Stress, work, loss, and the future

[david123]

 

 

Hi-  I am a 61 year old man,  and lost my mom who was 92 in September of 2015, five months ago.  From Feb. through September, we (my wife and I) were taking care of her. We moved to L.A. to be nearer to her, and then she became ill.  We had a horrible 7 months and then lost her. So, I find myself in a difficult place with lot's of loss:  loss of previous community, friends, house, surroundings, nature, peace and quiet, work, all in addition to Mom. Towards the end, I became burned-out and over stressed.  I started taking medication In November.  I became anxious and depressed.  It is now several months later, and I still find that I cannot tolerate any stress.  I used to do difficult work, supervise lot's of details, negotiate difficult agreements, and manage a lot of stress.  Now, I can't stand even the thought of having the slightest conflict or responsibility.   I cannot tolerate noise or traffic and am interested in nothing.  I haven't had a sense of humor since before my mom died.  I feel sad and stressed all the time.  I am looking for a good therapist as well as a grief support group.

I have been reading posts on this site for about a month. Sometimes, that is all I have the strength to do, and I feel less like there is 'something wrong with me' when I read others' posts. What prompted me to write today is that I have some responsibilities that I am tending to, and I find myself almost completely incapable of addressing them. Although I am not taking on any projects, I already have some responsibilities hat are ongoing with my work.  I find it almost impossible to care about any of the details that, historically, I paid hours of attention to.  I worked for hours on contracts in the past, and now I avoid even ten minutes of work for days, and when I begin to do it, I find it almost impossible.  Having to focus on these details seems meaningless and futile, and becomes painful.  I avoid paying bills for weeks.  I have little to do, and am almost constantly worrying about the future and what I will do with the rest of my life, as I decided that I did not want to continue with the career that I have successfully pursued for about 30 years.  But, I find that although I think about other possibilities, after I stop thinking about them, I realize that I have absolutely no energy for anything, and zero resilience.  Previously I would have been the last-man-standing.   Now, I can barely stand at all, or I have zero interest in getting involved with anything. At the same time, I am extremely lonely.

I am in a L.A. (Van Nuys area) , but have no friends here, and cannot find one drop-in grief group within a 20 minute drive.  My tolerance for a longer drive is almost zero, as the traffic is heavy and I quickly begin to feel hopeless.   My nerves are so shot that having to deal with traffic is a huge issue, and I'd rather stay home, and then, of course, I get depressed.   When I can't tolerate 1% of the workload or stress that I used to handle, I sometimes become frightened that I will never be able to handle anything again. While I realize that everyone has their own time needs when dealing with grief, it is scary to be 5 months down the road, and still have no tolerance or reserve for any stress.  And, if I take on any responsibility, I get anxious, but if I don't, then I also feel anxious because I am afraid that I will never regain enough strength to function.   I have read enough posts to realize that everyone will respond with the idea that it can take a long time, and everyone grieves at their own pace.   I just don't know that I am even 'grieving'.......  I am not sure what I am going through:  depression, grief, breakdown, or what, and I realize that all of his is probably involved. I am not sure what I am seeking;  I just know that I became anxious today while trying to deal with some work, and it scared me.   At this age, there must be millions of people going through similar things, and yet there is no drop-in grief group around, and it is very difficult to go through this 'alone', even though my wife is very understanding and supportive.  There is so much stress with what I am going through, that she needs a group to go to as someone dealing with a spouse that is having such a hard time.  It is frightening to think that I could  go from having a 'normal' life, to this type of dysfunction.  I know: there will be a 'new normal'.  But it is hard to imagine that I will ever achieve that. Thanks.

 

 

[MartyT]

David, my dear, I am so sorry for all the losses you've endured ~ but I must say that, given what you've gone through these last few months and the sheer magnitude of all you've lost, I'm not surprised that you find yourself in such a state. I understand that you've not found an in-person grief support group close by, but as you say, it is very difficult to go through all of this alone, and I hope you'll keep looking for whatever support your community has to offer. Clearly the accumulation of so much loss is overwhelming you and affecting your ability to function. No matter how understanding and supportive your wife may be, it's important to recognize that at some point your needs may exceed her capacity to help. So whether you find a support group or not, I strongly encourage you to find and meet individually with a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and mourning.

