The Popcorn Seed

[Dusky]

Hello to All,

Today I sent a story about “ The Popcorn Seed” – and verses – to all my e-mail friends. I wanted to share this same story with each of you. What follows is the story of “The Popcorn Seed” – the meaning small things can have in our lives – and a reflection on the meaning of “this lonely seed”. I hope you find it worthwhile. Here it is:

"The Popcorn Seed"

I keep a very clean house – but like anyone who does - you still engage in some “deep cleaning” from time to time to reach those areas that are sometimes overlooked in your everyday upkeep. I performed one of these more “in-depth” cleanings during the course of this last week. There tucked in the mopboard in the living room was a popcorn seed. Just a particle of food – you think? Not to me - and not to the memory that popcorn has for me. I gentle picked this seed up and placed it with another in my bedroom dresser to share a place with the only other popcorn seed I had found since his death.

So what should the significance of this popcorn seed have – you ask? For me it brings back memories – some reflective of great pain – and some of great joy. Popcorn was his favorite snack/food. In that small kernel lie elements of his life – stories of joy beyond belief – but also congers up memories of the last days of life as well. A small speck – a crumb of food – to me a piece of who he was. How could so much sorrow and pain – joy and laughter be found in such a seed? I’m about to tell you.

Popcorn was a Saturday experience at the movies – an almost every week event. And if it was not a trip to the local movie house it was the same food shared at home watching a rented video with my two favorite people – Jack and Dusky. Either way the “show time” always involved the food that only leaves popcorn seeds as a reminder of a day well spent. This went on year after year after year – bowl after bowl after bowl of popcorn. Was this seed I found from some show watched long ago - or was it from a seed expelled from his mouth during the course of a long terminal illness? A habit suddenly cultivated when blind - resulted in projectile popcorn seeds flying across the living room from the lips of that normally and extremely neat man that I loved. Either way – it did not matter – that seed I had found - was destined to be preserved as part of something that he had tossed - and now carried with it - a memory of who he was.

Popcorn was also the ever-present treat during those months of illness – even after his sight had been lost - he still had use of his right side to feed himself his favorite treat. And when he could not feed himself – I fed it to him. So the popcorn was set to his left side and he would reach with the right hand and shovel this treat into his mouth – providing one of his life’s greatest joys – popcorn. As time would pass the left side became less and less available – and the popcorn and bowl would sometimes find its way to the ground. Was this where that seed had come from? Perhaps – but still - it made no difference – it was still a memory of who he was – so that little seed was kept as precious.

And so – a few days later – after all the cleanings done – another kernel did appear – from where I do not know? I walked into my bedroom where every inch had been witness to this “cleaning fool” - and out of nowhere – in the center of the room - laid one “Lonely Popcorn Seed” - staring back at me. This one too was picked up - and place with the two before – and now there’s three to share that space reserved in my bedroom drawer.

And so – out of that “Lonely Popcorn Seed” has come the following - which I would like to share with you. The two verses below were created with “The Lonely Popcorn Seed” as an inspiration.

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“Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn”

Some would call it “coincidence” – some would say “so what”

And others would say it’s “just a seed” – “don’t make of it - what it’s not”

To me it’s so much more than just a seed – there on the floor

To me a message was received – an opening of a door

I do not know - from where it came – I do not question how

Because it suddenly appeared – it’s saved as precious now

Just months ago he died - where that same popcorn seed now rests

I’ve placed that seed of memories - where the other two now nest

It’s just a lonely popcorn seed – lying on the floor

For me a message was received – an opening of a door

That little seed – from who knows where – is urging me – “go on”

Live your life – “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn”

The same room that had seen him die – “produced” this tiny seed

Symbolic of the life we had – or nothing more than feed?

He died where that same seed was found – the room it shared the same

The skeptic’s heart would brush it off - as wishful thinking – lame

For me the message is quite clear – a seed to tell me – “grow”

The memories that it holds unique – a past of “picture shows”

The little seed – from who knows where – is urging me – “go on”

Live your life – “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn”

And so you see that little seed – spit far - from some strange place

Has found a way to “sow a thought” - of healing – and of grace

To me it’s so much more than just a seed – there on the floor

To me a message was received – an opening of a door

It’s just a lonely popcorn seed – lying on the floor

For me a message was received – an opening of a door

That little seed – from who knows where – is urging me – “go on”

Live your life – “Remember Me – Begin Your Brand New Dawn”

Copyright - John R. Davis 3/5/06

______________________________________________________________________________

“Its Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed”

