First Post

[Patty65]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Patty.  It has been almost 4 weeks since I have lost my husband Ron, and it has been 9 days since his service.  I am 50, he was 56. I don't know if this is the right spot for introductions. 10 years ago, we met on eHarmony, instant love, a wedding after 4 months, and he moved to Maui to be with me.  We were the best team in the world.  Almost 4 years ago, we started a business together, a pasta shop and take-out Italian place. Just a few months ago we were so happy and busy.  Two years ago, he had a melanoma mole removed on his back, and a PET scan with clear results.  Then, last fall, he got a lump under his arm, and by Christmas, it was all over his body.  By the end of January he was in the hospital, it had gone to his brain and lungs, and 23 days later, after living in a Hospice House with him, and trying to care for him and trying to hold onto the business with just me, he passed away.  I hate every expression there is for death.  Nothing is right. Nothing describes it adequately.  

I have no family on Maui with me.  Our daughter, who is away at college, and sister, just left.  I have one good friend and an amazing therapist I've known for 20 years.  That is my support system.  Except my therapist will be having knee replacement surgery April 4, so she will be out of commission for a while. But Ron was my everything.  We'd spend every day working together and strategizing the business together, he was the business side of the business, I was the culinary side.  The community has been amazing in supporting the business during this ultimate nightmare, but all that is fading.  But my car and business delivery vehicle was stolen from in front of Hospice just a few days before he passed, and I still don't have it back. My pain is completely overwhelming, the empty house, my best friend gone, a business to run by myself, a house I may lose, and trying to get our daughter through her last year of college financially - Ron had the credit to get loans, I do not.

Everyone tells me how strong I am, and how I can get through this.  I don't believe them.  I'm now the boss with a business to save, and all I want to do is crawl under a rock.  I didn't even know this much pain could exist.  And the numb (which feels like a betrayal to Ron) and the blur of the last 2 months, and the trauma of watching him go, and trying to save him, I didn't give up hope until about two days before.  Ten people will lose their job if I lose our business, and our dream and now Ron's legacy will be gone and every penny of our savings is in the business too, I'd have nothing.  I know I need help with the business.  But the thought of another "partner" is insanely impossible when all I want is my love back, my life back.  We were so perfect together.  A whirlwind of happy for 10 years.

I am coming here to find support and people who understand -- I sure don't.  I have no idea what is to come.  Thanks for listening.

Patty

[BillT]

Patty65,

This post is my first on this board also.  Just registered yesterday, but have spent hours reading here.  Because of my reading posts hour after hour here, I am suggesting to you that you have come to a good place. 

I lost the love of my life seven weeks ago.  We too have a business, and I really do not want anything to do with it at this time, but shan't let it go because of all the memories of us working together to build it.  I have hired help to do what I used to.  My participation is now limited to decision making.  

Your story sounds much like mine.  My heart goes out to you and I pray that you can find your way not day by day but minute by minute.  This is hell what we are going through.  An exerpt from my journal today:

Another day.  Starting feeling exhausted (the new "normal").  A deep sadness has permeated my soul.  This pain hurts so bad, crashing in without warning, ripping at my heart.  I moan and wail and cry.  Exhaustion and numbness set in, and then the pain comes crashing back again. Over and over and over and....

Prayers and love to you Patty65.

 

 

[scba]

Dear Patty and Bill,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your spouses. I have lost the love of my life, my boyfriend, a year and a half ago due to illness. I then lost everything, my old self, my old life, my place in the world. It is hell, yes, it is heartbeaking, it is a roller coaster, it is painful. We all grieve differently, as you may have noticed. But you are not alone. You will feel alone, but you are not. This is a site full of caring, understanding and compassionate people. You are very early in your grief so my advise is: one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. I'm sorry for not being able to offer practical advise on what to do/deal with your business. I didn't run a shop but after my BF died I left my job, the apartment and the city we lived and came back to my home town, closer to family. They have been my source to survive, plus this site, plus going to therapy.

I hope you will continue to come here to read or to post. Whatever works for you.

Ana

 

[Patty65]

5 hours ago, BillT said:

 

Another day.  Starting feeling exhausted (the new "normal").  A deep sadness has permeated my soul.  This pain hurts so bad, crashing in without warning, ripping at my heart.  I moan and wail and cry.  Exhaustion and numbness set in, and then the pain comes crashing back again. Over and over and over and....

 

 

Hi Bill,

Thanks for writing and sharing your journal. Oh the crashing without warning.  Yesterday night I stayed at a friends house, watched a movie that was too hard, even though not about anything related, and in the morning, we went across the street to resize Ron's wedding ring, so I wouldn't lose it in the kitchen.  OMG what a mistake.  It's no longer Ron's, he shined it up so much, and I could not utter a word, and I raced home hysterical, pulled the curtains, and called work and told them I could not be there.  So needy and alone and devastated and sobbing.  I need him so badly and I can't lose one more thing.

