car is back and i don't want it

[Patty65]

so alone, need someplace to connect.  it's week 7 and its only getting worse.  i have to run the business, or i lose it, and everything, and the us that started it, it seems. having to do ron's job now, i have to deliver to the area of the island, the west side, that is one big long cliff drive with hotels on the other side. hotels we stayed in all the time, the hotel we first stayed in when we met. our getaway. now i have to deliver pasta there every triday.

driving out, i have a knot in my throat. i go and deliver to people who give me their condolences and ask how i am. i barely make it out of the last delivery without tears, and on the drive home i'm - every time - sobbing uncontrollably on a dangerous road, and wanting to drive off the cliffs. today was the worst.

during the last week that ron was in hospice, my car, my delivery vehicle and personal car, was stolen from in front of hospice. i was more than devastated, it was my respite between hospice and work, my safe place.  it was found the day before he died.  But there was so much damage that almost 8 weeks later it is finally ready today.   i could barely already go a few minutes without crying (at work) and the car just drove me to a new level of (???) misery i dont know. when i saw it, it was not my respite. it was all those memories of the final days, the racing back and forth, the him who was still here. i don't want it anymore. i don't want anything.

i just don't know how to go on with all this pain and my eyes are just on fire but the tears and swelling just won't stop.

thank you for listening.

[kayc]

I guess there's a reason I can't sleep.  You need a hug!  (((hugs)))  I'm glad you didn't drive off the cliff or wreck.  I know what it's like, driving a dangerous highway with tears pouring down my cheeks until I have to pull over, I don't want to hurt someone else.

It's all so emotional, trying to meander through this, having the car stolen, getting it back.  This is a really fragile time for you, everything can set you off.  It will get better, I know you don't see it now and probably don't believe me.

I had a shock today...I thought I'd get $1100-$1200 in social security and found out they deduct 2/3 of my pension plus $1 for every $2 over a certain amount so all I'll get is $240.  I won't have enough to make ends meet and with my eyes like they are, I can't go back to commuting to a job.  Don't know what I'll do.  Praying I think of something.

Sometimes life is just plain hard, isn't it.  Yet somehow we do get through it.  Put some ice cubes on your eyes and lie down, tea bags work for the swelling too, black tea.

[Patty65]

praying you come up with something too kayc...  from getting to know you here even in this short time, i truly believe the answer will come. thank you for the hug, very seriously, i needed it and it helped so much even virtually. maybe someday i'll cry less, but 'better' no. im not good at alone, im not good at taking care of myself. i'm good at taking care of my family which ironically meant i had to take care of myself too. 

before i met ron, i couldn't imagine true happiness. and then i had it. and now its gone again.  like the awakenings movie.

[kayc]

I haven't watched that, but I know what you mean...it took our lifetime to find each other (in our 40s) and he was gone all too soon.  It was the happiest time of our lives.  Now it's a struggle to just survive.  Funny how strong the will is to live, even when you don't think you have much to live for and it gets old trying.  My mom was widowed for 32 years before she passed, I never wanted that but it looks like it'll probably be 40 years for me the way we live into our 90s.  

Take care of your eyes so they feel better, even a cold washcloth over them.  I hope you can sleep tonight.

[mittam99]

5 hours ago, Patty65 said:

 

driving out, i have a knot in my throat. i go and deliver to people who give me their condolences and ask how i am. 

 

Patty, this for me was one of the hardest things to deal with. I work in a business where I have hundreds of customers. I dreaded each time a customer gave me their condolences or asked how I was doing.

And there was a couple reasons for it. One, I went back to work to occupy my time and my mind with something other than my misery. And every time someone asked where I had been my emotions and my mind were taken back to the day Tammy died. After that, I pretty much was useless for the next hour or so. Two, (and this is universal) although people meant well, their words didn't help. "She's in a better place" or "time heals all wounds", etc. Early in my grief I just didn't want to hear it.

I know how hard this new world is. How hard it is to live without your soul mate by your side. How nothing seems to have meaning.  How you long for your old life. 

Keep posting at the forum, it will help. We can offer you a virtual shoulder to cry on and the wisdom garnered from our own grief journeys.

Oh, and here's a great big virtual hug.(((((HUG)))))

Mitch

[Guest]

I found condolences, especially early on to be a challenge as well.  Being a teacher in a small town, I could not go to Walmart without running into dozens of ex-students, most of whom wished to let me know how sorry they were for me.  Needless to say I don't shop at Walmart anymore unless I absolutely have to and then it is early in the morning when few people are there.  

11 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Two, (and this is universal) although people meant well, their words didn't help. "She's in a better place" or "time heals all wounds", etc. Early in my grief I just didn't want to hear it.

