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Don't Give Up


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Martha Hickman wrote:

I will take a small step - just one. In my mind's eye, perhaps I can see my loved one nodding in encoragement - "Yes, Go on. You can. I am with you."

:)I'm trying Jeannie - I really am. :)

Edited by WaltC
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It's a powerful quote but so hard to do. Tears falling as I reread over and over. My mind knows but my heart just keeps me frozen. I ran away last week....a low I could not seem to pull myself out off. And this time when I returned home there was little comfort. I really don't know where I belong without Gene. I am so sorry so many of us are lost. I can hear Gene telling me what I should do but without him I just can't make any decisions. My strength left the day Gene left.

I too am trying. I pray Gene and Jeannie can find a way to lead us on this journey. I do know Gene and Jeannie do not want us to be in pain and they are beside us every moment...walking with us. I just can't see how to find my way...it is easier just to stay in this fog of grief. Maybe one night as I look at Gene's star in the night sky he'll find a way to lead me on.

The Love Is Forever! This is the one thing I know for SURE.

Always Gene!

Always!

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Hi to Everyone,

I have a very strong spiritual path that I shared with my departed fiance. Since His passing so many doubts have arisen...so, so many! Yet, throughout these past months, no matter how I am feeling, I am CERTAIN that our loved shared is eternal. I will grow and my personality developes, my body age's and change and death happens. There are still some things I question that nobody can answer but must just be accepted through my heart.

What will NEVER change and what will remain with me throughout this life, after I leave this body...this life, is the the true love I shared with my Beloved partner. Of this I am TRULY certain!

For all of you who's Hearts have been touched by a true love I sincerely hope that you NEVER doubt that. It is the foundation from which will give you strenght to accept the many changes ahead. The Heart always remembers even when the mind doubts.

May we all trust and listen to our Hearts...it is the least we can do for ourselves. The rewards are endless and eternal!

Blessings ~ Devi

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It's been a while, since I posted. I just didn't have the energy, not even to read the forum. His birthday and one year mark have passed since. It's strange - you would expect SOMETHING would be different after one year - but it's not, you wake un in just another empty day. I think it may have something to do with the fact that a year or a few months ago I couldn't imagine I would still be here now. Now I've been through all the special dates without him, will I be able to spend them in a different, more positive way this year? I hope so.

Some things are different, maybe the pain is not that sharp, but it's constant, and - I don't know what to do with my life. I feel I have to leave, go somewhere where I wouldn't be surrounded with so-called "friends" who don't understand. That's another problem - I do KNOW it's knot their fault and I shouldn't blame them - but somehow I do. I think it's probably my fault that they're not around anymore. I have isolated myself from them. I ignored the question "how are you?" because I couldn't stand it and I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. Now they don't ask anymore. I hardly talk to people, I don't know what's going on in their lives, and they don't know what's going on in my life. The only subject I can talk about is dogs. At least something ... I had an argument once, with my co-worker, when she said that I should move on because it is not me who died (!) - and since then I rather avoid the subject (though it happened probably more than 6 months ago). I wish I could talk more about him, to people who knew/know him - but I'm scared of their (possible) insensitive/stupid remarks ("it's been more than a year - that REALLY is the time to move on" or "you still have time to find somebody and have children"! or ... all the things we have heard). So I don't talk about anything personal ... I hide my sadness under bitterness or self-isolation, and I don't show it when something makes me happy. I should at least change my job, if not the country - but I'm scared that I don't have the energy, and also, would that make it easier????

I see there are some newcomers here. I am sorry for your losses.

Today I had to write. Walt, thank you, again, for your positive words on this forum. Yes I'm trying ... And thank you Devi - it was your wonderful message that made me come back again ...

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Spela,

I've missed you...I've kept looking for your postings and wondering how you are doing. You sound like you could be depressed...have you sought professional treatment for it? Depression is to be expected when going through something of such magnatude as this. I don't know if this next year will be any easier for you or not, but I don't think it could be any harder, that's for sure. If you are feeling a need for some changes, maybe you should give that some serious consideration. Don't write off the former friends...you may feel differently someday, but neither should you feel like you have to be around them right now if you don't want to. If they're truly friends, they'll be there if and when you're ready. If dogs bring you any comfort or joy, then go with that. Maybe you might feel more comfortable interacting with people if they don't know what you've been through so it isn't a matter of discussion...can you try and get to know some new people maybe through an organization involving dogs in some way. I don't know, whatever you feel comfortable with. People do seem to have some sort of a time table for us; however, none of us fit that timetable, we all handle things differently and that's perfectly okay. At any rate, none of us here have any such expectations and we care for you and are glad to hear from you again.