As I've written in Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You, "a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully."  Read on here >>>

 

[kayc]

David,

I am so sorry for your loss, and really, it's losses, because everything about your life has changed.  I'm glad you've been reading here and realize there isn't something "wrong" with you, you have plenty of company.

Could your wife take over paying the bills so at least there's one less thing for you to be responsible for?

I do hope you find a grief counselor that is right for you, and soon.  It's hard to navigate through this without one.

Have you thought about moving back to your previous area so you'd have support?

Working is hard when you are grieving, it's like the brain doesn't want to function like it used to.  When I lost my husband 10 1/2 years ago, I found that to be true.  I retired on my 61st birthday...it wasn't planned, but I was given the pink slip and already knew how hard it is to get a job at that age, at least in my field (Office Mgr & Bkpr), having suffered three job losses since my husband died, during the recession.  It felt like the right thing to do, and even though it's been a financial struggle, I've never regretted it.  All my life I've taken care of everyone else, been super responsible, and finally, at last, I was taking care of ME.  In a way, that's what's needed when we're grieving, and yet somehow we have to find it within us to go to work, pay bills, clean the house, etc., when we least feel up to it.  

Seeing that there are others who have survived this gives hope that just maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  Seeing a grief counselor helps point the way.  I found it helped me to express myself, and not bottle it up.  It helps to get validation for how you're feeling, and just knowing you're not alone and not crazy, that helps.

My mom would have been 94 yesterday, she died 1 1/2 years ago at age 92.  

[Mom's angel]

I lost my mom on Nov 20-2015, she was 42. I know our situation are different but I also feel the same anxiety when I try to study or focus on one thing, the only solution I found out to help me is by studying or focusing on things while sitting next to her large sized picture, I look at her picture often, talk to her picture in the same way I used to talk to her. 

I tell myself that now she has no limits and she'll be with me everywhere I go, I also imaging her standing right next to me whenever I go out for some work. I constantly imaging her presence. This all things have helped me. 

See if you can try some. 

After her death, I travelled for the first time without her,  I was just thinking about her and I closed my eyes to sleep, in some second I didn't even imaging her but I could see her standing next to me, she was looking like an angel and smiling. So I believe she is always, everywhere with me.

Sometimes our beloved show us their presence and sometimes they don't but believe me they are always with us. 

 

 

 

[MartyT]

David, I just happened upon a video that made me think of you. The person speaking is Kelly Farley, a bereaved dad, but his message is really about what happens when you try to manage grief all by yourself. He shares what led him finally to seek professional help. It takes about six minutes to watch, and I hope you'll take the time to hear what he has to say: http://grievingdads.com/2016/02/23/forgotten-footage-by-kelly-farley/

 

[phoenixtag]

David 123-  My mom died last March 24, so the year anniversary is coming up and your post made me reflect on a lot of things.  Only a year ago, it was hospitals, rehabs and group homes.   From my own experience, the people at Hospice were terrific to get you through the grief process, which is different for each individual.  You're not crazy, you're not abnormal and yes....it will get better.   My advice to you is to keep using things like this blog to get out of your head.   Hospice of the Valley here in Arizona, your local churches, etc might have these groups too.   They may even do something online that you attend right from home. And no matter what community you live in, there will be someone else that has gone through the same issues you are right now.  Talking helped me.   You're doing the healthy thing by writing. Prayers to you David.

[hollowheart]

On 2/24/2016 at 7:18 PM, david123 said:

 I find it almost impossible to care about any of the details that, historically, I paid hours of attention to.  I worked for hours on contracts in the past, and now I avoid even ten minutes of work for days, and when I begin to do it, I find it almost impossible.  Having to focus on these details seems meaningless and futile, and becomes painful. 

This is a big part of grief and is basically a snowball effect for creating all of your other feelings and emotions. When the loss is significant it effects everything, especially focus and motivation. You don't necessarily have to be depressed, but just sad. When you're sad you have no drive or determination.

