you are feeling. My story for a little background: My wife(40)died of a massive heart attact 07 Dec 2005, 3 days after we had a major house fire. I had been working pretty much constantly from 01 Dec and finally got home about noon on 06 Dec. We met with the insurance adjuster, ran some errands, then headed back to our motel after we picked her 11 yr old son from school. We ate some pizza, and I went to sleep about 9 (hadn't had much sleep over the past 6 days), she turned to TV off about 1130, woke me up, we kissed and hugged, and both went to sleep. When the alarm when off in the morning she was dead, and had been for a while. I about freaked out, want to blame myself for being to tired to know something went wrong. And worst of all her son was right there to see it also.

Now I am just a wreck, a train wreck even. Have spent weeks just spinning my wheels, did go to MI to visit my family for about 10 days, that helped while I was there, although now that I am back in west TX, alone, some days are really hard. I try to keep busy, and some days I can get things done. Other days I can hardly force myself to do anything. Have gone to some company sponsored grief counseling, which has helped somewhat. I walk alot, talking to the air and keep trying to find a direction, and sometimes that helps me.

Anyway, I just pray that I can get through all this. Doing it alone is rough.

Frank

[FUNNYFACE]

After reading all of your posts, mine seems kind of petty......I am about to sort and dispose of things in the house that I grew up in and then sell the house....Father died 3/05 and Mother in 9/05. I am a only child ..and they have not lived in the house for 5 years...have had a care taker living there, and I have known that this day would come but now it is HERE. I was so proud of myself that I have made it through the holidays, my husband's heart stent procedure last week but now comes probably the hardest part.

It will be very very hard to throw out their lives together....things that ment so much to them will be gone, just like the people that lived there and owned these things are gone.....

Just like buying new bedspreads etc. have to be done to go on , so this has to be too.....I do think that it will help to get on with this and then I will be able to heal....Now I know that is waiting for me to do and I keep putting it off.

I guess I am just rambling, and I don't mean to.....this site has been my saving grace because somethings I can't even discuss with my husband....he didn't have the kind of family that I have been lucky enough to have and I don't feel that he understands......THANKS for being here....

[Mike]

Hang in there! If you need to talk sometime, just drop me a line. I can be reached at flyingpuck@yahoo.com.

Mike

Its been quiet here on this site. Too quiet. Just like my home since Larry died. I think about all of you and wonder what you might be doing, are you wandering around your house seeing memories flash before your eyes, are you sitting staring into space trying to figure out what has happened, do you want to go to sleep just to speed this process up and pray another day might bring less pain, less agony. I bought a new bedspread. Ours was a constant reminder of Larry's last days so ill. I felt guilty and ashamed to make the change. It sat in the bag for days. I have put it on the bed but try not to even look. I try not to think, feel, remember, it just hurts. I can't deal with the present and of course I can't dare look forward without him. The dreams are gone.

[kayc]

Wow, you are all going through so much. I want to be there for you, any of you, and if things ever get "lonely" when people aren't posting, please feel free to email me, I check my email daily huntley9@netzero.net

All of your postings have been a lifesaver to me and I find when someone is gone for a few days, I miss them. Please, all of you, stay in touch.

[Suze]

I am new here, but have read some of the messages. I am living one day at a time. Some of the little things now seem like major tasks. I go through phases, as well. For instance there are times when I can barely stand to be in some rooms in the house. They are not necessarily ones that Bud used the most. I also cannot write any thank you notes, and it has been three and a half months.

I also know I want to be able to have friends, but much of the things that That old friends do does not appeal to me. Sometimes I make myself just keep busy.

Suze

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

To Dusky, Walt, KayC and all those who have come here before me and shared their pain, I thank you. I look to you for strength while I have none.