Platitudes still offend.  I know that people mean well as well BUT do they really know what they are saying?  I don't know that I'll ever reach a point where these well meant but thoughtless comments don't offend.  I know I am too sensitive regarding them and maybe someday I'll be able to file them away in the same place I file most political and religious comments.

And Patty - yes someday you will cry less.  This I know from experience.  The tears will remain just below the surface but they will not bubble (or blubber) forth quite as freely.  I am glad you got your car back albeit as damaged as it was.  I've always seem vehicles as a necessary evil. 

Here's more cyberhugs and some cyber-ice for your eyes.  

[BillT]

Patty65,

Prayer to you.  Reading your post, I share similar feelings.  I am at week 10 since my Sweet Love passed.  What we are going through is Hell.  I have no answers but want you to know we are together in spirit because of our pain.  I will share that yesterday I had a better day - fewer grief ambushes, a short period where I felt like doing simple chores.  Alas, today is back to Hell.  

 

Prayers to all....

 

 

 

[Margm]

Bill, every Saturday I would count off another week.  Then I quit counting weeks, but the `17th of the month came around, and this one will be six months.  And I still feel like I just saw him ten minutes ago, he should be sitting in his place on the couch where he always sat.  my year only has 11 months in it.  I will never recognize October.  Now, I will give out candy on Halloween, but that is October 31st, and the next day begins my year again.  I don't have to make sense.  Never made a whole lot of sense, but now I have a reason.  

[Patty65]

On 4/13/2016 at 3:28 PM, Marg M said:

every Saturday I would count off another week.  Then I quit counting weeks, but the `17th of the month came around, and this one will be six months.  

Dear Marg,

I have not been here much since the day after I posted this.  One bad thing after another.  I'm still counting weeks, every Tuesday.  We just passed 7.  Coming up on 2 months, and May 11th is the day we opened our store a year ago.  Don't know how I will survive that.  But I wanted to know that I will be thinking of you on Sunday.

Patty

[Margm]

Patty, I cannot call any of our life lately luck, but I am old enough to be retired twice.  So, I do not carry around the problems you young ones do.  This has to be a most terrible time for you.  I just don't know how I could handle things.  At my age I wanted to find a hole and just crawl in it, and I figuratively did do that for weeks.  But you, my young friend, you cannot hide and for that I am so sorry.  You have so much on your young shoulders.  I hope you have someone working with you that you can trust, someone that can help carry the load.  My friend was afraid I would be taken advantage of at the place I got my truck fixed.  Being older, and being a widow, I find out that there might be some people that will try to take advantage of you, but most bend over backwards to try to carry stuff and do things to help.  You did say "one bad thing after another" and that does not sound good at all.  I hope you have a small time for peace my friend.  Let us know.  I am glad your back on.  

[scba]

Dear Patty, I'm not very good at writing today, but I wanted to send you a hug. I have already been through the firsts, somehow I survived them.

 

[Patty65]

Thank you for the hug -- scba and all the hugs here.  With my therapist, I found myself hugging myself, so alone, and then I thought of everyone here.  So I got all your hugs. And I so needed them.  Thank you.

[Patty65]

Thank you Marg for opening the door to give me the courage to share again.

I've made amends with my car.  It is now again my respite between a nearly failing business and a house that was once a home.  And on the cliff drive from the west side today, when I started to fall apart, I called my daughter on the East Coast at college, and asked her about her life. I let myself distract.  I guess those are small victories? At least non-failures.  I'm sitting  at work, been here 15 hours, and don't want to go back to the house.  I'm having intrusive memories of the ugly last hours and minutes there.  Not sleeping. 

Every day I'm at the business. On Sunday, one of the employees answered the business phone, and it was for me.  "This is Patty, how can I help you?"  "Patricia, this is Adrian."  "Adrian...??"  "Ron's son."  I ran to my office.  Ron has two sons.  And an ex-wife whom he divorced over 15 years ago.  It was not pretty, and the ex poisoned the sons against Ron, his mother and family.  Nasty things that I witnessed too in the early days.  Adrian wanted to know exactly what happened.  And wanted to know what he could have of his dad's.  Ron always protected me from the harshness of his family.  When I told Adrian what happened, I started to cry.  I apologized, and said it was still hard. "Well it's hard for me too, I'm his SON!" Although in 10 years, he contacted Ron once, and did not give him a phone number to be in touch. The mother refused to give any number too, even though court ordered on Ron's request.  But I regretted all the lack of contact so much.  I told him his father loved him, and wanted to be in contact with him.  I thought of all the things poor Ron must have been thinking about and regretted and wanted to resolve as he laid there dying all those weeks.  And I was not even close to functioning that day. I went and hid and cried.

Two days later, same thing happens, I'm handed the phone again.  "This is Chris."  The other son.  This time, a Tuesday, I'm a half hour away from a giant delivery to a new, lucrative restaurant customer.  Chris was closer to his dad growing up, and 6 years older.  He had stayed with us once, right before I had my kidney cancer surgery 9 years ago.  He was a wild, rebellious teen.  One minute loving, the next saying nasty things, and especially about me, since I had replaced his mom, I imagine.  Ron didn't let him stay  long after a myriad of disrespectful things he did.

