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Lonely And Depressed

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I think KayC could be right. Maybe I am depressed. There are moments when I feel better but most of the time I feel lonely. I AM lonely. I have isolated myself from my friends and so-called "friends". I couldn't be around people who don't understand. Now - nobody calls me anymore. And I mean NOBODY. I don't want to beg for their attention, to ask for their company, I don't even know what we could talk about. But I just can't be alone all the time ... I don't have the energy to meet new people - which is something that I would rather do than going out with old friends, who, mostly, haven't been there for me. Did I expect too much from them? Maybe so. Maybe that is the reason why i just don't care about them anymore. But I am lonely ... Yes, I have been thinking about professional help, but somehow I need the courage to go there and admit to somebody else how low i really am. I did feel better when I had dog classes - they start today after a winter break, so hopefully that will help a little. :(

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I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Yeah, it gets pretty lonely doesn't it? I think the hardest time for me is in the evenings; there is no one to talk to after a hard day.

It's hard to be around people, especially those that knew both of you. They are uncomfortable and don't know what to say. Maybe because they realize that it could even happen to them. And it scares them so. For me, it’s hard to have a conversation and not have it turn to some memory of my Tom; I shared so much with him.

The question for me to meeting new people seems to be where. Where do you go to meet new people? People that you want to have a friendship with.

I know that going to a professional and admitting there is a problem is a real problem in itself. Who wants that? You say that you felt better when you had dog classes. That’s something to look forward to. It will help occupy your mind part of the time. Nothing will ever make you forget… and you don’t want to really forget, do you?

I hope the dog classes help…..

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Guest Guest_Deborah_*

I, too, am lonely and particularly when the evening comes. Larry and I had such a routine of talking, sharing television shows, just being. When I would take my bath at night he would talk my head off. Oh how I wish he was here!

I don't understand the friends thing anymore. One minute I'm so hurt by them, then the next angry. I also don't want to call and beg for them to care. It seems like if they understood what was happening, then they would call or drop by. I know I can call but the couple of times that I have, they have spoken all about their lives, husbands, etc. and NOT even asked me how I was. I just can't put myself thru that. I did contact a young widows group and asked for someone to call or email. Some have sent nice notes and seem to understand because of their own experience but I find myself not bothering to call any of them because it would just take too much energy. I know that sounds self defeating when I say I am lonely. I don't know what I want except for Larry to come walking thru the door. Maybe thats the only thing I would be satisfied with. Thank God for all of you who seem to be on the same planet as me.

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Dear Ones,

It’s understandable that you “couldn’t be around people who don’t understand,” and many mourners feel exactly the same way you do. Few in our culture are comfortable with the subject of death, and few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief. Instead we learn to control our feelings and hide our pain so we won’t disturb other people. Some of us equate mourning openly with self-indulgence or self-pity. We may be too embarrassed or ashamed to let our emotions show in front of others. We may feel isolated, different and apart from everyone else, convinced that no one understands and we must grieve alone. We feel stunned at the normalcy of life around us as others go about their business, totally unaware that our world has stopped and our entire life has been turned upside down. We may be reluctant to turn to others, either because we haven’t learned to accept or ask for help, or because we’re afraid others won’t know what to do with our feelings. If they’re unfamiliar with the intensity and duration of grief or uncomfortable with the expression of strong emotions, they may offer only meaningless platitudes or clichés, change the subject or avoid us altogether.

I hope that as each of you travels your own grief journey, you will resist the isolation and loneliness, and feel more empowered to seek out the support of those who do understand what you’re going through. As author, educator and grief counselor Alan Wolfelt says,

A catalyst for healing . . . can only be created when you develop the courage to mourn publicly, in the presence of understanding, compassionate people who will not judge you. At times, of course, you will grieve alone, but expressing your grief outside of yourself [i.e., “mourning”] is necessary if you are to slowly and gently move forward . . . You need companionship from time to time as you journey. You need people who will walk beside you and provide you with ‘divine momentum’– affirmations that what you are doing is right and necessary for you and will lead to your eventual healing. You do not need people who want to walk in front of you and lead you down the path they think is right, nor do you need people who want to walk behind you and not be present to you in your pain . . . Sharing your pain with others won’t make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again.

Reaching out to others is often very difficult when you’re struggling with grief, but the more support and understanding you have around you, the better you will cope. You may wish that others would just be there for you without your having to ask, but that’s not likely to happen. It’s not that they are uncaring; there simply is no way for them to fully understand the significance of your loss and the depth of your pain. That’s why it’s so important that you inform your family, friends and associates about what’s going on with you, and let them know what they can do for you that will help. People aren’t going to know what you need from them unless you first figure out what you need and from whom, and let them know directly and specifically.

