Goodbye, Urdwill

[rand64]

I said goodbye to my cat of 13 years, Urdwill, at the pet hospital this morning. He had multiple cancer tumors and I did not want him to have to go through invasive surgery. Yesterday when I visited him for an hour, he mewed, we cuddled, he rubbed his cheek against mine, and he fell asleep with his head on my hand. Today he acted as though I was a stranger, and simply stared fixedly ahead of him, as though he saw something we could not. The very kind and sensitive vet gave him an injection of medicine that made him sleep, then the killing dose; his passing was immediate, peaceful, and pain-free, as I had prayed it would be.

I've been up since around 3am and I am so exhausted I can barely function, even though it is only 4pm here in Santa Fe, NM now. We had a wonderful 13 years together, Urdwill and I, and he was the last of my animals to pass away (I had 2 dogs before him and 2 dogs after I got him, all of whom are now dead). I must focus on what we had, not his last moments. But the child in me feels that somehow Urdwill got sick and died because I did not do something for him that I should have. And I feel as though I've been disemboweled.

My heart goes out to all of you who are mourning a pet. Non-petlovers don't understand what it is like, how strong and deep the bond can be between human and pet. My body misses Urdwill--misses touching him, stroking his fur, feeling his weight on my lap and in my arms, hearing his loud purr and feeling the vibration of it. Often he would climb into bed with me, and his furry butt would push up against my side, keeping me warm. (And next morning he would have somehow managed to completely take over the middle of the bed, pushing me to the very margins!)

I refuse to be ashamed of my grief. I love you, Urdwill. Goodbye, sweet boy.

[kayc]

What a beautiful cat, I am so sorry you are without him now. It is so hard to lose our animals (I have a dog and two cats but have lost many animals over the years). I lost my cat King George nine years ago, he had cancer so I had him put to sleep so he wouldn't suffer any more. It's common to feel we did something wrong, but the truth is, they don't live as long as we'd like them to and we do lose them and it's really hard.

You'll be missing him for some time, I'm glad you aren't ashamed of your grief, how can we not grieve when we've lost our dear companion?

[Guest]

Hello Rand64,

The first time I met a coworker of mine he showed me pictures of 3 cats. He said 'I still have this one, but the other two died last year.' It struck me funny at first, mourning cats. A few days later I lost my youngest son. Now when I show pictures of my kids I find myself repeating the same 'We have these 6, and these are the two we've lost' ... It's not a comparison, but I know that his grief is very similar to mine as he loved those cats enough to carry pictures and talk about them. I sketch pictures of my pets when they are with me. Well, I used to. I haven't drawn in a long while. I am so sorry for your loss. Those little mind reading pets of ours tend to keep us grounded when sick or sad don't they.

Next month our local Painting with a Twist franchise (do you have one near?) is having a 'paint your pet' class. The artist/teacher sketches a pictures of your pet from a photo onto your canvas then walks you through painting it. I might try it to remember my little Corky the Corgi. Or maybe my current weenie dog Maggie Mae. Both are adorable. Maybe I'll do it twice.

Peace be with you Rand.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Urdwill, my friend. Thirteen years is a long time ~ and I know that twice or three times that length of time wouldn't be enough. You've found a safe place here to share your pain. We've all been where you are now, and we know how much this hurts.

As it happens, I've just finished reading a new book by Deborah Barnes entitled Purr Prints of the Heart: A Cat's Tale of Life, Death, and Beyond. It's quite a good read, as the story is written in the voice of the author's cat, Mr. Jazz, and it includes a Guide to Coping with Pet Loss section that you may find helpful in healing your broken heart. If you click on the title, you can read Amazon's description and reviews.

[kayc]

BTW, my Miss Mocha sidles up to me at night too, pushing on me, not giving me enough room until sometimes I have to move her back.

[LadyCarrie]

Rand64,

You expressed your great and special love and relationship with Urdwill well, so like many others here, I understand the awful pain you are suffering. A cat lover will comprehend your description of Urdwill's bodily presence with you -- his purring and the vibration of it. It seems our fur babies think they must have their share of our bed, and our share as well. A Dachshund's hind legs are only about an inch and a half long, but can produce a powerful wallop when one wants a little more of the room we mistakenly thought was ours. They can kick like a little donkey, which comes as a big surprise when we are off in dreamland.