KayC

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Thank you KayC. I've been thinking about what you wrote, thinking that you might be right when you say I might be depressed - I don't know what the difference between "normal" grief and depression is?? How can you tell - really???? No, I haven't had professional help, but I must say I do feel better now. What you said about my friends though ... oh I don't know ... some have at least tried to be around. But some haven't - and even now I'm feeling quite well I don't really care about them anymore. Not that I blame them, no, not anymore, not now at least (yes sometimes I do!), but just - they're not a part of my life anymore, that's it. Thank you all for being there. And for caring ...

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Spela,

Really, I kind of know what you mean. I have been fortunate to have had some there for me...but others that I would have thought would have been there, haven't. I don't blame those who don't know how to be because they just don't know, they haven't been here...and I don't want them to go through this either. But like you said, we move on, after a while, we really just don't care...not because we aren't forgiving, but because things have changed and we HAVE moved on...from them. I have mostly different friends now, I hadn't really thought about it but very few that were there before are here now. Those that my husband and I were close to...they're gone. He would be surprised, I'm sure, but I guess that's the way it goes. But God seems to have blessed me with what I need, I have my dog and three cats now (two are new). A a few new friends. What's odd is that they are people I knew before but just barely, but they've really been here for me, and none of them have experienced death/loss themselves. I guess some have more ability to empathize and be there than others do. We'll find our way eventually.

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I am so glad you logged on today. I am new, but the stuff about friends is what I have been dwelling on today. I feel like I shouldn't say this aloud, but I'm so sick of people sending me cards, when what I want is someone to

hang out with me or call me on a saturday nite. Neil died four weeks ago and no one thinks to call you on saturday nite when you're sitting there by yourself for the first time in 15 years. I don't think that would take extra brainpower. So I know I have to call someone and tell them I need company and ask them to come over or something. It's only four weeks but already I'm sick of doing everthing. I already get the feeling that everyone's moved past me.

Like your friend said, they all have a timetable we're supposed to be on---In any event, I am so grateful to find you all and it makes me less lonely to know you are here. You helped me. Ping

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Guest Guest_Deborah_*

I think its interesting that we all relate the same words and experiences about our friends. Larry and I were in the the fight of his life, trying to keep him going, medicine, hospitalizations, tests, waiting for transplant, that now that he is gone I find that most friends lives have continued while mine was just focused on keeping him alive. They have gone on. The ones that are around some think that they know how I feel. But the can't even begin to know. If they REALLY knew, they would call, let me talk, let me cry, come by and just sit with me. But they call with their problems and talk about their lives, their husbands and they don't understand that I can't focus on what they are saying. I don't understand how they do what they do. I'm not judging. I just don't understand anything anymore. Its like I have landed on Mars.

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Hello to every one,

I was just reading several of the postings on here in relation to how friends and family – so many people who touch our lives after the death of our loved ones – want us to “move on” – “get over it”. I recently read a book entitled “Grief Steps” by Brook Noel. I had typed out a portion of one chapter for a Grief Group I attend. This seems like an appropriate time to share it all with you. It seems to address this general attitude that so many of us face – and offers some insight into just why we are seeing people around us react the way they have reacted. I hope this helps to at least shed some light on the subject. Here it is:

______________________________________________________________________________

Accepting Change

After facing significant loss, it is common to see a shift in our circle of friends. We have faced a profound experience and with that experience comes a new knowledge and a new needs. We often find that we see things in a new or different light, and our needs from/ and for others change with this new vision. Likewise, many friends and acquaintances will not understand the changes we have gone through and wish for the “self” we once were. A member in the Grief Steps support group wrote:

“My friends were there for me in the beginning and for that I am grateful. They were all wonderful in those first agonizing days when my son died, but then time went on and some of them expected me to return to my old self. Well, that didn’t happen. Some friends expect us to “get better”. Often they think there is a schedule to follow but grief does not have a timeline, and we each grieve at our own pace…and that pace is usually far longer than our friends (having moved on with their lives, as well they should) have the time or patience for. Some times they can’t relate to the “new person” we have become, and sadly we drift apart.”

When we experience loss, we make something very difficult and very sad – very real. If we honor our loss, speak of our loss, and incorporate it into our life (which is healthy, and right to do) it means that those who are around us will be reminded that the loss is real. And can happen to anyone at any time.

Many people are ill equipped with the emotions and strength to face that reality. That is why they want us to “get back to normal” – they want us to get back to where they don’t have to look that reality in the eye. But that is a place we cannot go back to – at least not if we choose the healthy path. For this reason, we will shed many friends of notice friendships change. Although I don’t know what experience Joni Mitchell was facing, the lyrics from her song, “Clouds” are very powerful:

And now my friends are acting strange

They shake their heads,

And tell me I’ve changed

Well there’s something lost

And something gained

In living life this way…

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,

From up above, from near and far

And still somehow

It’s life’s illusions I recall,

I really don’t know life at all.