I am so sorry for your loss too. The numb-to-crashing is so intense, I understand.

Patty

[Patty65]

Thank you Ana, Yes, one minute, sometimes one second at a time.  I do feel the caring here. I'm glad you are near family now, I thought being with my family for  a week would be hard, but it wasn't and it was so hard to see them go.  Was it hard to leave your place?  I may have to.

Patty

[Guest]

Patty and Bill,

I am so sorry you both have need to be here.  I would not wish this pain on anyone.  You are both so early into grief.  The changes you are facing are overwhelming.  I lost my wife of thirty-seven years after a seventeen month battle with lung cancer.  That was nearly eight months ago.  I recommend finding and building a strong support sysetm of people who do know what you are going through.  This place is a good start but I would also look into face to face support groups and a grief therapist.  I was fortunate enough to have the resources of Hospice of the Valley at my disposal.  If they are in your communities that is a good place to start.  It has been mentioned frequently that grief will rewrite your contacts list.  You will find (if you haven't already) that people who have not experienced this kind of loss cannot begin to understand.  While I have some caring neighbors, there are few people outside my psychiatrist, my grief counselor, my support group and here where I can deal openly and honestly with my grief.  My kids mean well but we are in different places with our grief and the discussions are rare.  

The sadness, the pain, the exhaustion, the sense of insanity, the depression, the lack of sleep and appetite, are all our constant companions now.  People tell me it will get better and if I am honest looking back at last fall I can see I am making progress but not enough to where here I am at 11:00 still unshowered and in my pjs.  

Again I am so sorry you both of your spouses have died.  I almost said that: "you have both lost your spouses" but I know I have not misplaced my Deedo; she died.  I have to keep repeating that to myself.  It still feels amazingly surreal.  Best wishes as you progress through your grief and know that here there are many of us who have gone and are going through what you are experiencing and are more than happy to offer hugs and hand holding if only of the cyber kind.

[Margm]

Patty and Bill, all you have to do is read.  I just held the heavy wooden urn and talked to Billy.  My path is trying to find my faith.  That is not the path others seek.  Some do, and find a semblance of peace, but nothing covers this pain. We cannot sugar coat it.  We can scream, we can cry until we cannot breath.  I will admit, in the first month I had a plan to drive into the vast national forest that surrounds our house.  I was going to have enough identification that my loved ones did not have to identify my body.  I had 50 morphine pills left.  I lashed out in anger at a family member and I am lucky to not be in an institution.  I could not stand the pain.  

Can I call my position lucky?  In the long run, maybe.  I do not want to hurt my family any worse than they already are.  I lost a great man.  They lost the world's best father and grandfather. Also, I am not sure if my belief is right, or if any is right, and I want the feeling I will be with Billy when I go.

Okay, this is just me.  There are a lot more experienced, more intelligent than I am.  I am retired, I don't have to worry about working and I have enough to live comfortable.  But I can live comfortable in a 10 X 10 room.  Plenty of lunch meat, bread, Miracle Whip, V8 Diet Fruit drinks and Healthy Choice frozen dinners, plus Boost and Ensure.  Your immediate memory is gone, the anger and guilt sets in.  People get insentive to your grief.  At my stage I am numb and I welcome it.  Then I have mind bending guilt, and I have anger.

You are in the right place.  I hate the saying of "misery loves company."  It is an old saying that goes back to even Sophocles( c. 408 b.c.) Fellow sufferers make unhappiness easier to bear.  I think in this case, it means we all walk the same path, only breaking away to the other path that "helps" you the most.  I joined at three days.  Billy has been gone five months.  We are all trying to survive something that companies, work places. give you 2-3 days to "get over it.  Yeah, like that is going to happen. 

I cannot look at couples with envy.  I look at them with the knowledge one is going to suffer this unbearable pain.  I look in their eyes and I am a reminder that it will happen.  If they avoid me, I understand.

We wish you did not have to be here, but you will find Marty gives us lessons that makes us understand we are not crazy. (The verdict is still not decided yet on me.)

[kayc]

Patty,

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband passed when he was barely 51, I was 52.  In the early days/months, I didn't know how I'd survive that day, let alone the rest of my life!  I still don't know about "the rest of my life", it's too much to look at, but I've learned to take a day at a time and one foot in front of the other.  That was nearly 11 years ago.  I've since learned to live alone, make decisions by myself, prioritize, but this wasn't my preference, and not a day goes by but what George is in my heart and on my mind.

I wish you the best in saving your business and I hope you get your delivery vehicle back soon!  Hopefully insurance will come through on it?

