How do I help my son

[rdownes]

I am sorry to post so much in such a short time I have been reading through posts today and they all touch my heart, we are a group of people who shared an amazing love and must now go on alone,I hope one day to be able to have words to help someone in their dark,lonely times  my son who is only 17 asked me mom I don't know what to do now, I said take a day at a time that was all I could say I used to always have positive answers but now I am lost to, I do not feel I will ever be truly happy again. I can barely deal with my days I am over run with guilt and loneliness, he needs me to give him direction and it's hard because right now I feel my life has ended. Today was not really a sad crying day it was a lonely empty day, I noticed the crying is not all day everyday anymore but the  loneliness, guilt and emptiness are everyday, I do not know what to say to him to help him thank you for listening 

[mittam99]

One thing to at least consider is seeing a grief counselor. I don't know if you've considered the idea yet. Your son might be helped as well.

There is no easy answer you can give your son. There are no easy answers in grief, no "user guide" or "grief handbook". We all are learning on the fly, so to speak. Your telling him to take it one day at a time is fine advice and really, all you can do. You both need to get your rest, eat well and drink plenty of water. Grief takes a lot out a person physically and emotionally. 

Don't feel bad for not knowing what to say to your son. Clearly, you love him and that's as important as almost anything you can say. Sometimes all you need in the moment is a hug.

I know you're only four weeks into your grief. You may be interested in a topic I started when I was a bit less than four weeks in. It sort of chronicles the first few months of my grief journey and I know others that are new to grief have found some solace in it.

Dealing with those Moments

Mitch

 

[MartyT]

My dear, the best thing you can do for your son is to take care of your own grief first. That means learning all you can about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief, being with others who are experiencing losses similar to your own (as you are doing by being here) and finding and taking advantage of all available means of support. You can do some reading if and when you feel up to it ~ but as Mitch says, there are no easy answers and no user guide to tell you how to navigate your way through this challenging time. If there were, we'd be the first to give it to you. Nevertheless, we are here to walk with you, give you a safe place to land, and to offer information, comfort and support. The time will come when you'll feel ready to offer support to others, but for now, I hope you will allow yourself to be on the receiving end of that support.  ♥

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Rdowns,

Posting here is a great start to helping your son.  There are people who can help you find the resources that are beneficial to your situation.  The support without judgement is absolutely awesome.

I am just six months into my journey of grief and my 29 year old son lives with me.  He is grieving differently to me and as a mom I really hate to see him hurting.  Although he is a man not a boy, he suffers from depression and anxiety and I believe he has Autism Spectrum Disorder, I worry about doing right by him. 

As has been mentioned here, the best things we can do is look after ourselves health wise and teach our sons to do that too.  My son does not wish to see a therapist - I wish he would.

I'm sending you my sincere condolences and will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.

Marita

[rdownes]

Thank you for the prayers and thoughts. I have thought about a counselor but I think I know what they will say I need to except the loss which is hard to explain I saw him in the casket and his ashes are on my mantel he wanted to be with us forever, yet I still get the disappointed feelings of him not being there when I get up or come home from work, I have no idea what a counselor would say about my talking to him in my head and my guilt is forever I had unconditional love and I didn't appreciate him for years until it was to late,  I read your post Mitch and could totally relate who  wants to live in this pain, but I would never harm myself I could never do that to my children  I am very grateful for this site yet hate what has brought me here I will do my best to comfort my son and be there but definitely let him know he is loved. 

[MartyT]

I hope you will reconsider the possibility of seeking the support of a qualified grief counselor, my dear. I assure you that you will never be told that you "need to accept the loss" of your beloved.

To give you an idea of what you might expect in working with a grief counselor, this is taken from my article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You:

Finding Professional Help

If you’re more comfortable in the care-giving role or feel uneasy with sympathy—or if you see the need for counseling as a sign of weakness or of mental illness— you may be reluctant to seek the help of a professional counselor. Yet it takes strength and courage to let yourself be cared for, and you need not bear your sorrow all alone.

Even if you’re mourning in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need. 

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)

Seeing a bereavement counselor is appropriate if

you feel uncomfortable with yourself or find yourself unable to function normally.

you have reactions from which you can get no relief, or over which you feel no control.

you wonder if your responses are normal, or if they’ve gone on too long.

you have thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about or you’re reluctant to share with anyone else.

[rdownes]

Maybe I will seek counseling at one point right now I just can't see the benefit, nothing makes me happy my soulmate is gone,I can never undo how I treated such a grate man who deserved so much more  I can not picture feeling so lonely for the rest of my life, thank you for the information.

[mittam99]

rdownes...

It's certainly your perogative to not try counseling. And I can respect that. The only thing is, you are clearly consumed with a sense of guilt. And guilt is one of those things that will tend to eat at you and won't let go. I know this first hand.

When I first joined here a few weeks after my beloved wife Tammy died unexpectedly, I was filled with pain, with tears and with guilt. Why couldn't I save Tammy? Why did I ever get in an argument with her? Why wasn't I a more perfect husband? The guilty thoughts went on and on...

I did go to grief counseling and it helped to an extent, but I found my best insight here at the forum. Everyone here is going through the same type of grief. Everyone is dealing with or has dealt with those feelings of regret and the "what-if's". And those gut wrenching "woulda coulda shoulda's".

The members here have helped me so much with their kindness and mostly, their understanding. 

Continue to post your feelings here. Talk about your beloved husband as much as you want. I know it won't be easy (nothing in grief is) but it will definitely help.

And please, try to be gentle to yourself.

[rdownes]

This guilt will always be here, I was horrible the last few years, obviously it was not always like that he did not work due to the bipolar, about four years ago he started developing swollen lumps under his body the kept growing and multiplying he was more tired losing his appetite,he never went to the doctor I just kept nagging about a job money about laying around he would try so hard and I never appreciated it so it is not just normal arguments and I can't fix it now he had an unconditional love that I don't feel I deserve so my guilt will always be here how do you forgive that. I hope he sees my tears and hears my pain it is the only way to show my sorrow now .

[kayc]

You know what?  I think they CAN hear our heart's cry!  And I think he does know you love him.  You couldn't have known he had reason for being tired and laying around.  He couldn't have known himself since he didn't go to the doctor, so how could YOU be expected to know?  A lot of people avoid doctors because they're afraid of hearing what's wrong, then they'd have to face it, so they bury their head in the sand.  You're left dealing with the aftermath and that's hard.  We don't wish on anyone what we go through.

I hope you'll reconsider going to a grief counselor, because it'd help you understand and deal with all of these feelings.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I can understand the feelings of guilt.  I feel them too, but they are lessening as I learn more about my husband's emotional state and about grief.  I know that the grief will torture you and will eventually cause your son great concern. 

If you can take a step toward seeing a grief therapist you might find yourself feeling less guilt.

Take care.