Unwelcome Discoveries

[kayc]

I have been feeling the need to write about this but also apprehensive about it. You were all married to such wonderful seemingly perfect people. My husband was also wonderful, but he had problems. I am very proud of him for having over came so much in his life. Shortly before he died he came to me and told me he had been using meth. It was a real shock to me because I had not suspected at all. I knew our bank account was gone and the home I’d had paid free and clear when we married now had a mortgage on it, but he always had reasons, excuses…a few months after he died I began to learn that he had undoubtedly used longer than he had let on. In fact, when I began to put two and two together, I could see where it had probably started. He had been very low in energy and had a very demanding job and a long commute…he’d chosen a very poor answer to a situation that needed other changes to take place. Anyway, we dealt with all of that before he died; however, as I began to learn the extent to which I had been lied to in order for him to enable his habit, it hurt me tremendously. On Christmas Eve I was told by a friend of his that he had hawked my wedding present to him…I never would have thought that possible. I know that he loved me deeply and would be deeply grieved now to learn the extent to which he’s hurt me. I also know that he was very troubled and drug addicts do what drug addicts do…they lie, connive and steal, anything to support their habit. And their families cannot go unscathed. We are left behind hurting and wounded to deal with all of the fall out. Now I am working two jobs to make ends meet and barely surviving and I am grappling to make sense of what our relationship was and is. I have been working through all of this pretty much on my own, not wanting to hurt his memory or for “people to find out”…yet when I hear those of you come on line and say how quiet it is, how lonely it is, I know you feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth or don’t care, and that’s not true, I just haven’t known what to say. I hear how wonderful your loved ones were. Well my George was wonderful too…he was sweet and caring and loving and intuitive. He was always helping someone, always working, always trying. But he had an addiction, and he was trying to lick it. In looking back, maybe God chose to spare him all he would have had to have gone through. Or maybe it was me He was trying to spare, I don’t know. I do know that I gave George the best years of his life, and he mine. But I am going to be paying on our debts a very long time. And the fact that he could pawn something so dear to us…well that hurts. I can’t talk to him about it, I can’t cry or hit him or have him hold me and say he’s sorry. So I have to come to terms with all of it by myself, and that’s hard. We had what we had, I don’t want to minimize it, nor do I was to be unrealistic about it either. I have started seeing a friend of his, John, someone who knew him longer than I did, and he’s been of tremendous help to me. He knew George, all of him, his strengths and weaknesses, and he loved him “as is”, and it’s been a tremendous comfort and encouragement to me to be able to talk to him. I am trying to move on and build a life for myself again, and yet I know that George will always continue to exist in my heart, no matter who he was or what he did, and I know that he loves me still and if he could change the past he would.

If there’s anyone else that has encountered discoveries that are hard to resolve after their loved one’s death, please know you are not alone and take comfort in that. You are welcome to pour your heart out to me, for I will understand. I just want to admonish you to take the whole of the person with you in your memory, not just the part, and embrace your loved one for who they are. I am sorry I have had a hard time coming out with this, it’s very difficult. One thing at a time.

Edited January 12, 2006 by kayc

[Frank]

Oh my Kayc, now that must be rough. I haven't discovered anything that I didn't know about my wife, and I don't think I will. I did discover a few things that she was half hiding from me while we were together, we teamed up and fixed it. Such as her drinking heavly while I was not there and her use of ephedra. I think she was wanting me to discover and help her, and I did, or actually we both worked toward a goal. I think that is what I mis the most, is having my best friend being my wife. I'm still pretty raw here so I'm not sure I have any recommendations for you, although I appreciate this site and what it has to offer.

[ustwo]

Oh KayC, I know it was hard for you to pour out your feelings. I've never had to deal with an adiction directly but it was a "sickness", something your George could not control, something he could not go to you with. And I'm sure it was because he did not want to bring you pain. None of it means that the love you share is not real. I am sorry you have to struggle now harder. Hold on to the memories of the love you and George have. If he had been sick for a long time and medical bills had mounted would you not still have the love? George gave you his love freely and totally. The rest was an illness he could not control and he could not share with you. You have the strength to continue...George goes with you.

One day at a time for all of us "left behind".