Each time I think I have moved on to forge a life brand new

Some speck of what we had appears – and I remember you

It may be something simple and appear to no one else

Of any great importance – but to me it holds such wealth

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast

But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

I know you’re not all tucked away inside that yellow crumb

But in that tiny hardened shell lays memories – joy – and fun

And even when the road was dark and illness came to stay

Those bowls of fresh popped kernels - sat right there on your tray

Sometimes I think there’s nothing left to remind me of the fun

When something small like popcorn shells lets in the memories sun

Today I was reminded twice of you and what we shared

By simple specs of fallen food – by seeds spit in mid air

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast

But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

Popcorn was a special thing for both of us to share

At Movies on a Saturday – or home resting in chairs

Remember how you liked the butter - and extra salt - for spice

It had to be a large bag and a soda – full of ice

I know you’re not all tucked away inside that yellow crumb

But in that tiny hardened shell lays memories – joy – and fun

Today I was reminded twice of you and what we shared

By simple specs of fallen food – by seeds spit in mid air

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast

But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

Each time I think I have moved on to forge a life brand new

Some speck of what we had appears – and I remember you

It may be something simple and appear to no one else

Of any great importance – but to me it holds such wealth

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – left over’s from a feast

But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

Copyright - John R. Davis 3/4/06

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Considering what has transpired in my life during the last 18 months I believe I am doing remarkable well. It has been more than a lesson on death – and grief – it has also encompassed lessons on change, humility, guilt, anger, forgiveness, understanding, patience, spirituality, letting go, family and friendship – lost and found. Of course - I wish none of this had happened – I wish I were not sharing any of this with you. I search daily for some meaning in Jack’s death – and as impossible as I once though that would be – I now believe it can happen. For me it will eventually occur because I am actively working through this process – and intend to not only get through it – but to transcend it. It is a lonely road – and ultimately has to be done alone. I will always be the person to bear the greatest witness to Jack’s life – and to remember him in the most memorable means possible. I also intend to proceed with my life - with Jack neatly tucked away in my heart – and find a way to fully live again. This process is slowly unfolding – very slowly – but it is unfolding. The story of “The Lonely Popcorn Seed” (above) - and the verses you just read - is reflective of - where I am going –and how far I have come.

Love and Peace to you all,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[Bebekat]

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story! I'm glad your reflections are of the happy times you and Jack had. It's amazing that one little popcorn seed can mean so much. You seem to be doing so well, I only hope to be at that point at 18 months of my grief journey. Your story and poetry brought a smile to my face. I could just picture it so well. You will transcend this, you are well on your way.

[Guest Guest_Vivian_*]

Dusky: I cried reading the beautiful words you wrote and the poem as well. I too hope that I can be where you are in 18 months. Yesterday while walking my dog down a trail we take just about every day, I spotted an empty pack of Merit cigarettes...my husband Rick's brand. It was as though he had dropped it for me to see and it brought a smile to my face. vivian

[Dusky]

Bebekat and Vivian,

Thank you both for your thoughtful reply to my story. Actually I'm only at 7 months since Jacks death - but 19 months from when he was diagnosed. It seems like that 10 month illness was also a greiving period - a "trial run" - the "warm up laps" before the race. Perhaps losing Jack by inches has helped this process along - if so - once again another gift he gave to me - what a sweet and loving man he was.

And Vivian - I think that pack of cigaretts - was indeed a sign from Rick. I remain more and more convienced every day that the spirt of our loved ones resides deep in our hearts. It is our job to find a way to access our hearts and find them. Rick is with you just as sure as Jack is with me and Bebekat's husband is with her. The cigaretts were a sign - so was the popcorn seed.

Love and Peace to you both,

John - Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[Guest Guest]

John/Dusky - You write the best stuff to read!!! You should have been a writer or a poet. You think deeply. I had tears in my eyes as I read about the popcorn seed! That was so beautiful and I'd be saving those seeds, too! I firmly believe that our loved ones are deep in our souls and our hearts. I'm going on 16 months without my best friend - May will be a year and a half and I can't hardly believe it. Time goes by so fast...it blows my mind! I look at his picture and it seems like just yesterday he was here and then to

realize that it's going on a year and a half since I've been alone...Amazing!

Anyway, I hope you keep finding those seeds! Keep writing your great insights!

My thoughts are with all of you!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004)

I love you Dear!!!!

[spela]

John, thank you! I cried when I read your words and I cried more when I read your beautiful poems.

"Sometimes I think there’s nothing left to remind me of the fun

When something small like popcorn shells lets in the memories sun" -

lately I've been feeling like that a lot, thinking there's nothing left to remind me of the fun. Not even remembering "my popcorn seeds" - signs, maybe different from yours but that do carry the same message - bring me the comfort. But reading your words made some of those feelings come back - feelings of peace and love ... which is a lot in these days when I mostly "feel" emptiness.

[pattandellla]

I hope somedayI can remember any good times your poem made me cry again it's what I do alot lately-It has been only 1 month but all I re-live are those last 12 days I came because I know I need help & now Iam on my own very alone ;but I read this poem & it gave me hope t/y patt

[kayc]

Dusky,

You really should consider writing a book...perhaps sharing just what you do on this site...the feelings and experiences of a love shared and your journey through grief. You are a very apt and expressive writer. My husband was also a beautiful writer, in fact, that's how he got me. I wrote a letter to the editor and he responded to me...uncannily, we felt each other's hearts, we felt as if we knew and understood each other...we began writing...and so our journey began. Writing is a way of sharing one's soul...and touching the soul of another. As beautiful as your writing is and as much as we glean from your wisdom and heart, just as beautiful it is to witness the love that the two of you shared...I feel I am entering something precious and special every time you write about your Jack. You are blessed with a gift that is resplendent of your love.

[Guest Guest]

Patt - I am so sorry that you had to "meet" us here! Your loss is so fresh... We are all here for you. I know that is not a big consolation, but we "understand" where you're at. At one month I was still in such a daze and I'm sure you are too. Tomorrow will be 16 months for me - I can't believe it's been almost a year and a half since I lost the love of my life. I have adjusted to being alone, but I'm still so lonely for him. It's a very sad road we are on, but know that we are ALL on it together. We hope you will come here often and write anything you feel...or just come here and read.

Our thoughts and best wishes are with you!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004)

I love you, Dear!!!!!