thoughts I would not admit to anyone...

[Gwenivere]

I had to get rid of anything that was left used to fight the demon cancer that took over our lives.  I would see the medical supplies and feel so much pain.  I hated they were ever needed in this house.  I haven't changed much if anything else because I need to feel Steve is still a part of this home.  His desk was never neater, his bathroom still has his toiletries and his coffee cup still sits on the counter.  I framed some more of the artwork I did a long time ago and wish I had thought of it years ago so he could see it all of the time too.   

Today is the one year anniversary of Steve's death.  I feel numb and I think that is a protection.  I don't know if it will last or hit me tomorrow or whenever.  What I do know is it makes me see that there is no more denial (unconsciously) and from what I have read of other people's journies, I have a long road ahead.  I also discovered there sure a lot of 'magical milestone' people out there that think the worst is over for me.  If only they had any clue.  But as I remind myself, they lost a buddy, not a soulmate.  There is no way they can understand.  And instead of anger or frustration about it, I feel more a sense of compassion because someday they will know and I will truly understand.  

[scba]

Dear Gwenivere, to me the first anniversary was a numb day too, and I "woke up" many days later. I don't know why, I feared that anniversary so much, I don't remember what I did that day.

People cannot understand unless they have been through a major loss. A week ago I met some friends, they were discussing about a woman whose behaviour has been erractic lately. Someone mentioned that a year ago she lost her twin sister to cancer. I am usually silent at meetings, but I had to say: "you cannot see it, right? she is grieving, of course she is not doing well, she lost her sister". Instead of feeling frustrated, I felt thankful that they have not a clue of how it feels. They are still safe from this hell. 

[kevin]

Cleaning up Also........ throwing out some of Angela's Gardening/ painting cloths..I kept her favorite Jacket hung up in a prominent hook.......what I am also finding is an abundance of miscellaneous stuff that should have been tossed years ago......Small silver lining in this Journey...

[Margm]

Billy's dad drove the tractors that cut the grass alongside interstate highways.  In the south we let the red, white and blue clover flowers grow and they are beautiful.  Billy's dad would see some old rusty tool that had been sitting there for years, pick it up, bring it home and store it on the back porch.  When he passed away in his 60's, Billy took all those rusty tools.  Scott was looking last night for something, does it even matter?  I have forgotten, I don't search as it was only two weeks yesterday morning.  Billy, like his dad, had put a lot of papers, just sacks like sandwich bags into a bigger sack and that was put under lock and key.  Scott went through it and said "Mom, this is just nothing but trash."  I told him not to throw it away, I am not ready to even get rid of his trash yet.  Cannot even go through it.  It is like I have reached some shaky plateau that I know he is gone, but I cannot even get rid of the trash yet.  Maybe the time will come.  Not now.