Special hug for KayC.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Ustwo,

Thank you...that is pretty much what I have had to conclude too. It's a long hard struggle...

[SusanY]

Kayc, I have to agree. The behaviors you are finding out about are a part of the disease. They aren't any kind of reflection on the type of person he was and don't, in any way, diminish his love for you!!! It also doesn't mean that you weren't strong/ loving..(insert your own word here) enough to save him from his disease. I think sometimes we aren't meant to save the world, only to improve the lives of those we love in some small part. Keep the memory of his love pure and cherish it!!

[spela]

KayC,

I'm sorry that you had to discover such painful things. I have to repeat what ustwo wrote - it was something he could not control, and it doesn't mean he loved you less. Addiction was his disease, something that was too strong for him. You've already found the answer and you know you had - and have - ALL his love. And when you think about how much he has given you, how much joy and love, and how grateful you are to have him, think also what you have given him - your unconditional love, think about how much you meant to him, and how much light you brought into his life. He had problems, but he was lucky to have you.

yet when I hear those of you come on line and say how quiet it is, how lonely it is, I know you feel like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth or don’t care

We don't. I haven't written much lately - not because I wouldn't care but because I don't always find the words. But I do come here to "listen".

[WaltC]

...My husband was also wonderful, but he had problems. I am very proud of him for having over came so much in his life. ....

George was wonderful ...he was sweet and caring and loving and intuitive. He was always helping someone, always working, always trying.... I do know that I gave George the best years of his life, and he mine. ...I know that George will always continue to exist in my heart, no matter who he was or what he did, and I know that he loves me still and if he could change the past he would.

Kayc

I apologize for not responding sooner, but I wasn't feeling that I could help anyone yesterday.

I realize that it must have been difficult to write that post, but I expect that it did help you to share with your friends here. The more we know of each other the better we can understand the unique pain that each of us each carry every day.

I have quoted above what I see as the key points of your message - how much you love your husband and how you understand the importance of remembering the whole person and embracing those memories.

Remember the Little White Cloud that cried?

White Cloud

"Do your best and always remember the dark clouds will pass with time"

[kayc]

Thank you Spela and Walt. It was hard to share this. My worry at first was in his kids reading this, but I feel after all this time they have pretty much continued on with their lives and I don't think they've ever gone to this site anyway. My kids were closer by so they were more aware of what was going on in our lives as it transpired. I am glad you don't feel I've dishonored his memory by sharing something so painful, so personal. It has been a huge load to try to carry by myself. It's good to have it out in the open.

[Maylissa]

kayc,

Although I don't properly 'belong' on this forum, I still read it and had to respond as well. For me, it was my entire family who suffered from one addiction or another - my father, a problem drinker, workaholic, abuser in all forms; my Mother, alcoholic, workaholic; my dead brother, a physical abuser and goodness-knows what else, a child molester ( of me, once ); remaining brother, workaholic, physical and verbal abuser. There have never been enough 'pages' or times in a day to recount all the problems I've had to deal with regarding my family, and then the deaths of my Mom and brother, but I've found these forums to be of help in 'getting the word out', when most people physically in my life either don't want to know/listen or are too shocked for my own good. I, too, have noticed that so many ( but not all ) people, on this forum and any other, have nothing but good to say of their loved ones...by stark comparison to me. I've found myself wishing I'd had parents even half as loving and loved as many of those who have lost their partners. Then I end up wondering too often....is it just me, ONLY me, who carries such a mixed-bag of emotions and thoughts about my family ( and even my first husband, also an abusive man and a drinker ), yet still feels love for at least some of them? It was the same with my Mother, who I see in both her good and bad lights...realistically. I still loved her, still do, because I could see beneath her addiction. I could see a basically-good woman who just had too hard a time with life, much as I'm having now. And my brother, too, still has my love, despite all he's done. I DID find out he was as sensitive as I am, too late to connect with him on that level.

While it wasn't after death that I found out some secrets about my family, they are still things that will never be answered, due to circumstances now and the fact that I couldn't ask anyone about them before, again, due to circumstances at the time. So I live with the added pain these things bring up, too, and the knowledge that they will never be resolved for me. It's tough, really tough, so I can empathize with how you feel. From one such sufferer to another ~ just know that you're not alone, either.

