so lost

[hollowheart]

I think even if they message you once in a blue moon, you still have some contact with them on a "semi regular" basis. If they go, "Hey Virgo Gal! What have you been up to?" I think it would be OK to say, 'Well, I have some sad news. I had a death in the family. My brother passed." 

But it really is up to you to decide who you think you would want to tell. If you really don't talk to them, then they don't need to know. For me, I wouldn't want to talk to them normally like my heart is not still cracking and breaking into a million pieces as we speak. Even by text my messages would probably come across as 'WTF ever" because that is how I pretty much feel about peoples mundane conversations now.

If you say he's studying abroad then think about how often you might talk to that person. They'd be like 'So how is his studies going? How does he like the weather over there?" And it will be painful to feel like you have to create this story for him. If he were still here but doing something secret then it might be easier to lie, but I feel it might be a little mentally and emotionally harmful to keep that story up.  If you think people who know each other talk, you can say 'Well, I don't know if Jane told you, but..." When they ask how you are doing and also then they will know why you won't want to talk or whatever. Because you are still mourning.

 

[Cathyc]

Thanks, Marty for the articles. It is very helpful to know what our options are.  A while ago, I learned to have a quick addition handy for when I tell someone, like "I had a brother but he passed away." If someone asks what happened or tries to pry, I say "Its a long story, lets not talk about it right now"  Say it in a friendly but firm manner and they will back off.  If they say, "I'm sorry" and/or given me that sympathetic look or they feel guilty they asked, I quickly say, "Its okay, don't worry about it." Because if they don't feel guilty and awkward, its easier for both of us. And I then ask them a question about themselves, to ensure the conversation gets changed.   I found that if you prepare that kind of quick response ahead of time, its a lot easier to take control and change the conversation. 

I wouldn't lie, like say he's overseas, because that could lead to more questions. Or maybe you get to know the person better and eventually you have to tell them. Plus, when someone how many brothers and sisters you have, its good for them to learn where they will end up. Then they might think twice about asking someone else the same question.

I'm at the stage now where I don't ask other people about their families until I feel there is already a lot of common ground. And even then I would just say, "I'm interested in knowing about you and your family." So, its up to them to decide how much they want to tell me.

 

[Cathyc]

23 hours ago, virgo_gal said:

I guess the saddness remains, it just dulls a little over time.

I agree completely. For me, it was also a matter of grief waves becoming more sporadic. I can still feel it intensely sometimes, but for shorter periods of time, and with longer periods of time feeling "normal" in-between. It really does get better especially if you get informed (and thanks for the articles, Marty) and are able to talk it through in places like this group (if you can't join one where you are).

[virgo_gal]

I have been crying again since yesterday.. I dont know why, maybe the weekends feel so empty without him.

Our home has also become so dull and silent which was so lively before because of him. I am not so talkative either, have never been.

My parents are also growing old. I have to support them as much as I can. 

How are we going to cope up without him on important events? Family functions? 

He was the light of our family. There is only darkness around us now.

[virgo_gal]

I wish I could tell him how sorry I am, for fighting with him, being rude to him or even saying mean things to him at times. I didnt mean any of that. I used to be busy and tired all those times and used to take out my frustrations on anyone and everyone.

-- I only have love for u in my heart, dear brother. You mean the world to me. And I would do anything in the world to make sure you are happy and getting all the love that you deserve.

[kayc]

I hope you've read some of the tips on coping with the holidays, very helpful going into that time of year.

[hollowheart]

4 hours ago, virgo_gal said:

I have been crying again since yesterday.. I dont know why, maybe the weekends feel so empty without him.

Our home has also become so dull and silent which was so lively before because of him. I am not so talkative either, have never been.

My parents are also growing old. I have to support them as much as I can. 

How are we going to cope up without him on important events? Family functions? 

He was the light of our family. There is only darkness around us now.

This is my situation exactly. The weekends are just awful. I used to look forward to them, now I dread waking up on Saturday. Me and her together livened up the house and even by ourselves we had fun in our hearts. My Ma is old and wants to do nothing but sit, eat and watch tv. She also has health issues so going out turns into a big drama. I need a car just for that reason so it's frustrating having just her now. She can't do what me and my sister used to do. It makes me even more depressed. 

I feel so alone. Even when we go out and come home she is so tired she runs to lie down and fall asleep so it's difficult dealing with an old person. It's like I'm still by myself. I hate my life. 

[virgo_gal]

I hope he is at a happy place right now.

No matter what, he will always remain in my heart as my brother. He was the best. He is the best.

One day, I am sure we ll meet and I ll tell him how much I loved him.

[Cathyc]

Yes, he will be forever in your heart. That's how I feel about my brother. Its almost as if I were carrying him around physically with me. I feel his presence with me. 

 

[virgo_gal]

Cathyc : how old was your brother and what happened to him?