First Post

[Margm]

I was a child when Billy and I married.  So was he. That is why we called him "Billy  the Kid."  He opened Christmas presents like a little kid.  Always before Christmas he wanted to know "what are you going to get me for Christmas/birthday/Father's Day?  It aggravated me because sometimes the kids could not afford much.  I wish I had not squelched his childish begging.  Everyone enjoyed buying for him.  I was a Grinch.  I do not like getting presents, but with his passing, the fun of the holidays have left us.

I have a new laptop, a Dell, and some of what I typed just disappeared.  Might have posted somewhere else. 

Billy was loved by the whole family.  Nothing he would not do for them.  We never saved money.  They got their inheritance while we lived.  We were looking to finally resume our RVing that we gave up for family and to help raise a granddaughter, (Billy's heart).  One time, our first granddaughter was sick.  The parents bedroom was on the other side of the house.  Billy slept on a quilt on the floor by her baby bed.  He wore out a big old red rocking chair rocking our kids and their kids. 

He cannot and will not be replaced..  We have a couple of friends that shy away from me now.  That does not bother me.  I understand they hear the foot steps creeping up behind them and I am a reminder.  I have way too many friends that are widows.  These are my childhood friends, former coworkers and neighbors.  I have said this before, they tell me it will get easier.  They do not say the pain lessens, but tell me I will learn to live.  And, of course I have the friend who told me that now I can find myself. 

Right now my "stage" is numb.  Numb, dumb, glum.  Like Billy said "the one left must stay."  I don't like it.  I hurt 54 years worth.  But, I am staying, and I am going to try for some measure of happiness.  That will be hard without Billy.  I think sometimes, "WWBD."  What would Billy do?  He would take that RV and deposit it beside some trout stream in some western state.  Unless, like me, it would hurt too bad to go where we went or planned to go.  Oh, he would take my cremains along.

Read Marty's posts.  She has helped me more than any books I have tried to read.  Oh yes, that is another stage, it is hard to concentrate for very long.  Marty puts it to where we can understand it. 

And, as an addendum, this is why I don't have to write in a notebook, I write too much on here.  But a notebook I can go back and read, and if I live five years from now I probably won't be on this forum and do not have to read my word salads.  A notebook will only remind me of the depths of my pain, and I doubt the pain will ever leave, but maybe I will be a happy senile dementia patient.  I might be the one they have to keep running and keeping me out of the old men's beds.  (Yep, my mind will be gone.)  Going, going, gone.

[Patty65]

I will definitely go to the blog and here and read her posts when I am able, but I do see what you mean.  Yes, all of life's little grumbles with our spouses... such a challenge for my heart now.  How stupid they were.  They were not the higher reality of the love we shared.  When Ron was in hospice a friend tried to remind me how stubborn and proud ron could be when he was stalling when the herbal remedies I had made for him, and that he was being too negative when half of fighting cancer is attitude.  I bit her head off.  Even though some of  it was true, I could not and did not want to hear it.  Or now.  My therapist, whom I love dearly, said once recently "don't you remember how annoying ron could be in the jacuzzi when he would talk your ear off?" She said it with a laugh, and I forget what I had said to make her say that. But Out of all the loving, perfect, supportive things she is there for me for, including being by my side at the service, that still rings and hurts.  Those things are so little.  They don't matter.  Those who heard my occasional grumbles, they weren't with us the rest of the time in the deepness of our relationship and love.  And it is beyond words for sharing with friends.

[Patty65]

On 3/23/2016 at 0:09 PM, marsha said:

Please message me - if I can help in any way, I will. Hugs to you - Marsha

Oh wow, Marsha, thank you, I will figure that part of the site out soon and do that...  it would really help to be able to be in touch about all that.  It seems so so impossible right now.  Any problem there I just break down, I need ron to talk to about it so so much.  Even the victories.

[kevin]

Marg, you will still be here in Five years , and hopefully found that Trout stream.....its all catch and release so bring your own lunch. And my crystal ball tells me you will do fine..Happy Easter to All

[kevin]

Not Quite the Ten Commandments but Still Good     

[Margm]

Kevin, we always caught and released.  One time we kept a very big bass I had caught to show my dad.  I forgot about it in getting the kids home.  It appeared again on my birthday mounted with a copper plate of the weight, date, and where it was caught.  #6 above is my biggest problem.  Of course, the 10 commandments were rough for me.  Never killed anyone though.  Thanks for the list.  I wish peace for us all. 

[BillT]

To all of you wonderful sad souls who responded, I offer sincere thanks.  Reading the words of you who are experiencing the same purgatory render a slight ease to a heavy heart.  God bless you all!

 I missed a few days here, having  guests in town.  A blessing, as they both loved my sweet darling.  We attended service at Mary's church.  Lots of tears, even now as I write.  I am now alone again.

Two months my sweet darling Mary Kay has been gone.  She was my everything on this earth.  I am lost, adrift, no destination, no motivation, just existing in a sea of pain, despair and anguish.  

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it.  Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past  withdraws."  -  Author unknown.

The building blocks of the present are pain, despair, anguish and loss. What good can be built on this?

 

 

 

[Guest]

Bill-

Two months is such a short time.  I remember little of the first two months except tears, tears and more tears.  I had no idea the human body could produce so many tears.  Then I found a grief counselor who found a support group, and psychiatrist and directed me here.  Her wisdom saved my life; for what I don't know, but prior to meeting her I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, my Crohn's disease went crazy; I was a mess.  And that was all the first two months.  I look back and I see growth, not on a daily basis nor growth that can be measured weekly but I must look at the long term.  

I do need to challenge one statement: "The building blocks of the present are pain, despair, anguish and loss. What good can be built on this?"  I don't believe that pain, despair and anguish are your building blocks at this time.  I believe they are the emotions that are challenging you and the building blocks are those strengths you possess that will help you find your way through this quagmire we call grief.  You are on a steep learning curve about yourself and your fortitude.  But as I am learning slowly- It does take patience; far more patience than I ever knew I had.  

 

[BillT]

Thank you Brad.  I believe that I understand what you are saying.  It sounds reasonable.  Seems that I am currently finding "reason" to be in short supply in myself at this time.  I will keep trying.

Thanks again Brad, and my best wishes and prayer for you.

Bill

 

 

 

[MartyT]

It warms my heart to see how beautifully we take care of one another on this site.

"If you want to know what lies ahead, ask someone on the way back."

I know that no one here is "done" with grief, and each of us is at a different point in our own journey, but we all have vast experience in traveling this road, and how wonderful it is when we're willing to offer guidance to newcomers as they join us. 

Thank you, Brad, for sharing your hard-won wisdom with BillT ~ and thank you all for being here for one another. ♥

[kayc]

Bill,

I'm glad you had some time with friends that share in missing her.  I shall remember her name as one of my childhood friends was named Mary Kay.  I named my daughter Melissa Kay and my friend Kay named her daughter Mandy Kay...us Kays have to stick together!

Two months may be a short time in the scheme of things, but at the time it seems like the longest two months in the world, when you're grieving.  My heart goes out to you.