Amily Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 It's nearly a New Year and I am afraid to leave behind the year that I lost my love. I don't think I'm afraid of forgetting, I just don't want to be separated from the year that he knew, that he existed physically in. Does anyone feel what I mean? Having said that, I am currently a shell. I would want nothing more than to rewind or fast forward time, far away from this present moment. Anything than existing in the here and now. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But I also think back to the beginning after I lost him and think how far I have come. Back then it was minute by minute and now I can do day by day. Christmas and a couple of our special anniversaries have come to pass and they didn't sting as much as I had anticipated. The pain is always with me and it seems to have a mind of it's own, dipping and rising on it's own accord. Hoping everyone has a happy new year - things can't get any worse right? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Amily, I get that feeling.....oddly enough, I just started feeling that was a few days ago....realized that this new year will be one without my husband in it with me, and the first of more interminable years without him. I was so caught up in worrying how I'd deal with Christmas, the "new year" did not factor in! So, definitely, you are not alone in this feeling! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Myself, on the other hand, cannot wait to move into 2016 and out of the worst year of my life. But then it will probably hit me Friday morning like the proverbial ton of bricks. I'm reminded of the day I turned in the keys to the apartment we had. It was one massive trigger after another. It was where Deedo spent the last fourteen weeks of her life. I was meeting with my grief counselor prior to turning the keys in and she asked how I felt about it. All I could think of was I want to be rid of the place. I can't go back there. When I turned in the keys it hit me: I was closing the last chapter of Deedo's life. I feel apart right there in the office, crumpling to the floor. So maybe Friday morning I will have another last chapter moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Mitch had a post yesterday that I'm still chuckling about......refers to new day, same sh#t, describing it as Ground Hog Day.....It gets easier and easier, I rehearse the "how are you doing" courtesy's, any unsolicited advice I politely but firmly respond no thanks, and the well meaning friends "arranging or including me" decline with thanks anyway .........same thing over and over......but I find it easier....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Kevin - Glad you are finding it easier. I am too....sometimes...occassionally. Still struggle with finding a way to nicely deal with well meaning ignoramuses who want to fix me. I think you and I are rapidly moving into the: "It's time to move on" stage from others and I for one am not ready for that. The Groundhog Day was a good analogy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 17 hours ago, Amily said: It's nearly a New Year and I am afraid to leave behind the year that I lost my love. I don't think I'm afraid of forgetting, I just don't want to be separated from the year that he knew, that he existed physically in. Does anyone feel what I mean? Hoping everyone has a happy new year - things can't get any worse right? Having gone thru 2015 without Steve and finding it harder and harder, I am not looking forward to another year of this, the rest of my life with this. I know, as Brad said, this will be even more time that people will expect me to be doing better. So that means keeping more of my feelings to myself. I woke up today wanting to yell out to the world I still am in pain. I get so tired of people forgetting or just dodging the subject. One thing I have learned for myself is to never say things can't be any worse. Been thru too many times I have been proven wrong. It's perhaps superstitious on my part, but I never say that anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 I don't want to start another new year without my husband. I want to go back to when he was alive and we were together. I know I can't do this because he is really gone. Memories usually make me cry and feel the pain of loss...grief. I still have trouble facing each day. Doing things in the house is the worst. I try to get out to be with others as much as possible. Or I stay in bed with my little dog watching TV. My cousin is coming to stay with me this weekend. I have a friend coming today to help me clean my house. I go to a small group 'Visioning' workshop on Friday and a support group workshop on Saturday. I won't be alone for the beginning of the new year. That's a good thing! I hope we all get through this as best we can. Thank you all for being there! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 18 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: One thing I have learned for myself is to never say things can't be any worse. Dear Gwen, this is the way I feel,too to do not say it anymore.Everytime I get better,happens something to make me feel worse again.I had those peaceful 4 days at Christmas after 4 years and then has happened something making me feel even worst lately.I started a new job 1 month ago in order to have a less stress than I had really had those 4 years.However the last days I experience a bullying in workplace that I´ve never known in my whole life.It´s bringing me back my health issues I had no longer after my beloved man Jan had died.I try to figure it out while I´m unable to work from today.Every bad thing gets worse my grief,so I´m thankful for the best friends of mine for helping me all along.The most I thank God to light up my life in my hardest times.Now I´m at home,having a peaceful night again,writing these words and feeling much better by all means. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dearest Janka - I am sorry to hear about the bullying at your new job. You don't need that and it is a shame that you have the bullying to deal with on top of losing your darling Jan. You are right that the grief makes everything worse. The painful things in life are exaggerated because of the grief and the wonderful things are so much more muted and dreary because of the grief. I am glad that you are feeling better but hope the bullying get dealt with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 Janka. it is just awful that you have had to endure bullying in the workplace! I hope you will notify this person's superior if it continues! It may be a bit daunting, being relatively new on the job, but sometimes you have to show people right off the bat that you do not intend to take what they assume they can dish out. I surely hope that you will continue to feel better, and that 2016 may be a good year for you, dear. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 Janka, I can't imagine anyone being so heartless as to bully you! You are such a sweet soul! I hope it's not your boss doing it, if it's anyone else, please talk with your boss about it. I hope you feel you can stand up to the person doing it. On my last job, the sales manager from another office of ours called and started screaming at me (it wasn't over anything to do with me) and I just nicely and firmly told him I'd be happy to talk to him when he's calm, and I hung up. The receptionist from another office had the same problem with him and I told her to do the same thing. And I told my boss about it. He always wanted us to tiptoe around him and I said I wasn't going to do it, that it's abuse and I wont stand for it. Sometimes we have to teach people how to treat us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 Janka, I see bullying as a reflection of the person doing it. I hope you keep that in mind. We are also in fragile gates and easy targets for such sad examples of human beings. