Margm Posted November 28, 2015 Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 I always believed in magical things, some mystical, maybe not supernatural. Billy did not believe in supernatural anything. I drove the around 360 mile round trip without any problems. I talked to him all the way down there and through the rain and flooded roads all the way back. My son wanted to drive me, but I had to be dependent upon myself. I love my kids and they want to "take care of me," but I have got to be able to do things by myself. I even drove the truck with my 16-year-old granddaughter with me during the Black Friday traffic in Shreveport/Bossier. No problems. I asked Billy to "show me a sign" as to what I needed to do about moving. Of course, the only sign was a peaceful time with my mom, sister, daughter, son, granddaughter and the "significant others" of my son and daughter. I even made the dressing. No one cried. We were all aware of the missing father, husband and grandfather. The before meal prayer included him. I think the peace we all had was sign enough for me. Right now, I almost wish I had let my son take me because it will be after dark before they make it back home and this three bedroom, living room, den, two bath home is entirely too big and quiet. I am having anxiety I did not have over the last three days. I need a very small place, no upkeep, no yards to mow, no appliances or AC/heat to worry about, no chimney that I hear leaking right now. Billy hated taking care of a house, so do I. I hope each one of you had some peace this holiday. Just a tiny amount helps. Oh, and my granddaughter likes me to watch movies with her so she kept me occupied and I can lose myself in movies. She and I have the same taste. Mostly animated ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 28, 2015 Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Chimney leaking? How? Do you mean rain is coming in around where it should be sealed? That is so easily remedied by a contractor or handyman! I had that happen after I got my roof put on, it made a huge stain on the ceiling, but they came back and did something to it and I painted the ceiling and problem was taken care of. I hear you, sometimes I wish I didn't have to take care of this big old money pit, but I'm stuck here (upsidedown) so I make the best of it. At least it has the benefit of getting to see wildlife and the trees are beautiful. I wouldn't want to live in the city, I'd just like to not have to worry about so much. I'm glad you have your granddaughter with you! I can't wait for that to begin! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted November 28, 2015 Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Margaret, sounds like you had a great three day Holiday. Very commendable the lengthy drive...You mentioned no problems, how was the traffic?.....Empty spaces are now my pet peaves and I am in no hurry to ever fill them up again.......I'm looking for a two bedroom townhouse once I decide where....still too early. Stay healthy..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Kay, actually, it blows in. It has a top on it and he climbed up there before and put sealant all around it. The house was built in 1965, but we have lived here 8 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 So the chimney hood is letting it in? Maybe it just needs resealed. We had a vent like that one time, kept having to reseal. When I got my new roof put on, I told them to roof over it, I personally felt it was jinxed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Hey, I just learned how to load a dishwasher (Billy called it "his job."), and that is why I want to rent, and don't want a house. We have always owned our homes and it's just not worth it (to me). But, a lot of women (my neighbor Hettie, my mama) who do not want to leave their homes ever. I think I have gypsy blood because I hate to stay in one place long. Not sure I will even stay in the apartment long, will spend all my money on movers. Hettie, my neighbor, has a house that has so many levels, an empty apartment downstairs for relatives, storage rooms everywhere, and it is beautiful. She stays in it by herself. My grandma stayed by herself in a big old farmhouse out in the country years and years. I have never stayed by myself but once in an RV, and I did not mind that at all. Billy used to go behind me turning out lights. I am by myself tonight and I have 4 outside lights and every light on in this house.. He would say "what are you scared of." I could only say "I don't know, but something/anything." Kevin, about the traffic. The little town I live in right now has 1000 people. Shreveport/Bossier is a giant compared. The traffic was terrific. We had to park a long way and walk or drive around waiting for someone to back out. I am going to get me one of those little, what Billy called clown cars. It gets 40 mpg, has 4 doors, and sorta looks like a SUV, but is small. Seems like it was a Nissan Note, or something like that. I am trading my big truck with my son for his little Ford truck until then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Thank you for sharing your good Thanksgiving. Mine was with new friends at one of their homes. My husband wanted me to make new friends and build a new life. I'm doing the best I can. I still miss him and cry a lot at home alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Margaret, Alas, I don't think Romanians move around like that anymore, they work and have businesses, just like we do. Maybe an RV is just the ticket for you to live in! Besides, the light bill wouldn't be so high! I made a new friend after George's death and she became my best (people) friend, but she moved away over a year ago and we talk on the phone about once ever couple of weeks, I miss her! My true best friend is my dog Arlie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 If I was the one gone, Billy would be in the deep woods somewhere (hopefully somewhere that the ice storm had not hit), with the butane heater running, reading his Kindle (cause it is raining all over central Arkansas. Weather permitting, he would walk the woods and fish the streams. We discussed ahead of time (I was the one probably going first), but the discussion was made. Just by chance I lived, I would also go in the RV, by myself. Only, I would have to have one I could drive, so that first week after "he left" I was getting a small Class C. Then, the emotions hit. RVing was for us. I loved it (for us). My emotions on being alone was anxiety, fear, amnesia, and then the whole body paralysis set in. Then I could not look at his pictures. I did not want anyone, not even his children touching anything that was his. Grief is not a mental illness, but I am one person that can take it into a certifiable illness. Last night was my first night "alone." I was totally petrified. Where was that strong woman people were calling me. I hate to say this, but I self medicated myself into sleep and still kept waking up. This cannot be allowed to happen. I am no spring chicken, I might be an old hen, but there is still some fight left in me. I come from strong stock, and all of them widows. Hey, I will get my steps in coordination. