kayc Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 (edited) I have been feeling the need to write about this but also apprehensive about it. You were all married to such wonderful seemingly perfect people. My husband was also wonderful, but he had problems. I am very proud of him for having over came so much in his life. Shortly before he died he came to me and told me he had been using meth. It was a real shock to me because I had not suspected at all. I knew our bank account was gone and the home I’d had paid free and clear when we married now had a mortgage on it, but he always had reasons, excuses…a few months after he died I began to learn that he had undoubtedly used longer than he had let on. In fact, when I began to put two and two together, I could see where it had probably started. He had been very low in energy and had a very demanding job and a long commute…he’d chosen a very poor answer to a situation that needed other changes to take place. Anyway, we dealt with all of that before he died; however, as I began to learn the extent to which I had been lied to in order for him to enable his habit, it hurt me tremendously. On Christmas Eve I was told by a friend of his that he had hawked my wedding present to him…I never would have thought that possible. I know that he loved me deeply and would be deeply grieved now to learn the extent to which he’s hurt me. I also know that he was very troubled and drug addicts do what drug addicts do…they lie, connive and steal, anything to support their habit. And their families cannot go unscathed. We are left behind hurting and wounded to deal with all of the fall out. Now I am working two jobs to make ends meet and barely surviving and I am grappling to make sense of what our relationship was and is. I have been working through all of this pretty much on my own, not wanting to hurt his memory or for “people to find out”…yet when I hear those of you come on line and say how quiet it is, how lonely it is, I know you feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth or don’t care, and that’s not true, I just haven’t known what to say. I hear how wonderful your loved ones were. Well my George was wonderful too…he was sweet and caring and loving and intuitive. He was always helping someone, always working, always trying. But he had an addiction, and he was trying to lick it. In looking back, maybe God chose to spare him all he would have had to have gone through. Or maybe it was me He was trying to spare, I don’t know. I do know that I gave George the best years of his life, and he mine. But I am going to be paying on our debts a very long time. And the fact that he could pawn something so dear to us…well that hurts. I can’t talk to him about it, I can’t cry or hit him or have him hold me and say he’s sorry. So I have to come to terms with all of it by myself, and that’s hard. We had what we had, I don’t want to minimize it, nor do I was to be unrealistic about it either. I have started seeing a friend of his, John, someone who knew him longer than I did, and he’s been of tremendous help to me. He knew George, all of him, his strengths and weaknesses, and he loved him “as is”, and it’s been a tremendous comfort and encouragement to me to be able to talk to him. I am trying to move on and build a life for myself again, and yet I know that George will always continue to exist in my heart, no matter who he was or what he did, and I know that he loves me still and if he could change the past he would. If there’s anyone else that has encountered discoveries that are hard to resolve after their loved one’s death, please know you are not alone and take comfort in that. You are welcome to pour your heart out to me, for I will understand. I just want to admonish you to take the whole of the person with you in your memory, not just the part, and embrace your loved one for who they are. I am sorry I have had a hard time coming out with this, it’s very difficult. One thing at a time. Edited January 12, 2006 by kayc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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