Not to sure where to start ...

[Forever His x]

Hello , unfortunately i am new to this forum and i cant believe i am posting on a forum like this one . 

i am 24 years old and have a beautiful baby boy whos 15 months old , we have had our lives cruelly taken from us , we had everything we could of ever wanted untill that day . 
ive lost so much in one man my soul mate my best friend my father to our baby my everything . he was beautiful and kind and all mine . 
i cant get any of this straight in my head , people my age are normally out doing what ever they need to do to find themselves but not us we had everything and we had the perfect little family. 
i will never ever ever be moving on , the way he cared and loved me i didnt think he was human it was magical and nor will anyone else be bringing up his son . but i need to try and find the fight to move forward with life for my personal life there is no point now i only carry on for our son but i do find it very difficult . 

im after some advice for people who understand i know for me this is all very "raw" but i also dont believe that time will ease the hurt or learn to deal with it differently not with what we had , and we had so much planned together . 
i find it hard being in the house where we was meant to do everything together be in the same area i went to the shops with him went down this road that road countless amount of times . i know some people say the memories will be a comfort but im finding them a kick in the teeth that i havent got him and i cant make any memories .

what im getting at is have you stayed in the house or did you decide to move im not making any fast decisions but dont see how im meant to move forward with my son here. 
i cant admit whats happened and still think im going to see him its just all one big mess and i just want my rock back ! 

My beautiful man . 

[Guest]

My dear Forever His x,

I am so sorry for your loss.  At such a young age it is so much to go through.  You don't mention when he died but I am assuming it was rather recently.  Regarding your question of moving I've heard it repeated frequently that it is generally advisable not to make any major decisions for at least the first year.  That being said it is also important to recognize that everyone grieves differently and what is right and works for me does not always work for others.  I personally stayed in the house Deedo and I lived in for 28 years of our 37 years together.  But keep in mind that this is where we raised our family and our best memories were.  Once Deedo got sick enough we had to move to a lower elevation and I moved out of the apartment we were living in for the last four months of Deedo's life as quick as I could because it was a place of horrible memories.

Right now you need to find a way to take care of yourself.  What you are going through taxes all of your systems.  For me it has been nearly a year and while I am in a better place than I was nine months ago, I still have so far to go.  You have a son and he will demand much from you, especially at 15 months.  That is such a wonderful age and yet I'm would expect some of that to be tainted by the death of your "beautiful man".

One of the first, and best, things I did was to find a counselor.  She turned out to be a Godsend directing me to various therapies including this group.  If you have such services in your area of the U.K. it could prove very helpful.  

You have come to a wonderful and caring place.  Most people here really get it.  Many of us have found that most people who have not had someone they care so deeply for die cannot possibly understand what it is like.  So often they want to fix us and then they lose patience with us as we do not respond to their ill conceived timeline.  Please come here any time and share your questions and your thoughts.  You will find a community of love ready to embrace you and help you as you struggle through your grief.

Kindest and most sincere cyber hugs.

 

Brad

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your losing him, and for your baby's loss of his father, that is really hard.  I stayed in our home, we loved it here together.  Our grief journey doesn't stay the same, it's ever evolving.  At first it was hard being here, but I find consolation being here now, so how you feel right now may not stay the same, only time will tell.  

Brad gave you some good advice. It helps to have a grief counselor, take care of yourself eat healthy, drink water, get exercise, and try to just take one day at a time.,  It also helps to express yourself with people who understand, this is a safe place to do that.

Welcome to this site, I'm very sorry for the reason.

[rdownes]

I want to let you know I feel and understand what you are going through lost my husband almost two months ago we were together 26 years and I feel blessed to of had them I could not imagine having to cope at such a young age or with a baby. I truly feel for you and wish you didn't have to be here my grief is still considered raw, and I wish I had some magical words t take it all away but I don't. I feel like you I will never have another soulmate Kevin was my life, I still can't believe he is gone, I cry everyday and I feel like my heart has been ripped out, this is not easy it hurts, butin going through the pain we might somehow find a sense of peace not that we will ever feel better or ever be our old selves but we have people who need us in this would, I have found so much comfort on this site, I try to take in what people tell me, I find a sense of hope on this site, it really does help to post your thoughts not that anyone can make your pain go away we all have our own grief journey but these people truly care about you I call them my family now I can't move I feel the need to stay because a new house would have no memories of Kevin just remember one day, one step,one breath at a time that is how I must live now to deal with the pain.