This is a good place to be, a place to let it all out and know you're heard and understood.  It saved my life.

[brat#2]

Patty and Bill

I too am so sorry you are in the need of this forum.  I lost my husband of 33 years a little over 8 months ago and I joined this forum last month.  It has been wonderful in helping me understand my feelings, in making me understand that I'm not alone and in making me understand that I'm not going crazy through this grief.  As have been stated, it is very intense, difficult, exhausting, but doing one day at a time, one moment at time is all we can do and I do wish I had some great words of wisdom to help us all get through it.  Keep coming back and it will definitely help.

Joyce

[kayc]

Bill,

I am so sorry you also lost the love of your life.  I'm glad you found your way here though, you will be heard and understood and we're all here to walk through this together, one day at a time.  Pain, numbness, you name it, all of these feelings are normal in this.

[iheartm]

Bill and Patty.

I am sorry that you have to be here and we have to meet this way. I lost my husband in December very suddenly after a short hospital stay. It was one minute he was here, then he was gone. I had no warning and my last words to him were "I'll be right back."

The road you have just stepped on will be very difficult. The people here are great. The best thing is that every single thing that you post here will be something that someone here has either gone through or is going through now. It makes you feel less alone to know that when you are losing it, you can open up a browser and come here. I know that does you no good now, but if you are like me, you will find yourself feeling a small bit of comfort to know that at any hour of the day, this board is here waiting to support you, let you vent, scream, cry, whatever.

 

[scba]

4 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Thank you Ana, Yes, one minute, sometimes one second at a time.  I do feel the caring here. I'm glad you are near family now, I thoughting with my family foeek would be hard, but it wasn't and it was so hard to see them go.  Was it hard to leave your place?  I may have to.

Patty

Dear Patty, It was the hardest thing I did afterwards. I was an emotional mess and I stopped eating, I took pills to sleep. Mum took a plane and brought me back to her home. She saved her daughter. I will never forget the moment I left my apartment for the last time, nor the aiport farewell. I wanted to

Die Right there. It didn't happen. I was 35 years old, my parents are young,my brothers too. My larger family organized everything for my return. Mum was not going to leave me there. I spent 6 months in her couch watching tv, crying and caring for nothing, being numb. Little by little I left the couch.

Although I knew it was not possible to stay where I was, there is no single day that I miss our place, our lives, i can see the kitchen, the living room, so clear in my mind. There is the say that significant decissions should not be made during the first year, but this is my story. It is how it went. 

I carry with me a giant wound. But I am doing what I can to put one feet in front of the other one. I am very hard on myself, I am still learning to be kind with myself.

 

 

[iPraiseHim]

Welcome Patti & BillT,

As I read your real life stories of pain and loss it reminds me of what brings and keeps our group together.  We are joined by grief that few other people truly understand.  Although I had a meltdown today, I still check in periodically to gave support, comfort and prayer. Please continue to come back and share as you are able.  This group has helped me in so many ways to get through this a moment at a time.  You are not alone or crazy.  It is a part of the grief we share for our loved ones.  I'm hoping tomorrow wil be a new day with new mercies.  Shalom

[Gwenivere]

5 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

 I'm hoping tomorrow wil be a new day with new mercies.  Shalom

I echo everyone else's welcome to the group no one wants to belong to, but thank heaven we have each other.  I don't know what I would do without the caring I have found here and I hope it helps you both as well.  

George......I love that sentence you wrote.  Not miracles, not freedom from our pain, all those things we have come to find do not happen overnight.  But mercy.....what a wonderful word in context of what we are going thru.  

[kevin]

First good thing I did to really help me out was finding this Forum......Unbelievable openness , compassion, and we get it. Everyone suffers differently but this journey changes direction in a heartbeat.   The only tip I can give you Pat and Bill, is keep an eye on your own Health , Particularly nutrition and rest,,,,God Bless....... Kevin 

[Patty65]

2 hours ago, kevin said:

The only tip I can give you Pat and Bill, is keep an eye on your own Health , Particularly nutrition and rest,,,,God Bless....... Kevin 

Thank you everyone, and Kevin... boy those are tough ones... nutrition and rest.  I can't seem to do either of those things.  The only saving grace is that we own a food business.  Or I do I guess :,(  and my staff keeps "asking" me to taste things cus they know I'm struggling and haven't been eating.  So I have a few bites a day.  And a friend who is relentless about making sure I have water.

Patty

[Patty65]

6 hours ago, scba said:

I am very hard on myself, I am still learning to be kind with myself.