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 So long as you know you are not deserving of this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 Janka, bullying is so hurtful. You are such a great person and so thoughtful. The bully must be a very sick minded person to bully someone as wonderful as you. Hoping this stops so you can enjoy your new job. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 31, 2015 Report Share Posted December 31, 2015 Janka......WolfsKat's advice or statement is bang on. This persons Supervisor must be made aware of what is going on. The longer it goes on the more it will effect you. The word "harasser' has the worst connotation of all the HR buzz words. This form of harassment /abuse is not acceptable in any workplace .......By definition...an act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 9, 2016 Report Share Posted January 9, 2016 On 30.12.2015 at 11:15 PM, Janka said: Everytime I get better,happens something to make me feel worse again.I had those peaceful 4 days at Christmas after 4 years and then has happened something making me feel even worst lately.I started a new job 1 month ago in order to have a less stress than I had really had those 4 years.However the last days I experience a bullying in workplace that I´ve never known in my whole life.It´s bringing me back my health issues I had no longer after my beloved man Jan had died.I try to figure it out while I´m unable to work from today... Dear friends, it´s been 11 days since I´m not able to work because of those problems at my new job that got worse my health issues I hadn´t long ago.Today happened something to make me feel worse again.I had to withstand many phone calls,messages and e-mails hunting me for comeback,though I told them that I´m very ill and besides waiting for medical rehabilitation that takes 14 days in addition to.Many questions if I want to leave or to stay,that I have to hurry up to come back soon etc.It´s been just 11 days and they treat me like this.I think of what they will be doing later if I stay much longer.It all brought back all of those bad memories in there hurting me very much.I´ve never felt this way in my whole life.I´m feeling such an anxiety and dreading of that comeback that I don´t want to anymore.If I get back there,will be unthinkable for me to stay.I think that I´ll notice to quit.I should do it as well as my dear Margaret said,because it all makes me feel worse than any words can say. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted January 9, 2016 Report Share Posted January 9, 2016 I have never been able to stay at a job I didn't like or where I was treated badly. Fortunately I've always been able to get by somehow. Janka, if your job is making you ill and causes too much mental stress I hope you can leave it. You will be able to find a job that is good for you my prayers are with you. ???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 9, 2016 Report Share Posted January 9, 2016 45 minutes ago, Kpl48 said: I have never been able to stay at a job I didn't like or where I was treated badly. Fortunately I've always been able to get by somehow. Janka, if your job is making you ill and causes too much mental stress I hope you can leave it. You will be able to find a job that is good for you my prayers are with you. ???? Dear Kristine, since I´ve been feeling like this lately,I feel the presence of my beloved Jan all along...every day...I always think of what it does mean and my heart is crying and missing my beloved Jan more than ever.I feel that it´s coming up a change that I try to understand as if he felt that something is going on now in my life and he tries so hard to be near me to walk with me through.I cry these last days a lot,there are so many problems I have to struggle with and I feel so alone now.This forum is my great solace right now,so I´m here almost always.I´m so tired,so sad,so much...There is no one who can understand the way I feel inside as well as you all here...This board is my home where is no emptiness,loneliness and sadness as I feel when I´m at home all alone...Thank you for your kind words helping me through the state I´m in now.You´re the true friend in here and I´m writing these words from the heart. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 Dear Janka, I don't know what to say, just that to me the limit is a job that puts in danger someone's health. If this is the case, you should quit. No job will reward you for loosing your health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 10 minutes ago, scba said: Dear Janka, I don't know what to say, just that to me the limit is a job that puts in danger someone's health. If this is the case, you should quit. No job will reward you for loosing your health. Dear scba, I needed a change but I had no concept of what I´m going to struggle with.It seemed to me a fine place to be,without any stress I had been going through almost 4 years,not so much money as I had really had before,but I needed a peace.I thought to myself that I can stand it the certain period of time to calm down as I was very exhausted after all of those years since my beloved Jan had died.What I can´t stand is such a bullying I´ve been writing about here.No money can be worthy of my health issues I´ll have again if I get back there,because I´m sure that the bullying and intrigues will carry on.The problem is that I need those money very much now,so the only solution I can see now is to find a new job while I´m at home.It shouldn´t be a problem.The last one I found within 1 week,so I must try it again.There is no one to help me through as I have no close family,just best friends of mine I´m thankful for. Thank you for a nice answer!I´d like to know your first name.Can you tell me? Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 I can imagine how stressful and hard thos 4 years have been, alone with no family, but if you believe your problems at work will continue, you can change. Search for a job while you are at home, if you found one so quickly it means you have a good performance in your past working experiences. I dont see how the situation could be improved in your workplace, I mean, if people were bullying before, why would they change? I left a job where I was bullied after 6 months of starting, it put in danger my relationship with my boyfriend and my health. I found a better job later. I was probably lucky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 And may I ask you for your first name,scba? Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 Sure. My name is Ana. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 Well,that sounds any better.Nice to meet you!We also have this name in calendar,but it´s Anna.Pretty name! Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 I like the name Ana too. Is it pronounced ON-A or ANNA? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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