To LisaM, We must be in similar places as your words are my words and I am sorry that anyone else has to feel this. Tomorrow, Larry will have been gone 2 months. Two months?? My heart sinks, how much longer? I just can't bear the thoughts. He was only 49, how can this be? We were waiting for a transplant and he got robbed of his life. The fighter in me, the one who researched constantly, pleaded with doctors on a daily basis to do something, who lived on adrenanlin to make sure I saved him. I want to start changing the system, filing a lawsuit, something to make it feel like the fight is not over. My body screams at me, no, not now, I'm just too tired. But my heart says you can't stop, you have to do something about this. This must be what insanity feels like, or perhaps being insane is not THIS painful. I want to be able to help someone on this site but I just don't have what it takes yet. I'm so sorry.

[Suze]

Frank,

I know what you are feeling. I was married to Bud for 29, almost 30 years. He was several years older than me and I always worried about him. However, hewas not ill. He was in fact feeling pretty good as our daughter had just finished law school and we had successfully refinanced our house, afer the law school bills, etc. Anyway I woke him up in his chair where he was watching TV. He went into bed as usual, kiseed me good ight and we both fell asleep. He got up about midnight and I asked him if he was okay, he said yes, it was hot in the house. I didn't worry as it is often warm for me. He went and got a cup of coffee and a cigarette, a normal routine for him as he would often get up and have a smoke and come back to bed. This time I heard him call out and he said he couldn't catch his breath. I asked if I should call 911 and he said yes. While I was on the phone I was yelling for him to breath and said I love you. His eyes said everything in that instant. Right after that I lost him. This was in the space of an hour by the time I went to the hospital. Now my daughter is falling apart and I am trying to keep things going. My heart goes out to you!!

Suze

[kayc]

It is so horrible...we just keep replaying everything in our minds, over and over...it doesn't stop. It's been seven months for me. Today at church the pastor showed a film he'd made of 2005 "events" and there was George and I, over and over, at the Valentine Banquet, at everything throughout the year...up until June when he died. He'd just had his 51st birthday. I sat there and cried and cried, seeing the pictures of my husband and I together, so happy, so in love, always attentive to each other, holding hands, our heads together...it was more than I could bear and I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking, I want my husband back.

[PattiR]

It is so horrible...we just keep replaying everything in our minds, over and over...it doesn't stop. It's been seven months for me. Today at church the pastor showed a film he'd made of 2005 "events" and there was George and I, over and over, at the Valentine Banquet, at everything throughout the year...up until June when he died. He'd just had his 51st birthday. I sat there and cried and cried, seeing the pictures of my husband and I together, so happy, so in love, always attentive to each other, holding hands, our heads together...it was more than I could bear and I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking, I want my husband back.

Yeah, the replaying can be a nightmare...the waking up at 3 a.m. in tears is gut wrenching, agonizing. I never cried much till this happened and I don't know how to handle it. Everything is just so overwhemling. I'm working with a clinical psychologist and she keeps telling me to just roll with the tears and things will get better. Yeah, right. Yesterday was a month since my Ed died and it seems that the longer this goes on the worse it gets. All I want is him back and life to go back to normal--our marriage to have taken place, get his two teenage daughters started off in life properly, trailering his Harley to Key West this summer as we had planned, etc. etc etc. Now everything is gone...kaput. I had a friend of mine tell me that I just have to get back to living life as it was before him and that made me ill. Life before this man coming in the proverbial door was miserable and it was so long in coming. Ed looked past my having had polio as a child, vaccine failure in '60, and treated me with such a protectiveness and dignity that I'd never experienced in either of my two prior marriages. All I do is ask "WHY?" and "haven't I had enough bad things in my life to now face his loss?" I know that I should be grateful for having had Ed in my life, but dammit, I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years on my own without him. One person, though imperfect in many ways, did make such a difference for someone like me. I asked for an extraordinary man to want to just live an ordinary life, and I got him, but now it is all gone....everything is gone. I rattle around this house during the day in tears...his family has totally dismissed me. Everyone says hang on to the memories of what was good and that will get you through. Well, it was what was so bloody wonderful that I mourn for...it was all good. Yes, I'm scared of facing a life without him as I have no where to go and no one to go to...I'm an orphan in this world and this one man, Ed, filled so many horrible voids that are now back multiplied many times over. Sorry for my rambling on...just having a very, very bad day with the memories and looking at a very bleak future.