I remember after Caleb died, about 3-4 weeks later, my Mom was frustrated about how some of her friends were treating her – how they just “continued on” as if nothing has changed. Their world just continued to rotate, like it was any other day. They had sent their flowers, extended their condolences, and went back to the business of living. She wondered why these people “weren’t there for her anymore.”

As we reflected on this together, I brought up several deaths we had witnessed in the past years – deaths where we knew the person, or the surviving family, and we were fairly close. I reminded her how we sent flowers, went to the service, expressed our condolences, and then went on with our lives.

When it happens to us – we get a “ticket” to join “a club” with “new eyes” and a “new way of seeing”. The world as it once was, ceases to exist. What we once considered “normal” will never be ours again, and we are forced to adapt and shapes shift to create a “new normal”. Yet when we remain open, we are often led to the very people that hold the same ticket and belong to the same club. And then we can grow together. As an example, you have come to this book. There are many support options suggested throughout this book. If you utilize tem, they can bring you nearer to others who hold the same “ticket”. And they will continue the journey with you.

_______________________________________________________________________

I hope this has provided some insight.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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Jack - Thanks for that post, it brings back good memories from many years ago - in happier times - when that song "Both Sides Now" was popular here. Just like many other songs from my past, the words have deeper meaning now.

Listen and remember: Both Sides Now

I can't wait to get to the other side with my Jeannie - it's no fun on this side anymore. :(:(:(

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Thank you all. It seems it happens more often than I thought. Maybe the reason why we feel more comfortable with "new" people that with old friends is that we don't expect anything from those who we didnt' know before or only knew them briefly - while we expected from our friends to be there which they haven't?

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Spela,

That's a good point, maybe that's part of it. This morning I was feeling suicidal...not planning it or anything, just thinking how nice it'd be to have it all over with, I feel so tired of it all. I feel like there's no one there, not really. For Valentine's Day, I thought, "okay, no one will remember me, but SI can do something for someone else" so I baked cookies and I mailed some to my son, and he called me the day after Valentine's and chewed on me for sending them to his former address. My daughter was supposed to be up this week but hasn't showed up yet so hers is still sitting there. Her friend that stays with me on weekends left his down where the dog got them. My other friend took off, forgetting about his. So much for trying to do something for someone else. I'm depressed.

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I'm sorry KayC, because you were left alone. Because you wanted to do something nice and they didn't seem to notice. But your dog did - obviously. :-) That's how I'm thinking lately - people often disappoint you, but dogs don't. And they're always happy to see you and prepared to do things for you.

I know how you must be feeling ... still, you are not alone. You have your dog and your cats and friends that truly care, and we're here for you, on this forum.

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Thanks Spela. I never thought about it like that, that my dog at least valued the valentine cookies I made. What a hoot!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest vivian

Spela,

Really, I kind of know what you mean. I have been fortunate to have had some there for me...but others that I would have thought would have been there, haven't. I don't blame those who don't know how to be because they just don't know, they haven't been here...and I don't want them to go through this either. But like you said, we move on, after a while, we really just don't care...not because we aren't forgiving, but because things have changed and we HAVE moved on...from them. I have mostly different friends now, I hadn't really thought about it but very few that were there before are here now. Those that my husband and I were close to...they're gone. He would be surprised, I'm sure, but I guess that's the way it goes. But God seems to have blessed me with what I need, I have my dog and three cats now (two are new). A a few new friends. What's odd is that they are people I knew before but just barely, but they've really been here for me, and none of them have experienced death/loss themselves. I guess some have more ability to empathize and be there than others do. We'll find our way eventually.

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Guest Guest_vivian_*

Thanks Spela. I never thought about it like that, that my dog at least valued the valentine cookies I made. What a hoot!

When my husband was first diagnosed I was told by a friend who had lost her husband years ago that the biggest revelation for me would be that some of those I thought to be close friends would disappear, while those who were only somewhat in my life would be there to support me. This turned out to be so, so true. I've learned to weed out people and to spend time with those people in whose company I can find some peace of mind.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Spela, you never offended me, I liked that you gave me a fresh way to look at it...maybe the valentine cookies were best given to the dog anyway!

I have been having a time with friends...I just told off a friend that I used to be really close to but she is judgmental of me now and yet she has no clue what I've been through and she has totally not been there for me since George died so I don't think she has the right to say anything. Anyway, all I told her was the hard truth and I guess she couldn't handle it. Oh well! It's funny how they can say anything they want but you can't. And all of George's and my friends...they're gone. Some of them have even moved and gotten their number changed and haven't even bothered to let me know! And his kids...they don't respond or return calls or emails. Yet God has blessed me with two new cats this year, and they occupy my time. They sleep with me and follow me around the house...

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