But it tore Ron up.  He hoped one day they would be old enough and on their own, and we could all be a family again.  But until Ron saw that in him, and Chris apologized to me, he distrusted them.  His ex would pull any string to get Ron to give her money.  She had said nasty lies to them about their father.  But Chris now - he's no longer an angry teen.  He told me that he just had a daughter.  Ron would have been a granddad and he never knew. "Maybe when he grows up and has a family of his own..." Ron used to say.  Chris told me how much he loved his dad.  How he taught him everything he knows, that his profession now is because of everything his dad taught him.  How intelligent and sharp he was.  How much fighting there was at home when he was young, and how mean his mom was. How he was in the middle. I told him I know he was just rebelling after a divorce, all children do.  I told him, sobbing, that Ron had regrets, and loved him, and hoped for a relationship with him one day.  Chris said, yes, we all have regrets... but he just wanted a family.  He wants me in his daughter's life.

The people close to me told me, you don't have to let them in, all that craziness.  It's what Ron was outrunning, he started a new, peaceful, happy life with me, and I with him. He was the most amazing father to my daughter since she was 11.  I had come from my own unhappiness when I found him, too.  So strong, our bond.  And what my friends and sister said just made me cry harder.  His children are part of him, I cried... and so they are part of me... Chris wants me as part of his family.  He's in California.  He wants to visit here often.  But he's a father, he's married, he wants family.  He can't find it in his mother or brother (on drugs, and still living with his mom).

Why oh why oh why. So much pain, manifesting in my body and my sobbing is so overwhelming when I'm not at work, and even when I'm here sometimes.  All we could have had and rekindled with his kids, it was what I wanted...  I tried to bring the kids back in to our lives, to help Ron understand -- but he was so weary of it all... But they're kids I used to say... but they are disrespectful to you, that's not how I raised them! He'd say.  He was trying to protect me. And wait until the mom was less influential and destructive. And now he is gone.  And now is when he was waiting for, his family, his children back. Even a grandchild.  It just destroys my heart.  It is so so so unfair.  There is not a day since this all happened that I sobbed and cried as much as I did after the call with Chris.

I had therapy two nights in a row this week. About the sons, and about the intrusive images. I know I'm doing too much with trying to save the business in the middle of this pain. But I don't feel like I have a choice, it's the only way to survive. (???)  So, I slipped away from here for a week.  But today, I don't want to leave here.  Something here helps me hold on.

Thanks for listening. Again.

Patty

 

[kayc]

Oh Patty, you are going through so much!  I'm glad Chris called you and told you what he did.  George's ex kept his kids from him growing up, and he searched and searched for them.  Finally found them and his daughter got to know him, but his son didn't want anything to do with him, said his stepdad was his father (even though he'd died).  His daughter called him "dad" for the first time and told him she loved him the night before he died, right after he'd found out what shape his heart was in and he was reeling from knowing he probably wouldn't make it.  His son never did.  I've since learned his son cared more than he let on, but George isn't here to learn it.  He has grandkids he never got to know, although he learned of one before he passed.  

I don't know how you're keeping going with the business, but perhaps it is a distraction.  I just pray for strength for you, I know you must feel exhausted & needing sleep.  And I remember how that lack of sleep felt in my first year, it's hard to function.

I only hope Adrian softens as he matures and something changes with him.  

Wishing for some respite & peace for you...

[Margm]

I would like to say I grew up in a nurturing family, and maybe I did in its own way.  My mom and dad fussed constantly about money.  Daddy liked to spend what he made, Mama liked to save.  Tithing came under a new heading later.  Daddy gave a 10th of what he made to the church, Mama was a good Christian, but she believed charity began at home, so they had separate bank accounts.  Billy and I fussed over a lot of things over 54 years, but never about money.  But, my son lost his family to the west coast and a man that was able to give his ex-wife the things my son could not.  We lost our grandchildren and it was like death grieving for them, and for things beyond grandparents control at that time, we could do nothing.  Unfortunately, our son could/would do nothing either.  So, now 30 years later we meet our great grandchildren, or at least I do, Billy had passed.  My emotions could not be compromised.  It was never the children's fault, but too many years, too many miles had gone by. We were "allowed" to keep our grandson when he was in the 11th grade, as long as he checked in with a  probation officer.  Now he is back on the west coast somewhere, my son has gone out to try to "save" him so many times, but those years of not being there, having an Air Force Sargent for a strict stepfather, all those years were lost.  Now he is over 30 and is lost too.  You lose years, you lose touch, you get blamed for not being there.  There is enough blame to go around for this situation, but nothing can be done now.  Even when he is arrested, the police won't keep him.  Very sad.  It stays with people/grown kids for life.  My son and his daughter are close.  Right now, I am close to no one really.  My emotions are compromised.  I don't know that they ever will be the same again.  Too much water has gone under a bridge that is shaky at best.