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, said the little red engine that could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 A bit of a letdown is a common feeling after a "gathering" ....I actually feel better when I come home now, I feel better in the new surroundings I have set up(Angela's Corner) and one other room....Rest of the house is a waste of space......Lights, my answer to the lights left on is "night lights" everywhere......bedroom, bathroom, hallway, kitchen and two in the basement.......figure it saves about $10 month.....And Margaret, never doubt your Metal, you have a strength that displays itself boldly........have a Good Sunday, I have Sunshine... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Thanks Kevin. I think you live in Canada (am I correct?), BC to be exact. I'll bet that sunshine is beautiful. We have gray dripping skies in west central Arkansas. The little dry stream bed at the bottom of our hill is a raging river.. When I got my first job I was so full of myself. I was at Mama and Daddy's and Billy told me something to calm me down. I told him what he could do with his advice on "my" job and he told me "you know, if you mess with me you will quit that job tomorrow." My daddy, who never could stand up to my mama, ever, he laughed and applauded him for "wearing the pants." Now, that was back in 1970. Over the next 43 years from 1970, Billy "allowed" me to keep my job and advance, but we were partners. Now I have our retirement, and he made sure I was taken care of, along with my own retirement. Right now, I would be happy to allow him to "wear the pants." Sometimes wearing them is problematic. But, that is one thing we women have to do (and men too), we have to try to be strong just to show our children and grandchildren (and ourselves) that we can. Terrifying sometimes isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Southern BC........God's Country(sometimes) ....I think everyone has there own defined spirit, and when you get Married,now the two spirits compliment each other. Its always, or at least often stated, opposites attract. I actually believe, once we know our Spouses strengths we surrender the responsibilities to these strengths automatically, it makes sense(and vice versa)....the world continues and life is good, until we lose our mate. That is when we have to regain whatever we surrendered over the years(eg finances, landscaping, shopping etc).........and relearn it all...........for me Angela was my "emotional throttle" or my conscience, she would keep things in check socially, remind me of Charities, count the Beers I drank, made sure Birthday Cards were sent etc.......I think it will take us all some time to re adjust and re learn. ...Agree, pretty scary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 I recently saw Good Will Hunting again and a scene really struck me. Robin Williams was telling Matt Damon how he (Damon) didn't understand love. That looking for perfection was useless as no one is perfect. When we fall in love, we fall in love with the person that is perfect for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted November 29, 2015 Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Andre was perfect for me. We had our difficult times, but we were happy and content with each other. I cry all the time when I'm alone at home. When I must do something here I have to really push myself. I do feel better when I get busy. When I'm trying to relax, I start crying again because my husband isn't here with me. I lay on my bed with my dog and watch TV. I feel miserable and want to die to be with Andre. Then I remember that my dog needs me and that I have friends and a new life to live. I try to go out and to connect with friends everyday. Otherwise, my depression would take over my entire life. I take medication for depression monitored by a psychiatrist, and I work with a therapist once a week. I go to my support group meetings about five days a week, and go to a grief group once a week. I'm hoping to take a stained glass class soon. I've decided to have my house cleaned every four to six weeks and my small yard maintained by a helper. When I need help to do my paperwork, I'll pay my friend to assist me. I even find it difficult to do laundry and walk my dog, but I push myself to do these tasks. I hope I will be able to do more myself, but for now all of it reminds me too much that Andre's gone. I have a terrible time doing things alone; Andre and I did everything together. Fortunately, I can afford all the help. I feel bad for being so needy and sad when I'm alone. I have a hard time grasping onto a reason to go on living. As I said above my dog and my friends and my husband's final wishes keep me hanging on. I hope to be able to feel better when I'm alone. I know I need to learn to love and appreciate myself. Others tell me they love and appreciate me. I have a hard time seeing why, but their words do make me feel better. I just hope I'll start thinking so positively about myself. My grief feels worse when I'm by myself. I know it's best to let grief take its course. It's just so so painful, isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 I feel there is so much to be thankful for: I thank God for my beloved man Jan waiting for me in heaven... I thank for my best friends helping me as much as possible since he left this world... I thank for my work fulfilling my days... I thank for you all... Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Janka, you have the most beautiful way to express yourself. I love the way you talk in poetry. I love the way you use the computer to paint pictures. You use your words to paint them also. I love reading and watching everything you say. I am sorry we all have to meet under this grief tree. You have a beautiful heart and thank you for sharing it with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 My dear Margaret! Thank you so much for your lovely answer!It touched my heart so deep that I´m crying now so happy to hear such warm-hearted words.You know that everything I do,I do for my beloved Jan.He is worthy all of those most beautiful words well-meaning from the bottom of my heart longing for him every second of my life.I´m happy to meet you on here and sending you my sincere hugs to make easier your sore heart. Our loved ones are always with us loving us as much as we do forever. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Honestly Janka, you do bring a smile to a sore heart. It is not good any of us are on this forum, but in this time of grief, you do write beautifully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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