[charlieslove]

Wow! I can't believe all the people that have come here new these last few days. It's so horrible that any of us are having to endure our lives alone. Not being with the person we loved/love so dearly!!

Today marks my 14th month without my beloved husband. It stuns me that I've even made it this long without him. My heart truly goes out to all of you!!! I've been in your shoes and believe it or not(and I know you don't believe it right now), time does make a difference. If you can just get through the days....things will seem easier. You won't like it any more than you do now, BUT it will seem easier.

I remember my first few months - all I did was walk around in a cloud. He passed away right before Thanksgiving, so the holidays are just a BLUR!! Sometimes I wish I was still in shock because NOW is such a reality!

We are all here for you. As others have said, sometimes I just don't have anything to say BUT I read the posts every day.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. My thoughts are with you.

If any of you from Arizona are interested, we have a grief get together this coming Sat. (it's only lunch and chatting...) at the Applebee's at Central and Camelback at 1pm. EVERYONE IS INVITED!! At the present, it's a small group, but we'd like to make it bigger!! There will be plenty of hugs for all of you!!!!!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/14/2004: I love you Dear!!)

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I'm so sorry Patti. Before I met Larry my life had been miserable. With his acceptance and support I grew and began living again. We were inseperable and enjoyed everything together. We had everything in common and practically finished each others sentences. I get upset thinking I have to start a life all over again without him. I don't want to. I don't want to even think about it. And yet the rest of the world is moving on, getting on with their lives, not realizing that for some of us, it's just not posibble. Today he has been gone two months, its just not real.

[jmr]

All I do is ask "WHY?" and "haven't I had enough bad things in my life to now face his loss?" I know that I should be grateful for having had Ed in my life, but dammit, I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years on my own without him. One person, though imperfect in many ways, did make such a difference for someone like me. I asked for an extraordinary man to want to just live an ordinary life, and I got him, but now it is all gone....everything is gone. I rattle around this house during the day in tears...his family has totally dismissed me. Everyone says hang on to the memories of what was good and that will get you through. Well, it was what was so bloody wonderful that I mourn for...it was all good. Yes, I'm scared of facing a life without him as I have no where to go and no one to go to...I'm an orphan in this world and this one man, Ed, filled so many horrible voids that are now back multiplied many times over. Sorry for my rambling on...just having a very, very bad day with the memories and looking at a very bleak future.

Wow, Patti your above note almost sounds like I typed it. I am so sorry that you have to go through this walk without your Ed. I too have wondered why, and have thought about the lonely 20-30 years on my own. And yes, the memories.... they were the good times and now they feel like the best times I will ever have. I was with my husband, Guy for 29 years. He suffered a major stroke last January and passed away on Feb 9, 2005. He was 15 years older than me, but often I teased him that he acted like he was 5 years old. He was full of life and excitement. I experienced things with him that I never dreamed of. He was always so robust that I often told him that he would outlive me. And his answer was always "I hope not, I couldn't live without you, it has to be the other way you are stronger". Most times I don't feel strong. I think why did I get diagnosed with MS, have to leave my job of 20 years because of my health and lose my husband/caregiver/love of my life all in one year. All I can tell you is there is NEVER an answer as to why. You just have to plod along, the best you can, one day at a time. Some steps are just little ones forward, alot are backward jumps, quite a few are diversions - there are days, I don't even know how I got through. It is not easy, and certainly not what you expected or wanted. Yesterday was a bad day for me, but after I got on this site and read how others feel I didn't feel so alone. You are not alone keep in touch with all on this site (esp me) we are all this together.

Try to be gentle with yourself.

Judi (jmr on this site)

[Guest Chris Conrad]

My wife deserted me after nearly 30 years. She betrayed me, left a message she would never see me again and drew out our life savings.

I used to be a very "religious" person. Since the pain, I have been mad at God for allowing this to happen. Why would the almighty "allow" my world to be crushed and destroyed.