[kayc]

Maylissa,

Thank you for sharing...my husband came from a family riddled with problems and abuse of all kinds so I can definitely understand why/how he could end up with residual problems. I have always understood him and love him, and he me. We did have something very special. But I still find it hard to fathom that he could pawn the ring I got him for a wedding present. It was $1800 and he probably got $150 for it...yet it's not the monetary loss that concerns me at all, it's the fact that he could do that...there are many other things he could have pawned. And if he only would have talked to me...I asked him when he "came clean" if he owed anyone anything and he said "Yeah but I'll take care of it"...I told him I wanted to just do it and get it over with and gave him the money for it. And now this. So it's so hard to understand...he didn't need to lie to me...unless he wanted to continue to use. And of course, I wouldn't stand for that. I realize it takes an average of seven tries to get clean. And I know he wanted to. On his cell phone bill after he died, I saw that he'd made calls to rehab places for help. I have to accept that he wanted to change and leave it at that.

You are not alone in having mixed feelings about family members...dead or alive. My own mother is pretty crazy and has been a problem all of her life and I'm not sure I can even totally say that I love her. I always wanted to but she's just so hard...my dad was an alcoholic and I loved him but he's dead now and I never got to reconcile why it was that he could watch her abuse us and just take another drink and never protect us. So I understand the mixed feelings thing. I guess life and people are just complicated. I never thought I'd bring all this up on this forum! Maybe there's a higher percentage of people that come from "normal" families than "abnormal" ones...if so, that's good! It's hard to lose people whether your grief is for the loved one or for the good memories you never got to have. Our loss is real.

[Maylissa]

kayc,

Yes, something similar happened with my Mother's wedding rings, too. She'd had this honkin' big one that, by present-day estimates, would have been worth about $40,000 (!!!Gak!!!), plus her small wedding band, but both made of platinum, so expensive jewelry. I found out a few years before she died that she'd 'consented' ( he may have forced her, for all I know ) to let my dad sell them, as they needed money. All well and good, by my books, as I'd tried to convince her to sell other things through the years, to pay off their debts, and to give her some money for her old age needs. However, my father sold them for a measly $4600 or so. This was his pattern - buy high and sell way too low...'til they ended up in the poorhouse. The part about this that angers me to this day, more than anything else, is that when my Mother got to the point where they wouldn't allow her to go home ( to die ) because she needed 24-hr. care, with specialized equipment ( which they would have had to rent or buy ), my father said there was no money for that....when they would have had a big stash if he hadn't 'sold out' on her rings. As a result, she died in a rehab. centre, alone, with 6 months of not even having a TV or phone in her room....all because of my father's greed, yet stupidity with money. Knowing my father, he used that money to fuel his life-long obsession with "making a million dollars", the only thing he ever cared about. And as if that weren't heinous enough, although he wouldn't allow me or anyone else to take anything sentimental or otherwise after she died, the saddest thing is, neither did he keep anything of his own wife's for himself. He was too obsessed with getting back out on the road to sell things...at the age of 85! So there was NO sentimentality ascribed to anything that had been hers, or to their marriage. It was business-as-usual.

My point is, those who suffer from dysfunctions, especially when life's stresses mount, can and do commit some pretty irrational acts to try and desperately hang on to whatever they feel might fill up whatever they're lacking inside to be happier. And while we might be able to intellectually understand such acts, we still have feelings about them that need to be worked through....though don't ask me HOW half the time! And as I've discovered with each loss ( death or other types ), at the core is often the loss of a dream, or an ideal. As you said, "...whether your grief is for the loved one or for the good memories you never got to have...", or a combination of the two, losing those dreams are often just as hard as losing something more concrete. And once that bubble has burst, it makes recovery even more elusive.

I can completely empathize with your heart-breaking discovery and realize that it can feel like a betrayal of your very values and morals, but despite that, in your case you DID share much love, too, and I think upon more reflection you may be able to separate your husband's real Self from his addictive self, much as I've done with my Mother ( though NOT my father! ). No one is all good, or all bad, so I guess it depends on just how far those scales were tipped to one side or the other. ( for my dad, there was VERY little of the good, so I'm done trying to understand or forgive ) I thank you for sharing, too, and for allowing me to give and take in this forum.