I feel sorry for these families torn apart.  Right now though, I feel like that person in olden days going through that punishment of arms and legs being pulled four different ways until something tears away.  So, I come to this forum.  I see people that have no one.  And, I see one or two like "iheart" who says she has no one at all, no support system, no one who will give her solace.  She is hurting and she needs help.  Billy had a dog once, one that was from a fine line of whatever they call the dog's lineage.  This was a Chesapeake Retriever.  Beautiful, supposedly smart.  He would do anything Billy told him to do. Training hunting dogs was one of Billy's hobbies.  He was never mean or cruel.   But, Billy put his dog bowl down one time and Chessy mauled his hand and arm.  I would have to take a hair spray bottle with me if I even went in the back yard.  Then,  he took the can away from me.  This beautiful dog could never be trained to be kind.  He was not supposed to be a fighting dog, but this particular dog was vicious.  Billy gave him away, and from there I don't know what happened.  He wanted to be fed, he wanted love, but would not accept it.   

Sometimes I think humans are a lot like animals.  They want comfort, but some do not know how to accept it and maul an innocent bystander.  They hurt and need our help, but they have to accept it.  Death is not a kind trainer.  It has beat us all down to where we crawl for help, we beg for help, but we have to be willing to sometimes just be quiet and read.

Honestly folks, when I am around people I don't do as much talking as I do writing.  I promise.  

[kayc]

Margaret,

My sister & BIL had a Chesapeake Bay Retriever, Willy, and he was wonderful!  Beautiful dog.  BIG dog!  Wonderful for retrieving birds when hunting them.  After Willie died, they got Sam.and Sam was different.  One day he bit my BIL's lip so bad it was almost completely torn off.  They had Sam put to sleep immediately, they didn't want to chance it with anyone else.  If Sam would do that to his owner for no apparent reason, who knows what he'd do to a stranger!

I'd hate to think people are like that, but from some of the things we see on the news...maybe some.  It'd make an interesting thesis, heck, the gov't has probably already funded a study on it.

[Margm]

We never had a vicious dog, just that one.  I want to think people can accept love and kindness, but who is to know, maybe somewhere in their DNA is violence and terror.  Certainly part of the world is subject to this.  I still worry about Debbi from Brussels.  I hope she is okay.

[kayc]

I think things are going okay in Brussels.  My sister's SIL lives there, they were where the bomb went off just minutes before it happened.  Rita's still living there, she was going to sell her house but I suppose this will make it harder to sell.

[Guest]

Since there has been such silence from Debi I wonder if she hasn't relocated back to England.  I seem to remember that she didn't have internet at her Mom's house.  It's all pure speculation but things have been quiet for some time.

 

[Margm]

And, she has a teenage son to protect.  I would think that would be first on her list of things.  I take our freedom in this country for granted too much.  

[kayc]

I've messaged her, we'll see if we hear back...

[Guest]

I've messaged her a few times but no reply.  Last we heard her son was off on a weekend trip and she was concerned about being away from him.

[brat#2]

Patty - I completely understand what you are going through with step children.  My husband has 3 daughters from a previous marriage and for the first 8 years of our marriage it was good, we got them every summer for the summer and it was good.  Then one year things fell apart, things were being said about each other and we never saw or heard from the girls again.  When Dale got sick, I had called and told his brother and he told one of Dale's daughters.  During those 25 years of not seeing or hearing from them, we would try to think of ways to make everything ok and get back together again, he missed his girls very much.  Well the week before Dale died, his daughters called and wanted to come and see him.  I asked him if that would be ok, he said fine, but unfortunately they didn't get here until he was already unresponsive.  I don't know if he knew they were here, but I sure hope he did.  I've got to believe he did, so his heart would be able to rest to know they were here and loved him.  I'm still in contact with them and am trying to get to know them as adults with their families and I do my best to make sure I tell them all about their dad, so they can get to know him too. I sure hope that he is pleased that I've stayed in touch with them, even though we were not able do that when he was alive.

Again, I completely understand your feelings, HUGS to you

Joyce

[kayc]

Joyce,

I can relate, I try to keep in touch with George's grown kids as well.  I know it's possible they can hear & understand things even when unresponsive, I learned that when my sister was in a coma for 4 1/2 months.

[Margm]

I'm sorry Kay, Joyce and Patty.  I think I have it bad and then other people have so many things to contend with and other feelings that make life so complicated.  I look up at what my "run on" fingers have typed and I just want to delete it.  We all suffer terribly, but some of our people have more than their share.  I wish I could just hug you all.