Comforting

[Froggie4635]

Why is it that when I think about getting comforted by someone, I begin to cry. I have not seen any of my family since Mark died, except the day of his service. My cousin is coming to visit this Friday, and anticipating a hug of comfort from her, I feel ready to cry. She is the closest thing I have to a mother figure right now. But even reading words of comfort bring tears to my eyes. Have I possibly not had the right amount of comforting? Am I too over emotional?

[MartyT]

My dear Maryann, my thinking about crying is this: Those tears are there for a reason, and the best way to deal with them is to let them come. It takes more energy to hold them in than to let them come. They serve an important purpose, and if you feel like crying it's because your body needs to cry. Let those tears come! I've a feeling that your cousin will understand.

There is no such thing as being "too over emotional" ~ most especially when you are grieving! If this cousin is the closest thing you have to a mother figure, then you probably associate her with the sort of mothering and comfort you're feeling a need for right now ~ the kind you used to obtain from your beloved. Knowing that you need comfort and that you must obtain that comfort from someone other than Mark is in itself enough to make you feel sad, is it not?

There is nothing wrong with feeling sad and feeling a need for comfort, Maryann. That is one of the reasons this very site exists: "to offer information, comfort and support." We ALL need comfort when we are in mourning and coping with sorrow. How much comfort is enough? As much as we can get ~ and then some. ♥

[annew]

Hugs make me cry too, Froggie. I am not too emotional.

[kayc]

Maryanne,

I think the least bit of emotional interaction sets us off because we're like a storm brewing, any little thing can set it off. When you'e barely holding it together, it doesn't take much to set it off! Like Marty said, let it come.

[Suitearia]

Maryanne,

I think the least bit of emotional interaction sets us off because we're like a storm brewing, any little thing can set it off. When you'e barely holding it together, it doesn't take much to set it off! Like Marty said, let it come.

KayC ... I read your words that above, and also took them for me. I never thought of our emotions like "a storm brewing" and any little thing can set us off (either in a positive direction or negative one). There is a difficult path that we are walking.

I am thankful that other people that are still new in their grief share so much of themselves because often it mirrors what I'm feeling and I don't feel so alone. And it seems to give me permission to share my thoughts and feelings when I feel like I've gone over the edge ....

I am alone in South Florida and it surprized me how much it meant to have someone who knew both Ric and I from many years back just be with me for a few short hours, and who wanted to hear our journey. I'm glad, Maryann, that your cousin, who is so emotionally connected with you, will be coming to visit and share your burden if just for a few hours.

[feralfae]

Dear Maryann,

I think that as well, when our hearts are so broken and empty that all we can feel is the pain, that almost any gesture of loving compassion and caring resonates through us like a bell being rung. When we feel entirely bereft and alone, and often feel beyond the reach of understanding, even the simplest gesture of loving support, compassion, and empathy will awaken our hearts to the loss we have suffered, because we are made to feel again.

It is easier to be numb in our grief. When Doug died, I walked around for months. barely functioning, but simply using my energy to push through the pain and find a way to make it through each day. It was merely survival. When people comforted me, it opened my heart and forced me to feel again. And when the feeling came, so did the tears.

It still comforts me when I am with someone who knew Doug and me from years back. It helps to validate my memories, makes me feel connected to the world again in a way that I don't a lot of the time, and affirms the love I still have for my husband. These visits from caring people, whether friends or family, help us to validate where we are in our grief and remind us that while our Beloved may be gone, and the marriage may be over, we can still hold and cherish that life and love, and that it will always be in our hearts.

More than anything, having caring people around helped me to stumble my way through the fog of grief for the first year or longer, and helped me to remember that I was still a living person, even if Doug, my other half of my life, was no longer walking next to me in this physical space.

I often thing we are sent the people we need to have around us for comfort. I have had the best grief counselor who had lost her husband just two years before I lost mine. She was incredibly understanding and helpful. I think it is very healthy to gather around us people who can listen to our journey, share our memories, and understand and accept our grief. There is healing there.

I hope the visit goes well, and that the comforting presence of a loving cousin is healing for your heart.

Blessings

fae

[Froggie4635]

The visit was actually back in April,but it helped me to be around someone who has known me my entire life, and who was also present at the beginning of my life with Mark as husband and wife. Since my trip last week to Eugene, I have not so much been focused on my grief, but on the experience that brought me comfort. I know this spiritual high I have will eventually face the grief of my loss and the absence of my beloved Mark.

[kayc]

[feralfae]

And we can all tell I do not read dates. I am slowly catching up here, just a bit. We see how slowly.

How wonderful to have that spiritual high though, and I hope you be able to hold on to it for a long time. It is those wonderful feelings that help to fill the places of emptiness in the heart, I think.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Froggie4635]

My experience in Eugene is as close as I could come to "touching" Mark again, and I hold it so close to me. I feel truly blessed to have had such a wonderful love story, and my dear beloved did what he could to take it to another level. Who else could have put a 20 foot tall rooster right outside my window? I never asked God why Mark was taken, why I had to bear this terrible hurt and feel like my life would never be the same. But I know that God blessed me with Mark, and I know Mark's soul was the driving force behind what I experienced. I know that he was the love of my life, and that love was so completely unconditional, blessed by God. It hurts to not have Mark physically here each day; but I can try and help the pain pass by remembering what he did for me. And when I a stronger, and ready to help others walk their journey, I promise to give it everything I can.

[MartyT]

Maryann, my dear, you're already helping others to walk their journey, as you share so openly your own experiences and reactions with all of us. We are grateful for your presence. ♥