I lost my sister, not my mom and I'm almost 5 months out and can relate to everything you said. I feel exhausted all the time because it takes a big mental and physical effort to want to care about life again. And not just life, but the minute details of work and living become insurmountable.

Can you pay for a grief therapist? Sadly, I don't find much in the way of group therapy hardly anywhere. I'm like you in that traveling a long distance is to much. I did find something but it would be a bit of a trek.

I'm glad you decided to post here. Venting helps. Can you take even a little vacation from work to help?  As far as bills, can you pay them online? Set up automatic bill pay through your bank or credit cards so that they will get paid without you having to do anything?  I also didn't care about bills either for a couple of months, and missed a lot of payments, so I know how you feel there.

[one2counsel]

David-

I am so sorry for all of the loss you have experienced in such a short amount of time.  Our situations are different however I can relate to what you are experiencing.  I lost my father unexpectedly less than two months ago.  I am having difficulty caring about much of anything and struggle to just show up at work.  I am in a management position and have already been stripped of some of my duties because I am no longer "capable".  I can't focus or concentrate and most days are just trying to survive the world. I can't seem to remember anything even if I write it down.  I lose things so easily and can't seem to hold a thought for longer than a few seconds.  I don't leave my house except to go to work and I feel overwhelmed and extremely anxious at the thought of any stressful situation.  I would quit my job if I could but it's not financially possible.  I already take medication for depression and anxiety but it no longer seems to help.  Just know you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Keep writing. Praying for you.

[kayc]

One2counsel,

I'm sorry for your loss as well.  I hope you're seeing a grief counselor.  I understand your job removing some of your duties temporarily but I hope this doesn't have a permanent affect on your job.  I was fortunate to have a wonderful understanding boss that checked my work following my husband's death, knowing my brain was not up to snuff, but he didn't dock me, he was great.  Unfortunately, the business went under a few months later, in the beginning of the recession.

I hope you'll touch base with your doctor and let him know your medication isn't doing it, but perhaps some time with a grief counselor might benefit greatly.

Feeling overwhelmed and anxious seems to come wit the territory, I recall how I felt when my George died.  I was a basket case!

[Ceili]

David - I am so sorry for all of the losses you have endured, especially the loss of your mother. I lost my mom exactly a year ago and am currently struggling with the dreaded one year anniversary. I took care of my mom for about 3 years and after she died became depressed and anxious in addition to feeling the grief. It knocked me out and now at a year, I still feel her loss deeply. Having been a caretaker as you were, I think we lose one of the the greatest purposes in life that we have ever had. The caring for of a beloved parent who had spent their life caring for us. I had quit my job to care for mom and was left with such a hole. I think that produces so much of the anxiety. And for me, anxiety is worse than the depression. Sometimes meditating helps. Sometimes I have to take something. But David, it does ease. Five to six months was an awfully difficult time for me but that did ease up and I began to function again. This year anniversary has really hit me hard, but I hang on to the hope that if I felt better once, I probably will again. And keep in mind, that five months is so early in the grieving process. Keep reaching out. keep coming and sharing here. it helps. And Marty always has helpful things to read. My thoughts are with you.

And try not to isolate. I am notorious for that. It is hard not to though. I understand.

[Ceili]

one2counsel - I am so sorry for the loss of your father and the difficulties you are now facing. As I mentioned above, my mom died after I cared for her for 3 years. I was on antidepressants for a good part of that time and when she died, they weren't working at all. My doctor did change my meds and the new meds did help with the depression. They didn't take my grief away (we need to work through that) but did eventually help me function again. Have you discussed that with your doctor? I think the things you describe, such as bad memory and poor concentration are part of grief for us all. I do however think that suffering depression and grief are different things and having both going on, only makes us less able to remember, concentrate. For awhile in fact, I was so depressed I couldn't grieve. Sounds weird but once the depression lifted a bit, I was able to start working on the loss of my mom. I think that kayc's idea of a counselor is a good one. And try not to be hard on yourself - 2 months into the grief process is so early. My thoughts and prayers are with you.