Hi Ana,

I had to stop reading here in the day when I was at work.  To keep the numb in place, but then it didn't work anyway.  Today two employees decided to have a big argument.  Ron always handled those for me, I was never good at that, so stressful, and I shut down.  That was before he was gone  Today I was literally trembling but I did manage to make it to the bathroom before sobbing.  What was I thinking that I hoped to keep the business going??  I am so hard on myself too.  I wonder if others turn the anger part of grief inward at themselves.  I feel it so so strongly, from everything I did to everything I'm doing.

Patty

[Patty65]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

  I had 50 morphine pills left.  I lashed out in anger at a family member and I am lucky to not be in an institution.  I could not stand the pain.  

I so relate, Marg.  A couple of weeks ago when it was I think the weekend after - a complete blur - I at least told my therapist that I had a lethal dose of oxycodone.  She helped me flush them.  I couldn't possibly do that to our daughter, but oh I wanted to.  I don't want this path. 

Thank you, Patty

[Patty65]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

I wish you the best in saving your business and I hope you get your delivery vehicle back soon!  Hopefully insurance will come through on it?

Thanks Kayc, They found the vehicle the day before Ron died. I no longer cared.  But I do want it back -- I am driving Ron's giant truck now, and there's so many memories I usually end up wherever I'm going in tears.  My vehicle, with $3K of damage (covered by insurance), will be back in a few more weeks.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Patty and Bill,

I am so sorry for your losses. I found this site about 2 months after my husband, Mark died unexpectedly from a heart attack at 53 on December 4, 2014. Never thought I would be a widow at the age of 53....actually 52 when he died.  I have just have begun coming out of the fog.  All I can say is take things one moment at a time....rest when you can and as often as you can.  Grief and all that it entails is exhausting.  I manage to go along pretty good for about 3 weeks, then I begin to feel my energy completely wane and my attention goes out the door; not that it is that great to begin with anymore.  We were only married for a little over 5 years.  We, too, met online and it was the first marriage for both of us.  He was my very best friend.  We were serious homebodies and spent all our free time together.  I still feel like a huge part of me was ripped away and trying to figure out who I am again is so difficult.  I want my old life back as it was...but I know I can't have that and it just really makes living hard.  I have three dogs who occupy a lot of my time and give me lots of unconditional love.  There are so many caring people here; people who have been where you are and who can give you hope that one day you will be able to breathe.

[marsha]

Patty, I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know if this will be of help, but since I was in a similar situation, I thought I'd share my story. Joe & I owned and ran a deli for 7 years before, like your husband, cancer hit. And it was very fast, only 4 months before he died. Trust me when I say I felt every emotion you've described....and some I never heard of, seriously. The bottom had fallen out of the economy (2008) and I was stuck. I had to take on both of our roles (he was the baker & full time partner, I prepped, also worked full time at the shop, and did payroll & taxes). I leaned heavily on my purveyors (I had a couple I trusted implicitly), delegated more to my employees (also the ones I trusted) and cut back the hours the shop was opened. I also cut out wholesale after 6 months. I did whatever I had to do to be able to run it on my own. i will also say this - that first summer (he died July 4th weekend, and we're in a resort area), I stayed open 7 days a week - I worked 112 days straight, mainly because I was afraid of down time. Don't do this!! 

Patty - I did it, and I continued doing it for 7 more years, by myself - and I'm glad that I did. You may decide to get out of your business, but for right now, try to hang in there. It is truly doable. And, btw, my customers adapted to the changed schedule - they got it. Hell, they had to get it, they had no choice! Please message me - if I can help in any way, I will. Hugs to you - Marsha

[Cookie]

Patty and Bill:  I am also pained by reading your stories.  But, I see myself in them and everyone else.  Ii's been 9 months and, like Brad, pain, sadness, insanity are my constant companions.  I do have times of distraction where I'm not having the heavy feelings, but they are always in the background.  Everyone does say that this will pass.  I met a widow here who lost her husband over 2 years ago and she is just starting to find some peace, so I know it's possible, but such a long time possibly.  It is hard to deal with....hugs to every one of you.  Warmly Cookie

[kayc]

I wouldn't say it'll pass, but we learn to incorporate it all into our lives.  I carry it with me and that's the thing people don't realize, I don't always show it, but it's always there.

[Gwenivere]

I just talked about this with a friend last night.  The loss will never leave me.  It will always be there no matter how much time passes.  The most we can hope for is the pain lessening.  When you think about it logically (hard to do, I know), how could something this big ever be totally resolved?  It was a part of our essential being.  We built a life on it.  Whatever life we find for ourselves now will never be as good.  It can't be.  And that I when the tears and loneliness set in right now for me.  I know even 10 years from now there will be tears.  It's just too big to get over like losing something tangible.

[brat#2]

Gwen

You are so right, I know I will never get over this.  Dale was my life and now I'm only a half of a whole.  Just hope that with time, the pain will not be as strong and I can remember him without tears.

Joyce