Your Urdwill was/is (he lives in your heart and mind) a beautiful cat with an unusual name. I don't believe I've ever met an Urdwill before. I'm very much a cat person, but we can no longer have a cat, because my husband became allergic to them. Rather than cats, we have three Doxies (one lives only in my heart and mind).

I am so sorry you are hurting.

Carrie

[Deborah Barnes]

Such a heartfelt post and I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to your beloved Urdwill, but ultimately your strength and bravery to let him go rather than see him suffer was the greatest gift you could have given him. As you said, you have your precious memories to hold dear to your heart and no one can ever take that away from you.

I also wanted to thank Marty T for recommending my book, Purr Print of the Heart - A Cat's Tale of Life, Death, and Beyond with you. One day, when the time is right for you, I do hope you will consider reading it. I think you will find the warm and wise voice of my cat, Mr. Jazz, who "wrote" the story very comforting. He teaches us many lessons and certainly echos your sentiment that the bond between a pet and human to be one that is irrevocable.

Peace, love, and purrs to you.

Deb Barnes

[kayc]

Deb,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like a book that would interest my daughter...

[Maylissa]

And I feel as though I've been disemboweled.

And next morning he would have somehow managed to completely take over the middle of the bed, pushing me to the very margins!

I refuse to be ashamed of my grief.

Dear Rand64,

Your expression of how it feels is so touching and apt, and echoes how I, too, felt upon losing each of my furbabies. And your beautiful Urdwill looks much like my own fur-son, Sabin [in my avatar], and who also transitioned at age 13, that your post viscerally ripped at my heart, even all these many years later.

Like your Urdwill, our boy would also take over the whole bed at times, stretching out horizontally in between me and my husband. But we never minded at all, and in fact, it was the RULE OF FELINE LAW in our home that you would defer to such things, and happily! This was so ingrained in us that one time, Sabin actually managed to push my husband right over the edge and out of bed onto the floor! I never laughed so blasted hard....though, naturally, my poor husband wasn't very pleased.

When I first read the last statement I've quoted you on here, I felt such kinship, I could have kissed you outright. As far as I'm concerned, that is the right and purrfect attitude to take in your grief over your boy. Urdwill would be SO proud and honoured by that, I'm positive! What a wise person he chose to give his love to.

Like you, I have no more beloved animals here to love in my life, and it is the emptiest, most desolate feeling in the world to me. So my heart goes out to you in extra measure.

You did Urdwill loving service by allowing him to return to spirit when he let you know he was ready to go onto his continuing journey. I highly suspect that when he was staring "fixedly," "as though he saw something we could not," he may have been seeing other loved ones who went before him, who were waiting to guide him Home, just as what we know happens with humans. I'm sure he's in loving hands/paws and good company for now, just awaiting your eventual reunion together. I hope you can know that the love and relationship you shared will never die, no matter how painful this is right now. Bless you both.

Although mine can't at all match the ones Urdwill gave you, I send you many heartfelt purrs in your sorrow,

Maylissa

[Maylissa]

Yes, thanks to Marty and Deb for letting us know of this new book. Always wonderful to see more of those being written. I'm debating whether I dare read it, since so many such books leave me blubbering for days on end.

To that end, if I may ask you, Deb...in reading the reviews and description, one reviewer said, "...from kitten hood, and into the after-life," so I'm wondering if you had actually had an experience from/with your dear Mr. Jazz, after his transition?

[Deborah Barnes]

Dear kayc -

Thank you for your interest in my book, Purr Prints of the Heart. A friend of mine just gave it to his daughter who recently lost a beloved pet cat and she found the book to be of great help. You can always order it off of Amazon, but if you are from the U.S. and would like a more personalized presentation with a tribute autograph and custom bookmark, you can email me directly at info@zzppublishing for details.

Purrs and hugs to you...

[Deborah Barnes]

Dear Maylissa -

Thank you for sharing your story and your question to me regarding Mr. Jazz and the after-life. I have had many, many cats (and other assorted pets) in the course of my 50 plus years of life and Mr. Jazz is the only one to ever come to me after his transition. It was quite an experience for me and I share it in detail in the book. The sightings have lessened in time, but I still sense his presence around me on occassion and I take great comfort from them. As far as finding the book hard for you to read, I can't lie and say it won't be difficult at times. It will. Writing it was very hard for me, but eventually the pain was replaced with a sense of great peace and comfort and it was very cathartic for me.

