Maybe a breakthrough for me.....

[Margm]

Could not stand to have memories because the memories of that last night in the hospital kept interfering and I would have to shake my head and say "no, no, no" to get it away from my memory.  You know my story.  But this morning, thinking about our first Christmas tree in the RV, it was a Rosemary tree from a nursery in Harrison, AR.  I am going to look for one in the "big city" today.  I think Rosemary is for memory, according to Shakespeare's Hamlet.  

Billy had one of his first wedding rings melted into a nugget to wear around his neck.  Try as I may, he won't give me any hints as to where he put it.  He was a pack rat fixing and refixing fishing rod "blanks."  It was a hobby to him, and tying flies.  I have so many he tied, I will not use.  I am going to make a shadow box for the kids, cork back, and hang one of each fly that he tied.  It was a hobby.  One of the in-laws mentioned he was so good at it they wanted to put them on Ebay and price them.  After that he "shut down" tying them.  If someone was going to make a job out of it, he wanted no part of it.  Later on, he took up the hobby again.  He wrapped me a purple and gold rod with my name on it that I lost in Lake Bistineau when I turned over the pirogue by running into low lying cypress trees.  He was on the dock (our house was just above the dock) watching me.  I came up sputtering and he and my son were laughing so hard.  I was so angry at him for not jumping in to save me.  Then my feet found the bottom and it came up to my waist.  Still, I thought he ought to have jumped in.  

For me, this is a breakthrough, a bitter-sweet breakthrough.  I would not let myself think of memories, they hurt.  They still do, but I will go on honoring him with these memories.  Kevin's poem that he has on his refrigerator broke some of the wax around my heart.  I still hurt, it has not been two months, and when I am by myself, when memories of that last night intrude and I say my "no, no, no," I will cry.  That is a bad memory I want to erase though and let the good memories in.  And, I know people think I am a crazy woman, but I don't care.  I talk to him all the time when I am by myself.  Sometimes I feel so alone, but I have felt his presence sometimes and a "peace that passes all understanding."  

[scba]

Dear Margaret, with time and the work of nature+grief+God+life, the memories of the last days/minutes/seconds before their deaths will not be as intruding as they are now. You won't forget it, it cannot be erased unfortunately and you will still feel the pain, but the hurting effect will be lessen. Otherwise no one could survive in this world, I think. 

With time, those bad memories will hang around with good ones too. Like you, I still cannot sit down and think of good memories, it seems that they hurt more than the bad ones, to me they remind me all that I had and that I lost. I trust that with the help of my therapist and my boyfriend from above I can revert that, and let the good memories overcome the bad ones.

 

 

[Margm]

I wish that for all of us.  It is harder work than the job I held for 43 years though.  

[kayc]

Isn't that for sure!  This is the hardest thing we've ever been called upon to do.

I remember having George's pictures up (it looked like a shrine in here), then it'd hurt too bad so I'd take them down, then I'd want to see them so I'd put them up, I lost count how many times...finally I put them up to stay as I could handle it.  That doesn't mean I don't cry anymore but the grief evolves and so do our responses to it.  If I cry, I know it's okay and let the tears come.  But most of the time now the memories bring me comfort, encouragement, solace.  Not memories of that fateful day though.  I try not to dwell on that, but of course it comes sometimes, I just try not to let that be my focus.

[Kpl48]

I'm beginning to have memories of our life together. Not many. I think my being cannot handle that level of thought yet. I did have dreams about Andre this morning. They were nice because he came back (in my dreams). Then I'd wake up and feel so bad. I did this several times. As usual it was hard to get up, but I did. Making myself follow a positive morning routine really helps. I still miss him so much and usually cry throughout the day. Thank you all for sharing. 

[scba]

I had a good morning too until I called my MIL and we talked about my future. I started to sob, tried to be strong but I failed. I cannot think of my future. Whatever I think (for example, I can send my CV here or there) I have the feeling that I can fail and that everything can be lost and destroyed again. I am struggling with this fear. I quit my job after my boyfriend died, moved out and came back to my parent's. I have nowhere to "return" after a year of grieving. Some people tell me: you need more time. Maybe it is true. 

Kpl48, Keep the memories of your dreams with Andre close to you heart.

Kay, I'm glad his pictures are back to where they were! This brings me hope that I can do that one day. 

[kevin]

Margaret, sounds good, and keep your faith as your guide......I find now the good memories, and there are so many captured on film and pictures, bring me so much joy . This joy always has tears, but there is so much laughter and talk. On the other hand, more snow, only 4-5 inches, half hour work out.........have a good day...  

[kayc]

scba,

I wish I had parents to go to.  Right now I'm struggling taking care of a money pit that is upside down.  Tonight I discovered my plumbing is leaking and no way to get anything underneath it.  It's an old mobile home and they don't make parts for this particular plumbing anymore.  It's going to be very expensive and I don't have the $.  I'm getting tired of trying to take care of everything by myself.  