I encourage you to really think about who is supportive to you in your environment and what gives your life purpose and direction. Ask yourself: With whom are you most comfortable, and who is the most comfortable (accepting and caring) with your grief? Look for those who will listen without judging you, or for those who have suffered a similar loss. (That’s why support groups such as this one are so helpful – you don’t have to explain to anyone here, or in an "in person" grief support group either, why you are feeling and reacting as you are!)

Be honest with others about what you are feeling. Allow yourself to express your sadness rather than masking it. Don’t expect others to guess what you need! When you want to be touched, held, hugged, listened to or pampered, you need to say so. If all you want from others is help with simple errands, tasks, and repairs, say so. Let others (especially children) know if and when you need to be alone, so they won’t feel rejected.

I also suggest that you take some time to sit down and identify all the people, groups and activities in your life that form your personal network of support and help give meaning to your life. Consider asking a friend or family member to help you develop a more complete listing, especially if you don’t have the energy to do this by yourself. Write down each potential source of support, including their name, telephone number and address, so you’ll have them handy when you need them.

People you can depend on might include family members, relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, colleagues, clergy, your family physician, family lawyer, accountant, insurance agent, and hospice bereavement staff.

Groups might include your church community or your affiliation with work or special interest circles, clubs and organizations, and grief support groups.

Activities could include:

•Listing all the interests, activities, hobbies, courses or skills you’ve enjoyed in the past or always wanted to pursue, and following up on at least one of them each week or each month. (Spela's dog classes are a perfect example.)

•Visiting your public library or local bookstore and asking for information, literature, films, audiocassettes, CDs, DVDs and videotapes on grief, bereavement and loss.

•Finding local chapters of national self-help and support organizations related to your specific type of loss.

•Watching and listening for announcements of lectures, workshops and seminars on grief in the community. (Check local radio and television stations, newspapers and bulletin boards in your grocery store, library, church or school.)

As for seeking professional help, I want to refer you to my post that appeared on January 25, 2006 in the Loss of a Parent or Grandparent forum, as I think it may have relevance for you, too. Just click on this link:


Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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I didn't mean to sound as if you ARE depressed...I'm not qualified to say, it would take a doctor or counselor to assess that, only that it's a possibility you might want looked in to. How did it go with the dog class? Did it feel good being out with people that enjoy the same thing as you? I hope so, I think this is part of the healing, that we find something we enjoy in life "after", however small it might be. We don't compare it to our "before" life, nothing compares to that, but we try to find something positive wherever we can. I have really noticed that all of the people George and I were close to before are gone now or have pulled away completely. That surprised me. I guess it's common though. Maybe they think death is contagious? Or maybe they were his friends, or maybe they just wanted us as a couple? Who knows...

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Thank you all,

yes Marty, I know that a huge part of the problem is that I CAN'T ask for help. I feel bad when I do. Maybe because I don't want them to see how I really feel - or maybe because I feel I would owe them something? It's harder to express my feelings that hide them behind a mask, is it because I'm afraid that by expressing my sadness others would know how vulnerable I am and I could be hurt even more??

Maybe dog classes help a little. At least I'm doing something I enjoy and feel good about it - so what if it only lasts for one hour, that's a start, I guess??

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You bet it's a start, Spela, and we'll take it! We're all very, very proud of you!

Think of it this way:

The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.

— Mignon McLaughlin

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Spela,

It's been a long time. Monday will be one year since I lost Larry. I want to thank you and everyone else in this forum that I have talked to over the past year. I know I don't post as much but I guess my way of coping with the loss of Larry and the loss of my father have been to stay extra busy. I just wanted to let you know that when I first lost Larry I didn't get any professional help. I thought I was strong enough to handle it on my own. But I soon realized that my friends couldn't help and no one around me understood what I was going through. I started going to a counselor and it helped. I admit to not wanting to go and there is a stigma about it, but once I was in counseling and able to open up and talk about things I realized there were a ton a people around me that were also getting help in some way.Don't be afraid of getting professional help.It does help to just say everything out loud. I've been reading and see you have a dog. I think that is wonderful. I got a second dog right before my father passed away. Since losing Larry my dogs have been my "bed buddies". They are great cuddlers eventhough they take up the whole bed but a dog is such a great comfort. I wish you the best Spela and look forward to talking to you soon. I'll try and check in more often.

Stay Strong, hold your head up,cherish the memories- It will become easier,

Talk to you soon,


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