Feeling deserted,

Chris

[kayc]

Chris,

I am so sorry. Your loss is very great and grievous. It is very normal and natural to blame God or be angry at Him for something that came in to your life unbidden. I felt the same way when my husband passed away. But I know it's not really God that caused it to happen...we live in a fallen world (to oversimplify) where people's own natures reign and it affects all of us. It was your wife's decision, not God's. He doesn't control us like puppets, He gives us freedom to choose, but freedom comes with a price and this is part of that. It doesn't always work out like this, some people can trust their spouse and have happy endings...others...well they get hit. Life is just unfair. You may not be able to control what enters your life, but you can choose to control your responses to it. Try to let it shape and mold you in positive ways, not negative ones...you may not be ready yet, but when you are, you'll know you are at that crossroad.

We are here for you. Voice your feeligs and know they are okay to feel.

[Guest Guest]

To Dusky, Walt, KayC and all those who have come here before me and shared their pain, I thank you. I look to you for strength while I have none.

To LisaM, We must be in similar places as your words are my words and I am sorry that anyone else has to feel this. Tomorrow, Larry will have been gone 2 months. Two months?? My heart sinks, how much longer? I just can't bear the thoughts. He was only 49, how can this be? We were waiting for a transplant and he got robbed of his life. The fighter in me, the one who researched constantly, pleaded with doctors on a daily basis to do something, who lived on adrenanlin to make sure I saved him. I want to start changing the system, filing a lawsuit, something to make it feel like the fight is not over. My body screams at me, no, not now, I'm just too tired. But my heart says you can't stop, you have to do something about this. This must be what insanity feels like, or perhaps being insane is not THIS painful. I want to be able to help someone on this site but I just don't have what it takes yet. I'm so sorry.

you helped me. Neil died one month ago. 59 years old. waiting for a transplant. what you said about the fighter--researching, pleading, that was me too--now I can't even lash together a decent memorial service. this is my first time online. just seeing the word transplant helped me. thank you Ping

[kayc]

Your husband died waiting for a transplant? I realize that is what my husband needed to survive...but he never even got to make it to a waiting list. They scheduled him for a five bypass heart surgery, but I realize he never would have survived it because he'd already sustained severe heart damage from previous heart attacks, we just hadn't known that's what had happened. It was too late...he couldn't even make it to surgery, let alone survive it. If he was to live he would have needed a new heart. Why did they let the sweetest man that ever lived, die? If they'd only known him! If they'd have known him they'd have moved heaven and earth to save his life. Instead it was only me and his friends and my family that were to know his huge worth and miss him and grieve for him. What a loss to the world.

[Guest Guest_Vivian_*]

Its been quiet here on this site. Too quiet. Just like my home since Larry died. I think about all of you and wonder what you might be doing, are you wandering around your house seeing memories flash before your eyes, are you sitting staring into space trying to figure out what has happened, do you want to go to sleep just to speed this process up and pray another day might bring less pain, less agony. I bought a new bedspread. Ours was a constant reminder of Larry's last days so ill. I felt guilty and ashamed to make the change. It sat in the bag for days. I have put it on the bed but try not to even look. I try not to think, feel, remember, it just hurts. I can't deal with the present and of course I can't dare look forward without him. The dreams are gone.

[Guest Guest_Vivian_*]

Deborah: You wrote about Larry and the feelings of guilt that you still feel when I shared my feelings about my husband Rick. (Rick was young as well, 54, and I still cringe at words such as "late husband", widow, passed away. My sister, ironically, lost her husband 3 years ago (what are the odds?) and she tells me that she moves forward but the pain is always there. I think it's good that you vent your anger about Larry's not having received a transplant...anger is a much better emotion to deal with than dispair. Know that I feel for you. Vivian

[kayc]

I am late replying, I haven't been able to be on line lately, too much stuff going on, but I've felt the need and the lack. I know what you mean about the bedding...it is painful to deal with all of that stuff. I am STILL going through it after ten months! The trailer we bought together...everything, there's memories everywhere, and it seems like it's getting harder for me, not easier. I cry and the pain never leaves...