I hope you can build a life back for yourself soon.  Are you working yet?  It can be hard to get back in the job market after a year off, maybe volunteer part time somewhere, it'll build your networking, which is how to get a job, and get you out around people and help you regain sense of purpose again.  It looks good on a resume too.

What is CV?

[Margm]

Kay, I hope I can sell this house before something else breaks.  I never want to own a home or RV again.  (Well, I still have both, but my son is going to take the RV).  My thoughts are with you and I hope you find some help with those pipes.  I think you must live up where the weather is very cold.  It is even 32 here in central Arkansas right now.  Not too much difference in here and Louisiana except we get more snow up here.  Not as many rocks back in Louisiana and I want to rent an apartment that will serve as a cocoon for awhile.  I hope you can find such a place too, or someone to fix those pipes.  

[kayc]

This is beyond the handyman's expertise, I'm afraid it will require a plumber because it will require replacing some plumbing that comes from under the house...the 'crawl space is tight and it's dirt and spiders.  I may have a hard time getting help with this, there's only one plumber in town.  We had a cold spell last week, it was 18-22 most of the week.

[kevin]

I have all day tomorrow planned for plumbing......removing /repainting ceiling panels, and getting access to a restricted kitchen drain line. Right now it is just an inconvenience .  Everything is fine one day and not the next....KayC, aren't the Spiders dead by now?

[Margm]

Well, this house was built in 1965.  I know it need new plumbing.  I am ready to give it away to anyone who will take it on.  One time my daughter moved a heavy RV on the side of the house the plumbing is on and broke an underground pipe.  This crazy hilly land absorbed over $500 worth of water before we knew a pipe was busted.  (Found out when we got the bill.)  It leaked down into the ground rather than up on top of the ground.  This happened twice, fixed twice, now I am ready to leave permanently.  I just don't want to ever come home to this empty house again.  I will go to a motel until someone comes home.  

[kayc]

Margaret, I understand, but I'm on the line for the house payments so I'm afraid I'm stuck here.  No one in their right mind would want to buy it and no bank would loan money for it...I'm amazed they remortgaged it for me.

Kevin, it's good that you know how to do it yourself.  Nope, just killed a large spider yesterday that jumped off a piece of firewood.

[Margm]

I told you I was "certifiable" and maybe grief is not a mental illness, but I guess those of us who are prone to it anyhow, maybe it is in a way.  Because of some things I did that went against my Christian upbringing, because of survivor's guilt, because I was curious because of my family's history, and just because, period, I went to a psychiatrist for 15 years.  When I get back to Louisiana I will visit her again.  She knows me.  After that length of time my only diagnosis was chronic depression.  I already knew that, had had it since childhood.  No, I do not want to get rid of anything of Billy's, but I will never wear the shirt I had on when he died.  In fact, instead of giving away his clothes, like I should, I am giving away all of mine.  Maybe it is a form of those women who pull their hair out and throw themselves on their husband's funeral cremation ceremony in other countries, other times.  I cannot leave in the RV, as he would have done, but he would  have left this house, this place.  Knowing it is not the house, the place's fault, it still makes sense to this foggy brain.  Now, I will put his picture, but I might not come back and reread it.  This is one of the hats I talk to.  

[scba]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

scba,

I wish I had parents to go to.  Right now I'm struggling taking care of a money pit that is upside down.  Tonight I discovered my plumbing is leaking and no way to get anything underneath it.  It's an old mobile home and they don't make parts for this particular plumbing anymore.  It's going to be very expensive and I don't have the $.  I'm getting tired of trying to take care of everything by myself.  

I hope you can build a life back for yourself soon.  Are you working yet?  It can be hard to get back in the job market after a year off, maybe volunteer part time somewhere, it'll build your networking, which is how to get a job, and get you out around people and help you regain sense of purpose again.  It looks good on a resume too.

What is CV?

I'm sorry for being so selfish, I should be grateful that I'm with my parents. Sometimes pain makes me think of myself as the one who suffers more, and it is not right.

Is there no other solution for your plumb problem that is not so expensive?

[kevin]

Things are looking better this month, Van is running well with new battery,...and after the third or fourth go, finally have my kitchen sink drainng, and once I got the snow the cleared it started to rain....Mailed stuff to grand children, found a card Angela picked out at least a year ago for the Granddaughter we looked after for 4 years....brought mega tears, I told the story and signed it for Angela......take care.....KayC, is it a sewer line or your water line that is giving you the problem?

[kayc]

SCBA, No, it's complicated.  My son doesn't live here anymore but he emailed me some information and links, which IF the plumber ever calls me back, I will pass on to him!

You're not being selfish, this is hard at best.

You too, Kevin?  I just bought a new battery for my pickup (third time in about 4-5 years, replaced the alternator last Spring.  New tires for my car.  always something, huh?  I'm glad you got the kitchen sink draining...my plumbing is leaking and I can't get anything under it so I NEED the plumber to come out!  You got a lot done!  No, it's not the sewer, it's fittings, but it's a three way and it's almost flush with the floor, a real hokey design, it's old and the plumbing in mobile homes back then was cheap.  A lot of it's been replaced over the years, mostly last year.