The Trouble With Triggers

[Froggie4635]

Dear Debi,

Your grief is so fresh and there is still numbness (for good reason). Of course you see reminders of your dear husband everywhere. It took me quite a while to begin clearing out things. One of the first things I did, was begin to put things up on the walls in the living room. Mark and I had begun collecting things we wanted to put up, to symbolize a combination of him, me and then us. As I placed each item, I felt guided. His cousin offered to make a quilt from all his t-shirts, and I did the first step of washing them up; but when time came to cut them, I couldn't do it. They are still laying in the bedroom. That was back in March. We have two showers, and the one he used is still untouched. You will do more when you are ready; there is NO RUSH. There are things in the fridge he used when he cooked...still there. By the way, Mark was also a mechanic and could fix ANYTHING. His family would call him when they couldn't figure something out, and I know they must miss that. Be kind to yourself and do things in YOUR time.

[Suitearia]

I too am in the place of having to change things ... one of the things that hit me the first of August is that Fort Lauderdale is not my home and that while I came with my husband I'm leaving alone.  He's still w/me in spirit but you understand what I'm saying.  I put our house in Indiana on the market Thursday 9/10 when I go back there.  I have to move from this condo as it's more than I can afford and 20 floors up sometimes I feel far far away.  On 9/22 the furniture consignment folks pick up the rest of our stuff ... it's all too big for me and won't fit into the 1 bedroom apartment I'm going to move into.  Plus the cost of moving it is too much for me.   Now I'm sleeping in the living room (I started to sleep there, where his hospital bed was, when Erika was coming toward S FL and the lightening and storms were hitting us.  I've felt him nudging me to go buy myself a new bed, and I will.  The blow up mattress will only work for so long.

That means that I started going through his clothes this weekend and that has been very hard.  I cry and smell them to see if there's anything left of him.  It feels wrong to go through and give his things away (I'm keeping some clothing and shoes that I just cannot part w/yet ... and jewelery too).  Yet I'm excited to to begin anew in a new community, in a new apartment.  And you know what ... Ric will right there with me.  And I'll have friends there ... 

[kayc]

Suzanne,

You're doing what needs to be done, and that's important.  I believe he has been right by your side bolstering you through it all.  Good luck with your move.

I never did go back to sleeping in "our bed"...just too hard.

[debi.williams]

Dear Maryann, I can so tune into our husbands being mechanics and how many people they helped. At my husband's funeral, many of his friends came forward with tales of how he helped them with anything from cars to their washing machines. Stuff I didn't even know about. Even neighbours spoke to me about the little kindnesses he showed when their car battery was dead for example. It sounds like your Mark and my Mathew were kindred spirits. It is so hard just on a practical front when our men could fix everything and now we are left to pick up those particular pieces too.  Already I have problems with a light in the hallway and the hot water heater. Stuff he would fix in an instant becomes insurmountable. I did the day to day washing, cooking etc and he was the fixer. We had a perfect balance.

You are right when you say there is no rush. Although this house is probably too expensive for us to stay in I simply cannot destabilise my son by moving just yet. I will try and hang on for a year and see how it goes. I totally understand why you couldn't cut up his T shirts. That is a bridge too far at the moment, although in time your cousin's kind offer will keep you warm and cosy and your husband will be wrapped around you....

It is heart wrenching to see the food in the fridge isn't it? I have jars of half eaten pickles that he loved. Today I am going to work for the first time and I feel sick. 

I am concerned about my numbness. It isn't all the time, I cry sporadically but then it is like my body has shut down. Do you think that is normal after 5 weeks?

I think it is wonderful you hung the images you and Mark chose together. What a wonderful tribute and what a wonderful comfort because he is all around you. 

Suzanne, you are being so strong and you give me courage and hope. Moving isn't easy at the best of times. Your husband will want you to sleep comfortably so I am not surprised he is nudging you to buy a bed. I so get you smelling his clothes....I was sad when I saw that my son - trying to help me - had washed my husband's shirts so I didn't have a chance to smell them. Ric will follow wherever you go. It occurred to me that our love for them hasn't altered so their love for us hasn't either. You are starting a new chapter - with Ric still by your side - I wish you nothing but happiness and peace XXX

[Froggie4635]

I tried to be nonchalant about today, but I can feel the emotions under the surface.  I kept it together until I got my billing finished.  Today marks 5 years ago that Mark and I closed on our home.  It was such a giant milestone for us...purchasing the home we were going to share together forever.  I know it brought him so much joy and peace to have a place that was ours.  Some days I also cherish it...and others I feel trapped and just want to get out for a while.  These next few months are going to full of many triggers.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I hope when you feel trapped you can get in the car and go, even if just for a little while.  I feel solace in being here in the home George and I shared, it meant so much to him. (Even if it's a money pit)

[kevin]

I am grateful to work where I do. I have been here going on 13 years, and it is like family. When Mark and I got married (at this very location), my co-workers represented my family. Mark has a large family; 9 brothers and sisters. I had already posted this morning that it was the anniversary for one of Mark's brothers yesterday and they posted pictures from their wedding 21 years ago. It just caused me to cry last night, and still this morning. I work with a great bunch of folks. When Mark got rushed to the hospital, I had 4 co-workers with me when I went to make the arrangements for Mark's cremation. I had a friend from work take me to follow the ambulance that morning. In fact, they took up a collection to pay for the cremation. Staying focused comes and goes, but I am in an office area that doesn't get a lot of outside traffic. I can be in my cubicle and work to focus on my job, and also work on grieving. I really wanted to stay home today; I have enough sick time to take the time, but I will be off most of next week on vacation, so I decided to come in and keep working.

I had to take a Jacket from our Golf Locker today........found old Chocolate bar ,half eaten in the pocket I teared up instantly( Angela would wear two Jackets when it was chilly) and never complained, wanted to be part of the living as long as possible.........

[kayc]

♥