I just got a review on Amazon that I think will answer your question if you should read the book or not. It is from someone who recently had to cross her cat over the Bridge - she read the book and her review sums up exactly why I decided to write the book:

"I bought this book when it was recommended to me just a couple weeks after the loss of my beloved kitty Taz. I have to admit, my loss was recent, the hurting so fresh that I didn't make it past the second sentence of Mr. Jazz's foreward! But healing is a process and much like continuing therapy, I soon kept reading and found myself absorbed in the life of Mr. Jazz.

Whether you've had a pet, wanted a pet, lost a pet or are about to lose a pet, every reader will find something to cherish in the life story as told by Mr. Jazz himself.

As a reader who has recently "helped a cat to Rainbow Bridge" I found it comforting to view the experience through the eyes of a cat. I found so many similarities to my situation and though I had to go through the book slowly and often had to put it away for a time because the pain was too raw, it was definitely beneficial in the healing process. Having never dealt with the long illness and eventual loss of a pet, it was comforting to read another "person's" experiences. It was like a warm blanket that I clutched, at times and cried - for me, for my beloved Taz, for Mr. Jazz and for Deborah and her entire family.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who is having difficulty dealing with the illness or loss of their beloved pet. And for anyone looking for a warm, fuzzy story filled with a short lifetime of happiness, sadness and all of life's ups and downs and experiences, through the eyes of a cat of course, this is a wonderful book.

In her writing, Deborah Barnes shares the knowledge she has gained through the lives and experiences of the many pets she has loved and lost. Her writing is unique and uplifting. I'm looking forward to ordering "The Chronicles of Zee & Zoey" and would buy anything Deborah writes in the future!

Great book! 5 stars by me.

Thanks Deborah for helping to heal my heart, one tiny paw print at a time..."

I hope this answered your questions and your response to rand64 was absolutely beautiful...

[Maylissa]

Thanks very much, Deb, for answering to my question, and for being so honest about it. As soon as you mentioned actual "sightings," my heart skipped a beat and I got really intrigued(!)....ADCs that are right up my alley, even though, sadly, I've never had a "visual" kind myself, but plenty of other types, including tactile and auditory. I really, really want to read all about those experiences of yours now! But I'm still leary of how much revisited pain the rest might cause me, considering just reading this newer review already had me in tears, remembering my own, painful journeys with my furson and furdaughter, plus my current grief over 2 other catties (not legally mine) who were taken away from me a few months ago.

I can just imagine how very difficult (yet, yes, cathartic) it must have been for you to write this book, having envisioned writing my own one fine day, but always getting stuck in the anguish before I can even begin. I also then imagine I'd be much like this reviewer....2 lines in, and bursting into tears straight away! So I'm still debating how to best take care of my extra-sensitive heart. Maybe I'll get the Kindle version and see if I can handle it, one tentative line at a time, or get someone else to sample it for me first, putting it on the back-burner if necessary.

Again, thanks so much for your help, Deb, and I wish you every success in your writing career, and with whatever fur-family you may still be blessed with.

[Marj37]

I totally understand 100% how our bodies can miss our companion kitty.

I miss mine also.

And all your words aboslutely resonate. i was happy to find your words

as I've been feeling much the same since I let my Gb go on the 27th.

love his name and he is beautiful still in your mind and in the photo.

Marj37

[Deborah Barnes]

Maylissa - It truly is a one foot in front of the other moment. Only you will know if, when, and what you are able to accept and I understand that. I have been able to make peace with Jazz crossing the Bridge, but I have also experienced the sudden and unexpected deaths of one of my other cats and I am not certain when I will ever fully be able to reconcile the anger, pain, deep loss, and confusion I feel. Every experience of letting go of our pets is completely unique, with the one common bond, all of us in this group understand the deep feelings of loss.

I read the story of your beloved Nissa and my heart aches to the core of my soul for you. I can understand your apprehension at reading my book a bit more after that, and all I can tell you is that in the long run, Jazz's story is one that is meant to help bring peace and love.

All the best to you in this journey of life... xoxo

[Marj37]

I also bought the book to read on my Kindle reader.

I haven't been able to get thru many pages.........and I cry heaps as I read it.

It is beautiful , even tho so painful to read as I'm missing my Gb kitty so much. And I am glad to have it

even tho I have to go slowly in reading it.

Such an empty spot in this house where once there were two.