[CharKath]

Forever His x,

I'm so sorry for your loss and your baby's loss. I agree with everything Brad has said. You do need to take care of yourself.   Your baby needs you. And when he's older he will need you to tell him what a wonderful man and father he had. I'm still living in my home, although its more of a shelter now. With Charley gone it just isn't home anymore. Its scarey and down right intimidating at times. But I don't really want to leave. I'm hoping this will get better. At eleven and a half months, this is still very hard. And I'm afraid it will be for awhile. When you loose the person that makes your world go round, nothing makes sense and its so unfair. Don't make any hasty decisions about the house. Worry more about you and your baby for right now. The house can come later.

[Widowedbysuicide]

You have my most sincere condolences.  I'm sending cyber hugs too.

Marita

[Forever His x]

Thankyou to everyone who replied , 

i was quiet shocked at the responses actually and how it made me feel reading those responses and how caring you all are , it felt nice for others to understand the pain . 

I decided to get away for the weekend and go up the country to visit family , but that didnt come without any pain or thoughts with in its self , i felt so bad and guilty and when i was standing in the field holding our soon i looked round at my family and i went into panic mode i was searching for him amongst them then thought oh hell be next to me where he should be it was a horrible moment and i broke . i didnt like the fact that the family were enjoying our baby when he couldnt he has just started walking and they all saw that and his cheeky ways and cute smiles and i just wanted to scream at them all dont look !! your not allowed to see all of this . Granted i didnt for our sons sake as what sort of mum would i be to stop him interacting and enjoying others , but i did find it hard to see . But it did help me to understand that actually i was very wrong and i need my house i hated being away from it when all i thought was that i needed to be , i felt so distant from him and i couldnt wait to return , i hated returning and him not being here but i felt like this was the first decision i had made alone and was the biggest and hardest , but i want him to know where his son is and to know where and what his growing up and for our son to be where his daddy was . for me its heartbreaking because i just want him . 
tomorrow i have my first session of therapy and all i keep thinking is im going to walk in the door and his going to be sitting there smiling at me and just hold me and say there was a mix up it wasnt me they got it all wrong , because that is the only thing that will make the pain go away and to make it all better again . 
im very lucky as im close with my mum dad and brother , and me and my partner and son chose to live with them in seperate parts of the house so we are very close and i still have them but it doesnt compare to having him my partner my life the farther to our baby boy . 
Its now been 2 months , how have i got this far i dont physically understand how my body moves anymore or how im still here , i know because our son , but wow its all so difficult now i even feel guilty for smiling at our son . 

How are we meant to call this "life" now . 
Can someone not just bring him back to us now please , i really miss and love him with everything i possible can , id do anything for him and anything to have him back . 

[kayc]

All of these feelings are normal and there is nothing inherently wrong with them.  They don't even have to make sense, they just are.  In speaking to others who have grieved, they DO make sense.  I'm glad you'll be starting therapy, I hope it's a qualified grief counselors as are are not equal and the same.  Let us know how it goes.  

14 minutes ago, Forever His x said:

Can someone not just bring him back to us now please

I remember thinking that exact same thing!

[WolfsKat]

4 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Can someone not just bring him back to us now please

Oh, how I've often, too often felt just that......begged God to just "rewind the tape".......I'd do better!  And the recurring hope that this was just some sort of horrible "test"...and, if I did well, he would be allowed to come back.....I think you know what I mean.  I so wish that you....none of us here, actually.......have the need to avail ourselves of this forum, but.....here we are.  All of us torn apart.....our souls rended.....bewildered, angry, in agony at losing the one person who we loved totally in this life....who we cannot imagine living this life without....yet....we must. We have to find something to anchor us to this life.....you have your beautiful child, who is a physical embodiment of the love that you and your beloved had together....there is a old saying "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life".......this has been true for me, and I hope it will be for you.  Wishing you some measures of comfort, and hopes for a brighter future than you believe there is for you right now. Peace.

[Cookie]

I feel for you forever his x.  As much as this hurts, you really don't want anyone else to have to experience it.  You are so young....sounds like you have a beautiful son.  This is hard, but just like people still tell me, you will make it with your son.  Thoughts are with you, Cookie

[KATPILOT]

There any paths to follow Forever His.  In time you will see yours and know to take it.  Moving on has different meanings to different  people. You ask if we moved out of our house or stayed. Many such as myself chose to stay. I know some have chosen to leave or were forced to by many reasons but the key is to never push to act if you have time to think it out clearly. Regrets for wrong decisions can last a long time. Your soul mate may be gone yet your love has not. That means you move forward and at the same time you remain where you are, still in love and yet still living. None of us who have been on this road for years can say that at the beginning they knew what to do about moving forward. Given time, we found our way and even though we had constant reminders of the loss through triggers we came across, they happen even outside you home. You can move forward regardless of where you live. It just takes time. It will come to pass.   

 

 

It's nice to see your words Brad.

[Forever His x]

Thankyou everyone  , 

its nice to know i can come on here and get everything out not be judged and talk to people understand  .